Dante vs the Internet

by H. L. Holston

  Dante shook his head in despair. Maybe he should have picked a better fake boyfriend? “Did you bust into my medical marijuana stash this morning?”

  Said boyfriend flipped the finger at him. “Be nice, Dante, or you’ll give him a complex. He’s gorgeous!”

  Dante snorted. No one would ever call the dog attractive. Decrepit, and shaggy, yeah, but never cute. Dante wondered if he bought the mutt an actual eye patch it would improve his looks. Or maybe they’d win the sympathy vote from the tabloids for owning a disabled ugly animal?

  Glancing down at Chris now playing tug-of-war with Jack using a toy rope Samantha had given them, Dante knew if Chris and he were really in a relationship they’d have a house full of mutts. Chris would have rescued from every shelter in the LA area. The guy was a pushover.

  From the top of his blond head to the soles of his sexy, overly large feet -- size 12 -- Chris was perfect. Generous, kind, bright and he didn’t put up with Dante’s bullshit. Central casting couldn’t have picked a better fake boyfriend.

  With a twinge of disappointment, Dante wished Chris really were gay. But he brushed that thought out of his head, as there was no sense dwelling on what couldn’t be. Chris was helping a friend, nothing more. He may have experimented in college with guys, but that’s all it was, experimentation. Chris Parker had never indicated an interest in Dante sexually.

  “Everything okay?” Chris asked.

  Turning, Dante smiled his biggest, fakest smile; the one reserved for asshole producers and said, “Yeah, I’m good. Ready to go home? That thing can sit on your lap on the ride back.” He indicated the dog.

  Chris put his hands over the dog’s ears. “Don’t listen to him, Jack. He’s just jealous of your beauty.”

  “Jealous my ass, he’s a mess.” He glared hard at Chris. “And we’re renaming him. I refuse to call him Captain Jack after Depp beat me out of that role. We need to call him something to appeal to our fannish friends online.”

  Dante was sure Chris’ eye roll should have been recorded in the Guinness World Book of Records. “Whatever you say, Dante.”

  The things he did to land a role.

  Four days later, Dante patted himself on the back. Adopting the dog had been a brilliant idea. Chris and he had no less than three articles posted online about their daily walks with Pirate, the one-eyed dog. Chris had taken the dog to the groomers and with a bath and a perky blue bandana, Pirate had cleaned up to look slightly less scary.

  Now those gossip posts had been on TMZ, Celebrity Dirty Laundry and Radar Online, sites not exactly known for their journalistic integrity, but being D-list celebrities meant they had to take what they could get.

  Chris, ever the smart-ass, had printed up one of the articles and put it on the refrigerator. Dante had to admit the post was ludicrous but made him laugh. Chris had been smug because he’d gotten top billing in the title.

  BUTT PIRATES? FORMER CO-STARS CHRIS PARKER AND DANTE MORETTI TAKE A STROLL WITH THEIR NEWLY ADOPTED DOG

  New couple alert? Inside sources say that former “Space Pirates” co-stars, Chris Parker and Dante Moretti are making their fan’s dreams come true by dating each other. While their television show was cancelled several years ago, the cult-like status of it has remained in part to syndication reruns.

  Despite the on-screen chemistry the two enjoyed as Captain John McBride and his arch nemesis turned reluctant ally, T’ger, the men had consistently denied being involved while the show was airing much to their die-hard fans dismay. But that all seems to have changed Pirates fans!

  A reliable source stated the couple was seen at the Brentwood ASPCA adopting the little fella you see in our exclusive pictures. Moretti told staff there the pooch was an “anniversary present” for his new love, Parker. The two men looked positively blissful while walking their new dog on the streets close to Moretti’s Silver Lake home, holding hands and enjoying the early spring weather.

  Previously, Moretti dated Broadway actor, Derek Taylor and openly gay Latin singer/dancer, Julio. Prior to dating Moretti, Parker was only known for dating the fairer sex. The former Hollywood child star cut a swath through the Disney ranks of cute, wholesome girls during the mid-nineties; but after taking a break to attend college, it seems Parker has returned to Tinsel Town with a new attitude and a male lover!

