by Ravi Dabral
I specifically remember one incident from Sanjay’s nineteenth birthday. Back then Sanjay and I used to be very close. Since all of us were still young, drinking and smoking was still a novelty for a few of us. For this day, Sanjay had purchased an entire crate of beer. In this party, everybody was drinking beer; some of our friends were smoking too.
Harish, another friend of ours, came to me and offered me a beer, to which I said no. He kept insisting, saying that it was my best friend’s birthday and I should be celebrating appropriately with the rest of our friends. When I categorically refused, he went to Sanjay and provoked him by saying, “I heard Suraj is your best friend, but he is not enjoying your birthday party.” Sanjay came to me and requested me to have a beer to celebrate his birthday. I could smell alcohol on Sanjay’s breath; I told him that lemon juice suited me and I was fine with it. Sanjay and Harish kept trying to pressurise me into taking a sip to prove that I was having fun too.
During teenage, friends pressurise in the name of fun, to experiment new stuff by using provocative language such as ‘if you are not smoking, drinking, or taking drugs, then you are not enjoying life fully.’ They instigate by saying ‘we have only one life to enjoy,’ ‘no harm in trying once,’ ‘without tasting once how can you say it is bad,’ ‘you are not a man if you are not smoking or drinking.’ Basically, they challenge your manhood. To girls, they highlight that smoking and drinking mark freedom and independence from the clutches of patriarchal society. Marketing experts, public relations (PR) agencies, event management companies and psychoanalysis experts encash on this mindset and prejudice. They kill our intellect and reasoning with the help of glamourised events and celebrity advertisements, thus imposing that smoking and drinking boost our confidence and make us different from the people with a herd mentality, but ultimately make us slaves to these harmful products. Once addicted, the person continues with it for whole life without any fun, but lots of trouble health-wise and financially.
On the contrary, MNCs selling such products are becoming richer and richer treating humans as products to consume their products. This is the height of consumerism. As per my opinion, in teenage, when we are dependent on our parents, we should cautiously spend our parents’ hard-earned money just for studies, rather than on drinking, smoking, and drugs.
But no matter what arguments I gave them, they didn’t listen. They poked fun at me and called me a spoilsport; it seemed my advice hurt their ego.
I was left alone with my philosophy and ideology, a black sheep among all of them. I guess my friends felt that their ideology ‘eat, drink and enjoy’ was right. Just because I did not want to indulge in these vices in the name of fun, didn’t mean I should spoil their party. So, I wished Sanjay and left for home. I was upset at being treated like an outsider, but I was not willing to change myself to fit into their herd mentality, controlled by market-driven forces and consumerism.
23rd November 2009
For the past few days, Sanjay has been missing college. Even if he comes, he doesn’t seem interested in talking to me. Perhaps he guessed that if he tells me anything about Anjali, I might warn her and ruin his plan. Anjali’s board exams are fast approaching, and I am entirely focused on making notes to teach her.
After that awkward conversation with her about dating, we never discussed the issue again. We never brought it up. Despite my growing affection for her, I am still very nervous around her. No matter what Sanjay says about having only one life, some values should be upheld regardless of one’s desires.
There were many reasons for not expressing my liking for Anjali. First was the trust which my professor had shown in me by giving me the responsibility of teaching his daughters. The main reason he had asked me to tutor them personally was that they could be safe within the house, and if I were to exploit the situation, then I would be no better than the hooligans on the streets.
Second, Anjali’s board exams were her priority, and as her tutor, mine too. Caring for her career and sacrificing my one-sided love was the best policy I needed to adopt at this moment. My proposal or declaration of love would most likely disturb her studies and her career. I was in my final year of journalism, and I had to focus on my career as well.
Finally, I needed to behave in a dignified manner keeping in mind a teacher-student relationship. As a teacher, it was ethically wrong on my part to have such feelings for my student. I could ruin the sacred bond between a student and teacher if I imposed my feelings on her. Who would ever trust a teacher again? Taming the mind using intellect and reasoning power is the key to becoming a civilised human being.
This constant conflict I had to suffer made my mind buzz. I wish I could forget everything and move on with life. I chose the path of spirituality when it came to love. Pure love demands sacrifice, and if I truly love Anjali, I should think more of her benefit than mine.
29th November 2009
In college, we were a group of friends—Rohit, Jaidev, Ronny, Dinesh, Rafeeq, David, Pooja and myself. Yesterday we decided to go to a pub to celebrate Rohit’s birthday. Now I might not seem the type, but I am very fond of dancing, especially to DJ music. I was really looking forward to enjoying with my friends. We reached the pub around 11:00 p.m. The place came as a surprise to me. I had imagined a lively place with excellent lighting and people grooving to the music everywhere, but what I saw was completely different.
The corridor through which we entered was lit with a single red light that gave me a feeling that I was entering a cave. The main hall was a vast gloomy room with one spotlight on the DJ, who was playing some new age techno music on one side of the hall. I could spot people of my age all over, some sitting on sofas, and others on high chairs, drinking beer and alcohol. The chequered dance floor was littered with people moving to the music like they were in a hypnotic state; the whole crowd jumped as one, screaming and shouting along with the music. None of them was concerned about how they looked while dancing; there were absolutely no inhibitions.
