Greed Lust Addiction

by Ravi Dabral

  Every once in a while, I get a sudden urge to drop everything in my life and take a bus to Rishikesh, which is considered to be one of the main spiritual centres in the world, to delve deeper into my understanding of the soul and spirituality. I often dream about going to Swami Atmanand, popularly known as Guruji, to become his mentee. But due to a hectic work schedule and family responsibilities, it has proved impossible. I cannot afford to leave everything in my life now.

  Three weeks ago, when I reached home in the evening, Priya told me that she was pregnant. I was delighted to know that I would soon be a father. I like kids very much as they have the purest hearts. Kids are the real form of God on this earth, without resorting to deceit. In my opinion, it is deceit that makes man a devil.

  30th July 2012

  Today after two months of Priya’s pregnancy, my mother said to me, “Suraj, why don’t you visit the doctor and get an ultrasound done of Priya?”

  I informed her, “Priya and I visit the doctor regularly for a check-up and the doctor does an ultrasound to check the development of the baby.”

  My mother said, “What I am requesting is to know the gender of the child in Priya’s womb.” When my mother was saying this to me, my grandmother, whose latest wish is to die only after seeing my kid, came there and said, “Nowadays there are ways to know in advance, so why not take benefit of that?”

  I asked, “What is the need to know this?”

  My grandmother said, “We want the first child in our next generation to be a boy.”

  Priya also came from the kitchen and said, “Yes, my mother also requested me to go for a gender test.”

  I asked, “And what did you say to your mother?”

  Priya said, “I told her that I would request Suraj to check where we could have a gender test.”

  I said, “That means all four women want to have this gender test.”

  Priya said, “What is the harm in knowing in advance?”

  I said, “Well, all of you listen carefully. It is illegal to have a gender test done. Also, it does not matter whether it is a girl or a boy; and I am against such type of tests.”

  My mother said, “To you, it does not matter, but to us, it matters; we want to have a baby boy.”

  I said, “Why do you want a baby boy? What is wrong with a baby girl?”

  Priya said, “If we have a baby boy then it gives a sense of security and status in the society.”

  My grandmother said, “You are a boy, so you do not understand how difficult it is to live a woman’s life; there is so much struggle and risk.”

  I said, “That does not mean that we kill the girl in the mother’s womb. Who are we to do this, to end the life of an unborn baby?”

  I added, “I am very sad to hear this from the women of my house. It is very unfortunate that even in today’s modern world there are women with an orthodox and deep-rooted belief system, giving importance to boys, thus indirectly surrendering and endorsing the patriarchal system. Today is an era of women empowerment. How can women be the enemy of women? For real women empowerment, women need to change the deep-rooted patriarchal prejudice inbuilt in their minds for centuries. You need to be open-minded that girls and boys are equal in today’s world, and in fact, girls are performing well in all fields. It is our materialistic and patriarchal mindset which has made us so cruel that we think of murdering a baby in the mother’s womb.”

  They all tried to convince me to do the gender test. Finally, I said, “Please don’t discuss this topic again. I am against this evil practice and am warning you all against this test. Be it a baby girl or baby boy, be ready to welcome that angel in our house.”

  10th March 2013

  Today is the happiest day of my life. I have become a father. I would give up anything to spend maximum time with my new-born baby. Now I try my best to reach home early to play with Ujjawal.

  I checked the clock; it was forty minutes past one at night. I yawned and got up from the chair and realised my legs had become stiff after sitting for so long. As I read through the last line of the first diary, I was overwhelmed by the ideologies of Suraj. I could almost hear his deep calm voice in my head as I read the pages. I started getting glimpses of the depth of my brother’s insight into life and his simple, yet profound ideologies. I wondered why I had never appreciated his understanding of life when he was around. It is only now that he has gone and left me with just his diaries that I understand the man that he was. I am anxious to read Suraj’s other diaries also to know more about him as a person and the interesting incidences he encountered in his life.

  9

  Love versus Lust

  M y heart wasn’t in the office that day; I kept thinking about Suraj’s love story and how easily he had given up his love, without even trying to let Anjali know. I was more troubled by the fact that despite being his brother and living with him, I was not able to recognise this sadness in him. When I thought of my meeting today evening with Seema, whom I had called to help me in setting up the house, I automatically felt much better.

  Seema came to the house at 5 o’clock, and we decided to head to the market to shop for groceries and other things that I would require around the house. We had tea together and shopped until it was time to head home. At 7 o’clock, when we entered the house, I was overcome with my affection for Seema, and I felt that the time had come to make a move. I walked over to her with an uncontrollable level of testosterone and hugged her as best as I could. I was pleased to note that she hugged me back. But when I tried to kiss her, she immediately pushed me back.

  “What do you think you are doing?” asked Seema with an angry look on her face.

  I was surprised by this reaction of hers, and asked, “What happened? Why are you so irritated all of a sudden?”

