Out of the Shallows

by Samantha Young

  “Charley, I don’t understand.” He reached for me, his thumbs swiping at the salty escapees.

  “I promised God that if he saved Andie… I would give you up.”

  Realization struck him and he looked like it had punched a mighty blow. “And then Andie woke up.”

  I nodded. “I know it’s crazy. I know that it was probably a coincidence but I can’t get rid of this fear that if I let myself be with you, something bad will happen to Andie. And now I can’t be with you and I resent my sister for it. Which is outrageous and wrong. So I haven’t faced her. I haven’t faced the way I treated her or the way I’m still treating her. That’s not me, Jake.” I punched at the mattress below me in anger. “I’m not this coward. But that’s who I’ve become. A coward. I’m a coward, I can’t have you, and I can’t be a cop because my parents don’t want to go through what they just went through again. Where does that leave me? Who am I without my ability to act despite my fears, or be with you, or be the person I’m meant to be?”

  Jake looked shaken. “Christ, Charley.” He shifted closer to me and put his arm around me, drawing me into his side. “I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this shit around for months without telling me. Without telling anyone.”

  I hugged him close. “I love you,” I told him softly. “I love you so much. But I can’t be with you.”

  The wind whipped my hair forward around my face as I stood on the bluffs by Baker Beach holding Jake’s hand.

  Beck stood lower down on the rocks from us, Claudia at his side, as he stared out at the Pacific Ocean. He spoke, his words muffled by the wind. That was okay. Those words were for his dad’s ears alone.

  After a little while, Beck let go of Claudia’s hand and removed the lid from the small lacquered box. Without a moment’s hesitation, he released the ashes and they caught in the wind as it blew out toward the ocean.

  He wiped a tear from his cheek and Claudia wrapped her arm around his waist and drew him closer. He accepted her comfort, sliding his own arm around her shoulders and kissing her head in thanks.

  Jake stroked my hand, drawing my attention from my friends to his face. He looked grim. Sad. Wary.

  After my confession he didn’t tell me I was crazy for feeling the way I felt, but I sensed a new desperation in him and I feared that it was borne of him letting go of the hope that I would come around—that eventually we’d find our way back together again.

  That I had given up hope was bad enough. Selfishly, I didn’t want Jake to.

  I spent the night with him again, positive now that he understood there wasn’t more to it than me grasping at a last chance to soak in the temporary pleasure of being with him.

  Jake leaned down to be heard over the wind. “Let’s leave them for a moment.”

  I nodded and followed him back over the bluffs to where we’d parked the car up on Lincoln Boulevard. It was much warmer in San Francisco but it was windy off the water and I was glad to return to the car.

  We were silent for a while, taking in the magnitude of what Beck was going through. I never wanted to be in a position to understand what he was dealing with. It was bad enough being distant with my father these last few months. I couldn’t imagine losing him completely.

  “It all comes back to me walking away when I was seventeen,” Jake suddenly said, jolting me out of my thoughts.

  Confused, I said, “What does?”

  “Everything that’s happened to us. Brett’s death. Me breaking up with you. The shit we went through to find each other again only for your parents and sister not to forgive me like you did. You stopped talking to Andie because of it, Andie got in an accident, you blamed yourself, you made a pact with God and now have this irrational fear, irrational but real nonetheless, which means you’re afraid we can’t be together.” Jake shook his head. “I don’t believe that. I don’t believe that we have to keep being punished for what happened when we were kids. I don’t believe that the choices we both made to walk away from each other define us. I don’t believe that we can’t trust one another, and I don’t believe that we wouldn’t make it work a third time around. If you and Andie, if you and your parents, hadn’t fallen out before the accident, I’m one hundred percent sure you would have had me by your side during Andie’s coma. You would have let me in. I really believe that fate just got in the way of this one.” He grabbed my hand, his eyes imploring. “But really, we’re still kids, Charley. We’ve got so much to work out about ourselves and about life. Who says then that this is all we get? We’ve got a whole lifetime that we could use to make up for our past.”

