Out of the Shallows

by Samantha Young

  My dad threw him a disgusted look but turned and headed back upstairs toward the apartment.

  There was a great deal of pounding going on in my chest as Jake and I followed.

  Dad stood in the middle of the kitchen. His dark hair, speckled with gray, was mussed, and he had day-old bristle on his cheeks. He looked exhausted.

  “Your roommate left,” Dad’s voice rumbled. “We’ll have privacy to talk as soon as he leaves.”

  I braced for the battle to come, the nerves suddenly disappearing as indignation moved through me. Dad was the one intruding on our lives. He’d flown clear across an ocean to have this out without even telling me, after having shut me out for days.

  I was not a child.

  “Jake stays.”

  Dad opened his mouth to argue and I held up a hand to stop him.

  “Jake stays,” I insisted.

  Jake was treated to a look that would fell a mountain lion. “Fine,” Dad snapped.

  “Can I get you anything?” I gestured to the kitchen.

  “Coffee.”

  “Jake?”

  Jake gave me a small smile but shook his head.

  I brushed past my dad to prepare his coffee. “I can’t believe you flew all the way over here. I take it Mom knows.”

  “Of course she knows. I had to dip into our savings.”

  “You didn’t have to do anything.”

  “My daughter is in the middle of making two momentous decisions in her life and she wasn’t even in the same country as I was. Of course I needed to do this.”

  “If you’re here to talk, Dad, then we’ll talk. But if you’re here to tell me what a giant mistake I’m making without hearing me out, then you might as well leave now.” I shot him a look. “Which would be crap because I haven’t seen you in two months.”

  Dad’s eyes softened. “Can I get a hug?”

  I nodded, suddenly feeling like a little girl, trying not to cry. Abandoning the coffee, I strode over to him and sank into his tight embrace. No one gave good hug like Jim Redford.

  He held on to me longer than usual and I let him because I knew there was a possibility we were about to have a huge falling-out.

  When I pulled back, I shot a look over his shoulder at Jake. His eyes were downcast.

  “Jake,” I whispered his name without even meaning to, drawing his gaze to me and causing Dad to pull away.

  Dad looked at Jake. “You’re not what I want for her. She’s strong and she’s brave. She deserves to be with a man equal to that.”

  “Dad—”

  “No, Charley, don’t.” Jake cut me off. When he looked into my dad’s face, his expression was unbending and resolute. “I admit I wasn’t that for her when we were younger. But I’m not that guy anymore, Mr. Redford. I don’t like that guy any more than you do, and I’ve not just promised Charley that he’s gone for good, I’ve promised myself.”

  “That’s just talk, Jake. I’m only interested in actions.”

  Instantly defensive, I stomped back to the coffee. “What do you want him to do? Don a mask and fight crime?”

  “Can we do this without your usual smart-ass commentary?” Dad glared at me.

  “Nope.” I shoved a mug at him. “Somewhere you and Mom have lost sight of who I am. Just because my parents have decided to rewrite my whole personality doesn’t mean that the rewrites are going to stick.”

  “This is nuts.” Dad shook his head, his tone calm despite his words. “You can’t throw away law school for a job that’s dangerous and underpaid. And you can’t erase the months of shit you went through trying to get over him.”

  “Let me ask you a question, Dad.” I leaned back against the counter. “Did you honestly think talking to me in person was going to… what… convince me to think your way?”

  “No, I came here to see what it is that’s going on in your life that would suddenly cause you to make these massive decisions, decisions that impact your entire future. It’s not just about me worrying about you and Jake; it’s me completely exasperated by your attitude toward your sister and this notion of you becoming a cop. Your recent actions and decisions ring with immaturity and frankly, Charley, that was something I never thought I could accuse you of.”

  “That’s because she’s not,” Jake argued.

  Dad ignored him. “You’ve got this childish, naïve, rose-colored view that being a cop is a great thing—you wear a uniform people will respect, you save lives, fight crime. And that makes life worth it—”

  “Bullshit,” Jake uttered quietly, his features taut with anger.