A crowd of people standing in the corner rolled something inside cigarette covers. I was surprised to see some people inhaling a white powdery substance, but did not comment on it, lest I look utterly ignorant in front of my friends. I was seeing such things for the first time in my life. Rohit saw me staring wide-eyed, and he laughed saying that I need not worry, indulging in these pleasures would open a new world for me and make my experience heaven. After taking these drugs, people enter a different imaginary world. Let us also experience this heaven.
Naturally, I flatly refused to partake in them, saying I will not allow any unknown substance to enter my body.
Rohit just smiled and asked, “How could you say no to something without even trying it? You will only be able to enjoy it once you have taken it.”
I asked them, “Have you tried taking drugs earlier?”
Rohit, who belonged to a wealthy family, said that he had tried them a couple of times. “Man, your confidence level boosts multiple times. You can do wonders,” he said.
I said, “All this is fake fun.”
Almost in sync, all of them told me to shut up and not spoil their mood.
Rohit said, “One dose of high-quality drug ecstasy costs ₹ 10,000.” Rohit covered this as part of his birthday celebration.
I said, “Keep me out; I don’t want to try the drug.” I retorted, “It is nice that you are willing to cover the charges for all, but what about the future? Once we become addicted to drugs then will you give us money to have drugs for our entire life?”
Rohit just made a face and said, “It’s difficult to deal with you. You enjoy your way, and we will enjoy ours.”
Rohit left the place and came back after some time holding a transparent packet with small white tablets in it. They disappeared for a while. After around fifteen minutes when they returned, I saw Rohit’s dilated pupils and immediately knew they were all high on the drug. They started dancing on the floor. They pulled me along with them to the dance floor. I also started dancing w
ith them. After an hour or so, I began to feel tired, but their energy level was very high. It seemed like they could dance for another five hours which was completely unnatural, while my tiredness wasn’t. That night we left the pub around 3:00 a.m., thoroughly exhausted. I wish I could have done more to stop them, but after Sanjay’s birthday party incident, I knew that anything I would have said would not have prevented them from doing just what they wanted.”
7
Lovesick Hope
1st December 2009
Today I met Sanjay after many days; I had almost forgotten that we had classes together. Although we were not on good talking terms, I still asked him, “Where were you for so many days?” He told me that he came to college, spent time in the library for a while and then headed home without attending classes. He went on to tell me that he had managed to find a girl named Renu, who was Anjali’s classmate. Her brother was a close friend of Sanjay’s, and it was through him that he had asked Renu to introduce Anjali to him at her place. Even though I had given up on my feelings for Anjali, his words hit me like a dagger straight through the heart.
I tried to show that I was happy for him and said that it was good that he was making progress. He said, ‘‘Where there is a will, there is a way. You did not help me, but I found a way.” I told him the same thing I had said the last time, that it was ethically wrong on my part as her tutor to introduce her to my friends. And also out of respect for Professor Bhatt, I could not have done it for him.
23rd December 2009
Sanjay and I rarely talk these days. He comes to class and sits as far away from me as possible. But today he came up to me while I was reading an interesting book on ‘materialism versus spiritualism’ in the cafeteria. He sat down on a chair and said with a sigh, “Suraj, today is a sad day for my love story.”
He looked so dejected that I got worried. I asked him, “What happened?”
He said that Renu managed to arrange a few meetings with Anjali at her home giving him the opportunity to impress Anjali through his personality and oratory skills. He had finally gathered the courage to tell Anjali through Renu about his feelings and to ask her if she felt the same way, but Renu told him that Anjali completely rejected his proposal and said she had no such feelings for him.
When I heard this, my heart jumped with joy, but at the same time, I was concerned for Sanjay. He was my friend after all. But in my heart of hearts, I was feeling happy. I was glad Anjali had said no as it meant Anjali was more concerned about her studies and career than about anything else. For a moment, in the deepest corner of my heart, I thought maybe she said no to Sanjay because she might have some feelings for me. This is what our wild thoughts do to the mind; they project dreamy pictures, take us to fantasy-land, where everything is in our favour, having no room for intellect and reasoning to think sensibly.
Deep in my heart, I knew this was just a lovesick hope, which could not materialise. When I think of my situation, I am reminded of Tagore’s lines from the short story Postmaster, “Oh poor unthinking human heart, an error will not go away; logic and reason are slow to penetrate.” We cling on with both arms to false hope, refusing to believe the proof against it.
At that time, I tried to keep my happiness to myself and tried to be there for my friend. I told Sanjay that I was really sorry for him. He smiled sadly and said that he had wasted around three months of his time and effort. To console him, I said that any girl who dated him would be fortunate. Perhaps the only reason Anjali refused his proposal was because she wanted to focus on her studies and not get distracted. I said to him, “Never mind, you are a handsome boy, you will find another girl, better than Anjali.” Though I doubted there was any girl better than her, I had to console Sanjay. He looked so heartbroken that I further added that once he was a successful person with money and prospects, perhaps he could propose to her again. Though I felt bad for Sanjay, I was happy in my heart it turned out to be good for me as now I could keep my hopes alive.
