by Kim Nash
At 10.30 p.m., my eyes were drooping and I could hardly stay awake.
‘Come on, mate, let’s get you out in the garden.’
He peered at me from under his furry eyebrows. He sighed and jumped down and had a big stretch before following me out to the back garden. I felt rather ridiculous standing in the garden trying to whisper loudly, ‘Come on, Norman, do a wee!’
I heard a giggle from the garden next door.
‘Night, Nellie-bum. Night, Norman. Sweet dreams.’
‘Night, Jack.’
* * *
Soft whines woke me and, as I came to, it took me a while to work out where I was and what the noise was. I dragged myself out of bed and there on the landing was Norman, sitting impatiently outside Aunty Lil’s bedroom door. He looked up at me, and I nodded before I opened the door wider to let him in. He jumped straight onto the bed and curled up. I opened the balcony doors to let in some fresh air and could immediately hear the seagulls which made me smile. What a lovely reminder that I was so close to the sea. I sat next to him and he let me stroke his head.
‘I’m sorry she’s gone too, pal. There was so much I should have said to her.’
Looking around the room, Aunty Lil was everywhere, from her dressing gown hanging on a hook on the back of the door, to her perfume and hairbrush on the dresser. I wandered over and picked up the scarf that was hanging over the back of the chaise-longue and held it to my nose, breathing her in. I hadn’t smelt that smell for twenty years but it smelt oh-so familiar.
Oh Aunty Lil, I wish I’d had the chance to see you. Why oh why didn’t I fight my mother and insist that I stay in touch? Why did I not think of getting in touch and not telling her? Would it really have been such a betrayal? Why was it always too late to do some of those very important things that you really should have done? The saying that life is too short was so true. I made a pact with myself to make my life matter and to do the things that I wanted to do, while I had the chance. Who knew what tomorrow would bring?
‘Come on, Norman, let’s go and put the kettle on.’
As we walked through the hall I noticed that the time on the grandfather clock was 8 a.m. I slept well here. Norman had to be bursting to go out. I let him out and made a cuppa and decided that I was going to drink it outside. One of my many wonderful memories of my visits was Aunty Lil and I having a cup of tea in the garden first thing in the morning. We’d sit and chat on the swingy bench, with a blanket over our knees and put the world to rights before the breakfast. On the weekends we’d have a bacon sandwich or bacon and eggs and I’d cut the fat up into tiny pieces and throw them out onto the lawn, and before I’d even got back in the kitchen the seagulls would swoop down as if they’d been lying in wait and had never been fed.
The air felt so different here. It certainly smelt different from the busy polluted town that I came from. My phone vibrated in my dressing-gown pocket. I was delighted to see Shivani’s name flash up.
‘Morning, gorgeous, how are you? How’s that beautiful seaside life going?’
‘Oh, Shivani, you have to come and stay as soon as you can. It’s glorious. I feel relaxed and at peace with the world. The pace is so different to back home. When can you come?’
‘Not for a while, I’m afraid. While it’s lovely to have been made an aunty again, it means that my sister’s absence in the company business is really felt and it’s all down to me. Don’t tell anyone I told you, but I’m absolutely loving working with everyone here. I wish I’d done it years ago.’
‘I’m really happy for you, mate, but I do miss you.’
‘I miss you too, sweets, but if you say it again I’ll cry, so amuse me and tell me what you’ve been up to.’
A little yap prompted the next half hour’s conversation. I told her all about our jaunt out yesterday afternoon and how I was the proud owner of Norman the poodle.
‘Oh my God! He’s not one of those ridiculous-looking poodles that get shaved in some places and just have weird-shaped bits everywhere else is he?’
‘No, thank goodness he’s not. His coat is quite long and curly so he’s just a big fluff ball. I’ll send you a pic. Anyway, I’m going to have to go soon because I’m going out for breakfast with Jack.’
‘Are you going on a date, you dark horse? You’ve only just got there. You’re a quick worker.’
I giggled and lowered my voice and hoped that there was no-one in their garden. ‘No, don’t be daft. Jack was my best friend from years ago and we’re just getting re-acquainted.’
‘Mmm, I bet you are, you old slapper! What’s he like?’
I laughed at her turn of phrase. ‘He’s tall and rugged, I suppose you’d call him. Looks like he works out. He’s got dark-blond hair that he wears gelled back and sometimes it flops over his big blue eyes. He’s got dimples and a cheeky grin that makes you want to smile back at him. He’s got a short tidy beard that’s more fluffy than hard and he’s kind of cute, I suppose. If you like that sort of thing. He’s just Jack to me.’
