A Hundred Ways to Love

by Ellie Wade

  “Well, sometimes, it helps to talk about it. Maybe, if you give voice to your pain, you can let it go.” He sets his bottle of water down and extends his arms out toward me, taking my hands in his.

  I suck in a breath at his touch. His grasp is so firm yet comforting. His skin is rough yet soothing. I look from our joined hands up to his face. I swallow and clear my throat.

  “I don’t want to talk about it,” I say again, more softly this time.

  “All right. Well, if you do, you know I’m here for you. I’m a good listener.” Liam gives me a warm smile.

  I still don’t understand why he cares so much for me, given our history, but I’m grateful that he does.

  “Okay,” I almost whisper.

  My gaze falls back down to our hands, which are still entwined together. My heart pounds rapidly within my chest as I wait for Liam to let me go. I bring my stare up to meet his.

  His grasp remains steady. With just this simple gesture, he makes me feel accepted, content, and though it causes the butterflies to take flight within my belly, I feel cherished.

  My eyes find his, and I’m lost. My heartbeats become louder within me, each one pumping out a rhythm, a frenzied beat of palpitations that are partially confused and needy.

  His penetrating stare holds me in this place where time is measured by weighted breaths and a nervous swallow, the thumping of my heart and a bite of my lip. I should pull my hand from his. I should break our gaze, but I can’t, and sweet baby Jesus … I don’t want to. He lowers his eyes to my lips before his rub together.

  I see the intent in his eyes as he leans in. I hesitate only a moment before I move forward to meet him.

  The small voice in my head tells me to stop, but I can’t. I won’t.

  He releases my hands and raises his. The skin of his palm lightly grazes my cheek before he threads his fingers through my hair. He tightens his grip against my scalp and pulls slightly before his lips find mine. I release a groan into his mouth, unable to stop it.

  His lips are soft and incredibly intoxicating as they move against my own. I raise my hands to his face and cover his cheeks and strong jaw. My body trembles with what feels like years of want for Liam Moore.

  Soft kisses become harder. My mouth opens wider, allowing Liam’s tongue to enter, moving with mine in a dance that only we could make. The kiss is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s real. It’s raw. And it’s perfect. Though I’ve kissed before, Liam’s mouth makes me realize that I’ve never truly been kissed, never like this.

  I never want it to stop. In fact, I want so much more. Liam seems to read my mind because he lowers us to the ground, his lips never leaving mine. Papers crinkle beneath my back as Liam’s strong body presses against me. I run my hands down his face and grip his arms. He’s so strong, and his perfectly sculpted muscles are so incredible; I want to drag my tongue over every single one.

  Liam keeps one hand threaded in my hair and continues to pull my face into his while his free hand trails over my body. My skin burns beneath his touch, and I want more. I want him to rip my clothes off and touch me everywhere. The need between my legs is almost unbearable, and I want to beg Liam to touch me there, but he doesn’t.

  We’ve been kissing for so long that I can barely feel my lips when he pulls away. I gasp as I pull air into my lungs. My entire body hums with desire. Liam lies beside me as we stare toward the ceiling.

  Wow, is all I can think.

  Liam Moore has skills. I’m honestly not surprised. I somehow always knew he did.

  I’m the first to speak. “That was …” I’m unable to put my reaction to the kiss into words.

  “Yeah,” Liam agrees. He turns to the side and faces me, resting his head on his propped up hand. “I think some of your piles got ruined.”

  I pout my lips before the corners rise into a grin. “It seems they did.” I dismissively wave my hand before me. “Whatever. You’re the one paying me to organize them all again.”

  “And it’s completely worth it.” Liam tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. “I have a secret to tell you.”

  I turn toward him and rest my head up on my hand, mirroring him. “What’s that?”

  Our faces are mere inches apart, and my recently slowed heart starts to increase its cadence once more.

  Liam brings his thumb up to my lips and pulls them down. He breathes in deeply. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, Leni Turner.”

