A Hundred Ways to Love

by Ellie Wade

  Why would she do this to me?

  This is my first summer with real boobs, like I-need-a-supportive-bra boobs. Gone are the trainer-bra boobs of last summer.

  I miss my trainer-bra boobs.

  I let out a frustrated sigh. I want to cry.

  Did she do this to embarrass me?

  I shake my head. Even my mom isn’t that cruel. She seemed genuinely excited when she told me she got me a new swimsuit. She said that I’d love the pattern and style. It’s no surprise that my mother doesn’t know me at all.

  I hear a man downstairs, talking to Mimi. I open my bedroom door a crack to listen and realize that it’s Liam. God, even his voice has changed. I throw on a baggy T-shirt over my suit and slip on my flip-flops before making my way downstairs.

  “You kids have fun. Wear your sunscreen, Leni,” Mimi reminds me.

  “I will,” I say before giving her a hug.

  Once we’re at the river, I take a deep breath and remove my T-shirt.

  He’s your friend. He’s not going to care that you have major boobs now. Just like you don’t care that he’s all muscly.

  I can feel Liam’s stare on me, but I pretend that I don’t. I squirt the sunscreen lotion onto my arms and rub it in.

  “Want me to get your back?” Liam asks.

  My head pops up. He is standing before me in his swim trunks. His chest is tan, and his muscles are defined. His deep brown eyes capture mine, and I can’t deny the feelings they stir within me.

  Liam has applied sunscreen to my back and shoulders every time we’ve come to the river since I was young. His question isn’t an odd one, yet it leaves me feeling really uneasy.

  “Yeah, sure,” I say.

  I pull my hair to the side as Liam rubs his lotioned hands over my skin. I know he’s done this countless times, but it feels like this is the first. Every swipe of his palms makes my heart beat faster.

  “All done,” he says cheerfully.

  I turn to face him, and I can’t deny the fact that I want him to kiss me.

  What? Where did that come from?

  I’ve never kissed anyone in my life, and I certainly don’t want to kiss Liam.

  “Are you okay?” He places his hand on my shoulder. “You seem different. What’d your parents do this time?”

  I look into his eyes, so kind, and now, I’m admitting for the first time that they’re so beautiful. My bottom lip begins to quiver as realization dawns. I like Liam. I like him.

  My eyes fill with tears, and Liam pulls me into a hug.

  “Len, what is it?”

  I allow Liam to hold me in his arms as I cry. My heart breaks as I sob in my stupid bikini with my stupid boobs and Liam’s stupid deep voice and handsome face.

  Life is so unfair. I’ve never felt like this before, but I know that this must be what falling in love feels like. I suppose I’m not surprised.

  What did I expect?

  My best friend is kind, funny, and gorgeous. Mix in the fact that he’s also a guy, and it’s a recipe for disaster. Dumb hormones. I totally realize that this is what my health teacher was talking about when she went on and on about hormones and changes and feelings.

  I don’t want anything to change.

  But everything’s changed.

  Everything is ruined.

  I can’t be Liam’s friend anymore. I can’t risk falling in love. I will never be my mother. I will never fall in love.

  I look at Liam. “I’m an artist,” I sob. “I’m leaving Texas, and I’m never coming back.”

  Liam stares at me, his eyes wide. He’s clearly at a loss for words.

  “I’m not staying here. As soon as I can leave, I’m gone. I’m not going to change myself for anyone.” I cry, years of memories of my parents’ love invading my mind, and I shudder.

  “Okay,” Liam says calmly. “It’s okay, Len. Whatever it is, it’s okay.” He rubs my back.

  “It’s not.” I shake my head and step back from him. “I can’t be your friend anymore.”

  “What?” Liam’s expression is one of complete confusion.

  “Just leave me alone, William. Don’t ever talk to me again!” I say through tears before I turn and run as fast as I can, away from the river, away from Liam, and away from my fears.

