“Thank you.” Now Lillie was sure she was blushing because heat rushed to her face. “Would you like a second serving? I think there’s enough.”
“Sure, thank you.” Cody handed her empty dish to Lillie.
“You know I couldn’t have done this without you, right?” Lillie looked at Cody across the fire as she handed her a second helping. “I’m very grateful for all you’ve done to help me.”
“We’re helping each other.”
“Yes, we are.” Lillie felt her stomach tighten just a bit at the thought that there might be a time when they didn’t need each other. When the decision to stay together would be about want and not need. Lillie was afraid that she might already be nearing that place.
*
After dinner they joined others in the camp that’d congregated around a central fire pit. With weather clouds gathering, the wagons had been circled, with tents set in the interior around the inside for protection in case the animals got spooked again.
As she drew closer, Lillie could see that several in the company were seated around the fire on the skulls of long dead buffalo. The flame from the fire cast long, ghoulish shadows of the skulls on the ground. The entire scene was rather surreal. If Lillie were to describe this in a letter to Caroline she would hardly believe it were true.
Cody had carried a chair over from their small cook fire, and she set it down for Lillie. Cody stood behind her. She’d accepted a rolled cigarette from Abe Gunther, and the two of them stood a few feet away listening to the conversation while they smoked.
Lillie recognized that this was all part of Cody’s disguise as a man, but smoking wasn’t something she was particularly fond of.
Abe’s wife, Etta, pulled her chair closer to Lillie’s and offered her some hot tea.
“Thank you, tea would be lovely.” Lillie held the tin cup Etta had offered while she poured the steaming liquid. The warmth of the mug felt soothing in her palms.
“It’s chamomile. I love a bit of it at night after supper.” Etta settled the kettle back near the edge of the fire.
“Mm, it smells really good.” Lillie held the cup under her nose for a moment, breathing deeply before she took a small sip.
Those gathered around the fire talked softly of the future. The crops they’d plant, how many acres they’d claim, the best way to build a sod house with no timber to mill.
Lillie appreciated the fact that she was luckier than most, because her uncle’s place had already been established. She’d have a huge head start because a house and working farm awaited her. Others would be carving a new home from nothing, some with little more than health and hand as capital.
Simple people, who worked for themselves, lived close lives, and dreamed great dreams, would soon occupy the American frontier. The emigrants who faced and overcame nearly insurmountable odds to populate the west certainly possessed self-reliance, independence, courage, and resilience.
Lillie only had a few more days on the trail. All the others were bound for claims much farther west, some all the way to California. Their journey would require a deep well of optimism to overcome the despair, loneliness, fear, and second-guessing that would no doubt accompany them as they crossed the hundreds of miles of emptiness and uncertainty.
Lillie was glad to know these travelers. They were every one compassionate and quietly courageous, and she was proud to have known them.
Chapter Twenty
Council Grove, the great rendezvous point for travelers and any trader heading west was one hundred and forty-five miles from Independence.
Council Grove was considered the dividing line between the civilized and barbarous because the western trail beyond this point was fraught with Indian attacks and other perils.
A thick cluster of trees some miles in length with a small creek running through them gave the town its name. As they entered the grove, Cody noticed a large quantity of fine timber: oak, hickory, and walnut. Mr. Alexander planned for the company to stay in Council Grove for a couple of days to repair any wagons that required it, rest the stock, and get timber for future needs.
Cody led the team up a small rise so that she could strike camp on a hill. She set the oxen, who she’d recently named Ned and Britt, loose to feed on grass. She watched them amble off and turned to survey the landscape. To the west lay a wide expanse of prairie. As far as she could see in that direction she saw nothing except a swaying sea of tall grass. In the opposite direction were miles of trees and rolling hills. The sunset painted the clouds low on the horizon red-orange.
“The view is spectacular.” Lillie slipped her arm around Cody’s waist. “I wish I had time to paint this.”
“It must be hard to capture a scene as large as this.” Cody put her arm around Lillie’s shoulders. One of the best things about being married was the freedom to show a certain amount of acceptable affection in public. Cody was getting more comfortable with affection from Lillie. In fact, she enjoyed it.
Lillie leaned her head on Cody’s shoulder and sighed. “It is hard to capture the scale and even harder to capture the feeling a place gives you.”
“How do you paint a feeling?”
“Color, light…it’s hard to explain.”
“Maybe some time you’ll show me.”
“I’d like to share that with you.”
“The paintings you’ve done so far are beautiful.”
“Thank you. I don’t normally use watercolor, but I think it may be my new favorite medium.”
They were quiet for a moment, enjoying the view arm in arm.
“You know, we could cook out again or…”
“Or?” Lillie tilted her head to look at Cody.
“Well, I noticed that this town actually has not only a hotel, but a restaurant. I wondered if you’d let me take you out for dinner.”
“If you’ll let me freshen up a bit first, then I happily accept your invitation.”
Cody followed Lillie to the barrel of water tied to the side of the buckboard. They took turns washing the trail dust off. Cody even put on her last clean shirt.