  Although my heart was pounding from his optimism, I found myself attempting to remind him of one glaring fact. “But Jake—”

  “I know, I know. Your fear.” He sighed and sat back in his seat. “We can’t be together until you work it out, Charley. We can’t be together until you work it all out. Your sister, your parents, your career—you. Go home and face your sister, Supergirl.” He brought my hand to his mouth and pressed a gentle kiss upon my knuckles. “Go home and find yourself. Take all the time you need. And when you’re done and if you still want me,” he gave me a sad, crooked, boyish smile, “come and find me.”

  There was a possibility I was going to upchuck all over my sister and Rick’s front stoop. It felt like one minute I’d been in San Francisco and the next I was in Beverly ready to face the firing squad.

  It wasn’t a minute but it was only eight hours.

  What Jake had said to me in the SUV was absolutely right. I’d known it was right for over five months but after my first semester in Edinburgh, I thought I finally had a grasp on who I was and where I was going. So to suddenly find myself lost was overwhelming. I hadn’t handled the uncertainty of what lay ahead for me. I’d let myself be changed by the cracks in what had always been a strong family bond and rather than face those changes, I’d run from them and all the reasons for their existence.

  Perhaps if I’d confided in Jake sooner, I would’ve ended up on Andie’s doorstep months ago. Or perhaps I needed the time and distance from all the players in my story to find my way back to them. I guess I’d never know. And I knew I’d never know if Andie and I could find our way back if I didn’t knock on her door.

  Claudia and Beck had been really understanding. Beck was coping with his own issues and I didn’t want to take anything away from that. The road trip was about him and I needed to let the three of them go so they could help him work that out. I was going to call my parents and ask them to book me a flight to Chicago from San Francisco, but Claudia insisted on using her parents’ credit card. I tried to say no. Our road trip had been funded by that credit card and I didn’t want to take advantage. Claudia said it was the only thing her parents were good for, so in the end, that—and my desire to hold onto my courage while I still had it—was the reason I accepted her help.

  I got a taxi to the airport, leaving the three of them at the beach.

  I couldn’t bear to say to goodbye to Jake in the airport… I didn’t know when or if I’d ever say hello to him again. We shared a look before I got in the taxi, his so hopeful and mine filled with regret. I’d treated him terribly these last few months and yet it hadn’t stopped him from trying to save me.

  Suddenly my sister’s door flew open and there she was.

  Beautiful and fresh-faced, Andie was standing upright and she looked healthy. Her expression, however, was blank. “Were you planning on knocking or are you holding out for a career as a porch ornament?”

  Feeling breathless, I whispered, “Funny.”

  Andie stood back from the doorway and made a gesture for me to come inside. “You’re only seven months late.”

  I flinched but somehow managed to meet her eyes as I stepped inside her home for the first time since her accident. She shut the door and I waited for her to make the next move. The fact that I felt like a complete stranger in her house made me even more nauseated than before. Panic held me to the spot.

  Andie eyed
me for a second. Whatever she saw made the flatness in her eyes disappear. Concern shone through. “Don’t look at me like that,” she said. “It doesn’t suit you.”

  “I’m sorry,” I blurted out.

  After a moment of intense scrutiny, Andie nodded. “I know. Come on.” She walked through her spacious entry hall and into the living room. “Rick’s at work.”

  “Probably a good thing,” I muttered.

  “Why’s that?” She flopped down into the armchair and I realized my parents’ reports on her recovery were true, and I’d missed all her hard work.

  I shrugged as I lowered myself onto her couch. “I’m guessing he’s not too happy with me right now.”

  Instead of yay or naying my suspicions, Andie just stared at me.

  Forcing the nausea aside and trying to find the me who wouldn’t be intimidated, I kept my gaze steady on hers. “How have you been? How has the recovery been?”

  “My recovery has been fine. I missed my own graduation and I was worried for a while that the job I had waiting for me was in jeopardy, but it all worked out.” She shrugged, barely giving me any emotion.