  My eyes go wide, and my lungs seem to stop working because I suddenly can’t breathe. Every feeling that I experienced growing up floods my sensations now. Fear. Despair. Heartache. Disappointment. I remember what it was like to live through them all. My dad’s cruelty weighs heavily on me, and my mom’s entrapment tightens my throat with panic. I can’t breathe.

  Somewhere deep within my heart, I know Liam isn’t my dad, and I’m not my mom. But I haven’t accomplished anything that I want to. I can’t fall for Liam, and the fact is that he’s easy to fall for, to love. I’ve seen what love does to one’s dreams, one’s life; I’ve lived it. I’ve worked too hard my entire life to escape this place. I can’t afford to be weak now.

  I jump up from the floor and press my fingers to my temples.

  Crap. Crap. Crap.

  “Don’t freak out. It’s not a big deal. I just felt like telling you that after that kiss. I didn’t mean to scare you”—he gestures toward me—“or make you feel however it is that you’re feeling right now. Breathe, Leni. Your face is turning red.”

  I suck in air and hold my hand out when Liam tries to come closer to comfort me.

  “Liam,” I say sadly with a shake of my head.

  Ugh. I should’ve known. With a kiss like that, of course he has feelings for me. I’m so stupid.

  “Len, it doesn’t change anything. We can still continue as we are. We can take it slow.”

  I release a sigh. Frowning, I look into his worried brown eyes. “It changes everything, Liam. We can’t … I mean, I … it’s not like that for me. You’re not right for me. This place isn’t right for me. I’m getting out of Texas the second I can. This isn’t where I’m supposed to be.”

  I search his eyes, praying to find understanding. He has to know that something between us could never work.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you,” I say. “It was a mistake.”

  “It sure as hell didn’t feel like a mistake, Leni. I know you felt it, too. There’s something really good here.”

  He reaches out for me, and I take a step back.

  “Do you know what I felt, Liam? I felt horny. Nothing more. I can’t love you. I can’t be with you the way that you want me to. It’s never been in the cards for me, and you know it.” My voice quivers with anger—toward me, with Liam, over this whole situation.

  Truthfully, I can only be mad at myself. Regardless of whether or not I acknowledged it, I saw the emotions within Liam building. The sweetness, the grand gestures, the flirty smiles, the way he always seems to be watching me. I knew; of course I knew. And yet I let the situation get out of control. I let him freaking kiss me. Yeah, this is all on me.

  Liam stares at me, his expression pained.

  “I … I’m going to call it a day. I’ll work on this mess tomorrow.”

  He nods once, and I walk out of the office as quickly as possible. I don’t turn back around to look at him before I leave, but I don’t need to. I know the heartbreaking expression he wears without even seeing it. I know it because I saw it when I was sixteen, and it’s been haunting me ever since.

  fifteen

  Liam

  Age Seventeen

  This is a mistake. I walk toward Mrs. Turner’s house. This is a huge mistake.

  I’m trying to wrap my brain around everything I felt when I saw Leni last night at Westley’s party. She was every bit the girl I’d met in the cornfields so many years ago, but at the same time, she was nothing like her. She made it clear during our brief conversation in the barn that no
thing had changed from last year. Our lack of friendship is still the status quo, and yet I find myself walking up to her grandma’s front porch. I can’t stay away. I’ve never been able to.

  Leni hasn’t been a real friend for a few years now. Everything changed the summer of my fourteenth birthday, and I’m not entirely sure why. She says that our friendship isn’t good for her, but it doesn’t make sense. I know the kind of life that she lives during the school year, and it isn’t a pleasant one. She used to always tell me that spending her summers with me and Mrs. Turner was the only thing that saved her the other nine months. So, what’s changed?

  I pause in front of the old wooden door to the farmhouse. My inner voice tells me to leave, and I know I should listen. This isn’t going to end the way I want it to, but I can’t make my feet lead me away.

  I love Leni. I’ve loved her from the moment I met her, our connection instant. At six years old with mud covering my skin and a toothless grin, I knew that I wanted to be around her as much as possible. Our friendship was destined, our souls fated. When we were together, we were seamlessly happy—until we weren’t.