  Our editor called both men’s agents prior to this article being posted for comment, but neither returned our repeated calls prior to publication.

  “Planning your next move, Machiavelli?”

  Chris’ voice broke through his contemplation. Dante turned away from the refrigerator and the article to answer Chris. He saw Pirate had obediently followed the other man into the room. Damn dog bonded to Chris instantly and only came to Dante when given treats. Traitor, Dante thought.

  “As a matter of fact, I am.” Dante smiled wickedly at the other man. “I got a call from my agent and Movie Posters Unlimited down on Hollywood and Highland would like us to do an autograph.”

  “Are they paying us to come?”

  When Dante shook his head and Chris frowned. “Why would we go then?”

  “Well, number one, Katie is going to be there.” Katie Rodgers had been their co-star on Space Pirates, playing Chris’ first officer and potential love interest -- until being tragically killed off at the end of the first season.

  “And two, despite this not being a paying gig; it is a golden opportunity to put our big, gay love out there to the general public.”

  Chris’ blue eyes narrowed speculatively. “The ‘Butt Pirates’ article wasn’t enough for you?”

  Dante scoffed, “That was just laying the groundwork for our big reveal.”

  He reached out and cupped Chris’ chin tenderly in his hand, “Friday will be our pièce de résistance. Just think, Chris, all our most devoted fans will be there to witness our coming out. It’s going to be awesome!”

  “Awesome wouldn’t be the word I’d use, Dante.”

  “And what word would you use?” Dante’s hand dropped.

  Chris’ lips twisted into a cynical smile. “Scary.” Dante started to speak, but Chris shook his head indicating he should remain silent. “You’ve met our fans before, right? The same ones whose Save Our Show campaign included sending network executives a shit ton of chocolate doubloons to convince them to renew us for a second season.”

  “It was cute!” Dante protested. “Doubloons. Pirates.” He chuckled at the memory.

  “But the candy overwhelmed the network mailroom...and during transit the chocolate melted. It clogged up the postal machines. The network begged the fans to stop. It was a nightmare,” Chris insisted.

  Dante placed his hands belligerently on his hips, “Way to be a Debbie Downer, Christopher. Our fans are wonderful. That campaign made all the trades, including Variety! It saved our asses from being canceled.” Dante arched an eyebrow. “If I recall, you bought your big-ass American SUV with the money we got from the second season.”

  Chris ignored the dig about his car. “Yes, I love our fans, too. But they’re a little...obsessed. So, going to an autograph signing and pretending to be boyfriends right in front of them is like waving a meat at a starving pack of wolves.”

  “I disagree. I think they’ll be so supportive.” Dante grabbed Chris’ hand and pulled him in close and said fervently, “Just think, we’ll be making all those McBride/T’ger fans dreams come true. It’s fan fiction come to life!”

  Gathering Chris into his arms, he held him snugly as the other man twisted and arched his body, seeking to get free.

  “Don’t fight it, baby. You know our love cannot be denied,” Dante whispered, his breath hot against Chris’ ear. “Just give in, Chris. You know you want this!” He gave that cute ear a lick to prove his point.

  “Ugh. Let me go, you jerk. No wonder you can’t keep a boyfriend if this is your best seduction technique.”

  “I’ll have you know that my seduction techniques are absolutely legendary. Legend-ary,” Dante sing-song
ed. “Men weep after I’ve had my way with them!”

  Chris coughed and said under his breath, “Probably. But not for the reasons you think.”

  Dante gasped in mock horror. “I’ll show you. You non-believer.” He pulled Chris toward him and planted a wet, sloppy kiss on his lips.

  He’d only meant it as a joke -- just a quick peck -- but he was caught by the fullness of his friend’s lips. Instead of pulling away quickly the way he’d planned, Dante found himself tilting his head to press his mouth harder against Chris’ lips, drawn in by their softness. This continued for a moment until Chris planted his palms against Dante’s chest and pushed him away.

  “What the hell was that?”

  “Damn, I guess my technique does need some work if you couldn’t tell that was a kiss.” Dante joked.

  “I know it was a kiss. What I want to know is why?”

