Not My Heart to Break (Merciless World Book 3)

by W. Winters

  As quietly as I can, I lower my hand to my side, my teeth grinding against one another when I feel the soaked shirt. My breath is stolen from me at the small movement. How did I run? How did I run through this shit?

  More importantly, how much blood did I lose?

  My head rests against the tree and I blink away the memory of getting shot. I can barely breathe, I can barely stay up straight, exhaustion pulls me down and whispers that I should give in. I should let go. I reach in my pocket, but my phone’s gone.

  Fuck. Fuck! I can’t die like this.

  I need to go. I need to tell Jase what happened. They have to save Laura. The cops were there. She needs help and protection. I need to know what’s happening.

  Crack. Snap.

  Branches break behind me. Thin ones and my eyes focus straight ahead as my back stiffens. The rust-colored leaves are eerily beautiful as I overhear the horrid words from one end of a conversation.

  “If we don’t get him, we can get her.”

  Steven Davis.

  Her. Laura. Each realization is like dominoes falling.

  My instinct is to react and with the small movement up, my body revolts. The need to vomit is strong from the sharp gutting pain. I hate myself. I hate being weak. He’s threatening Laura. He will suffer a slow and painful death. But first, he’ll give me three other names. The slight satisfaction is immediately drowned out by fear at hearing more of his one-sided conversation. I strain to hear the voice on the other side of the phone, but it’s impossible.

  “Yeah, she’s in custody,” he says. “Make sure they don’t let her out and plant someone in the cell with her.” My blood runs cold, freezing every inch of me down to the marrow of my bones.

  “Make it clean, she doesn’t need to suffer.”

  No. No, they can’t hurt her. She didn’t do anything. My body begs me to plead with the man. I’ve never begged for anything but I can’t fight him, I have nothing left.

  Thump. My heart pounds and my gaze shifts to the ground.

  There’s a set of stones on the edge of the hill. A path of them. It’s a foot long, maybe longer and the rocks are strategically placed. They follow along the side of the steep hill, as if it leads somewhere. Hopefully, somewhere with a phone.

  I have to save Laura. It’s the only thing that matters.

  The man breathes heavily, gasping for air behind me and I stare at the closest stone, imagining grabbing it and slamming it into the back of the man’s head. It’d be heavy enough. Could I do it fast enough, though? If I can’t, there will be no one to tell Jase. No one will know she’s there, no one will know they’re going to kill her. She has to live. I have to save her.

  My right side screams in pain and I nearly pass out from my first attempt to stand.

  Fuck. Fuck!

  I hold my breath, waiting for the prick to get out of earshot before I crawl and climb my way down the path.

  I can’t die until I know she’s okay. Wherever this path leads will have a phone. I just need to get to Laura before they can. I breathe a silent vow to save her. I’ll kill them all before they lay a finger on her.

  The promises I make silently to her are the only thing that keeps me going.

  Laura

  I keep finding my hand pressed against my shirt as if I can calm down my freaked-out heart. All the while, my body rocks steadily on the metal bench. It’s fine.

  I’m fine. My arrhythmia has never really been an issue. It’s just a butterfly feeling in my chest.

  The first time I remember this feeling, the sporadic fluttering in my chest, was when I stood in the doorway of my grandma’s house, lying to Seth. I remember it so clearly. I even held my shirt the way I am now.

  The memory makes me smile; it’s a welcome distraction.

  The door creaked open and I stood there in my thin pajamas as the wind shook through the house. I folded my arms over my chest because I wasn’t wearing a bra, and although I knew that when I opened the door, I hadn’t anticipated the cold. The wind blew by though, forcing the door to open wider and I struggled to keep myself covered while still keeping a handle on the door.

  “Why aren’t you dressed?” Seth’s eyes roamed down my body leisurely. It may have been cold that day, but he made me feel hot from head to toe. Ever since we’d had sex, with one look he turned my knees weak.