  “Jake…” I moved toward him but Dad reached out an arm to stop me.

  “No,” Dad said. “I’d love to hear this.”

  “How dare you stand there and condescend to her,” Jake continued, calm, despite the flints of anger in his eyes. “You might think Charley taking me back is a bad idea, but stop letting that color every single thing you know about her. You know her. How can you say she’s living in some fantasy world about being a cop? Do you want to know the real reason she wants to be a cop? Because it’s who she is. She can’t stand by and watch people suffer. She can’t witness something wrong and not want to do something to make it right. What about your nephew—Ethan? Murdered and no one was brought to justice. She knows being a cop isn’t easy, she even knows it can be thankless, but she still wants to do it. For her—for Ethan and all the people like him.”

  I couldn’t even find the words to describe how grateful I was. Jake had said all I’d been trying to say for years. I’d failed to find the words to explain it to my parents, but Jake knew me so well, he’d succeeded where I hadn’t.

  Dad looked stunned. Slowly, he turned to me. “This is about Ethan? You never told me that.”

  “You never wanted to hear it.”

  Processing, Dad sipped his coffee. He looked at me over the rim of the mug and lowered it to ask, “Since when do you let Jake fight your battles?”

  Grinning, my eyes met Jake’s. “I never asked him to. But I’ve got to say, it’s nice to have him on my side.”

  Jake smiled back at me and I felt our connection strengthen for the first time since we’d started dating again.

  “Alex certainly would never have faced off with me,” Dad mused, watching Jake carefully. I tensed at the mention of Alex.

  Jake frowned. “What?”

  Dad’s gaze switched between us, noting the sudden tension. “You haven’t told him yet?” he asked me.

  I narrowed my eyes. “Are you deliberately being a troublemaker?”

  “Alex?” Jake said.

  That was so not a conversation I could have with him right then. “Jake, I promise we’ll talk about it but right now, I’m taking my crazy father to lunch.”

  There was uncertainty on his face, but Jake nodded. “Call me.”

  “Just as soon as I’ve convinced this person who looks like my dad but doesn’t act like him that I’m a grown-up and I can make my own choices, I’ll come over to see you.”

  Dad snorted. I ignored him.

  Sitting across from my dad in my favorite Tex-Mex restaurant, I shook my head. “I still can’t believe you spent all that money to come here and lecture me.”

  “It wasn’t about lecturing you, Charley.” Dad leaned back in his seat, his expression grave. “It was about being a parent who’s worried about his kid and not being able to think about anything else until I saw for myself she was okay.”

  Tears burned the back of my eyes. “Dad,” I mumbled, blinking rapidly.

  “I still don’t like Jake, but I’ve got to admit, I like everything he said in that apartment. I like how he sees you.” His face darkened. “But that doesn’t mean I accept him as part of your life. Just because the boy is good with words doesn’t change his past actions.”

  “Dad…” I tried to gather my patience. “Please, just give him a chance.”

  “I can’t promise that.” He shook his head stubbornly. “I’m just here to see my kid and try
to convince her to do the right thing. Starting with calling Andie and apologizing.”

  “I can’t promise that.” I threw his words back at him. “I don’t think I should be the one apologizing.”

  Dad sighed. “And this from someone who wants me to treat her as an adult.”

  I closed my eyes, feeling my patience slipping. “Let’s just eat dinner,” I muttered. Seemed neither of us was willing to compromise. I’d just have to hope for some kind of miracle to happen while he was in Edinburgh. A miracle that would finally show Jake in a favorable light and bring my family on board with our relationship.

  I wasn’t holding my breath.

  No matter how much I was willing myself to be unaffected, to be calm, I wasn’t. Bolstering my courage, I threw back my shoulders and prepared to reenter the common room where Jake had some redheaded sophomore hanging all over him.

  Instead of facing Jake, however, I walked smack bang into a hard chest.

  “There she is.” Beck wrapped his arms around me and I hugged him back. I felt his lips brush my ear. “Can you please talk to your best friend?”