  “Uh, because you’re pretty kissable? I don’t know. I was kidding. What’s the big deal?” Despite the fact his lips still tingled, Dante wouldn’t let Chris know how much their kiss affected him.

  “You do remember that this is just pretend, right?”

  “Wait, you’re okay with me groping you in public, but no kissy-kissy in private?”

  “The groping was for show. An act for the cameras that weren’t there. Kissing is...different.”

  “How so? We kiss strangers all the time on camera,” Dante said. He put his hands on his hips, daring Chris to debate that!

  Chris avoided his eyes and retorted, “It just is.”

  “Oh, there’s a brilliant argument!” Dante said, his voice laced with heavy sarcasm.

  “Kissing is, you know, romantic and intimate.”

  “Really? You kiss your mother and it’s romantic? Damn, dude, you have issues.”

  “That isn’t what I meant, and you know it.”

  Dante shrugged. “You said kissing is romantic. You didn’t specify any certain kiss, so I must assume that you find all kisses romantic. Unless-”

  He didn’t say anything else.

  “Unless what!” Chris exclaimed.

  “Unless it’s just my kisses you find romantic.”

  Chris squawked, waved his hands in the air in frustration. “Dante Moretti, you are the most self-absorbed person I’ve ever met!”

  “I’m an actor, of course I’m self-absorbed.” Then Dante paused dramatically and moved in for the kill, crowding Chris against the kitchen counter. “But wait, you’re an actor, too. So maybe we’re both narcissists. Mmmm. Makes you wonder.”

  “You’re delusional. I’m the least self-obsessed actor I know. For example, I don’t take forever to do my hair just to run to the grocery store. Unlike some people.” He eyed Dante up and down in accusation.

  It was Dante’s turn to sputter. “Just because I take the time to look nice when I walk out the door, because who knows when a photo op might present itself-”

  “A photo op,” Chris retorted contemptuously. “Your Honor, I rest my case!”

  Irritated by Chris’ mocking tone, Dante replied. “Hey, hey. I’m not done yet, Judge Judy.”

  “Of course, you’re not done. Please continue.” Chris’ lips puckered with annoyance, and suddenly Dante wanted to kiss Chris again to see that face turn from infuriation to pleasure. Apparently fighting with the other man was a turn-on. Who knew?

  Pushing the thought aside of how he’d like to bend Chris over his kitchen table and fuck the smart-ass out of him, Dante said. “As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted. I like to look nice when I leave the house. Just because you favor the I-just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-shop-at-Goodwill-hobo-look, doesn’t mean we all have to dress that way.”

  Chris’ eyes flashed imperiously. “I do not dress like a hobo, you hipster sycophant!”

  “Hobo. Hobo. Ho-”

  Chris’ lips shut him up.

  He went still as a stone as the kiss sent the pit of his stomach into a wild swirl. Chris dove into his mouth, forcing Dante’s lips open with a thrust of his tongue. Dante’s brain short-circuited and his senses reeled. This kiss was no joke; there was no playful teasing this time. It was hot, scorching and filled with intent like the soldering heat that joined metals. Dante wrapped his arms around Chris’ hips and kissed him back until he couldn’t remember his name, much less the argument they’d been having.

  Eventually, Chris raised his mouth from Dante’s, and they gazed into each other’s eyes. Chris broke the deafening silence first.

  “I couldn’t think of any other way to shut you up.” Huskiness lingered in his tone.

  Dante experienced a gauntlet of perplexing emotions. First, he swam through a haze of feelings and desires. While he’d always found Chris attractive, undeniably so, he’d placed Chris in the ‘friend’ category from the moment they met. Safer that way. Dante stopped trying to convert straight boys his first year of college. It was easier on his heart when they eventually went back to women after experimenting with him.

  Second, and more importantly, he wanted to pull Chris back into his arms and kiss him until they were both hard and ready to come.

  Taking a deep breath, Dante reluctantly withdrew his arms from around Chris and stepped out of his warm embrace.

  His heart hammered. He needed to escape from Chris’ disturbing presence. Awkwardly, he cleared his throat. “Game, point, match to Mr. Parker. I am speechless. You win.”