  I wasn’t his girlfriend though and I couldn’t keep going like that. He didn’t want anything more from me and I was convinced I was only going to get my heart broken. At the thought, my heart did an odd thing. I opened my lips to lie to him, but my heart protested.

  I gripped it, telling it to shut up and calm down. That was the first time I remember feeling my heart acting up.

  “You all right?” he asked.

  “I’m sick,” I said and the lie came out tight. I just need to be away from him right now. I need a chance to think. Because when I’m around him, I can’t think right.

  He stood there in jeans and a leather jacket, a jacket he’d put around my shoulders a week ago. I don’t know how I could have lied to him back then so easily, especially with the way he made me feel. “I’m not going to school today.”

  He nodded, a short nod, and asked if he could do anything for me. Even as I shook my head he kept asking, “No homework to turn in?”

  It physically hurt to lie to him, but I didn’t want him to keep walking me to and from school. I didn’t want him to feel obligated to do anything at all with me. My heart was all sorts of tangled up in his touch and the way he cared for me... it wasn’t right. He never made a single move; I did it all. I knew what that meant. That’s not how love happens. I could easily see a new woman walking by, catching his eye, and then I’d be gone.

  When I shut the door, I hated myself. I spent the next twenty minutes doing what I’d done all morning, figuring out how to get the hell out of Tremont. I didn’t have much money and I didn’t have any family outside of this town, but I knew Grandma would let me if I found a way.

  That’s what I was doing when the knock sounded at my door. My jaw dropped when I looked through the peephole.

  There Seth stood, with a plastic bag from the corner store a few blocks down. I couldn’t unlock and open the door fast enough.

  “What are you doing here?” I questioned him as if he was crazy and it only made him smirk.

  He lifted the bag and said, “I got you soup and a few other things.” I didn’t offer for him to come in, but he did anyway, like he belonged there. As if he was supposed to be there in that moment, taking care of me.

  The little pitter-patter in my chest lifted, trying to stop any words of protest I had from coming out.

  “Sorry you’re sick, Babygirl, but I hope you like chicken noodle soup.” As I stood there, my back falling against the door, I watched him make his way to my kitchen, fully prepared to take care of me. I knew in that moment, I was utterly and completely in love. I was certain there was no way I could ever run from him. I knew I should. I knew it with everything in me.

  The butterfly feeling hits me again, only this time it’s harder and much worse than it was before. I don’t remember it ever feeling like this, so painful that I can’t ignore it.

  It’s probably just from the lack of sleep and stress. There’s nothing here to distract me either; I’m focusing too much on it. The squeezing sensation and irregular, weak beats are okay. I’m sure it’s fine. Why didn’t I take my medicine?

  Panic attacks are not uncommon and I sure as hell have a reason to dissolve into one. Seth was shot and I don’t know if he’s dead or alive. That’s my first thought. My first reason. As if being charged with the murder of a cop isn’t reason enough.

  I would give anything for Bethany to be here right now. I could tell her everything and she’d make sure that Seth was all right and he knew. My one phone call went to her voicemail though. It’s ludicrous that every situation keeps getting worse and worse.

  A whimper leaves me, a pathetic sound as I hunch over, pressing
against my chest even harder when the next pain hits.

  I tell myself it’s fine again and open my eyes to see a stainless steel toilet with no lid across the small cell from me. That’s the only other object in this room. A metal bench and a toilet. Simple enough I suppose. At least it’s not cold in here. There’s a man at the end of the hall, so at least one other person is around and the lights are dim, probably because it’s early morning or very late at night. I don’t know either way, because there’s no clock and the man doesn’t speak.

  I thought he’d gone for the longest time until I heard that horribly loud beep that goes off before the heavy doors open. He came from nowhere, his boots shuffling across the cement to open the doors, tell someone something lowly, I couldn’t hear a thing, and then they shut again. He walked back to his post and silently stayed there.

