Frankie & Me

by Marie Yates

  ‘I thought today was an early start,’ Mum said as she was leaving for work today and I was still in my pyjamas.

  ‘No, that’s tomorrow,’ I lied. ‘Now that we’re almost at study leave, some things get moved around so we can finish coursework.’

  ‘Okay, well, have a good day,’ she called out. She was obviously running late and not really listening. That was fine by me. I couldn’t face explaining why I wasn’t going to Sixth Form.

  ‘My stomach has come out in sympathy with yours. x,’ I messaged Frankie. Another lie. That was three in under twelve hours and I did not feel good about it.

  ‘Noooooooo, sending get-well vibes x,’ she replied. I realised she’d already forgotten about what had happened yesterday. Once she’d shouted back, that seemed to be the end of it as far as she had been concerned.

  I know that she was pissed off about it, but I wish I had her ability to forget about it and move on.

  I spent last evening feeling awful about being such a bad friend and being too scared to go to Sixth Form today because there was no way I was going to face those guys in PE. I bet today they’ve forgotten about it too. They’re actually okay most of the time, I’ve worked with some of them on different projects and they’re good fun. I bet they thought they were joking, and that we’d laugh it off. They call everything ‘banter’ and I have no doubt they’d say exactly the same about this. Except, it’s not ‘banter’ to me, it hurt and I can’t face going back to being frightened every day. Frightened it will happen again, frightened it will get worse; it’s exhausting and already I have let them get the better of me.

  Last night, I was second guessing everything. This is what happens when I don’t do the things that I know will help me and instead, do the exact opposite. I knew training would help, but I didn’t go. I knew that finishing my assignment would help, but I didn’t even switch on my laptop. I knew that a long walk with Reggie would help, but the poor dude only had a half an hour walk and he made me feel bad as we turned the corner to come home, instead of carrying on to the park. He stopped, looked in the direction of the park and then looked at me. ‘Not today,’ I said, and felt even worse.

  I convinced myself that Frankie hadn’t really been ill and that she had been using it as an excuse not to see me. I convinced myself that Katie and Maya had been talking about what a horrible person I was because I hadn’t made the time to see them. I cried as I sent apologetic messages and cried even more when they told me everything was fine and we’d catch up properly soon. I cried when Frankie sent me a funny video link with a dog that looked like Reggie, and tried to remember that she did like me and she did want to see me.

  I cried as I remembered all of the things the bullies said to me. That one word had opened the floodgate of memories and I couldn’t close it.

  Maybe that’s what I needed: a good cry. Today, more than any other feeling, I’m disappointed with myself. I know what I need to do to sort my head out and I’ve chosen not to do any of them. Today, now that I’ve already lied, I have a choice. I can spend the day feeling as crappy as I did last night, or I can give myself today to sort myself out again. I can practice, ready for training tonight, I can finish my assignment and I can get back to Sixth Form tomorrow and be a good friend, see Frankie and get back to class.

  Even writing this down is making me feel stronger and motivated. The first thing I’m going to do is make it up to Reggie and take him to the park. Nobody will see me as they’re all in class, where I should be. I’m allowed a ‘blip day’ as Jane sometimes calls them. As long as I can get myself out of it, I’m allowed. As long as I stick to my new plan for today, this will be a record for me in getting myself sorted out after such a downer.

  Goals

  It is May and I have my black tag. Missing one training session isn’t great, but I can make up for it and work extra hard tonight.

  It’s Easter and I am up to date with all of my Sixth Form work. Only one little assignment and I’ll be back on track. I can catch up on today’s lessons, but definitely can’t miss any more.

  Success

  Not starting the day by eating more Jaffa Cakes.

  Being able to talk myself out of the ‘blip’.

  Gratitude

  The messages from Katie & Maya. I think it was just a bad day for all of us yesterday but I do need to be a better friend and make more effort.

