by Marie Yates
In a heartbeat, all of the pressure was lifted. I knew what I wanted to do, but there wasn’t just one route that I needed to take to get there. I had options, I had choices and I only had to take one step right away. I only had to fill in the form and then I could concentrate on Sixth Form while I let the universities decide if they wanted me or not.
‘You might feel differently in the summer and so you will still have different options,’ Jane said. I knew she hoped I’d decide to go to the Uni with the best course, But I was sure she’d understand if I stayed at home and went to the local Uni too.
‘So, I just need to fill in the form,’ I said, making it sound simple. ‘Will you help me with my personal statement?’ I knew that was going to be a nightmare.
‘After pizza?’
‘Most definitely,’ I agreed. It was nice to know that it wasn’t just me who procrastinated.
Thirty-Four
Boot camp already feels like a lifetime ago. I was on a mission, working hard and feeling as if I knew where I was heading. It is much harder to keep that focus and motivation now I’m back at home.
Jane kept a close check on me while I was away.
‘You’re still writing down your goals, aren’t you?’ she asked me at one point, although she must have known the answer. ‘I bet you feel more focused and productive when you’re writing them down every day.’
She was right, of course. I do feel better when I do it, I just forget. I guess my goals have changed a bit now too. My big goal is to go to Uni to study Sports Psychology. Or is it? Is my big goal to be a Sports Psychologist and Uni just a stepping-stone to that? Either way, I have to get through Sixth Form or I won’t be doing either of those things.
On one of the days I trained with Lucy, I was buzzing and was ready to take on the world. I then wrote one of my assignments in record time and had a draft of my personal statement finished, ready for Jane to delete and re-write!
‘It’s a good start,’ she offered, after she’d read it, while her finger hovered over the delete button. ‘Would you like me to tweak it?’
‘I would love nothing more,’ I said, crashing on the sofa, knowing that she would turn it into a literary masterpiece.
She did turn it into something special and I returned home up to date with all my work, with essays ready to hand in and the now infamous university application form submitted. I did exactly what Jane suggested. I applied for the best course, the most local course, and then based the others on how close they were to home or Jane. I probably could have done more research, found out more about the courses or tried to figure out if I was ready to leave home, but I was comfortable with my reasons for applying and was not worrying about it anymore. I just needed to get it done.
‘I can’t believe you’ve done all of that,’ Mum said when I told her. She sounded as if she actually didn’t believe it, which was annoying.
‘Want to read my application?’ I offered, knowing she would be impressed. ‘Jane made me sound like a living legend in the personal statement.’
There were raised eyebrows as Mum said, ‘She really does have a way with words, doesn’t she?’
‘I know. The weird thing is that it’s all true, but she makes it sound so much better than it is.’ I knew that my first draft was a poor effort in comparison, but I could never write like that.
‘She really does.’ I wasn’t expecting Mum to be quite so honest about that. ‘So, what are you up to now that you have a weekend free of deadlines before getting back to reality on Monday?’
I shrugged and went back up to my room. I had been avoiding that question myself.
Frankie just sent me a message. ‘Wanna stay over 4 a welcome back weekend? x.’
I enjoyed the week away. We were in contact every day, but I enjoyed the pressure-free break. With that one message, it all comes flooding back.
I think it’s zapped my motivation even more as my mind is racing. I do want to see her, of course I do. I’m just not sure I want to stay over.
I look at myself in the mirror. It’s not something I usually do, mainly because most of the time I’m running late, but I still don’t feel comfortable with what I see. I have lost the comfort-eating weight I gained when I moved here, and thanks to a combination of taekwondo and walking a super-energetic hound, I look okay. Nobody else has seen me like this though. I used worry about what I looked like, I ate so many Jaffa Cakes there was a risk I would turn into one, but now I’m worrying about it in a different way. Am I ready for Frankie to see me, all of me, and am I ready to trust her in this way?
There’s only one way to find out, I suppose. I can always come home again. ‘Sure, sounds good,’ I reply, trying to remain as relaxed as possible. Now I need to think about something else before I find my way to the biscuit tin.
Goals
It is May and I have my black tag. I am definitely a step closer thanks to Lucie kicking my ass last week.
It’s Easter and I am up to date with all of my Sixth Form work! The goals I set myself a few weeks ago have actually been achieved, which is a pretty cool feeling. I have done the work experience, have met my deadlines and submitted my Uni application.
Success
That I am on track and not spending the weekend writing essays while panicking and crying. I almost don’t know what to do with myself.
Replying to Frankie and not freaking out completely. I only freaked out a little bit!
Gratitude
Jane helping me get my life in order and it turns out I do feel like I’ve had a holiday.
Frankie wanting to see me. Despite my little freak out, I’m lucky that someone wants to spend time with me.
Having a lie-in and a morning with my favourite boy.
Thirty-Five
Last night was an emotional rollercoaster. It certainly taught me a lesson, too. I was getting ready to go to Frankie’s, a bit worried that I hadn’t heard from her all afternoon, but I figured she was getting ready for us to spend some time together. I messaged her a picture of Reggie looking sad as he watched me pack my bag. He seemed to know that he wasn’t invited. Usually she replied straight away, but I hadn’t heard from her for a couple of hours.