  I narrowed my eyes. “Are you just telling me what you’ve been telling everyone else?”

  “Well, what do you want to hear, Charley?” She narrowed her eyes right back at me. “That waking up from a fourteen-day coma was petrifying? That I had nightmares for months? That my fiancé worries every time I step outside the door? That I’ve developed a fear of yellow cabs? That I had to be emotionally and mentally evaluated and cleared before they’d let me start work? That all of this pales in comparison to the fact that nine months ago, my little sister stopped talking to me and I feel like I’ve been missing an arm ever since?”

  I held her stare and let her anger and hurt flood into me like a tsunami. She deserved the chance to let me have it and I believed I deserved to take it.

  “So are you going to say anything ever again?” Andie asked patiently. She glanced at the clock on the mantel above her fireplace. “It’s been ten minutes.”

  I eased back against her sofa. “I’m trying to put the right words together to apologize but I can’t. There are no right words. I’m sorry we argued. I’m sorry I chose Jake over you. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you for weeks. And I am beyond sorry that I couldn’t get unstuck from the quagmire I’ve found myself in since Jake… and everything… I’m sorry I didn’t get unstuck and brave and face you. I’m sorry I didn’t help you get through this.”

  Andie placed coffee on the table in front of me before sitting back down on the armchair, her own mug clasped in her hands. She curled her feet underneath her and took a sip.

  I waited for her to say something.

  I’d been waiting for twenty minutes.

  “Are you going to say anything now?”

  She cocked her head to the side to study me. “What would you like me to say?”

  “I don’t know. Anything.”

  “You’re lying.”

  I almost rolled my eyes. She was using her therapist voice. I refrained and nodded. “Okay, I admit it. I want you to forgive me.”

  Time seemed to move slowly as I waited for Andie’s reply. She made me wait while she sipped her coffee until there was nothing left to sip. I waited while she leaned forward to place her empty mug on the table before slowly sitting back.

  “Does this lengthy silence mean it’s irreparable?”

  Andie’s expression turned curious at the question. “What’s irreparable?”

  “The damage I’ve done to this family.”

  She was silent so long, I feared we were about to sit through another twenty minutes of torturous quiet, but then her expression turned pained. “I knew it. I hoped I was wrong, but I knew it.”

  “Knew what?”

  “That the reason it’s taken you this long to turn up on my doorstep is because you’ve taken on the blame for this whole thing.”

  Shocked, I said, “Don’t you blame me for this whole thing?”

  Instead of answering my question, Andie leaned forward. “Is it true you took the LSATs? That you’re going to law school?”

  I wasn’t there to discuss my future career. I was there to mend our relationship. “Andie—”

  She held up a hand, cutting me off. “Law school?”

  I sighed and reluctantly nodded. “Yes. Law school.”

  “Last time we spoke, you’d decided to pursue the police academy. I want to know what changed.”

  “Why are we talking about this?”

  Andie raised an eyebrow at me. “Because it’s important.”

  “An answer any time now would be good.”

  I didn’t want to talk about my career or anything that wasn’t about Andie and repairing our relationship. This time was supposed to be about her. But I’d been sitting there for ten minutes trying to dodge the question.

  I heaved another sigh. “I would think it was obvious.” When she made no reply, I continued, “Andie, you didn’t see what your accident did to Mom and Dad. They held it together but barely. They nearly lost you and it took its toll. It made them… fragile, vulnerable in a way I didn’t expect, in a way that scared me. I don’t ever want to put them through something like that again. You don’t know how relieved they were when I told them I wouldn’t pursue a career as a cop.”

  I could tell by the look in her eyes that my sister understood, but there was something else there too. “And what about you? What about what you want? What about your happiness?”

  “I’m not doing this out of martyrdom. I don’t want them to have to go through that again. I wanted to be a cop. But I need my family to be okay more. I’m compromising.” I leaned forward, hoping she could see the sincerity in my eyes. “It was hard to make that decision. And yes, I feel a little lost right now, but I don’t regret giving Mom and Dad peace of mind. Careers… they come and go, right? It’s the people in our lives who are important. So I’m okay with this decision.”

