by Marie Yates
Wow, she is not happy at all. ‘It’s only one piece of coursework, chill out. I’ll rewrite it and it’ll be fine.’
‘Did you actually just tell me to chill out?’
That’s it. I know I’ve crossed the line. Reggie gets up and leaves the room, he knows I have crossed the line too and he doesn’t want to stick around for the lecture. I don’t want to stick around either, but have no choice.
She goes on and on and on. Running back upstairs is a relief, but as annoying as she is, I know she has a point. I didn’t want to fail that essay. I was embarrassed by what I handed in and even more embarrassed that I didn’t even manage to blag a low-grade pass. I didn’t need Mum to give me the extended version of her ‘get your life in order’ lecture, but sat through it, nodding in the right places and promising to do better.
I have learnt the hard way that it’s easier to do that than try to argue because then the lecture just goes on for even longer.
I finally answer Frankie’s text. ‘I’d love to, but I think I’m being sent away next week x.’ At least that is one less thing to worry about.
‘Ur mum saw ur grade? x,’ she asks, knowing that I’ve been dreading her finding out.
‘Been having the usual lecture for the last hour x,’ I reply, hoping that Frankie won’t be annoyed with me too. I can’t take anyone else being annoyed with me right now as I still have to get everything done.
Reggie has followed me upstairs, sensing that I need some company but has realised that now probably isn’t the best time to ask me to play. He curls up under my desk, his head resting on my foot. The sound of him breathing as he sleeps is calming as I try to figure out where to start.
Mum comes up. She’s brought me a drink. ‘Write a list of all the things you have to do and then go in order of your deadlines,’ she says. ‘Please don’t let yourself down. You know you can do this.’
This makes me want to cry. She believes in me and if I can just get my head around the fact that it’ll be worth the effort, I know I can do it too.
Thirty-One
Being sent away to boot camp is working out well for me so far. Since I got here yesterday, I’ve watched films, been out for dinner and Jane’s even cooked a fry-up for us.
I can get used to this, I think after we finish eating.
‘Don’t get used to this,’ the mind reader replies. I don’t know how she does it but it is really annoying. ‘We’re going to go and get some fresh air, walk off our breakfast and then come up with a plan to make the most of your holiday.’
‘Holiday?’ I reply. Is that really what Jane thinks this is? I think it’s a blend of Mum wanting a break and me getting a rubbish grade, which has resulted in me being sent away from the distractions of Frankie and my friends. Mainly Frankie. Actually, it’s only Frankie as my friends have been working hard and getting good grades, not that I’ve shared that with Mum.
‘Would you be getting a lie-in and a fry-up at home? No, I thought not. This is a holiday and you’re going to enjoy it,’ Jane tells me.
‘Sure, a homework holiday is what everyone dreams of,’ I reply. ‘There’s nothing like some enforced fun, and I’m ready for a nap after that breakfast.’
‘It’s not just homework, Dani. We’re going to be talking about the Uni application too. You can’t keep avoiding it and I know you must have been thinking about what you’d like to do next.’
‘I really haven’t,’ I say, honestly. ‘I mean, I know I should be thinking about and I know I’m running out of time, but there’s too much to think about it, and I don’t even know for sure what I want to do, whether I even want to go to Uni or whether I need to do something different.’
‘You’ll have a better idea about Sports Psychology by the end of the week, so that’ll be a good start.’
Jane has arranged for me to spend a couple of days with her friend so I can find out what a Sports Psychologist actually does. I’m looking forward to it, but if I don’t like it, I’m totally back to square one as I have no idea what else I want to do. As soon as I start thinking about it, my heart races, my head feels full and I can’t make sense of it. There’s something blocking me from thinking about it.
‘Come on, let’s work off some of that stodge,’ Jane says. She throws me my jacket and reaches for her keys.
‘It’s weird going for a walk without Reggie,’ I say, not completely sure I mean to say it out loud.