  Thirty-Eight

  It’s easy to forget how far I’ve come. It wasn’t so long ago that I would have struggled to get myself out of that black hole. It would have been days, or weeks, not hours before I was back in the land of the living. I would have been stuffing my face with junk food, wallowing and going over and over how unfair life is until it would have felt almost impossible to get out of bed.

  Life is unfair. I get that now and it’s a lot easier to deal with now that I’m not expecting things to be a different way. What I have learnt though, is for every black hole, there’s a rainbow waiting for me – literally in my case!

  After my allocated ‘blip day’, I did pick myself up, I finished my assignment and I went training. I admit, when I got home I celebrated with ice cream, but that’s okay, I earned it.

  I went back to Sixth Form and walked into the PE class with some nerves, but with a higher purpose. Those idiots would not stand in the way of me passing this course and getting to Uni.

  ‘All right?’ said one of the idiots as he held the classroom door open for me.

  ‘When did you turn into a gentleman?’ I asked, making sure I didn’t show any signs that I was still nervous, even though my palms started sweating and my heart was racing as he made eye contact with me.

  ‘I’m a nice guy’ he said, sounding offended. ‘You just need to get to know me.’

  ‘I’ll take your word for it,’ I replied. That was more than enough conversation with him for one day but he walked away smiling and without calling me any names so I felt better.

  Frankie raced in, just in time, as our teacher was on the warpath. Most people were late with their assignment, Frankie being one of them, and as he launched into his lecture about how important these few weeks were, blah, blah, blah, I was able to sit back and enjoy the tired, defeated expressions on the faces of my peers, knowing I’d handed my assignment in.

  ‘Smug is not a good look,’ Frankie whispered.

  ‘Don’t worry, it won’t last long,’ I admitted.

  I also spoke to Frankie about needing to spend more time with my friends. They’re our friends really, I guess, but I wanted to make sure we could still enjoy time as a group. I hadn’t thought much about how I would make that happen, but Frankie obviously listened more than I gave her credit for.

  ‘How ‘bout we work all day an’ go out all day tomoz? Pizza n town? x,’ her text message read yesterday morning. It was a great idea, but I wanted to see my friends too. I heard my phone beep again straight after and realised it was a group message. Frankie had invited all of them.

  ‘Amazing idea, can’t wait till tomoz x,’ I replied to everyone and then sent ‘thank you x’ to Frankie. I knew that she’d done that for me. Knowing that I had a whole day with all my friends to look forward to was all the motivation I needed.

  So, assignments were written, pillows were kicked and punched, my driving lesson was completed (with one embarrassing stall at a busy roundabout but we’ll forget that happened) and I even cooked dinner for Mum and me. Pasta and garlic bread counts as cooking for me.

  ‘What have I done to deserve this?’ Mum asked, kindly not mentioning the overcooked pasta and rock hard bread.

  ‘Just trying to be nice’ I said, quickly followed by, ‘I’m going out with everyone into town tomorrow.’

  ‘There we go.’ Mum laughed. ‘I’ll search my purse for some pennies in the morning.’

  ‘Thank you!’

  Thinking about the last few days has been a wakeup call. Maybe I’m not as frightened as I thought I was. Maybe I am more capable of facing my fears than I thought I
was. Everyone has bad days, I know that. Mine are just often accompanied by some horrible memories. The memories don’t just affect my mind, they affect my body too, and that combination can be hard to work through. I did though; I went from being under the duvet, to facing my fear of walking into the classroom where I knew I’d see that idiot again.

  Except, he’s not really an idiot, he just did something that hurt me. Then, he did something nice. Maybe he was having a bad day too.

  I’d gone from that incident, to having the best day with my friends.

  Sharing it with Frankie was perfect. She managed to motivate all of us and we spent a lot of time congratulating ourselves on working hard so that we could enjoy some time together. We ate, we laughed and in our excitement Maya shouted, ‘We should book a holiday.’