  The dark blues of his uniform complement his brown skin and light blue eyes. He must be mixed race, with one parent white and one black maybe, to have features like that. Cleanly shaved, he’s handsome because of the sharpness of his masculine jaw. Any other day, I’d smile at him, make small talk. But the attractive police officer is not my friend. Not in the least.

  He’s the only company I have. I could tell him about being on the verge of a panic attack but the idea of him ignoring me, or not doing anything at all hurts more, making my heart thump wildly in protest. I’m not a criminal, yet I’m here. In a fucking holding cell.

  The jail cells are nicer. I’ve been back here more than a few times for patients. I’ve hated that oppressive beep of the locked doors since the first time they made me shudder. I hate the sound even more now.

  The jail is not unfamiliar with psychiatric patients. Oftentimes, a mental illness goes unidentified until a patient has done something worthy of being locked up. Behind bars they can’t hide their symptoms and it’s so much easier to see and identify.

  So I’ve been here before, accompanying a doctor to diagnose or treat someone. It was never a good feeling. The sound of the doors opening and closing gave me nightmares the first time I came here.

  I thought it was because of my family history, my father being a drug dealer and all, that I had such an aversion to jails. That’s ridiculous though, no one likes a jail. No one likes the reason a jail needs to exist and they certainly don’t want to be inside of one.

  Sure as hell not behind these bars. Not alone in this cell, apart from the silent guard who I can’t even see because he stands at the far end, tucked away.

  The last patient I saw here died in her cell. She wasn’t in the holding area; she’d been in jail a while for assault, I think. The cells are past this hall and through two sets of doors. I remember it well. She didn’t tell anyone she was seeing things. She didn’t tell them about the voices. It took another inmate being scared shitless for the guards to be informed.

  The voices in my patient’s head told her to hurt herself, which they’d done before. She told me about them in therapy. She went from thinking the pills caused the voices, to knowing she needed the pills to shut them out.

  Maybe she was lonely in that cell. Maybe that’s why she didn’t say anything.

  Either way, when I got to her cell, we were all too late. I can still see her wide eyes, staring blankly ahead when the orderly rolled her over. Death has a certain look to it. It stains your memory and waits there, refusing to leave you be.

  “I’m on medication,” I say, finally giving in to the sudden fear and the nurse in me, calling out to the man I know is here even if he’s silent and out of view. I have to shake away the memory of that woman. I don’t remember her name and somehow that makes me feel even worse. “I think I need my medication,” I call out. My words run ragged as the pain gets worse.

  I can’t die in here from a heart condition because of my pride or shame. I can’t die in here at all. I need to know Seth’s all right.

  Just breathe. Everything’s all right. He’ll be all right.

  The hall is quiet behind the bars and I haven’t seen a soul in a few hours, I think. So when the guard doesn’t respond right away, I start thinking he’s actually left this time. I have no idea how much time has passed. I couldn’t sleep, not even with the blanket they left in here. I can’t do anything but blink away horrible visions, go over every regret, and notice how erratic my heart is right now.

  “Please!” I cry out and I’m immediately met with the sound of a heavy door creaking open and even heavier boots smacking against the cement.

  The guard. I finally catch sight of his badge and it says Walters. He’s accompanied by another man who looks like he’s in his fifties and is a little too round to work in the field. He stops behind the bars, so I can’t see his name tag. Walters is quick to speak into a walkie-talkie on his sleeve while the other man stares at me. His wide eyes are the same shade of brown as his khaki pants. “Miss?” he questions. “Did you say medication?”

  His brow is pinched and concern is etched there. It’s only then that I realize I haven’t stopped rocking and my hand is a fist around the fabric at the front of my shirt.

  “What’s going on?” I recognize Walsh’s voice along with the door beeping and opening again. The pain is unforgiving as I catch sight of Walters’s back as he speaks to Walsh. Again, the other man just stares at me, maybe bewildered, maybe wondering if I’m acting.

  A cold sweat breaks out along my skin and my head feels faint.