‘Humans can go for walks too. It’s not all about Reggie.’
Jane has never been Reggie’s biggest fan, but I think a walk is one hundred times more fun with him than just with another human. He doesn’t make me think about the future. He doesn’t make me talk about what I want to do with my life. Weirdly, he’s probably also the only living creature I have actually talked to about it all. I sat with him in the park a couple of weeks ago, and as he came bounding towards me, carrying his soggy tennis ball and looking at me as if I was the most important person in the world, I said, ‘I can’t go away to Uni. I can’t leave you.’ It wasn’t like he understood, but my eyes filled up, preparing to leak tears. He dropped his ball and put his paw on my knee. If I was being sentimental, I would have said he was in tune with how I was feeling and wanted to comfort me. In reality, I think he just wanted me to throw the ball again.
Either way, he is my lifeline and I can’t leave him. I just don’t think I can admit that to Jane without her thinking I’m insane.
‘It’s always all about Reggie,’ I joke, testing her response, but she rolls her eyes. Nope, I don’t think she understands at all.
‘What’s scaring you about making a decision?’ Jane asks as we walk towards the town. She never warms up into the big questions; she just hits me with them.
‘Jeez, and you wonder why I think it’s better to walk with Reggie?’ My attempt to avoid the question is met with silence. Jane waits for me to reply and I have no idea where to start. ‘I don’t know if I want to move away but I also don’t know if I want to stay at home. I’m sure Mum would like to have the place to herself so she can move Sammy in. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, so trying to figure all of this out is doing my head in.’ I’m getting annoyed. If I knew what to do, I’d obviously be doing it.
‘How much of this uncertainty is linked to Frankie?’ she asks. I knew she would bring this up at some point and I am ready to be completely honest.
‘Not as much as you and Mum think.’ I know that they have been talking about it. ‘I’m happy and I really love Frankie. But I need to figure out what I want to do and hope it all works out.’
‘That’s very sensible.’ Jane sounds surprised. ‘So, what’s the big deal about going to Uni, the one with the best Sports Psychology course has a great campus, loads going on and you can come home at weekends if you want to.’
‘You really don’t get it,’ I whisper, close to tears. ‘I don’t feel safe when I’m not at home.’
‘What do you mean? You feel safe at my house, don’t you?’ Jane seems genuinely surprised at what I’ve just said. Jane, of all people.
‘Not when you’re not there. No I don’t,’ I admit. Jane only went out to the shops yesterday and I had a minor panic when I thought I heard a knock at the door. It was a delivery driver knocking on next door’s window, and still my heart was pounding. I knew it didn’t make any sense and that it was irrational to be frightened, but my brain had responded before my logic could kick in.
‘You’re quite often at home by yourself when your mum’s at work or at Sammy’s …’ Jane figures out the reason why I feel safe halfway through the sentence. ‘You’re not on your own, are you?’ Finally, she starts to understand. ‘That bloody dog is with you.’
‘That bloody dog makes me feel safe,’ I say, my eyes filling up.
‘Okay, so we need to think about this because you can’t spend your days with Reggie as your only sidekick, and I want you to feel safe. I want you to be able to make choices based on what you want and I really want you to feel
safe in my home. I’d no idea.’ Admitting this must be painful for Jane as she usually knows me better than I know myself. ‘I’m sorry, we’ll figure this out.’
‘You don’t have to fix anything,’ I say. ‘Just understand that Reggie is a huge part of my life and a huge part of why I’m doing okay. I know that I need to base my choices on more than him, but if I don’t feel safe, I can’t function. With him, I feel completely safe.’ I can almost smell the burning as Jane’s brain goes into overdrive and know exactly what she is going to say next, before she utters the words.
‘Let’s get a cuppa.’ These are the words that fix everything according to Jane and my mum. Heading into the café, I know that the conversation is far from being over.
Thirty-Two
I’ve only been doing it for two days, and I’m knackered. Getting up and going to work is exhausting. I’m not even doing any work, I’m just watching Seema work.
