Frankie & Me

by Marie Yates

  ‘Now tell me how I’d be feeling,’ she asked, looking paler by the second so must have been thinking about being on the ultimate rollercoaster.

  ‘You’d be literally shitting yourself.’ I laughed, knowing that was probably true. ‘You’d be feeling sick, you’d be sweating, your heart would probably be racing, you’d be desperate to get off.’

  ‘So, we’re actually feeling the same, but what you’re calling excitement is what I’m calling fear.’

  Jane gave me a minute to think about that. ‘So, what does that mean?’ I asked, wondering if I was being stupid.

  ‘It’s just chemicals, Dani. Our bodies are being flooded with the same chemicals, but in that situation, you love it and I hate it.’ She went quiet again, and I was starting to understand what she meant. ‘When we get down from that rollercoaster, we’ll both struggle to talk for a minute or two, we’ll both have quite intense feelings of either how awesome it was or relief that it’s over and we’ll both feel quite tired later on.’

  I could see where she was going with it; there was always a hidden message when it came to Jane’s mini-lectures.

  ‘Your life has been a rollercoaster.’

  There it was – the not-so-hidden message.

  ‘At the moment, you’re on a high and it’s amazing to see. I want this high to last a lifetime for you, but you still need to rest, to let your mind and body process what’s happening.’

  ‘I did need a good night’s sleep,’ I admitted. ‘I feel a bit better already. I think I’ve been buzzing for a while, like I’m on a high because things are going so well.’

  ‘That’s brilliant, and if anyone deserves to be enjoying a buzz, it’s you. All I’m saying is that it’s more likely to last and you’re more likely to enjoy it, if you also give yourself a break every so often.’

  After the last few weeks, I definitely needed time out. For once, things were going well, I mean, really well. Jane had taken some time off work, so along with making sure I spent time revising, we had a really good time together. She took me out for lunch, we went out with Lucy and she took me to see one of her favourite local bands.

  Sitting in the pub, having watched her enjoy the band and having enjoyed it myself, although I might not admit to that again, I felt like things had changed. I felt like I was sitting with a friend, not sitting with Mum’s friend who had been tasked with helping me, looking after me or fixing me. I hoped that she’d noticed the shift too, I hoped that she’d enjoyed the time we’d had together as much as I had.

  That feeling continued on the way back home to my house when Jane asked about Frankie. She wanted to know more about her and if there was anything she shouldn’t say over dinner.

  ‘I can’t think of anything. She’s pretty relaxed. Just don’t freak her out with weird questions that make it sound like you’re analysing her.’

  ‘Now you’re just spoiling my fun,’ Jane said. ‘You know I’m going to have to freak her out a little bit.’

  ‘Sure, I’d expect nothing less,’ I agreed, knowing that Frankie could give as good as she got. It would be a fun evening.

  It was. It was much more fun that I thought it would be.

  ‘I wish my folks were this cool,’ Frankie said as Mum and Jane went to get us some drinks.

  ‘My folks?’ I said, wondering what she meant.

  ‘Well, yeah. The way you talk about Jane, she’s like the mum everyone wants, isn’t she? She can get you to work hard and teaches you what life is all about, while also being your best mate and having a laugh with you. You got a cool Mum AND Jane, that’s pretty lucky.’

  I had to agree. ‘Right now, I do feel really lucky, and it’s not just because of my folks,’ I said, squeezing Frankie’s hand and wanting to kiss her.

  ‘Cheers,’ said Mum, sitting down next to Frankie, as if to protect her from an onslaught of questions.

  Jane excused herself. ‘You know what I want to order,’ she said, heading for the ladies.

  The waiter appeared and as Mum had almost finished ordering Jane’s food, he asked, ‘Would your partner like chips or salad with that.’

  Frankie and I stared at each other, then at Mum, desperately trying not to laugh.

  Without skipping a beat, Mum simply replied, ‘She’d like salad, please.’

  At that moment, Jane returned to find us all in tears. ‘What did I miss?’