‘Well he might be just Jack to you but the way you described him makes him sound fecking lush. My ovaries are twanging! Perhaps I will come down sooner than I thought. I think I need to check him out.’
I giggled. ‘Talking of which, I’d better go and get dressed before he turns up and I’m still sat here in my dressing gown. It’s so good to talk to you, Shivani. And I’ll say it quickly, but I do miss you. Speak soon. Love you.’
‘Right back at you, kiddo.’
Chapter Fifteen
Jack knocked on the door just before ten. Surprisingly, Norman and I were ready. It was a gloriously sunny day, so I’d chosen a pair of cut-off denim shorts, a vest top and a cardy, which I knew I could tie around my waist if I got too hot. Talking of hot, Jack was wearing a pair of designer trainers with long navy shorts and a tight royal blue t-shirt which showed off his well-toned abs and brought out the blue of his eyes. Not that I was looking that closely. I wondered if there were women who took their pets to the vet just to see him. The thought made me smile.
‘What are you thinking about, Nellie-bum?’
I shouted for Norman to come and put his lead on, unable to meet Jack’s eyes. I made a note to self: stop perving at Jack. Norman came running up to him, wagging his tail and jumping up excitedly. I wondered if I’d ever get that reaction.
‘How’s he doing?’ Jack asked.
‘I think he’s getting used to me. He’s not overly friendly, and I think he’s still struggling to work out where Aunty Lil is. When I came out of the shower earlier, I couldn’t find him anywhere obvious but he was lying on her bed.’
‘Aw mate. It’s a big change for you, isn’t it?’ Jack ruffled Norman’s ears. ‘He’ll be fine in time, I’m sure of it. You two ready?’
We crossed the road to the beach and at the top of the steps was another of the painted stones. I’d not noticed it the day before when I was with Dom. This one was painted pale-blue and pink and just had the word ‘belong’ on it, again in silver lettering. I smiled as I headed down the steps. I must have been dazzled by the sea the day before and completely missed it. Aunty Lil had been very busy.
It was still relatively quiet in the village, despite the glorious weather, and the beach was pretty much deserted. Jack said that it would be OK to let Norman off the lead. It was strange that Norman was my dog yet Jack knew more about him than I did. He filled me in some more on Norman’s likes and dislikes. I wondered if this was what it was like when you were a parent, and only had your children to talk about.
‘We do a dog social evening over at the vet’s every so often. The next one is the night after next. It’s more about the owners making friends than the dogs, to be honest, but it’s a really nice event. You should come along. They do group walks sometimes too. It’s all about socialising and educating. We talk about how to look after your dog and what to look out for when you are out and about. For example, if you see a dog on a lead, and yours isn’t, you should always ask the other owner
if they’d like you to put yours back on. Some dogs are a bit reactive to others, so it’s only polite. It’s all that sort of thing that we discuss. It’s really useful and you might pick up some good tips.’
I smiled both at his enthusiasm and his desire to teach me how to be a good dog owner.
‘Sorry, am I boring you?’ he asked. ‘I’m always talking about animals. I must be so dull.’
‘It’s clearly your passion Jack. Tell me more about the practice.’
He went into lots of detail about his business. It was so lovely to hear him talk with such pride. He clearly loved what he did and it seemed the perfect vocation for him. I could listen to him talk about it forever.
‘Jack! Where’s Norman?’ I held my hand up as the sun was blinding me. My eyes darted to the shore line and back down the promenade. My voice became an octave higher. ‘Jack, I can’t see him anywhere.’
‘Don’t panic. I know exactly where he’ll be.’
And just as he predicted, the little bundle of fluff was sitting right outside beach hut number 136.
‘Oh Norman, you clever boy.’ I tickled him behind his ears. He leaned into my hand. Was this progress?
‘Let’s come back later to the hut. Only if you want to, of course. I’m blooming starving. Shall we go and order breakfast?’ asked Jack.
‘What about Norman?’
‘Oh don’t worry about him. They love dogs in the café. And we can sit outside. He’ll be fine. Come on, son.’
Norman trotted along happily at our side.
* * *
‘Oh my god! I can’t eat anything ever again.’ I patted my tummy. ‘I’m the fullest I’ve ever been in my life.’