  “You have the nerve to ask why I am irritated? Why are you behaving like a wild animal? Don’t you have any control over your lust?” she retorted.

  I tried to reason with her, “I was only trying to take our love to the next level! Not trying to behave like a wild animal!”

  She went on to say, “What kind of love is this? The least you could have done was to ask for my permission before doing something like this!”

  I was starting to get irritated too; I had been acting with best intentions at heart. “What permission are you talking about? You love me, don’t you? Then what permission do I require to show my love for you!”

  “You are blind if you think you acted out of love right now. You tried to get physical. Love isn’t just about that! It is more of a feeling shared by two people and expressed through affection, emotions, and care.”

  “Yes, but physical intimacy is also important for people who love each other. It is another way for them to bond with their significant other!” I believed I was making a valid point, but knowing Seema, she would not back down. I went on saying, “These things are widespread among our generation’s lovebirds.”

  “Where have you learnt such nonsense? Are you not aware of our country’s value system, sanskar, and morals? We should not be doing any of this before marriage!” she shouted.

  “What century are you living in, Seema? Come on! This is the new modern world. All these things are very common. These are no longer a social stigma in our country, as they used to be before. And in any case, there are a lot of precautions that can be taken to avoid unwanted pregnancies. There are many products and contraceptive pills that are easily available in every nook and corner. Today, I have even arranged these for our convenience,” I told Seema.

  But apparently, this angered her all the more.

  “How long have you been planning all this? Are you even aware that it is a basic courtesy to ask a girl before you start making such stupid plans! The least you could have done was to discuss it with me and ask me if I was ready for our relationship to take this turn. But of course, that won’t occur to you as you are concerned only about your wants and desires or in fact lust. You know, it is men like you that confirm the belief
women have about the unruly behaviour of men who think of women as an object for pleasure and that is one of the main reasons for so many crimes against women. The only thing on your mind all the time is sex. You can never understand that a relationship consists of many more layers and levels than just physical. Do you have any idea about the modesty, and dignity of a girl? The important thing you know is how to take advantage,” said Seema angrily.

  Listening to Seema’s outburst finally pushed me over the edge. I may be a forward man with contemporary thinking, but that did not make me a wrong person, and I sure as hell was not trying to take advantage of her. I told her, “If you don’t want to do it, it is fine. But don’t make me out to be a sexual predator and try to put all the blame on me as I am the guy. You should not be talking about sex as if it is a disease or a bad thing. If people in our country were so against it, we would not have the population that we do now. It is completely natural for men and women of our age to be involved in such activities particularly when the priority of career over marriage has become the norm. I apologise for not asking you before taking this step but do not make it out to be a big issue.”

  She was silent for a while. When she spoke again, her voice was calm, “I understand your point Vijay, but you also have to agree that there is a right time and place for everything. People nowadays are so accustomed to getting what they want before they are physically and psychologically ready for it. If they do not get it, they become impatient, much in the same way as you behaved a little while ago. You are right in saying that it is common for couples of our age to be physically intimate with each other because of whatever reasons, which is their choice. In my opinion, we should only indulge in these activities once we are married and settled down in our lives. As a woman, I have to be aware of these things. Unlike in western societies, our society is not such that I can do anything without bothering about the consequences. If something goes wrong, no one will blame you. They will call it my fault and raise questions about my morals.”

  “So that means, you just don’t trust me?” I asked.

  Seema said, “No Vijay, it is not a question of trust. It is a question of values, morals, sanskar, and principles that one attempts to live with throughout his or her life. There is nothing in the world that is 100 percent certain. The maximum it goes is maybe 99 percent that still leaves that chance of one percent risk. At this point in my life, I am not ready to take that chance of one percent risk.” I was trying to comprehend Seema’s ‘ninety-nine and one percent’ risk theory which is generally applied in the insurance industry but was not able to link it with this incident.

  Seema continued saying, “As much as I love you, I also understand that where there is trust there is betrayal. Most of the girls of my age get trapped in this ‘trust-betrayal net’ laid by boys. For boys, this can be momentary enjoyment, but for girls, it becomes lifelong emotional and mental trauma if things go beyond control. History bears evidence to the fact that in such matters, women are the only sufferers. We cannot speculate in advance when circumstances and situations may change our fate. You may not be able to understand how different things are for women even now, no matter how independent and empowered the society might show us to be. So, if you really want to take this relationship any further, you need to learn to be patient and take my principles into account. Please keep in mind, bodily enjoyment is not the only way through which we can maintain our relationship; before marriage, we need to endeavour to be soul mates.”

  Seema started to walk out while saying, “So if you want to continue our relationship then you need to have patience.”

  With that, she picked up her bag and walked out of the door, without a backward glance. All I could do was stand there surprised. In my heart of hearts, I knew Seema was right. Perhaps I had rushed her too much. I had not bothered to take her permission to go to the next level or in other words, I did not have this basic courtesy.