It only took a few minutes to walk back down the hill to Main Street. They passed Gilkey’s Hotel on the south end of the street. The restaurant, called Hays House, was farther down near the Last Chance Store. They’d probably need to stop in the store to stock up on a few things before leaving the others and turning south for Lillie’s farm.
Hay’s House was a long wooden two-story structure with a porch all across the front on both the first and second floors. The main dining room was centered around a large stone fireplace. Pine wainscoting ringed the room, giving the whole place a nice cozy feel. It looked as if almost every table was full. Conversation, clanging dishes, and the scent of warm bread filled the air.
A man wearing an apron, a dark vest, and cuffed sleeves showed them to a table at the back of the room.
Cody ordered a pint of beer for herself and tea for Lillie.
“Camping has been an adventure, but I must say that it’s very nice to eat indoors.” Lillie unfolded her napkin and laid it across her lap. “And have someone else do the cooking.”
“I have to agree.” The special for the night was steak and potatoes, so Cody ordered two servings.
“Are you getting excited to see your place?” Cody sipped her beer. They hadn’t really talked much about Lillie’s farm other than to plan for what supplies they might need.
“I suppose I am excited. But a little nervous, too.”
“What are you nervous about?”
Lillie didn’t answer right away. It was almost as if a cloud passed overhead and darkened her normally bright eyes. She sat back in her chair with her hands folded in her lap.
“Lillie? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Lillie fussed with the fork on the table. “I just…I suppose I just don’t really know what to expect. I’m not sure what we’ll find when we get there.”
“Whatever we find, we’ll deal with it, right?” Cody placed her
hand over Lillie’s, stilling her fingers.
“Will you stay for a while then?”
The server brought two plates of food. Cody pulled her hand back from Lillie’s to make room. The steak was a good portion, but she figured she’d make quick work of it because she was starving. Cody shoved a large chunk of meat in her mouth before she realized she hadn’t answered the question left hanging in the air. Lillie hadn’t touched her food. She was watching Cody expectantly. Cody chewed fast and swallowed.
“Of course I’ll stay a while.” Lillie seemed to visibly relax. “I’m sorry I didn’t answer you right away. The food distracted me.” She smiled and Lillie smiled back, but the smile seemed halfhearted. Cody couldn’t help but think that there was more to her question than just what appeared on the surface of it.
It wasn’t as if Lillie was asking a question she hadn’t been silently asking herself. Would she stay? Did Lillie even want her to stay? Lillie had obviously answered one of those questions. She did want Cody to stay, but for how long? That would be another discussion.
Cody wanted to talk to Lillie about the future. Maybe not the far off future, but at least the near future. She took another bite of food and considered how to pose the questions circling in her brain. After a few minutes of silence, Cody decided the room was too noisy. She’d have to wait until they were back at camp. Maybe by then she’d think of the right way to ask.
There were a few other wagons on the same hilltop as theirs. Lanterns were lit and cook fires. They created small circles of light against the darkness all around. Cody said hello to Abe and Etta as she and Lillie walked past their campsite.
Cody made sure that Shadow had water and access to grass. He was tethered near the wagon. Ned and Britt also grazed nearby. When Cody walked back to the wagon Lillie was standing beside it. She’d obviously made no move to prepare for bed.
“Is something wrong?” It was dark and the lantern hanging at the back of the enclosure was lit, but the candlelight wasn’t bright enough to illuminate Lillie’s face.
“What I said at dinner, when I asked if you’d stay, you didn’t respond right away, and I thought maybe I was reading into things. That maybe you’re anxious to continue on to California.”
The statement caught Cody off guard. “I only hesitated because of the food, that was all.” Cody had a vague sense that she wasn’t saying the right thing, but she wasn’t sure how to fix it. “The plan all along was that I would stay for a while before heading to California.”
“But you could easily continue on with Mr. Alexander now. You’d be traveling with a company that you already know.”
“Are you saying you want me to go with them?”
“No, I’m simply pointing out that if your desire is for California then this is a good opportunity for you.” Something was wrong. Lillie’s words sounded rational, but she seemed upset, maybe angry even.
“Look, if you’ve decided you want to go on by yourself, if you’d like for me to leave with the group then just come out and say so.” Cody crossed her arms in front of her chest and planted her feet.
“What I’d like is for you to tell me what you really want, but I don’t think you know.”
“What’s that mean?”
“You wait for me to say everything.” Lillie’s voice broke. Was she crying? “I’m the one that suggested we travel together. I’m the one who suggested the marriage…apparently, you’ve just been going along with all of it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Keep your voice down, please.”
“Keep my voice down?” Cody was frustrated. “I don’t even know what we’re talking about any more. I don’t understand you.” She stepped closer. “I don’t think you could say what I’ve been doing with you is just going along with things. But if that’s what you think then we’ve got a bigger problem here than whether to head south or west.” Cody felt a knot in her throat. She choked it down and turned away from Lillie.
“Where are you going?”
“For a walk.” She stormed back down the hill toward town.