  I pulled back, frowning. “Hi, Beck, it’s good to see you too, after six months, since the last time didn’t really count.”

  He blanched. “Sorry. It’s good to see you. It really is. I’m just a little distracted at the moment.” He glanced to his left, where Claudia stood laughing with Denver, Matt, and a couple of guys I didn’t recognize. “She won’t even look at me.”

  “Whatever you do, don’t start flirting with another girl.”

  It was his turn to frown. “Wasn’t planning on it. Any other suggestions?”

  I felt Lowe’s hand at my back. “Don’t put Charley in the middle, Beck. The middle is a fucked-up place to be.”

  “I’m not. I’m just running out of ideas.”

  Honestly, it was frustrating watching two people who were supposed to be together mess it up so royally. I had a hard time keeping my nose out of it. But my nose tried.

  Beck searched my face as I stared back at him, steadfast in my stoicism. His eyes narrowed. “Is she really dating someone?”

  I shrugged.

  “Charley. Please.”

  “Yes.”

  A pained look crossed his gorgeous face. “Is it serious?”

  “She doesn’t talk about it.”

  “What does that mean exactly?”

  I shot a look Claudia’s way to make sure she wasn’t aware I was talking to Beck and about to betray the girl code. “It means when you see her on her own, stop her and make her listen.”

  “Just stop her and make her listen? I don’t know if you remember but last time that happened, I got verbally bitch-slapped in public.”

  “Yeah.” I smiled, remembering it. “But you also made your point and you got to her. She can’t not listen if you’re constantly there trying to talk to her.”

  “Valid point,” Lowe added.

  Beck smirked at us both, his eyes softening when they met mine. “Thanks, Charley.”

  “Just don’t tell her we had this conversation.”

  “Secret to the grave.”

  Just like that he disappeared stealthily into the crowds like a love ninja.

  Despite my own situation, I couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m finding this side of Beck incredibly endearing.”

  Lowe snorted, guiding me farther into the room. “You don’t have to live with him.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “I love Claudia, I do, she’s a great girl, but brooding Beck is a pain in my ass. We already had Jake to put up with. Now there are two.”

  “Did I hear my name?”

  My shoulders tensed at the sound of Jake’s voice. My whole body tensed when I turned to find him standing before me. There was no redhead now, but the specter of her remained.

  Lowe’s fingers flexed on my lower back and I had to admit it was easier to deal with this crapshoot of a situation with him supporting me.

  “Hey.” Jake said. “It’s good to see you.”

  “Let’s find more beer.” I ignored him, turning my whole body into Lowe. “I definitely need more.”

  He shot Jake an unreadable look out of the corner of his eye. “Sure,” he said and we moved through the crowd, away from my ex and his stunned, hurt expression.

  Over the subsequent hour or so, I had a couple more beers, chatted with Matt and Denver, watched Beck stare broodingly at Claudia, witnessed Claudia bestow a beyond murderous look his way when he intercepted a cute guy trying to give her a drink, and then I started dancing with a strange guy. His name was Toby or Tony or Troy or something and he liked my hair.

  Something he told me a number of times before I said yes to a dance.

  All I really wanted was to forget everything. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was aware of Jake every single minute of the evening. Jake was popular and every time I turned around, he was hanging out with someone new. We didn’t make eye contact once.

  It was like we were complete strangers.

  I was barely even aware of the fact that a slow song had come on, or that I was dancing in Toby/Tony/Troy’s arms when I heard Lowe say in voice that brooked no argument, “I’m cutting in.”

  Toby/Tony/Troy was forcefully removed from my vicinity and suddenly I was dancing with Lowe, except he’d pressed me back so I wasn’t smooshed up to him like I had been with my previous partner.

  “Problem, officer?”

  He laughed and shook his head at me. “Can you not be cute right now?”

  The smirk died from my lips at his comment. Jake sometimes said that to me when I used humor as a deflection. If Lowe noticed the change in me, he didn’t say so.