  The next three days went by, between work and settling in the police quarters. I picked up the phone on many occasions to call Seema, but at the last minute, my resolve failed. I felt I might have already broken her trust beyond repair, but still, I had to try. I called her, and after re-dialling a couple of times, she finally picked up. As soon as I heard her voice, I realised how much I had missed her and how I couldn’t afford to lose her.

  I started saying, “Seema, I cannot tell you how much I regret my behaviour that day. I realise now that I was behaving like a child who is throwing a tantrum when he doesn’t get what he wants. And everything you said was right; I should’ve consulted you, or at least asked if you were comfortable with it.”

  When she didn’t respond, I went on to say, “Look Seema, I can assure you that I will not behave in the same manner again. Please meet me, and we can talk this through. Let’s meet for coffee, and if you want, from now on, we will meet only at public places.”

  After a silence of a few seconds, Seema replied, “Alright, let’s meet at Doon Café at 6 o’clock today evening.”

  When I met Seema that evening, I could tell very clearly just how much I had hurt her. I apologised over and over again, but I could not take back what I had done. We talked for a few hours, and she agreed to give me another chance to prove myself worthy of her, for which I was glad.

  Seema advised me, “Vijay you need to understand love in its true spirit.

  The ‘attraction stage’ that is similar to seeing a rose in the garden and liking it. It is natural and can be due to biological or hormonal changes during teenage or youth.

  The next stage is ‘plucking the flower from the bush,’ that is getting physical by way of kissing each other or extreme intimacy when you are in a relationship with someone. We may feel happy for that particular moment or for a few days, but then the flower will lose its shine or freshness. So, it is not advisable in a civilised society.

  The third stage is when you ‘bring a flower pot home to care and nurture it lifelong’ and can daily see it forever, which is living a happy married life socially acceptable to all. For this step, both partners need to have a stable career.

  On the other hand, lust is a psychological force against nature and norms of the civilised society. This is similar to forcefully plucking a flower from the garden in spite of clear instructions not to do that. You get yourself involved in lustful activities against all moral values expected from a civilised person. Lust produces an intense want for an object. It can create extreme emotions to fulfil desires and can make you wild. It can lead you to cross any limits without taking care of values and ethics. Lust can represent any form such as sexuality, money or power. That is why, after greed and addiction, one of the main reasons for crime in the world is lust.”

  I assured her that she would never see that side of me again. Once I left the Doon Café and walked back home, I decided to read more of Suraj’s diary, hoping to get some sort of advice from it to learn the basics of virtues, values, and morality. I needed some relaxation after my talk with Seema, and reading Suraj’s diary could relax me.

  10

  ‘Deserve Then Reserve’

  O nly after reading Suraj’s diaries could I finally understand how lonely he was. He was an introvert by nature and did not believe in sharing his innermost feelings with anyone. Moreover, he did not have anyone to share his emotions with. It would explain why he wrote diaries rather than telling anyone. Being the youngest in the family, I was the apple of my mother’s eye, and whenever I needed anything, I would go to her and she would get my wish fulfilled through Suraj. It never occurred to me to think about what Suraj had to face, as he had to work so hard to support the entire family and put up with all our demands and desires.

  Suraj’s next diary entry was two years after the last entry.

  13th February 2015

  Now that I have been married for around three years, I finally realise just how vain and materialistic Priya really is. My affection for her has not changed, but this is one side of hers that I can never understan
d or appreciate. She spends most of her days comparing herself and our family status with the status of our neighbours, acquaintances, friends, and relatives. She expects me to fulfil every demand and desire of her heart without any question and consideration of our financial position. If she demands something from me and I am not able to deliver, she harasses me about it, until I have no choice but to give in. I have so often suggested that we can keep a full-time help and she can start working as a teacher in the nearby public school to fulfil her desires but to no avail. Her only two skills lie in comparison and expectations giving me mental trauma at least once a week.

  We both have entirely different views about life. She wants all the pleasures of life that will give her a higher social standing among neighbours, friends, and relatives, while I believe in providing the necessities but avoiding luxuries. Maybe she was raised with high standards of living, but I come from a humble background in the mountains. Everything I have was acquired through my hard work. My greatest possession in life is my family and the ability of the soul to love. She, on the other hand, needs all the comforts and luxuries of life like jewellery, car, latest smartphone, shopping every month to buy designer outfits, with matching accessories, watches, sandals, and so on.

  It is not that I do not appreciate the value of money to buy material things; I do. But I see it as a means to have financial stability, not to spend on high-end branded products sold by multinationals through advertisements and hiring celebrities to brainwash customers like Priya. I have tried to explain to her on many occasions that we have a home loan to pay off, and we are as yet not burdened with the cost of educating Ujjawal. We have to make provisions for such expenditures. But she refuses to understand. So, conflicts between my wife and me are increasing day by day. Thus is the beginning of a tense married life.