Why was she feeling so hurt? What was Lillie trying to say? Hadn’t they done things? Things she’d never done with anyone ever before. Did Lillie not feel the same way she felt when they were together? Damn it all. Her heart was thumping against her ribs, and she felt like punching something. She pounded the dirt with her quick retreat.
*
Lillie wanted to scream at Cody to come back, but she didn’t want to make a scene. She was furious. Tears came against her wishes, and that made her even angrier. How had that conversation taken such a turn? What was Cody not telling her?
When she’d asked Cody to stay, Cody’s reaction was so nonchalant that Lillie might as well have been asking about the weather. She sniffed and wiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand as Cody disappeared in the darkness.
“Are you all right, Lillie?” Etta was standing only a few feet away. Lillie hadn’t even seen her walk up.
Lillie sniffed more loudly than she meant to. “I’ll be so embarrassed if you tell me you heard all of that.”
“Don’t worry. You weren’t loud enough for me to hear what was said. I could just tell you were upset.”
“I have no idea what happened. One minute I was trying to have a conversation with Cody, and the next thing I knew, we were arguing.”
“Here, I brought you a cup of chamomile tea. It’ll settle your insides.”
“Thank you.”
“The first year of marriage can be the hardest.”
“Pardon me?” Lillie held the cup of tea in both hands and tried to read Etta’s expression in the candlelight.
“For Abe and me, the first year was the hardest. It just takes a little while to understand each other and know how to read each other’s moods. That’s all I’m saying.”
“You think that’s all it was?”
“Yes, darlin’. He just needs to cool off. That boy adores you. I’m an old woman so I may not know much, but I know that. He never takes his eyes off you.”
Lillie’s insides warmed, but not from the tea which she had yet to sip. Etta certainly wasn’t old, Lillie would have guessed her to be in her forties, but hopefully Etta was experienced enough to recognize true adoration when she saw it. Another tear trailed down her cheek, and Lillie wiped at it with her sleeve.
“Now you just come sit with me and drink this tea. Mark my words, by the time we’re finished he’ll be back.”
Lillie followed Etta to the chairs by their fire. Abe was not in sight.
“Abe went to see Mr. Alexander about our departure. He’ll be gone for a bit. We’ll just sit here a spell and enjoy our tea and this beautiful night.”
“Thank you. I do feel better.”
“It’s plain to see that Cody cares deeply about you. Plain as day to anyone who’s paying attention. He just needs to learn how to let you know that.”
Etta was assuming that she and Cody were having the communication problems that probably typically came with a traditional marriage, since everyone believed Cody to be male. If only things were that simple.
Lillie hoped Etta was right about Cody just needing to cool off. Their conversation had been a disaster and she was sure she was equally to blame.
*
Cody stomped around for almost an hour and then spent another half hour cooling her heels on a bench set along the darkened façade of the Last Chance Store on Main Street. It seemed the restaurant served food and drinks late. Cody watched the coming and going of the busy place from her perch a block or so away.
The argument with Lillie ran in a loop in her head as she sat in the cool night air, and she still couldn’t figure out exactly where things had gone wrong. With some certainty, she assumed it was her fault or at least partly her fault, but she didn’t know how to make things right.
Sitting on the porch of the local general store all night wasn’t really an option so she started the slow trek back toward their camp. If she w
ere lucky, Lillie would be asleep when she got there and they wouldn’t have to talk until tomorrow. Maybe by tomorrow she’d figure out what to say.
The canopy of the wagon was dark. That probably meant Lillie was asleep. Cody felt tension ebb from her shoulders. Figuring it wasn’t a good idea to sleep next to Lillie in case she was still angry, Cody’s plan was to reach into the rear opening and snatch a blanket so that she could use it for a bedroll under the wagon.
As quietly as possible, she untied the closure and stuck her head in to locate the blanket.
“Cody?” Lillie was sitting on the edge of the bed in the dark. Cody hadn’t even seen her sitting there until she spoke.
“Lillie, I’m sorry. I thought you were asleep.”
“I couldn’t sleep until you were back. Can we talk?”
There was nothing Cody could do but climb up into the wagon and deal with things. Not that she didn’t want to deal with them; it was just that she hadn’t yet sorted any of it out herself so she was uneasy about trying to talk it through.
She took a seat next to Lillie on the narrow bunk. “Listen, I’m sorry I stormed off the way I did.” Maybe she’d start with the easy part.
“And I’m sorry that I pushed you away.”
Was that what happened? Cody wasn’t so sure.
They sat silently for an uncomfortable few moments.
“Cody, I think I was feeling anxious about leaving the group tomorrow and I took it out on you. I’m sorry.”
“I appreciate that you’re apologizing, but I can’t help thinking I’m also to blame for how that conversation went.” Cody rubbed her hands on her thighs. She couldn’t look at Lillie so she looked at the floorboards. “I know I’ve let you take the lead in some things, like us getting married. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to be close to you, I want you to know that. It was because I wanted things from you but didn’t know how to ask for them.” That didn’t sound right either. Cody sighed with frustration. She looked at Lillie. “What I’m trying to say is…being with you…when I’m with you, California is the last thing I’m thinking about.”
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