  ‘Yeah, let’s do it,’ Katie joined in, while I could feel my nerves rising even though I was desperate to join in.

  ‘I’m serious,’ Maya continued. ‘If spending one day in town got us all working, just think what a holiday will motivate us to do.’

  She had a point. Looking around, I could see the wave of excitement washing over everyone. Locations were being shouted, the volume was ridiculous and it suddenly dawned on me.

  ‘I don’t even have a passport’ I said.

  ‘That’s an easy problem to fix,’ Frankie told me. ‘Where do you want to go?’

  I had absolutely no idea, I didn’t really care. I sat back and watched as I knew I wouldn’t get a word in edgeways. It was fun to be a part of this, to have a group of friends and for them to want me to be a part of this. In that moment, I realised I felt safe with them. I could go on holiday, have an adventure and know that they’d look out for me, and that I’d look out for them.

  Today I remembered the words of one of the police officers who helped me during the court case. We were sitting outside the courtroom, drinking the most disgusting hot chocolate I had ever tasted. ‘One day, sooner than you think, you’ll be sitting around, laughing and enjoying yourself. There’ll be a moment when you realise that you really are more than okay, and that you’ve made your way through this, and you’re out the other side.’

  At that time, I hadn’t believed it was possible. Now, I want to call and tell her that she was right and that moment is now.

  Thirty-Nine

  I don’t think life gets much better than this.

  I’ve been sent upstairs to get ready as Mum is taking me out for a shopping trip and some lunch. Just the two of us. I left her in the kitchen crying into her cup of tea, whimpering, ‘I’m just so proud of you,’ over and over again. If she carries on like this, it’s not going to be a great day out.

  I’ve been on a high ever since the best day out I’ve had in ages. That set me up for the week and things have just got better and better. I think it has been the best week of my life, and that’s no exaggeration.

  I haven’t told anyone, not even Frankie, but I had my driving test yesterday and I only went and freaking passed. First time. I am still buzzing.

  Mum told me this morning she sorted out the insurance so I could drive her car. ‘I’ve been forced to sell a kidney, so don’t you dare hit anything or we’ll have to sell the house and live in a tent,’ she said as she put the phone down. I didn’t dare ask how much it cost. Luckily, we moved on from that conversation quickly.

  Reggie lets us know that the post is about to arrive in his usual way. He knows the sound of the van and starts barking before the postie gets out of the car. Then, once the letters have been delivered and the postie walks back down the drive, Reggie looks at us both as if to say ‘You’re welcome, once again I have saved your lives from the postie of doom.’

  I run downstairs in case there’s anything for me. Collecting the letters, Mum looks at me with excitement. ‘Dani, there’s something for you.’

  ‘I can’t have my license back already,’ I say, as that’s the only thing on my mind – that little card of freedom with a picture that isn’t great, but I don’t care. It will mean I can drive, and I don’t care what I look like, as long as I am behind the wheel.

  ‘Wait, I need to be sitting down for this,’ she says. She hands me the envelope and my heart starts to beat faster and a wave of nervous excitement washes over me. ‘Open it, for crying out loud,’ Mum squeals, sending Reggie racing to the window to double-check the postie has been dealt with and doesn’t need to be told to go away again.

  I open it. ‘Shit,’ I whisper, staring at the letter, not knowing what else to say. My head is spinning as I realise that I am going to need to work hard, and that my future has opened up before my eyes.

  ‘It’s okay, don’t worry, love, you can apply again next year.’ Mum stands up to give me a hug and as she does, sees what is written on the letter.

  ‘Shit.’ It takes a split second for her to start crying. ‘You did it. You did it, Dani.’

  I have been offered a provisional place at both the local Uni and the Uni that Jane wants me to go to. I have choices. Well, I have to get the grades, but as long as I get the grades, I can go to Uni. I have provisional places at another two universities too, but seeing all of the options available to me, I know it’s a question of location more than anything else.