  “Why are you dancing with that guy, Charley? That’s not you.”

  “Uh, do you not remember Halloween last year?”

  He blinked. “Jesus, we’ve known each other a year. How did that happen?”

  “I imagine it had something to do with the world turning for almost 365 days.”

  Lowe’s lips twitched. “You really are a smart-ass.”

  I saluted him. “Top of my class.”

  “I’m being serious.” He gave me a little shake. “I don’t want you doing anything stupid because Jake hurt you tonight.”

  “Hurt?” I said, suffusing just the right amount of boredom into my tone. “I’m not hurt anymore, Lowe. I feel better. Any doubts I had… poof!” I gestured an explosion with my hand. “I’ve been replaced.” I shrugged. Beer did help with convincing deception. “That means we weren’t meant to be. I was right in the first place. Makes moving on now very easy to do.”

  I was too busy congratulating myself on sounding like I meant it to notice Lowe was now searching the room with an anxious expression on his face.

  A couple of beers later I wandered through the main rec room and away from Denver, Matt, and a bunch of people I didn’t know. I searched the room as I left, not seeing Jake, Lowe, Beck, or Claudia. I frowned. Only a few minutes ago I’d seen Lowe practically making out with some brunette in the corner, and Claudia had been flirting with a random guy as Beck watched on, seething.

  I wondered where they’d all disappeared.

  “Hey…” I stopped a girl wearing a Northwestern hoodie. “Nearest bathroom?”

  “Down the hall to your left. Third door down, I think.”

  I thanked her and walked out into the corridor, thinking after I’d used the restroom it might be time to grab Claudia and get out of there. Bemoaning the disastrous decision we’d made to come here, I wasn’t really paying attention to the fact that the third door down didn’t have signage on it.

  I thrust the door open and froze at the scene in front of me.

  I was in a dorm room, a dorm room in which Beck had a girl pressed up against the wall, kissing her with a passionate intensity that actually made my cheeks heat. It took me a second to recognize the girl, and I must’ve made some kind of strangled noise because it broke the scene up.

  Claudia pus
hed Beck away, her eyes bright, her tan complexion tinged with a flush.

  Stunned by this development, I stammered out an apology for interrupting.

  My best friend shook her head frantically. “You’re not interrupting anything.” She brushed past Beck who grabbed her wrist to stall her. Claudia tugged out of his hold, glowering at him. His eyes narrowed and he turned away, staring at the wall, the muscle in his jaw flexing.

  Claudia gave me a look that screamed, “Don’t you dare ask,” and rushed out the door behind me.

  Well, this was uncomfortable.

  I watched Beck as he blew out air between his lips and hung his head.

  Sympathy opened my mouth. “Beck.”

  He looked at me over his shoulder, appearing so disheartened I actually forgot my own woes for a moment.

  “Be patient,” I told him. “Keep doing what you’re doing. Claudia just needs to know that she can piss you off, try your patience and drive you a little crazy, and you’ll still be there at the end of the day.”

  Something in his eyes flickered, something a little like hope. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  His face darkened. “But the TA?”

  “She’s not in love with him.” I shrugged and took a step toward the door. “Why do you think she’s so scared of you?”

  “You shouldn’t really be telling me this stuff, should you?”

  “No. If Claudia finds out, I’m on her shit list, so I’m taking a risk.”

  Beck laughed softly. “Well, I appreciate it.”

  I smiled back at him and turned around to resume my search for the bathroom, still a little stunned. I shouldn’t have been surprised to walk in on Claudia and Beck making out, and I guess I wasn’t. The truth was it wasn’t the fact that they’d kissed that had me reeling—it was the kiss itself. It wasn’t just the kiss of two people who were attracted to one another; it was the kiss of two people who needed one another. There was desperation in it, a longing so intense, it had been palpable to even me.

  It was the kind of kiss I’d once shared with Jake.

  Feeling even lower than I had been before, I walked down the hall, wondering if the bathroom was perhaps right, rather than left.