When I started yesterday I discovered that Seema went to Uni with Jane and had decided quite early on that she wanted to focus on Sports Psychology rather than ‘the energy draining stuff’ as she called it. She made me laugh as after almost everything she said, she added, ‘Don’t tell Jane I said that.’
I didn’t think Jane would like some of what she said, which was probably why I found it so funny.
‘Working with sportspeople means that I spend every day with people who’re trying to be the best that they can be,’ she said, full of energy and passion for her work. ‘They aren’t wallowing in self-pity and, believe me, many of them have had a really tough time. They wake up every day and try to be better than they were yesterday.’
‘You really enjoy this, don’t you?’ I asked.
‘Of course, what’s the point in getting up and doing something that doesn’t make you happy? It’s not always easy and there’s still boring paperwork and the occasional idiot to deal with, but spending my days with people who are genuinely passionate about what they’re doing is inspiring. I couldn’t do what Jane does. She spends her days with people who are stuck in a cycle of misery, and while she does amazing work – you can tell her I said that – I think I’d go home every day wanting to cry. In this job, I go home buzzing.’
‘I’ve never met anyone who talks about their work like this,’ I said, genuinely surprised that someone could feel this way about their job. ‘I mean, I know Jane loves what she does and I have no doubt she’s really good at it, but she’s not excited about it. My mum also spends every weekday wishing it was Friday and then starts complaining about work again on a Sunday afternoon.’
‘I think that’s how a lot of people feel, Dani. It makes me sad. I think it’s great that you’re not rushing into a decision and you’re coming to see what really happens in this line of work. Don’t settle for something you’re not passionate about. Tell me, if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?’
Wow, there was a question. I shocked myself with how easily I answered it. ‘I want people to know that whatever they have been through, they can still be whoever they want to be and that life really can be amazing.’
‘That’s an incredible mission, Dani. That’s going to be your life’s work. Did you notice how you changed as you said those words? Your eyes lit up, you were excited and I believed every word. I feel motivated just by listening to you. So, what do you do in your life at the moment that brings you the most happiness?
That was easy. ‘Spend time with my dog, spend time with my friends, and I feel I’m in the right place when I train. I do taekwondo.’
‘Jane said not to mess with you and that you’re almost a black belt,’ Seema joked. ‘So, sport makes you come to life, so you’ll be at home spending your days with people who feel the same way as you do. People who know that sport’s the answer, even if they’ve no idea what the question is. Your friends will always be there, and by working in an environment that’s filled with like-minded people, you easily find new friends. You might not like everyone, but you’ll respect most them. Then there’s the dog. I know people who have their dog with them when they have consultations, a lot of the clients find it easier to relax and talk when there’s a dog in the room.’
‘This is my dream job then, isn’t it?’ I said, feeling I might have found the thing I could happily spend my days doing.
‘I’ve no idea, but I do know you could make it work for you, and that the lifestyle you’re looking for can be found in this work.’
I can’t stop thinking about it all. The couple of days I’ve spent with Seema have inspired me and have made me want to think about my future. I want to go to Uni and study Sports Psychology. I want to make it work for me and I am finally excited about it. I am also knackered, but in a good way. My brain has been working, but it has been working on something I do feel passionate about. I wouldn’t mind coming home and feeling tired if it felt like this. Now, I need to figure out how I can make it happen.
Thirty-Three
‘Did Seema slip you some of those energy drinks she loves so much?’ Jane asked earlier this evening when she found me at her kitchen table, already working.
‘Better than that, she slipped me my dream job,’ I replied. ‘Did I tell you I met an Olympic medallist?’
‘Three times.’ Jane rolled her eyes but didn’t look fed up at hearing me being excited by my work experience.
‘It didn’t feel like work at all, it was amazing.’
‘That’s probably because you weren’t actually doing any of the work, Dani.’