  I hear him calling my name from behind me, but I don’t stop. I’ll never stop. I have too much to lose.

  five

  Liam

  My arm is spread across the back of the couch. Camila leans back against the crook of my arm, her long, thin fingers tracing circles atop my jean clad thigh. I’m engulfed in the familiar smells, ones I’ve grown accustomed to over the past few months but never craved—those of designer perfumes, hair products, and lotions. Particularly offensive today is the man-made odor rising from the chunk of plastic plugged into the electric outlet beside me. It’s an ill attempt at flowers, I think. Maybe lavender?

  It’s assaulting to my senses and the complete opposite of what I long for.

  Some of my favorite scents are of dirt, wet with morning dew; fresh-cut hay, earthy and clean; or the mild sweetness of a young cornstalk when its leaves are still bright green and new. I’m met with these nostalgic scents on a daily basis in my line of work, and it fills me with peace, knowing that I’m doing exactly what I was always meant to.

  There’s a suppressed part of my soul that knows all of my favorite things are intertwined with recollections of her.

  Good memories. Tragic ones, too.

  I attempt to separate the two, not willing to lose the good. Every once in a while, they creep up regardless, more so lately now that she’s back and my heart is forced to feel her presence. She was so ingrained in everything. Three months a year, we were each other’s shadow, only separated when life dictated it so. The other nine months of the year, she was my best friend from afar. Many moments not dedicated to school or chores were spent corresponding with Leni through instant message or e-mail.

  She was my constant.

  Until she wasn’t.

  A chance meeting with a bubbly, green-eyed girl in a cornfield changed my life, and I’m still reeling from its effect.

  Bending down, I take a stick and draw an arrow in the earth beneath my feet. The leaves of the cornstalks on either side of me brush against my arms. The sun is straight above me, shining down brightly. It’s hot, but then it’s always hot here.

  There’s a crunch behind me, the sound of a long leaf from a stalk breaking. I slowly turn around, hoping to see a deer up close. I take a step back, startled, when I see her. She’s not scary, just unexpected.

  “Why are you drawing arrows?” she asks with a smile, her bright green eyes shining with curiosity.

  I tilt my head to the side and take her in. She’s probably about my age, maybe a little younger, with long brown braids hanging down on either side of her shoulders. She has a spattering of freckles across her nose and a smile that makes me move closer toward her.

  “How old are you?” I ask.

  “Six.”

  “I’m six, too. But I’ll be seven in a couple of weeks. What’s your name?”

  “Leni,” she answers, and for some reason, her name makes me happy.

  “I’m Liam. Where do you live?”

  She shakes her head. “I don’t live here. But I’m staying with Mimi for the summer.” She points toward the Turner farm.

  “Oh. So, Mrs. Turner is your grandma?”

  She nods, causing her braids to bounce against her skin.

  “I live over there.” I raise my arm, my finger extending in the direction of my dad’s farm.

  “What’s the arrow for?” she asks again.

  “I’m marking a path through the corn to my secret hideout, so I don’t forget how to get there.”

  “You have a secret hideout?” Her eyebrows rise along with her voice.

  “Not yet. But I will. I’m looking for the perfect spot now.”

  “I can help you. I’m really good at finding things.”


  I think about her offer, and the more I think about it, the more excited I become. The only person who lives close to us at all is Mrs. Turner. I never have anyone to play with. I only just met Leni, but I already like her.

  “Okay. I think that will be fun. We can make a hideout just for us.”

  Leni jumps up onto her tiptoes and claps, a wide smile spreading across her face, and I can’t help but smile back.

  “Hey, did you hear me?”

  I blink and look to Camila.

  “I’m sorry. What?” No, I didn’t hear her. I haven’t been able to stop the Leni-filled memories from flooding my mind since I almost hit her a few days ago.

  “You’re distracted tonight, huh? Has the ranch been crazy busy?” She leans into me and places her hand on my chest. Her candy-red lips are mere inches from mine as she whispers, “I know something we can do to relieve your stress.”