  He turned and left before he did something completely stupid.

  Chapter Five

  As Chris sat dumbfounded in Dante’s kitchen, his lips still moist from their kiss. He wondered where his friend had gone. Normally Dante loved to banter. Their back and forth had been a staple of their Space Pirates’ characters popularity. That repartee had spilled over into their real lives, and Chris couldn’t think of another person who ‘got’ him the way Dane did.

  He glanced down to see Pirate laying dutifully by his feet and asked the dog, “So, where do you think Daddy’s run off to?”

  Pirate snorted and rolled over on his back for belly rubs and Chris leaned down to obey. He wasn’t sure who was the master in this relationship, but when Pirate’s sad brown eye looked up at him, Chris’ heart melted.

  “I think kissing your Dad wasn’t one of my more stellar ideas there, buddy. I’ve run him off.”

  Chris had expected Dante to blow it off like a joke gone really, really wrong. But Chris had gotten so caught up in the moment, and when he’d felt Dante’s hard body against his, all rational thought had left his brain and headed south.

  Scratching the dog’s head, Chris sighed. “I think I really fucked up, Pirate.”

  An hour later, after Chris had eaten an entire bag of Doritos and taken Pirate on a long walk around the block, he checked his phone.

  No texts or calls from Dante.

  He turned on the TV in the living room and started a marathon of CSI: Las Vegas, which then morphed into CSI: Miami. Four episodes in, Chris glanced at his watch and saw how late it was getting. Normally, Dante and he cooked dinner together around this time. Separately they were shit cooks, but together they could usually pull off an edible meal. Pirate was fed, walked, and now snored in the corner of the room on his luxurious dog bed Dante had insisted on buying. His belly was full and his body tired. If only Chris could relax like Pirate.

  He checked his phone for the fifteenth time and saw Dante had posted on his Instagram account. The picture of the Santa Monica Pier brought back memories of when they’d first met. Chris trying to prove himself on set as not another failed child actor and Dante just trying to prove he could be an actor. He remembered what Dante had said that day about the Pier on the set of Space Pirates.

  Flashback

  “You know, my family said I’d never make it an actor. That Hollywood would eat me up and spit me out.” He looked at Chris as they sat in Chris’ upgraded trailer, eating the lunch Craft Services had provided. “I can’t screw this up, Chris. I can’t go crawling home to my dad, a failure.”

&nbs
p; Chris had put his hand on Dante’s arm reassuringly. “You’re not going to fuck this up. You’re doing amazing. For someone who’s only done extra work-”

  “And an episode of CSI: Miami.” Dante interrupted.

  Chris held his grin in. “Yes, how could I forget your award-winning episode of that show?”

  Dante glared.

  Chris continued, “As I was saying, you are doing a great job. You're hitting your marks, delivering your lines and being a professional. I would have never known this is your first starring role. Truly.”

  “Have I thanked you lately for helping me through all of this?” Dante gestured around the room. “I’d have been lost without you, Chris.”

  “Nonsense,” Chris argued. “You just needed a few tips to get your footing, that’s all. I’m happy to help.”

  “Yeah, well, lots of other actors would have said to hell with the newbie and let me flail in the wind. You didn’t, and I’ll always appreciate that.”

  Chris smiled at his new co-star and hopefully, friend. “Maybe you can thank me when you win an Emmy?”

  Dante grinned. “An Emmy? Fuck that, I’m going to win an Oscar and you’ll be the first person I thank in my brilliant acceptance speech.”

  “Brilliant, huh?” Chris countered.

  “Absolutely fucking brilliant, Parker! The Academy voters will weep.” Dante wiped an imaginary tear away from his eye.

  Chris rolled his eyes. “I know there’s the power of positive thinking and then there’s complete and utter narcissism.” He paused for a minute. “I wonder which one is you?”

  Dante laughed. “Oooh, burn, Mr. Parker. Who knew under all that down-home farm boy persona lurked a sarcastic little shit? Did Walt Disney know about that before he hired you?”

  Chris sputtered. “Walt Disney had been dead many years before Double Trouble started.”