I knew that I hadn’t done anything to upset her, but my mind was starting to play games with me. Had she changed her mind? Would she rather not see me? Was she trying to work out how to tell me not to come over? I hated it when I overthought everything.
Just as Mum shouted that she was ready to give me a lift, my phone beeped. ‘So, so soz, babe. Gutted but been sick all afternoon. Mum’s staying here to look after me. So soz x.’
My first thought should have been concern that Frankie was poorly, but it wasn’t. I was gutted that I wouldn’t get to see her and stay over. I sat on my bed, replying and telling her I hoped she would feel better soon, then immediately sent another message saying, ‘I’m gutted too x,’ which was the truth.
Maybe I wasn’t as freaked out as I thought I was; maybe I was ready to trust Frankie? I wasn’t to find out this weekend though and waking up in my own room this morning, I was disappointed not to be waking up with Frankie.
‘Let’s not waste the day,’ Mum said, as she made us breakfast. ‘I’ve said we’ll go out for a walk and have a late lunch with Amie.’
That wasn’t one of my new plans for the day, but I figured it would be good to see Amie. Frankie was still locked away in her bathroom so I wouldn’t be seeing her for a while.
I had been planning to kick and punch my way through a stack of pillows in an attempt to practice before tonight’s training session, but the fresh air would do me good. Lunch would do me good too!
As usual, when we got there, it took at least ten minutes for Amie even to say ‘hi’ to me. She adored Reggie and the feeling was mutual, so as soon as they spotted each other at the park there was a lot of squealing, bouncing around, and cuddles. I waited patiently for them both to calm down while our mums sat on the nearest bench, where they would probably stay until we
left to go for lunch.
‘You two go and take him for a stretch while we catch up,’ Mum told me, reaching for her flask of tea and the two mugs she had packed. She hadn’t brought four mugs so it was clear that Amie and I weren’t going to be included in the catch up, even though there was no doubt we would be discussed.
‘We don’t want you cramping our style anyway,’ Amie shouted as she ran off, racing Reggie to his tennis ball which was never going to end well. I raced after her. ‘I swear he gets quicker every time I see him,’ she said when she stopped, out of breath. She bent over to try to recover.
‘I swear you get slower,’ I replied, throwing the ball again. ‘How are you doing, apart from being unfit and knackered?’
‘Never mind me. I’m fine, what about you?’ She looked at me suspiciously, as if there was a hidden meaning to her question.
‘I’m good, thanks. I’ve been at Jane’s and am almost ready to face Sixth Form again.’ Amie was smirking as I answered, but I couldn’t figure out why.
‘You look really happy,’ she said. ‘What’s her name, like I have to ask?’
‘Oh, so that’s why you’re smirking. Who told you?’ I didn’t need to ask, I knew that our mums talked on the phone every week.
‘I’m upset you didn’t tell me, but it’s cool to see you so happy. Does Reggie like her? I won’t have anyone upsetting him.’ I swore that Reggie captured the heart of almost everyone he met. Amie sounded genuinely concerned that Reggie was happy with the new person in his life.
‘Of course, like I’d want to be with anyone who didn’t like him,’ I said honestly. ‘Don’t worry though, you’re his favourite.’ That was true too. There was only a handful of people that he was that excited to see.
‘I think it’s cool that you’ve found someone. I mean, it’s not like I was surprised, you talked about Frankie in a different way to your other friends.’
It was a good day and Amie wasn’t the first person to tell me that. It seemed the only person who needed to think it all through was me.
So, I missed Frankie today, but I think the week away and now the relaxed weekend has been good for me. I have a few weeks to stay on track before Easter and as long as I don’t let the deadlines creep up on me, I’ll be able to enjoy more time with Frankie without getting stressed out. If I can keep feeling like this, I’ll be flying.
Goals
It is May and I have my black tag.
It’s Easter and I am up to date with all of my Sixth Form work.
Success
Nothing much today, other than getting out of the house and enjoying myself.
Gratitude
A day with Amie, which is always good for my soul.
Amie being so cool about me seeing Frankie, not that I would have expected anything else from her.
Feeling ready to get back on the case with Sixth Form tomorrow and catching up with my friends.
Thirty-Six
The week started so well, and then today I came crashing back down to earth with a bang. Frankie wasn’t in Sixth Form for a couple of days, which meant I was more productive than usual and had a good time catching up with Maya and Katie.
They were impressed that I finally decided on my Uni plan.
‘I can see you being a successful Sports Psycho,’ Maya said, when I excitedly told them both all about my couple of days with Seema.
‘Psychologist,’ I corrected her, thinking that my business cards wouldn’t be quite as impressive as Seema’s with that title.
‘I prefer “Psycho”, I think it suits you,’ she stated, looking like she had given it some thought.