  Camila’s beautiful, no doubt. I study her features, maybe truly for the first time. As a package, she’s cover-model material. Yet, when I really start to look, I realize that I don’t know what she really looks like. Her eyelashes are fake, always long and dark. I’ve never seen her without makeup. I don’t know what type she uses, but her bright red lips will still look the same after hours of activity in her bed. She gets her nails done every other week at the salon. She never has a hair out of place. Her boobs are fake, not that I’ve ever had any complaints about them. I’d be lying if I said she wasn’t good in bed because she is. She’s amazing in bed.

  Camila kisses my neck and splays her hands across my chest. I know she’d feel so good right now, if I could just turn off my mind.

  I can’t get Leni out of my head. Every time I close my eyes, I see her. The moment I first saw her startled greens staring at me as she stood inches in front of my truck, the sensation of the air leaving my lungs, feels like it happened just moments ago. It’s fresh in my mind, and my body still craves that woman. She wasn’t wearing an ounce of makeup, and yet she was—and is—the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.

  And I’ve always seen her.

  Through every stage in Leni’s life, regardless of how many layers of protection that she’s piled on, she’s always been transparent to me. I’ve seen the way she loves, her fears, her sadness, and the way she hides.

  I’ve seen her eyes, as green as the newest grass, full of life as it grows toward the sun. I’ve seen her hair, rich chocolate and the way it shines with hints of red in the sunlight. I’ve seen her smile, her stunning smile, which could brighten up the darkest room. I have every detail of her body memorized—well, the parts I’ve seen anyway. I can close my eyes and imagine it all—her soft skin, her curves, the small freckles on her nose, her voice, her smell.

  I can see now that she’s scared and sad, though I’m not completely sure why or of what. But I want to know. I want to be the person to help her face her fears and find her joy. The idea that I should be the one to help her with these things is absurd. I’ve been so far removed from Leni and her life up north for so long. She made it clear years ago that she didn’t want me to be in her life.

  Yet I can see through that lie, too. She needs me. She believes she doesn’t, but I know different.

  I gave my heart to Eleanora Turner years ago without even realizing I had, and I’ve never gotten it back. And, despite everything—the way in which she’s treated me and her harsh words—I don’t want it back. I know that my Leni is still there, hiding behind those piercing greens. I think she’s waiting for me to find her.

  Camila’s lips tug on my earlobe as her hand moves down my pants. I wrap my hand around her wrist, halting her descent.

  “Wait.” I scoot away from her, turning so that I can look her in the eyes. “I can’t.”

  “You can’t?” She tilts her head to the side, pursing her lips. “You’re not in the mood?”

  “No, that’s not it. Well, kind of.” I stumble on my words. “I mean, you’re right; I’m not in the mood, but there’s more. I can’t do this anymore.” I move my hand back and forth between us. “Us … whatever we are. I can’t do it.”

  Camila and I have never had a label. We hang out a couple of times a week, and for the most part, we have sex. Yet I hesitate to say we’re in a real relationship because the depth isn’t there. She doesn’t spend time with my family, nor do I with hers. We don’t talk about the future or basically anything that matters.

  “You want to break up?” Her eyes go wide.

  Can two people break up if they’ve never officially gotten together?

  “I want to end things, yes.”

  “Why?” she snaps.

  “I just have a lot on my mind. It’s not fair to you. And, truthfully, I don’t really see us going anywhere.”

  She throws her head back and laughs, which throws me off guard. “You’re such a girl, Liam. I don’t see this ‘going anywhere’”—she bends her fingers in air quotes—“either, but who cares? We can still have fun. We’re really good at the having-fun part.” The corner of her lip tilts up, and she moves in closer, splaying her hand across my thigh.

  I place my hand on hers, stopping its movement upward, and stand. “I’m sorry. I have to go.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Okay. Whatever.”

  “I’ll catch ya around,” I say.

  “Whatever,” she repeats.

