Lillie laughed. “Not this time.”
An awkward moment passed between them when Lillie reached for Cody’s belt and then hesitated. Recognition seemed to move across Cody’s face that she could either hold on to the blanket covering her top half or release it to unfasten her pants.
“Are you okay if I help with these?” It was one thing to unbutton Cody’s shirt playfully knowing that she was wearing an undershirt beneath it, but helping her with the trousers seemed somehow more personal, especially given their situation. Cody nodded.
She tugged the belt loose, and as she did, her fingers brushed against Cody’s stomach. Lillie tried to manage the task as clinically as possible, but despite her best efforts, she felt heat rise to her throat as she unbuttoned the fly and began to lower the soaking wet trousers.
Luckily, Cody was wearing long boxy undershorts, and they were less damp and covered her private parts and the top half of her thighs.
Lillie hung the damp clothing over a wooden crate flush against the far side of the wagon. Cody reached over and offered the flask to her as she settled back into her seat. Not usually one to indulge, somehow at the moment, she felt she needed the warming liquor to settle her nerves. The storm raged around them, but Cody was safely back inside. They were safe.
“Are you warming up?” Lillie pulled another blanket over Cody’s exposed legs.
“Yes. The brandy is helping too, thanks.”
Lillie looked in the wooden chest again and fished out a small circular tin. “This is a salve made from pine sap. It’s very good for cuts. I’ll put some on those scratches. They look deep.”
Lillie moved so that she was sitting next to Cody. She pulled the lantern closer for better light. Cody turned and lowered the blanket so that Lillie could see the cuts all along her ribs and her arm.
“This might sting a little at first.”
“It’s cold too.” Cody flinched as Lillie began to attend to the first injury from the thorns.
Cody studied Lillie’s delicate features in the lantern light. Lillie seemed to be taking her time with each cut. Cody raised her arm in order for Lillie to reach the cuts across her ribs. There was a moment when she thought Lillie had finished and then she felt her soft fingers tracing lines across her back.
Cody wondered what the marks on her back looked like. She’d never seen them, and she hadn’t wanted Lillie to see them either, but it seemed that the scars hadn’t put Lillie off. She’d never let anyone see the marks. She wasn’t sure why she’d allowed Lillie to get so close. Lillie’s touch was doing more to warm her up than the blanket or the brandy. Lillie felt so good leaning against her.
“How are you feeling? Better?”
“What I’m feeling makes me want to do things.” She hesitated. “Things that maybe I shouldn’t even be thinking about.” The admission caused a knot of nerves to gather in Cody’s stomach.
“What sort of things?” Lillie was still leaning on her, and she felt Lillie’s lips move against her bare skin as she whispered the question.
Would Lillie be doing what she was doing right now if she didn’t feel something too? Cody’s heart was pounding in her chest as she rotated to face Lillie. The blanket was now draped only over one shoulder so she was really letting Lillie see, scars and all. She saw only kindness in Lillie’s eyes in the soft light. She leaned forward, but hesitated, almost letting their lips touch. Lillie closed the space between them. Her eyes were closed, but she felt Lillie’s warm hands clasping her face as they kissed.
Cody’s system was registering the slow burn of the kiss. Her heart rate increased even more, making her face feel hot, then her stomach flipped upside down and that same deep ache began to build between her legs. To say she was feeling things was a huge understatement. She leaned back, pulling Lillie on top of her. Lillie broke the kiss just long enough to tug the blanket over them.
“Body heat is probably the best way to warm you up.” Lillie snuggled into Cody’s neck.
“I’m a big fan of body heat.”
Lillie laughed softly. “What did you mean when you said you wanted to do things?”
Lillie clearly wasn’t going to let her off the hook now that she’d put her thoughts out there. Cody was uncomfortably aware that she had no shirt on. She could feel the palm of Lillie’s hand resting over her heart as she lay partially on top of her and partially beside her. She kissed Lillie’s forehead.
“I don’t know how to explain it…I’m feeling you. I feel it deep inside. My head is full of you.”
“Show me.”
Cody rolled over on the narrow mattress to face Lillie. She traced the contour of Lillie’s face with her finger and then the curve of her neck, and then she slowly followed the edge of Lillie’s dress collar. Without saying anything, Lillie unbuttoned her dress and let it drape open, giving Cody a view of the slip underneath and just a hint of cleavage. Taking this as an invitation, Cody softly kissed the hollow space where Lillie’s collarbone crossed to her shoulder, then pulled the dress aside and kissed the rounded top of her breast.
Lillie inhaled sharply, and Cody feared she’d gone too far. She looked at Lillie, but didn’t know how to interpret the expression on her face.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”
“There’s no need to apologize,” Lillie whispered. And then she kissed Cody, a slow, luxurious kiss.
Outside, thunder sounded in the distance and rain pelted the canvas, while inside, Cody was entranced. Lillie sat up, eased the dress off her shoulders, and then the slip, so that the fabric was gathered at her waist. She lay back down facing Cody, both of them nude from the waist up. She took Cody’s hand and placed it over her breast. She could feel the firm point of Lillie’s nipple against her palm. She closed her eyes and allowed the sensation of this sensual contact to wash over her. When she opened her eyes, Lillie was looking at her.