  So, I have to try—one more time. I have to try for the Leni I love, not for the purple-haired sprite that excels at breaking me with her words. I know that my best friend is under all of that anger that she holds at the surface, and I know she needs me.

  I lift my fist to the door, and I knock.

  A space that feels like an eternity passes until the door opens. She stands in front of me. A bandana is wrapped around her head, hiding her violet chunks. She’s wearing jean shorts, a tank top, and not an ounce of makeup. Her stunning greens capture my browns, and I’m frozen in this period of hope before any cutting words have been spoken. In these few seconds, I find it hard to breathe, longing for the outcome I need.

  I clear my throat, willing my words to come. “Hey.”

  She steps out into the scorching summer heat, closing the door behind her. “Hi,” she answers.

  “I know last night was … weird. I don’t know. I just thought maybe we could hang out,” I ramble.

  “I don’t know.” She shakes her head, her gaze focused toward the ground.

  “Do you want to drive into town or something? We could get some ice cream,” I offer. “Please.”

  She raises her stare to meet mine, and we stay locked in uncertainty until she finally releases a sigh.

  “Okay, let me go tell Mimi.”

  I wait anxiously for a couple of minutes for her to return. She does, and we start walking toward the truck.

  “Did you have a good time last night?” I ask.

  “Not particularly.” She shrugs.

  “Well …” I start to reply, but realizing I have nothing to say, I close my mouth.

  We get into the truck, and silence surrounds us as I pull out of Mimi’s driveway.

  I head toward town and notice Leni picking at her nails. There are remnants of black nail polish still there.

  I nod toward her hands. “Black, huh?”

  “Yeah. I attempted to anger my mom by becoming goth this past year,” she says.

  “Goth?”

  “Yep.”

  “How goth? Are we talking black clothes and lots of dark makeup?”

  I can’t imagine Leni with that style, but I’m sure she wore it well. She wears everything well.

  “Oh, yeah. As dark as I could be. You know, all black clothes, black leather bands around my wrists and neck, black nails, combat boots, and eyeliner and dark makeup for days.”

  “I’m sure it drove your parents insane.” I laugh.

  “Pretty much. My mom’s been angry for a year straight. I’m surprised she hasn’t given herself a stroke or something. Dad’s been busy. I don’t see him much anyway, and when I do, he just looks at me with an indifferent expression. I think he’s over caring, not that he ever cared anyway.”

  “Well, I’m so glad you’re here. As I told you last night, I think the purple looks good.”

  Leni scoffs but doesn’t reply.

  “Listen, Len, I know what you said last night, but I just don’t get it. I don’t understand the animosity between us. Truthfully, it doesn’t matter. It’s just so good to see you. I’ve missed you like crazy.” I open up to her despite my better judgment. Yet the only way I know how to be with Leni is honest.

  She was my confidant for so long; it’s impossible for me to hide my feelings from her, and I don’t want to. I want our friendship back. I want my Leni back. The one who had a way of making every summer break nothing short of magical. The one who would talk my ear off. The one who would make me laugh until I had tears streaming down my face. My best friend. My Leni girl.

  Leni steals a look in my direction, and I see the longing in her eyes. She misses me, too. Her wistful expression is present for only a second before it falls, leaving a grimace in its wake. The atmosphere within the truck cab changes instantly.

  “Take me back,” Leni demands, her voice cold and firm.

  “Leni,” I reply soothingly.

  “Now, William! Take me back.”

  After a quick look in my mirrors, I brake and turn the steering wheel, doing a U-turn in the road. Leni holds on to the dash as the tires squeal against the pavement.

  I squeeze the steering wheel until my hands hurt. I’ve never been an angry person, but Leni makes me so furious that I just want to punch something. I only have a few minutes with her before we’re back at her grandma’s farm, and I have a sick feeling that these few fleeting moments are the last I’ll have with her this summer. We’re right back to where we were last year, and I’m just as confused.