  ‘You know, whatever you want to do and wherever you want to go, I’ll support you,’ Mum says, still crying.

  ‘I need to get the grades, then I can worry about where I go,’ I say as the reality of the situation begins to sink in.

  ‘You will. You can do anything you put your mind to. You’ve proven that time and time again, but this week, you’ve excelled yourself.’

  ‘I really have, so can I drive us into town?’ I think the time is right to ask, as Mum won’t be able to say ‘no’ to me today.

  ‘Dani, you can definitely drive us into town.’

  I’m right; she isn’t able to say ‘no’ today! I won’t push my luck though because she might start talking about the cost of insurance and selling her body parts again.

  ‘I got my Uni stuff back x,’ I send to Frankie, wondering if she has heard too. I know she is training until lunchtime and want to talk to her face-to-face, not just tell her the good news in a message, but I’m too excited to hold it in. When I text her about the offers and then add in about how I’ve also passed my driving test, I think she’s disappointed I hadn’t told her it was going to happen, so I send another message: ‘Fancy pizza later? x.’ I know that she will forgive anything for her favourite food.

  Forty

  That’s it now. No more messing about. I’m going to ride this wave of good stuff that’s happening and get the grades I need to go to Uni.

  I’ve had way too much fun celebrating and have managed to forget the deadlines that are looming.

  It isn’t just me who has enjoyed good news about the future. When I was in town with mum, my phone was going off every two seconds.

  ‘I’m in, I’m going to Uni! x.’

  ‘Shit. Post, I need to get up x.’

  ‘Did you get in? x.’

  ‘I’m not dressed. I need to find my pants before I can check the post x.’

  Katie was up early waiting for the post every day this week, but in my excitement about my driving test, I had totally forgotten that we were waiting for the letters. Maya didn’t forget, but her lie-in on a Saturday couldn’t be interrupted by the small matter of her future career.

  ‘I’m IN. I’m IN! x.’

  That was three out of four of us. We were waiting for Frankie who joined in the excitement and asked me if I wanted to invite everyone for pizza.

  Callie who declared after I texted everyone – ‘Uni is for losers, but pizza is for winners, see ya laterz x’ – had decided a long time ago that she was going to go straight into an apprenticeship. She had a job lined up with a tattoo artist and would be earning good money while we were getting into stupid amounts of debt. I did wonder if I was doing the right thing, but at that moment, was too excited to think about the debt.

  N
ow that the celebrations are over, there’s no getting around the fact that the choices will only remain available if I get the grades they have asked for. They’re doable, I hope, but it won’t be easy. That’s the point, I suppose!

  I’m getting myself focused. I don’t just need to get the grades; I want to get the grades. I have never felt this motivated before, so I think I should make the most of it.

  Goals

  It is May and I have my black tag. Training has to stay high up on my priority list, as without it, I get lazy and feel crap. So, I will go to every training session, practice at home and I will get my black tag.

  It’s Easter and I am up to date with all of my Sixth Form work. Not long now until the Easter break and I have so much to do I could cry. I have my daily plan and all I need to do now is follow it and not get behind.

  It is August and I have the grades I need to go to Uni. I don’t need to worry about which Uni, I just need to get the grades to the choice will be mine, and not theirs.

  Success

  I can drive! I can legally drive! That’s the biggest success of my life so far. Passing first time is a bonus too as Mum says I now have bragging rights for life. It’s weird but a few people have asked me if I passed first time and it feels really good to nod, saying ‘of course’.

  Getting the provisional places at the universities is an awesome feeling. Not just because I can now work towards a career I’ll hopefully enjoy, but I feel valued. The Uni people have read my application and feel I have something to offer, that’s pretty cool.

  Gratitude

  Time with my friends. This has helped me a lot, in ways that they’ll never know. Being able to share it with Frankie has made it extra special and I think it has brought us closer.