  After a few moments, Andie nodded. “Okay.”

  “I felt lost for a while after the accident,” Andie spoke up, breaking the silence.

  I waited for her to elaborate.

  “You said you feel lost.” She explained, “I’m just saying, I get it. Everything felt different after the accident. Mom and Dad were different. Even Rick. And you… you weren’t there at all. Was part of that because you feel lost?”

  I nodded. “You’re a part of me. Like a limb. Like lungs. To be me, truly me, I need you in my life. It’s always going to be hard for me to find myself if you’re not in my life.” Emotion clawed at my chest. “I couldn’t move past the guilt and it changed me. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger.”

  “I was mad at you,” she said. “Like I mentioned before, when I was in recovery, I was pretty scared. I’ve never been scared like that and that’s partly because I’ve always had this brave little sister in my life who somehow managed to make me feel safe.” She glanced away and I caught the shimmer in her eyes. “I was lost too and I was mad at you.”

  I looked at my hands, trying to find the right words. “I don’t know how to make sense of why. I can try to explain…”

  “I’m listening,” she prompted.

  My stomach flipped as it all rushed me, all the reasons my life had spiraled out of control these last few months. It all tumbled out of my mouth, just like it had done with Jake. “I felt like I was being punished. Your accident, I felt like it was punishment for the way I treated you, for putting Jake before you. The guilt was just…” I sucked it up and for the next twenty minutes, I told her everything I’d confessed to Jake. My terror that Andie would die. My guilt, my bargain with God, the resentment, and then the paralysis when she woke up.

  Andie was quiet for a while, scrutinizing me in that inner psychiatrist way of hers. She was so quiet, I was afraid I’d mucked up the explanation.

  But then she said, “I stopped being mad at you pretty quickly during my recovery. I went back to worrying like I had bee
n for the months we didn’t talk. Especially after Rick and Mom and Dad told me you were by my side more than anyone when I was in the coma. It hurt that you didn’t come around for my recovery or after, but I forgive you for that, Charley. I forgave you months ago.”

  Once the little niggle of resentment I’d been feeling over Andie’s confession was swamped by the relief that she’d forgiven me, I asked calmly, “If you forgave me, why didn’t you come to see me?”

  Andie gave me her I’m smarter than you look that always drove me crazy. “Because of who you are. Everything you just told me, with the exception of your pact with God, I already guessed. Mom and Dad told me about law school and I knew that this whole thing had to be impacted by that. I know you better than anyone, maybe even better than you know yourself. And I knew that if I made the first move, you’d hold on to your guilt until your fingers bled. You needed to be the one to push past it, to be brave like always, and come to me first. It was the only way you’d feel okay about yourself.”

  I shook my head. “You say you forgive me, but we both know I still should’ve been here.”

  “How could you have been? You were in another country.”

  “I wasn’t even here emotionally, though,” I insisted, a part of me needing her to be mad at me to substantiate my own self-reproach.

  “Charley, why do you always need to save people? Who you are is going to crush you unless you learn to ease up on yourself. You can’t control fate. You can’t save everyone.”

  “But I shouldn’t have put Jake before you. I shouldn’t have treated you like that. Surely you agree I’m to blame for that?”

  “No, I don’t.” Andie shook her head stubbornly. “About two weeks after that telephone conversation, Rick and I got into a big argument about it. I’d been snapping at him for every little thing because I was pissed at you. Finally he’d had enough and told me that I was partly to blame for my argument with you.” She laughed softly. “And you know that pissed me off even more because I knew he was right.” Andie leaned forward, her expression sincere. “Charley, I should never have put you in that position. I was living in the past. I was scared Jake was going to hurt you like he did before. When he left last time, I came back to this kid who wasn’t my sister and it scared me shitless. And not just for you but selfishly for me, too. I’ve always needed you to be strong and brave, and when Jake left you, I suddenly realized you were mortal, just like the rest of us.”