Lillie studied Cody’s face. She wanted desperately to know what Cody was thinking, but she didn’t dare ask for fear of breaking the spell. Lillie’s breath quickened as Cody rolled on top of her. Braced on one arm, Cody placed her other hand at Lillie’s throat, then Cody slid her hand down slowly to Lillie’s breast. Cody’s hands were strong and calloused in places. She kept her palm on Lillie’s breast until she replaced it with her mouth.
The sensation of Cody’s mouth on her breast was such exquisite torture. She opened her mouth to cry out, but no sound came. She closed her eyes and filled her fingers with Cody’s hair.
She’d wanted so desperately to be close to Cody. She wanted to curl up inside her and have Cody climb inside her. There seemed to be the thinnest separation between them, and then even that was gone, as if she was feeling the beating of Cody’s heart in her own chest.
Cody rose up, resting on her elbows, and held Lillie’s face in her hands. She kissed her tenderly. “Was that okay?”
“Yes, that felt wonderful. This is what I wanted, to be close to you. To be near to you with nothing between us.” Lillie wanted even more. She had a desire for Cody to touch her in other places. She wanted to feel Cody’s hands all over her body, but she didn’t know exactly how to ask for that, and this seemed like it might not be the best time for further exploration anyway.
Cody eased off to one side and pulled Lillie partially on top of her under the blanket. Skin to skin. Lillie felt electrified, and it had nothing to do with the thunder that boomed in the distance. Cody brushed her shoulder lightly with her fingers under the blanket, and Lillie let her palm drift over Cody’s stomach until it came to rest in the center of her chest.
“Do they look terrible?”
“What?” The question caught Lillie off guard.
“The scars, do they look terrible?”
“I suppose you’ve never seen them.” Lillie kissed Cody’s shoulder and then settled her cheek there.
“No, I’ve never seen them.”
“They don’t look terrible. They just make me angry that anyone would do that.”
Lillie stared at the candle’s flame in the glass covering of the lantern, letting her eyes lose focus as Cody talked softly.
“I think abuse might be sort of like rising water. It comes up slowly. It lulls you into thinking things will stop…or change. But the water keeps rising. And then you’re fighting for air and you can’t see your way out…”
“Cody.”
Cody felt Lillie’s fingers on her cheek. She was feeling emotionally fragile and was afraid to see the expression on Lillie’s face.
“Cody, look at me.”
All around them the storm raged, but when Cody looked into Lillie’s eyes all she felt was calm.
Acceptance.
Warmth.
She closed her eyes when Lillie kissed her, allowing the warmth to wash through her body like so many successive waves.
“You make me glad I left.” For the first time in a long time, Cody felt like there might be a future for her out in the world. That she might deserve better than the hand she’d been dealt.
Chapter Nineteen
As dawn broke, everyone took stock of the damage the storm had done. Lillie tried to start a fire with some small sticks of dry wood from inside the wagon. They’d had a long, sleepless night. She’d need coffee and some food and so would Cody.
She watched Cody amble back in her direction from the other side of camp. The bottom of her pants were soaked from the wet grass.
“How are things looking?”
“Well, the oxen ran against some of the wagons. They broke the wheels and tongue of one and bawled and pitched around till they finally got loose and ran off in a stampede.” Cody accepted a tin cup of coffee from Lillie. “I’m going to go out with some of the fellas to bring them back.”
“Whose wagon was damaged?”
“Abe Gunther and his wife.” Cody took a bite of dried beef between sips of coffee. “Luckily, they weren’t in it. They were in their tent several yards away.”
“They could have gotten hurt if the animals had run through the tent.”
“I know. They were lucky.”
“What happens now?” Lillie wanted to be helpful but wasn’t sure what to do.
“Well, Abe has enough timber to repair the wagon, so he’ll work on that while we gather the teams back. But my guess is we won’t leave till noon, if then.”
It was probably just as well. The ground was soggy, and it would be slow going if they tried to leave before it had a chance to dry out a little.
Cody ate a bit more and downed her coffee before she saddled Shadow to go help look for the runaway stock. Shadow bore the marks of his nighttime encounter with the thorns, but at least he was safe, although he seemed as if he were still unsettled.
The animals seemed different to Lillie the farther away from Missouri they traveled. They seemed uneasy. Maybe it was the scent of wild animals, but they spooked at the least thing. They’d get frightened at anything and sometimes at nothing. And Lillie didn’t really blame them.
The cries of wolves in the night were enough to send a chill through even the most valiant heart.
*
Cody’s prediction had proved to be accurate. The wagons weren’t ready to head out until almost noon.
There was nothing Lillie could do to help so she decided to try to capture the surrounding prairie view with her paints. So far on her journey from New York she’d only sketched, but she’d brought oils and watercolor pigments along with her.
She paused, considering which to use while she held the lid of the trunk open.
Watercolor would dry faster and required less preparation. All she needed was a small jar of water. The ground was still very soggy so she carried a chair away from camp and set it facing the unbroken horizon. Then she went back for supplies. She mounted paper on a stiff, thin wooden portable easel board and gathered pigments and brushes.