  I get into my truck. As I pull away from Camila’s, I feel unsettled. Now that Leni’s back at the farm, I can’t turn my mind off. I know I need to do something. I’m just not sure what. For now, I’m simply going to go on with my days as I normally would, and hopefully, the rest will fall into place.

  I don’t know why Leni’s back.

  I have no idea what she needs, but I’m hoping to help her find it.

  So much has changed since the last time I saw Leni, but the things that matter haven’t changed a bit. Underneath all the hurt, she’s still the same girl, and I’m still the same boy who fell in love with my best friend. True, I didn’t know I was falling at the time. Maybe I’ve been falling since, and maybe it’s finally time to stop.

  six

  Leni

  My back presses against the same floral upholstered sofa that’s been in this exact spot in the living room my entire life. My head against the armrest, I stare at the old ceiling. The same fine cracks in the plaster are right where I remember them, spreading out like a spiderweb.

  I’m not sure if Mimi even realizes these faint lines exist. Yet I know them well. Liam and I used to lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling, pretending the barely visible cracks were in fact a secret treasure map. We’d discuss where the paths must lead and how to get to the treasure. We’d plan and then go outside and search for our riches.

  A new line has splintered off from the most prominent one, creating an unimposing cluster of its own in the far corner of the room. In all my time of studying this map as a child, not once did a new path form. Now, I lie here, completely taken aback by the fact that new cracks have formed since I left. Sometimes, I can pretend that it’s been a matter of months since I’ve been back here. Everything’s the same. This place is like a time capsule that never changes, and there’s something comforting about that.

  Yet, when I see Mimi and the way her face has wrinkled with age and now this ceiling and the new addition to my childhood adventure map, it reminds me that it’s been five very long years. Five years of searching for myself and finding nothing. Years of distancing myself from this state and everything it stands to take away from me. It was wasted time.

  I’m no closer to finding myself than I was when I left for New York, right out of high school. I’ve spent the last five years filling my soul with everything I thought it needed to become whole, and yet I lie here, empty, nonetheless.

  “Leni love, Emily’s on her way over here to get you. Do you want to get changed?” Mimi’s words break into my self-loathing pity party.

  “What?” I ask her, as I’m sure I didn’t hear her correctly.


  “Emily’s on her way to pick you up. You ready?”

  Crap. I guess I did hear her correctly.

  “Seriously?” I ask as I sit up so fast that my head feels dizzy. “Emily Jacobs? As in the girl I haven’t seen or spoken to in years?”

  Mimi nods and smiles sweetly as if she didn’t just overstep her bounds and role as my grandmother. I’m past the point in life where I need a playdate organized on my behalf.

  I pull in air through my nose in an attempt to calm down, so I don’t yell at Mimi, which I have never done in my entire life but am dangerously close to doing at this moment.

  “No,” I say simply, shaking my head. “I’m not going.”

  “She’s about ten minutes out if you want to change,” Mimi states, ignoring my previous declaration as she wipes the kitchen table.

  “I don’t want to hang out with Emily. I haven’t seen her in years. We have nothing in common. It will be completely awkward.”

  “Well, I saw her grandmother, Mavis, at church, and she was telling me how excited Emily was to hear that you’re back in town. So, we set something up. It will be great. You need to get out of the house. It will be good for you to hang out with your old friends.”

  I scoff, “We’re not even friends, Mimi.”

  I spent a little time with Emily during the summers of my teenage years after I pushed Liam away but only because Mimi was so worried about me and the fact that I wasn’t hanging out with Liam anymore. My friendship with Emily was nothing more than a weak attempt to placate Mimi, so she wouldn’t reach out to Liam to facilitate patching things up between the two of us.

  I haven’t thought about Emily Jacobs since I left Texas.

  Mimi waves her hand through the air, dismissing my statement as if being friends has anything to do with it. “Just give it a minute, and you two will be two peas in a pod, just like you used to be.”

  “We were never even that close.” I peer toward Mimi as if she’d grown two heads, clueless ones at that.

  “So, you’re wearing your pajamas out then?” Mimi scans my attire.