  ‘Mrs M was just outed by the waiter,’ Frankie eventually managed to say, setting us all off again.

  ‘I just didn’t want to be the odd one out.’ Mum joined in.

  ‘Well, babe, you’re one of the cool kids now,’ Jane declared. ‘Cheers to that.’

  I had to pinch myself to be sure that I wasn’t dreaming. What was probably totally normal to most people, felt like a dream come true for me. I never thought I could feel so happy, genuinely happy, ever again. I knew it was just a meal out, I knew that everyone had their good times and their bad times, but for me, it was a big deal to be feeling like this and I wanted to enjoy it forever.

  Forty-Six

  Of all the ways my brain could choose to make me feel like crap, I wasn’t ready for this one. I had the weirdest dream and when I woke up it took me a while to convince myself that it wasn’t real. It certainly felt real. When I woke up my heart was racing, I couldn’t breathe properly and I was panicking, actually panicking.

  I haven’t had a dream like that for ages. It had happened all the time after the rape, I would be too scared to sleep and would desperately try to stay awake, but my body would win the battle. This time, I dreamt that the man who attacked me was chasing me. I’m not sure where we were, I didn’t recognise the place, but I was running as fast as I could down a quiet road. There were cars driving past and I caught the eyes of the drivers who looked away and didn’t stop. I came to a high fence, the same sort of mesh wiring that surrounds tennis courts. I looked back and I could see he was still running towards me, then I woke up.

  I felt as if I had been running for hours. My body ached and I was exhausted. I was too frightened to close my eyes again so I went downstairs and made a drink, making sure that Reggie knew he could go up to my room. I needed to feel safe and even though by then I had been able to talk myself around to the fact it was only a dream, my body still responded as if it had been real.

  ‘What made my brain do that to me?’ I now ask Reggie, who responds in the only way he knows how, with a head tilt and the offer of a paw.

  As soon as I ask the question I know the answer. Mum told me about a crime drama on television that I needed to avoid. She’s good at checking the programmes out for me. It’s annoying as I love crime dramas but it seems that if they don’t include in the story that someone has been raped or sexually abused it’s just not ‘dramatic’ enough.

  I happily avoided that programme. It’s not like I watch much TV anyway so didn’t give it another thought until yesterday evening. Maybe the people who spend so long creating real-life dramas that someone like me can choose to avoid with a bit of warning, should also think about the bloody adverts that pop up when I’m having a half-hour break from revision and trying to enjoy my dinner.

  Seriously, the advert left very little to the imagination, but just enough to make sure my brain went into a little panic. I thought I let it go quite quickly, and turned off the TV, put on some music and finished my dinner. The lyrics were flooding my brain and the volume meant that nothing else could infiltrate my system, or so I thought.

  ‘Is this a sign that things are going to go wrong again?’ I ask Reggie, but he has gone back to sleep and is snoring at the foot of my bed.

  The dream is a reminder that my brain might never fully recover from what happened. Even though things have been amazing and I’ve been really happy, it doesn’t take much for my brain to respond as if I am back in a life or death situation. I know that it is trying to keep me safe in its own primitive way, but it’s very annoying.

  The more I fight it, the worse it becomes. If I try to sta
y awake after a dream like that, my body takes over and makes me extra tired. If I try to go back to sleep, my brain starts thinking about things that mean I can’t even close my eyes. What’s that about?

  I’m supposed to be seeing Frankie but know that I will be grumpy and probably snap at her. When I felt like this before, I was on edge for hours afterwards, like my body was on some sort of comedown.

  ‘Really soz, got a mad headache, see u tomo x,’ I send, hoping that will be enough to not only mean that I can stay in bed and sort myself out, but that she also won’t message me too much. I know that sounds really horrible, but I don’t have much control over what I say when I feel like this, and I don’t want to be a bitch.

  ‘Revision, tomo at mine, be there! x,’ she replies.

  That gives me twenty-four hours. That’s enough, as long as I can get some decent sleep and not endure another dream marathon at world record pace.