‘Okay, that’s a good point, but Seema didn’t look like she was working either, she looked like she was having fun.’ I stopped myself. I knew that if I got too excited about it, Jane would start her lecture about how I should take all of it seriously and how it was not always about fun.
‘You could do a lot worse than getting paid to have fun.’ That shocked me. Maybe I was being unfair to Jane. ‘Now we need to get back to reality and think about how you’ll get yourself to Seema’s position in a few years’ time. Or better still, to become Seema’s boss.’
‘That would be cool, and then I could ask her to make me my tea, like she did to me.’
‘No wonder she was having so much fun.’ Jane picked up her notepad and pen so I knew she meant business. She sat down opposite me and it was clear the fun was over. ‘Let’s figure this out. Then, Lucy is coming to take you to her training session and if you want, I’ll take you for a drive later.’
‘You mean, with me driving?’ I asked hopefully. My lessons were going okay but I was still too scared to book a test date.
‘Yes, with you driving! Is that enough motivation to get you to focus on this for a little while?’
‘Taekwondo and driving? Sure! Throw in some pizza and you will have my undivided attention.’ I knew I was pushing my luck, but it was worth a try. I only had two more days at boot camp and I knew Jane used me as an excuse to get takeaways.
‘Deal.’
That was easier than I thought and I was actually looking forward to working out how I could turn into Seema. Well, not literally, although she was pretty cool.
‘Are you sure you want to apply for Sports Psychology?’
Jane had an annoying habit of making me second-guess my decisions. For once, I felt sure. I also knew that if I got to Uni and hated it, I could try to change courses. Seema did, so it’s not like I was totally stuck for the rest of my life. I just had to go with what felt right. Working with Seema felt right, so that had got to be a good start. ‘I’m sure,’ I said, more enthusiastically than I would have liked, as Jane thought I was taking the piss.
‘This is serious, Dani, this is a big decision.’
‘I know, I’m sure. I really am. It’s the first time I’ve felt sure about any of this.’ I surprised myself by how sure I was. As Jane was asking me about it, I became more certain. It felt good to have made that decision as now I knew what I was aiming for. All I needed to do, was figure out how to get there.
‘There ar
e a lot of options to consider now.’ Jane put down her pen, pushed her glasses up her nose and looked like she was about to deliver some bad news. ‘How about, we go for the option that will give you as many choices as possible when you pick up your results?’
Now she had my attention. ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, wondering if this meant there was a magical solution that I hadn’t thought of, a way to feel safe and still go to Uni, a way to make the permanent headache of uncertainty go away.
‘Your focus has to be on getting the best grades possible so that when the time comes to make a final decision about where you go and when you go, you still have choices and you’re not forced into a path you’re not happy with.’
‘Sounds good.’ I wasn’t sure where Jane was going with this. She had been so determined to find a clear path for my future that this was sounding weird, coming from her.
‘In order to work hard and get your grades this year, you need to feel safe. I don’t just mean safe in terms of being at home with Reggie, but safe in the knowledge that you have choices and that you won’t ever be forced to make a decision you’re not comfortable with.’
I could see that Jane was getting upset.
‘I’m sorry that I’ve put pressure on you. I’ve been so busy trying to make you see that you’re capable of doing anything you want to do with your life, that I forgot the most important thing. Feeling pressured into making a decision is the worst possible scenario for you.’
‘It’s okay, I know you’re trying to help,’ I said, not wanting Jane to feel bad about any of it. She was one of the few people who had always been there for me and I knew that. Annoying as she could be, she would never want to upset me.
‘Now that you know you want to do Sports Psychology, why don’t you apply for the best Uni, the most local Uni, and any others that you like the look of. Then, you’re keeping your options open and it will be down to them to decide if they want to offer you a place. If you get the grades and decide that you need to apply again, not that I can imagine anyone turning you down, you can take a gap year or be an intern for Seema, anything, but you’re not bringing Reggie here.’