The storm had moved away leaving a magnificent display of clouds low over the swaying sea of green. She wondered if she’d be able to capture that motion through texture.
Watercolor allowed for a freshness and luminosity in its washes that Lillie thought would perfectly capture the sky. The biggest difference between watercolor and oils was transparency. Painting with oils allowed her to paint one opaque color over another until she had achieved a desired result. The whites were created with opaque white paint. But the approach with watercolor was the opposite.
In essence, instead of building up, the technique was to leave out. The white paper created the whites. The darkest accents could be placed on the paper with the pigment as it came out of the tube or with very little water mixed with it. But the whites had to be created with unpainted spaces in between.
The first quick color sketch was discarded.
Lillie rolled her shoulders and exhaled. She tried to relax into the scene, to feel the color and texture, to allow her senses to open up.
She lost track of time but managed to paint two images that she was pleased with. Two out of four wasn’t bad for a morning’s work. By the time she returned to the wagon and stowed her things, everyone was ready for departure. She didn’t show the pages to Cody. She’d share them later. She lay them across the bunk inside the wagon to properly dry as they traveled.
With the livestock still on edge, it was decided that those with loose cows should drive them ahead of the wagons. The men, women, and children followed behind with the teams so as not to frighten the cattle.
The wagons wound across the prairie with not a tree nearby; some were in sight but none near enough for shelter.
The sun was exerting itself. Not a breath of air stirred, and heat baking the damp earth made the air heavy and humid. Lillie took her bonnet off and fanned herself, but she didn’t dare leave her head uncovered for long. She could already see freckles on her hands and wrists from the sun. She didn’t want too much sun on her face.
As she walked, Lillie was struck by her own self-governance in this place. She was actually free to do what she liked. So what if she ended up with freckles? There was no one close by to take issue with it or to lecture her. She could breathe easy without the oppression she sometimes felt from the gossiping circles of a settled community of women in the city.
Cody walked several yards ahead of her, with her hat low.
The more time they spent together the more Lillie liked Cody. When they’d made this arrangement she’d been cavalier to suggest that Cody should move on after resting for a while at her homestead in Kansas.
Lillie wasn’t ready for Cody to leave. There was more to know, more to experience, and more to share. And last night seemed like just the beginning. She wondered for a moment if she could figure out a way to convince Cody to stay. She’d give that some thought.
*
After a short travel day of only about eight miles, they made camp at Rock Creek.
At present, the creek was quite low. It was obvious from erosion on the banks that in high water it was a bold, deep stream. The creek banks were slate rock and bore watermarks from higher levels.
A number of trees grew near the stream, along with a fair amount of small undergrowth.
Lillie had wandered down with some of the other women to get water for supper. She crossed and re-crossed the creek on stones jutting up from the water’s surface. There were no fish she could see except for a few tiny minnows.
She decided to retrieve her paints and do a quick color sketch. The afternoon light was perfect and quite different from the paintings she’d done in morning light.
The landscape itself was uniform which allowed Lillie to give greater concern to atmospheric effects and reflected light. This added complexity to the images. Her goal was to capture the diffused light, limited in color but infinitely varied in tone, in a series of subtle watercolor sketches as the lighting changed leading up to sunset.
She felt awake and alive creatively in a way she hadn’t felt in months. Was it
her exposure to the elements? Certainly spending each day and night in the open air she was exposed to light in a way that she never was in the city.
Or was it her blossoming sexual relationship with Cody that had opened something up inside, a different way of being in the world, a different way of seeing the world perhaps? She was unsure what exactly was the cause of her awakening, but she felt it nonetheless.
By the time Lillie returned to camp, Cody had started a fire using a combination of dry sticks and buffalo chips. They were having beans and potatoes for supper, along with some chunks of bacon Lillie had dropped into the mix. After the first day she realized that camp cooking wasn’t that hard, the simpler the recipe the better. The hardest part was getting a fire going, and Cody usually took care of that.
They sat on wooden folding chairs around the cook fire as darkness descended.
“How do those cuts and scratches feel?” Lillie fished out a potato wedge with a wooden spoon to see if it was soft.
“I’d almost forgotten them.”
“I think this is ready.” Lillie spooned some of the food onto tin plates and handed one to Cody.”
“So, what do you think of camping so far?” Cody blew on her food and then took a small bite.
“I’ll admit I was apprehensive at first—”
“What does…apprehensive mean?”
“Oh, it just means, nervous.” Lillie felt her cheeks warm, and she was sure she was blushing. She tried not to say things that called attention to the fact that she’d had advanced academic training, but every now and then she forgot and her vocabulary gave her away. She was glad that Cody simply asked when she didn’t understand something, and Lillie always tried to answer in a way that didn’t make Cody feel uncomfortable.
“But you’re not nervous any longer?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say I’m not nervous at all, but I’m not as afraid as I thought I might be.”
“I think you’re doing well, Lillie.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” Cody set her already empty plate on her knee. “You walk all day without complaining, you get food ready for us at night, you’re good with the animals…you’ve done as well as any woman in this camp.”
Crossing the Wide Forever Page 13