  The one thing that makes me want to close my eyes and go to sleep is revision. That’s what I am supposed to be doing today anyway. A few pages of the psychology book and I’ll probably be sound asleep and only dreaming of social learning theory. Even writing those three words has made me sleepy!

  Forty-Seven

  I was right, there’s nothing like some psychology revision to numb my brain. I guess this means I’ll be doing quite a lot of sleeping when I’m at Uni.

  It took less than a chapter to send me back to sleep yesterday and after a couple of hours I woke up to find that I had been using the book as a pillow. It wasn’t very comfortable but I hoped it meant that I had absorbed the information while I was sleeping. Reggie had been replaced with a note from Mum.

  ‘I’ve taken Reggie for his walk, any idea how he found his way to your room when the kitchen door was left closed last night? Get some revision done x.’

  That was about as subtle as Mum ever got, but it was Mum-speak for ‘don’t let Reggie upstairs, you know the rules’.

  I was quite productive, once I got going, and felt better by lunchtime. With an evening of training ticked off and after my good night’s sleep last night, thankfully without any running, I was all set for a revision session at Frankie’s.

  Yeah, like that was going to happen.

  I did at least show willing. I took my rucksack full of books and my schedule. I had optimistically drawn a plan for the day, given each subject an allocated focus, and had scheduled a decent lunch break.

  ‘Let’s see the schedule, you geek,’ Frankie joked when I got to her house and we’d settled down to work. She reached for her pens.

  ‘Don’t mess it up,’ I said, handing her the carefully thought through revision plan.

  ‘I won’t mess it up, but I will make it much more fun.’ She scribbled hearts all over the page, kissed me and said, ‘There, I’ve still left an hour for lunch, now tell me you’d rather revise?’

  No contest. After absolutely no revision at all, but the most amazing day, it took all the self-control I could find to get up and get ready to go home.

  ‘Mum will be home soon, so you should at least get dressed,’ Frankie said as I was packing up the books that hadn’t been opened.

  ‘Yeah, I’m not sure this counts as a study day and didn’t you promise her that’s what you’d be doing?

  She looked at me in a way that made me melt, saying, ‘I’ve certainly learnt something new.’

  ‘Shut up.’ I said, pulling on my jeans and feeling embarrassed.

  ‘I’ve had an amazing time, there’s no way I’ll be able to concentrate on revision this evening.’

  I’d forgotten that despite calling this a study day, we hadn’t actually studied so I was going to have to motivate myself later on too.

  ‘How about you come over for dinner tomorrow evening?’ Frankie asked. ‘You know, like a proper dinner and meet my folks.’

  ‘I’ve met your folks loads of times,’ I said, wondering what she meant.

  ‘Yeah, but not properly, not as my girlfriend.’

  That word made me feel weird. Not in a bad way, just in an unfamiliar way. I was somebody’s girlfriend. That was pretty cool. ‘That sounds good, thank you.’

  ‘All cool, I’ll text you when I’ve checked with Mum about what time and all that. Now piss off and stop distracting me, I have work to do.’

  Walking home, I wondered how I would be able to concentrate all evening.

  So at least I’ve been struggling to concentrate for good reasons. No, better than that – amazing reasons. Maybe it doesn’t matter whether I feel on top of the world or in the depths of despair, revision is still the solution for numbing my brain!

  I am starting to worry that I am behind on revision. The last couple of days have shattered my schedule and regardless of the fact I wouldn’t have changed today for anything, I still need to pass the exams.

  I need to prioritise again, especially as I have everything going to happen all at once: handing in the last pieces of coursework, the dreaded exams and my next grading.

  Goals

  It is May and I have my black tag. Well, that’s next week! I have been doing okay, I’m nearly there I think but this is a big deal and I want it to be perfect.

  It’s the last day of formal lessons and I have handed in all of my coursework. I definitely need to get on this case if that’s going to happen. I’m two days behind, and that’s not good at all. One piece of coursework is being submitted for the second time because I wasn’t happy with the low mark, so I need to make that a lot better.