  “What in the hell is wrong? I don’t get it,” I yell.

  Leni clamps her lips closed and looks out the window, set on ignoring me.

  “No, I want answers. This isn’t fair,” I huff out.

  “Life isn’t fair, William. Get over it.”

  “I deserve to know why our friendship has resorted to this. Damn it, Leni. I haven’t done anything wrong, yet you treat me like shit. I want to know why.” My grasp on the steering wheel is so tight that my hands have started to go numb. I spread out my fingers on each hand, allowing the blood to flow again.

  We pull into her grandma’s drive, and she reaches for the door handle.

  I grab her hand. “Stop. Before you go stomping away, I want to know what’s going on. I deserve to know.”

  My stare catches hers and holds her there. I see the pain and regret in her eyes, but those feelings don’t translate to her words.

  “We’re not friends. We haven’t been for a long time. There’s nothing to say, except that you need to get over it.”

  “Leni—” I begin.

  “No! You’re not listening to me. I don’t want any sort of relationship with you. I can’t. Why won’t you accept that?” Her shrill voice shakes.

  “It doesn’t add up,” I tell her.

  She shrugs. “It doesn’t matter. It has to be this way. Let it go. Let me go. You have your friends. You have Bella. You don’t need me. Stop forcing something that isn’t there.”

  “Is this about Bella? She and I aren’t—”

  Leni cuts me off, “This isn’t about Bella or anyone else you make out with. This is about me and what I need. You’re not good for me, Liam. I can’t.” She shakes her head, and remorse covers her face.

  Her eyes well with unshed tears, and I want to pull her into a hug, but I don’t.

  I shake my head. “I can’t keep trying,” I softly tell her.

  “Then, don’t,” she whispers.

  Her words, full of conviction, slice me open, leaving a gash so deep that I know it will never fully heal. There are so many things I want to say, but the words don’t come. I know, in this moment, that this is it. This will be my last few seconds with Leni.

  I know we’re meant to be friends. I see it in her eyes, just as I feel it in my heart. I want to tell her again that she’s wrong. I want to beg her to reason. I want to do and sa
y so many things, but I can’t.

  I’m done.

  I’ve tried so many times. I’ve ignored her words, listening only to my heart, but as much as I want Leni in my life, I can’t force her to want me.

  All I can do is watch as she jumps down from the truck and slams the door. My heart breaks as she walks off toward the house. I pray for a backward glance, any indication that she regrets the last few moments, but none comes. She walks away from me with purpose.

  Right now, there’s an eerie vacancy within my chest, a hole that I’d give anything to fill. I know that it will never again be filled with Leni. And it just fucking sucks.

  sixteen

  Leni

  Age Sixteen

  As soon as Mimi’s front door closes behind me, the tears start to fall, hard and fast. I choke on air as I pull it into my lungs. I replay everything I just said to Liam, and I feel nauseous. I’m a dreadful person. Truly, I am.

  I’m selfish and cruel. I know my words hurt him so deeply that he won’t be back, probably ever. It was intentional, too. I hate this version of myself, the one who pushes away my only real friend. Truthfully, I hate every aspect of my life—except Mimi. I could never hate Mimi. Yet everything else is utter shit.

  I just have to make it two more years, and then I can leave Texas forever and never come back. I’m so sad and alone. My chest aches all the time with excruciating pain that never leaves me. I don’t know who I am anymore or who I’m meant to be. I do recognize the unhappiness that follows me everywhere I go. I’m certain the answers I need aren’t here. Self-discovery isn’t going to be found in the stuffy walls of my parents’ home or in the comfy walls of Mimi’s. They’re not going to be found in Texas.

  I’m not sure who I am, but I’m certain, with crystal-clear clarity, who I’m not. I’m not my mother. I’m not a rich and proper debutante. I’m not someone who is going to sacrifice all her happiness for someone else. I’m not someone who is going to fall in love with Liam and be trapped here forever. As much as my heart wants to love him, my mind and will are much stronger.