  “Walsh.” His name comes out stronger than I thought I could say it. I force myself to let go of my shirt and stare down the long hall until the officer finally looks at me. The gaze from Walters burns into me. He never takes his eyes off me. Even when he gives a command to the unnamed guard who then departs, Walters’s steely blues stay pinned on me.

  “Are you going to let me go?” I manage to squeeze out the question the moment Walsh comes over to me. “I need to get out of here.”

  The pain in my chest spreads and it feels like it’s in my throat, hollowing it out but also burrowing inside of it. I can’t describe it. I’ve never felt this before. My hand drops as I sway forward slightly, closing my eyes and focusing.

  “I need to get out of here,” I say again, louder and with enough forlorn sincerity to make sure Walsh both heard me and knows something’s wrong.

  “That isn’t going to happen,” Walsh says and he sounds resigned to the fact. “The state is pressing charges.”

  My heart skids to a halt. No longer tumbling uncontrollably, it simply stops and I sit there, shocked and waiting. Waiting for it to start again.

  “I wanted to release you.” Thud, my heart’s weak but it’s working. “I told them to watch where you go if we released you.”

  “So nice of you,” I whisper because that’s all I can manage. It hurts to talk. My chest is so tight. I’m fighting to breathe but trying to look strong.

  What did he say?

  I can’t even focus. Officer Walsh said something. He’s fuzzy. The room is so hazy.

  “Open it up!” he screams, his grip tight on the bars across from me. “Who did she talk to?” he questions the silent Walters.

  “No one, I swear. No one saw her! This doesn’t make sense.” Whether he’s my friend or my foe, Walters’s eyes flash with fear. I see it. I’m sure of it. At least he doesn’t want me to die. It’s a minor consolation as needles dance on my skin.

  Their voices blend and blur. I’m upright one moment, then in the next I’m falling. Walsh grabs me, his fingers in a bruising hold. I can’t breathe, but I can’t move either. I can’t swallow.

  I’m blinking though. I can blink for a moment.

  “You aren’t getting out of this, Laura.” Walsh uses my first name but it’s shaky. My lips twitch in an effort to respond. Nothing comes out though. Still, I can blink. Even as I get colder and fear wraps itself around me. “Not this way,” he adds as he shakes his head.

  “Medic!” Cody Walsh screams. His skin reddens, panic overriding every other expression. “Medic,” he screams out again be
hind him, laying me down on the hard cement floor.

  His hands push against my chest, and then his mouth is on mine. It takes me a long moment to realize it’s CPR. I can’t breathe. I’m not breathing.

  “Is there a pulse?” a new voice says. I barely hear it as my vision turns black.

  My hearing is the last sense to go. “I’m losing her!”

  Seth

  A thick coat of dirt and blood covers my hands. That’s why the knob slips at first. I tell myself that’s why it slips and not because I’m on death’s doorstep.

  The rusted metal turns in my hand on the second try and even that small movement sends a bolt of pain through my right side. Still on my knees, I lean against the doorframe as the backdoor to the worn, wood-paneled lodge creaks open. Someone built a house back here. The three windows in front were the only light in the darkness on this side of the forest. I could barely see it in the woods but as I came closer, I knew there was someone here. The red paint is long worn off and the back porch is barely stable, but at the very least, the lights are on.

  It has to be hours since I’ve been shot. Hours of losing blood. Hours of fighting to stay alive. All I can hear is the rush of my breath as I sneak into the backdoor of the house.

  The last thing I need is to get caught, or to unknowingly walk into the enemy’s territory. I don’t know shit about who lives here or how far I’ve traveled. It feels like miles and miles.

  I swallow thickly, forcing myself to stand up and lean against the wall. I’m quiet enough, but the dirt comes with me, serving as evidence of my arrival.

  The creak of the door is muted in the kitchen. The old linoleum floors haven’t been swept in a long damn time. It takes three steps for me to close the distance to the counter and reach for a neatly folded dishrag. The kitchen is darker than I was expecting, faintly lit by a single light from the room beside it, most likely the living room since a dining room can be seen to my left.