8th February 2010
I went to Anjali’s house for the last class today. Her board exams are fast approaching, and now she only has to revise, for which she may not require my help. In fact, today may be my last meeting with Anjali, because after her exams she will be concentrating on her medical entrance exams, and for that, she would be joining a professional coaching centre. I bought Archies’ greeting cards for both Anjali and Seema to wish them good luck for the forthcoming exams. After all this time, I started thinking that maybe my feelings for Anjali had gone away. Now that I was faced with the prospect of never seeing her again, my heart felt heavy and filled with regret that I could never tell her about my feelings. But maybe it was for the best, and in any case, there was nothing I could do about it now.
25th May 2010
I got a call from Professor Bhatt; he invited me to tea at his house. At 5 o’clock I made my way to his home and rang the doorbell. As luck would have it, Anjali opened the door with the biggest smile I had ever seen; it melted my heart in an instant. She was clutching a paper in her hand, and when she saw me, she ran to hug me. Needless to say, I was surprised by this gesture. Seeing Professor Bhatt sitting in the drawing room, I reluctantly pulled away from her. She thanked me for all the help I had given her in preparing for her exams.
Anjali took me to the drawing room where Professor Bhatt and Seema were sitting, waiting for me. Professor Bhatt rose to greet me and hugged me just as enthusiastically as Anjali. He told me that Anjali had scored 95 percent in her boards and Seema had scored 92 percent in her grade ten. Professor Bhatt started to say that it was all due to my hard work, but I interrupted him saying that all the credit went to his daughters and their excellent study ethics.
We sat and discussed their future plans. Anjali had aced her entrance exam for a medical college in Delhi, and she was set to leave in a few days. After casual chit-chat, Professor Bhatt took me aside and handed me an envelope. I could guess what was inside, but I could not accept it. He insisted saying that this was just a token from his side to show his appreciation for all the hard work I had put in. When I refused again, he forcibly put the envelope inside my jacket pocket.
I decided to walk home instead of taking the bus, even though I lived quite far away. I needed time to process the fact that Anjali would be going away in a week for five years to complete her MBBS course and even if she returned to Dehradun for her vacations, chances were slim that I would ever see her again. I have been trying to make peace with the fact for all this while, but I am unable to understand why I feel so heartbroken. It is not like we were dating or anything. But well, this day concludes my one-sided love story. Now I need to focus on scoring well in my final year exams.
8
Obstacles to Women Empowerment
8th May 2012
As I read through the last few pages, I was reminded of my first love or rather one-sided love. Thankfully, I am way past it, though sometimes memories can be painful. Once I finished my journalism course, I started working as an intern at a local newspaper. A few months ago, I shifted to electronic media because I realised there was more scope, as it was a better medium with a wider audience to highlight social issues.
In March 2012 my marriage was fixed after years of insistence from my grandmother. The last wish of my grandmother, who was seventy-five years old, was that before she left this material world for her heavenly abode, she wanted to take part in my wedding. My parents, along with a pandit, after countless days of matching charts and horoscopes, finally found Priya, beautiful, fashionable, and holding a Bachelor of Education (B.Ed.) degree. We got married on April 23, 2012 and we started our journey as soul mates.
25th June 2012
I am finally getting a taste of what it is like being an actual investigative journalist while working in Freedom News Channel (FNC). I liked the mission statement of FNC, ‘To achieve freedom from hunger, ignorance, and corruption through honest news reporting to uphold the spirit of democracy and the constitution.’ I work un
der our editor Mr. Anand Mishra, a very supportive and understanding boss, who doesn’t shy away from hard work or putting our necks on the line, should he find us relaxing. My friend Sanjay also works with the same news channel. Under Mr. Mishra’s guidance, we have learnt all the practical aspects of journalism. The owner of our news channel Mr. Devdhar Thapar had many businesses.
Apart from having a passion for journalism, I have developed a keen interest in yoga, meditation, and spirituality. I love delving into metaphysics to understand the world and our role in it.
Not only do I practice yoga and meditation early in the morning around 5:00 a.m., but I have also been practising how to open up all the seven chakras of our body and soul. The exchange of energy that takes place between the seven chakras and the environment, and advanced yoga techniques that activate the magnetic field surrounding us, and enable us to float mid-air through vibrant or kriya yoga, all these fascinate me. But all this requires a lot of practice and concentration of mind.
Nowadays, I am reading about the pineal gland, the seat or house of the soul or third eye. This pineal gland is deactivated in most of us because of preservatives, chemicals and fluoride content in our food. Only sages can activate this by following a simple organic and natural diet and meditation regularly. It is challenging for me to regularly practice yoga and meditation considering that I come home very late at night because of sting operations, or sometimes due to submitting stories to the editorial team late evening for the telecast.