I moved on as quickly as possible, and it felt good to be able to talk to them about making the decision and being up to date with everything. Usually, they were talking about the essays they were working on while I was still panicking about the ones that were overdue. I actually enjoyed having lunch with them without feeling overwhelmed and as if I was wasting time when I should be in the library. Not that spending time with my friends was ever a waste of time, but I hadn’t enjoyed it in a while because I’d been too busy panicking.
The day had gone well. I’d learnt something from it. I just needed to remember that panicking was not fun, and all I had to do was stay on top of my deadlines. I didn’t think it could be that difficult. I was doing okay, it had only been two days and I’d only been given one piece of work to complete, but I guessed even I would be able to manage that without a drama. We didn’t have long left until we went on study leave, which was scary and exciting all at the same time. So life wasn’t at all bad.
But that was then. It was earlier today, when things began to go wrong. I should have known it was too good to be true.
‘I’ve got a countdown by my desk and every night I cross out another date,’ Katie told us over lunch. She was desperate to leave Sixth Form and get on with her plan to be super-successful.
‘Like you see with people in prison?’ I asked, remembering a film I had watched a while ago where a guy was counting down the days until his release.
‘Don’t you feel like we’re in prison?’ she asked. ‘We’re stuck here, day in day out, just ticking off the days until we can actually start learning something useful that will help us to build a career.’
‘Are you okay? This isn’t like you.’ I was surprised that Katie was on such a downer, she was usually the person motivating us.
‘Cal’s decided that we need to take a break and have some time out from each other,’ she whispered. ‘We haven’t split up,’ she added with more volume and feeling. ‘We’re just having some time to ourselves.’
‘Wow, I’d no idea, I’m really sorry,’ I said, but before I could finish what I was going to say she cut in.
‘There’s nothing to be sorry about, we haven’t split up, it’s fine. I’m late, I’m going to waste another hour of my life learning about nothing.’ With that, she threw her bag over her shoulder and disappeared into the crowded hallway.
‘Oh yeah, she’s totally fine,’ Maya said as I contemplated going after her. ‘Let’s hope they don’t split up as I don’t think any of us are ready to deal with Katie in that sort of mood.’
‘Do you think they might?’ I asked, feeling bad that I hadn’t realised what was going on with Katie. I had been so focused on my own stuff that I hadn’t asked about her and Cal.
‘No idea.’ Maya shrugged. ‘And to be honest, I’m not sure I care.’
‘Are you okay?’ I asked, now feeling like I had managed to miss everything that was going on in my friends’ lives.
‘Yeah, just fed up and can’t wait to get out of here. I thought it’d be a fun couple of years hanging out with friends and not having the strict rules of school. Turns out, my friends have fallen in love and I almost miss the rules of our last school as it meant I wasn’t sitting on my own trying to motivate myself.’
‘Shit. I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I don’t want to be that person and I’m sorry.’ I couldn’t believe what Maya was saying. I felt awful and she left me sitting by myself, as she moved onto her next class with a shrug.
‘That’s life, I guess,’ she called back over her shoulder.
I was feeling like the worst friend on earth when I spotted Frankie walking through the hallway towards my table. I wasn’t sure if she’d be back yet and I didn’t think I’d ever been as relieved to see her as I was in that moment.
She walked towards me, saying, ‘Don’t worry, I’m not contagious.’ She gave me a hug that instantly cheered me up.
I went from feeling so guilty I could cry, to the relief of seeing Frankie, and then back to guilt in a split second. Because as we broke away from our hug, one of the guys from our PE class walked past and shouted ‘dykes’, then laughed with his friends. Frankie swore at him and I sat back down, knowing that I wouldn’t be going to the PE class the following day.
‘Ignore him,’ Frankie said, and she started giving me the details of her recuperation as if that word had never bee
n shouted.
I listened to her; at least, I tried to. My brain had gone into overdrive though. It was replaying all of the memories I had tried to bury from Year Eleven, where the bullies would torment me with that word amongst other things. I was smiling and nodding as Frankie spoke, but I knew that I just had to get home. In the space of ten minutes, the longest ten minutes I’ve experienced in months, I went from being relieved to seeing Frankie, to being relieved that we had different classes to go to.
‘See you tomorrow, I’ve got training tonight,’ I said as she walked to her class. I started walking in the direction of mine, but as soon as she was out of sight, I turned around and walked the other way. I couldn’t sit in class and concentrate. I went home, ran upstairs and cried.
Thirty-Seven
I didn’t train, I didn’t do any work and instead I walked Reggie to the local shop so that I could buy more Jaffa Cakes.
‘I’ve got some friends coming over,’ I lied as the guy served me. I’m pretty sure people only say that when it’s a lie. Why would he care whether I had friends coming over or not?
Mum was having dinner at Sammy’s so I didn’t have to explain myself and by the time she came home, she wasn’t surprised to find me in bed.
‘Goodnight,’ she whispered into my dark room. She called Reggie to take him back downstairs.
The rule that he wasn’t allowed in my room had never worked out, but she still did her best to get him to sleep on his bed downstairs, rather than on my bedroom floor. He couldn’t do anything quietly so I heard his wagging tail knock over my folders and then his heavyweight effort of getting down each stair with Mum telling him to be quiet, as if that would make a difference.