  Success

  Not spending a week in bed after the horrible dream. I think I’m learning to deal with things much better.

  Not freaking out at all during my day with Frankie. That might sound stupid, but being able to trust her and enjoy being with her is a big deal for me.

  Gratitude

  Frankie, Frankie and Frankie! She’s so good to me, I do feel so grateful that she wants to be with me.

  Reggie being my safety dog when I needed him, even though he fell asleep! That night, it wasn’t enough that he was in the house, I needed him to be closer to me. He understood.

  So, the question now is do I need to spend an hour re-writing my schedule, or do I just try to catch up? It’s probably unrealistic to think I can do two days’ work in one evening, so I’ll give myself the time to plan, and then celebrate by sticking to the plan. All I really need to do this evening is that one essay. If I can make that amazing, then I can sort out revision afterwards.

  Forty-Eight

  ‘I can’t believe you actually finished it,’ Frankie squealed when I showed her the essay. ‘I couldn’t get my head together to study at all after our day together, so I went for a run and crashed out.’

  I felt even more proud of myself that I had managed to motivate myself to get the essay finished.

  ‘It’s actually pretty good,’ she told me. ‘Maybe I’m a good influence on you after all?’

  ‘It’s a shame I can’t say the same thing back,’ I replied, feeling bad that Frankie was even more behind in her work than I was, but knowing I couldn’t do it for her.

  ‘I’ll find my superpower as the deadlines get closer,’ she joked. ‘You know me, I work better under pressure.’

  ‘Let’s hope that’s true,’ said a voice from the kitchen. ‘Hello, Dani, it’s good to see you, especially with a completed essay.’

  ‘Thanks for inviting me,’ I called back to Dani’s mum. ‘I probably should admit that it’s the second time I’ve written that essay as it was pretty poor the first time.’

  ‘As long as you’ve learnt from the mistake and you get the grade in the end, it doesn’t matter.’

  Frankie rolled her eyes. ‘She never says that to me.’

  Dinner with Frankie’s folks involved a lot less laughter than dinner with Mum and Jane, but it felt much more grown up. Her parents discussed their days at work and asked us about ours. They talked about politics, which I didn’t really understand, but saw Frankie in a completely different
light as she joined in, saying, ‘I think his left-wing approach will help the Country in the long run.’

  What did that even mean? I didn’t really care, but I was impressed. Her parents seemed to understand what she was talking about and the conversation developed without me. I enjoyed listening, without any pressure, and seeing how different Frankie’s family was to my own. Mum always told me about her day, but it was more about the bitch in the office who stole the last drop of milk from the communal fridge, or the fact her manager was working from home for the third time that week and incapable of answering emails. I didn’t think I’d ever heard Mum talking about politics. I bet Sammy talked about politics, so if the two families ever got together for dinner, he’d enjoy himself.

  What was I thinking? Was I already planning my future with Frankie? Family dinners and grown up conversations; I’d even just invited Sammy! What was going on in my head?

  ‘Dani? Dani are you okay?’ I heard through the mist of seeing my future flash before my eyes.

  ‘Sorry, I’m just really enjoying the food,’ I said, unsure about how much of the conversation I had missed.

  ‘Well recovered.’ Frankie winked at me, knowing that having a finished essay meant I could do no wrong in her mum’s eyes this evening.

  ‘Frankie tells me that you have some wonderful university offers available to you. Have you decided where you’re going to go?’

  Everything I’d been thinking about since September merged in a knot in my stomach and travelled to my throat, where it stayed, preventing me from speaking. I smiled, praying that words would form and managed, ‘I think the results will decide for me, but it’s exciting to have the choices.’

  Happy with that response, Frankie’s mum agreed and started talking about her university days. Luckily, she didn’t probe any further as I didn’t know what to say. I suddenly felt incredibly stupid that the real reason I didn’t have a clue about where I wanted to go was because I didn’t know if I could leave my dog.