‘They do a mighty fine breakfast here, don’t they? They don’t call them belly busters for nothing. And what better place could you wish to eat it, overlooking that.’ He swept his arm out to the view beyond. It really was stunning. The sea glittered under the sun’s rays and you could hear the gentle sound of the sea lapping the shore and the squawking of seagulls as they swooped down on any morsel of food they could steal.
The beach still wasn’t particularly busy, just a few families with toddlers in shorts and t-shirts, building sandcastles, and the odd person brave enough, or some might say daft enough, to dip their toes in the English Channel.
We’d chatted easily over breakfast, neither of us short of something to say. The years felt as if they had melted away and I felt so at ease in his company. He talked about his job and how he had eventually been made a partner in the practice. I thought it was a good opportunity to bring up Natalia.
‘So, Natalia seems, erm, nice?’
‘I don’t think she was particularly friendly towards you, to be honest. She’s got a heart of gold when you get to know her, but can have a harsh exterior. She’s great with the customers at the practice, though, and she keeps them coming back for me, so we all tend to pander to her a little bit.’
I suspected she wasn’t the only reason lots of customers made return visits. If I had a vet that looked like Jack and he was nice to my dog, I think I’d keep popping to the vet’s for the slightest of reasons. If the vet wasn’t Jack of course.
‘So, you and she?’ I asked.
‘Well, she wants it to be far more than it is, but I don’t really want to talk about her right now, Nellie-bum. We need to talk about you and your intentions. Have you had any time to think yet?’
‘I’ve done nothing but think. It just keeps going round and round in my head. Normally at around 4 a.m, hence the bags under my eyes.’
‘To be honest, I think you look even better than you did yesterday. Your cheeks are rosy, your eyes are sparkling and you have a glow about you. You look utterly beautiful.’
‘Ah you big smoothie.’ I batted his arm, even though my insides were a lot less calm than I was letting on.
I wondered if he really thought I was beautiful. I’d always thought I was quite plain, even though Shivani told me I had good bone structure. I was definitely very different to Natalia with all that make-up, false eyelashes and fake tan. God it must have taken her ages to go to bed at night. But that was obviously what Jack liked in a woman, even though he didn’t want to talk about her. I just had to keep reminding myself that he was just being friendly with me and that Natalia was his girlfriend, even if he didn’t seem to want to admit it for some reason. Perhaps he was hedging his bets. There were some men who did that. Perhaps he wasn’t telling me the truth. Natalia was under the impression they were engaged. Even though we shared a history, I really didn’t know Jack as a man. He might not be the person I wanted him to be. People change a lot over the years and if he was a partner in a practice, he surely had some drive and determination, maybe a little womanising too. Looking like he did, he must have had women fawning over him every day.
Perhaps, however, I would go along to the next dog socialising session that he mentioned. It wouldn’t do any harm to make some local friends, even though I wasn’t sure if I was going to stay or go back to the Midlands. It was always good to meet new people. I used to make a real effort to mix with people before I met Callum and became quite insular. I could go back to being more open.
‘Earth to Nellie-bum. Did you hear what I said?’
‘Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, I was in a little world of my own.’
He laughed. Callum used to hate it when I let my mind wander and would get really narked with me.
‘I said, shall we have a walk around the quay? Then we could go back and have a cuppa in the beach hut. I’ve got no work today, do you have any plans at all?’
‘Apart from thinking about my future, I suppose not. And I could really do with walking off that huge breakfast. Come on, Norman, are you ready?’
It amazed me how a dog could go from fast asleep to full-on excitable mode within just a few seconds. I wished I had that energy. Despite Jack saying that I looked glowing, and while the sea air and the pace of life suited me, I really did feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and some huge decisions to make.
‘Maybe it’ll help to talk through everything. I’m a good listener.’
‘I’m sure you are. It would help, actually, thank you.’
He grinned at me. My tummy flipped. I really needed to stop this happening.
Going over all the options I had gave me an instant headache. I hoped that walking and talking would help me to find some answers. And walking next to Jack would at least mean that I could avoid getting lost in those gorgeous eyes.
After hearing me out, Jack said, ‘No wonder your mind is blown. If it counts, I would like to say that nothing would make me happier than if you were around permanently, Nellie-bum. It’s been so great having you here these last few days, and erm… well… my days have been brighter since you’ve been in them.’ He bumped shoulders with me and grinned. His face was definitely showing signs of flushing. ‘Don’t tell anyone I said that though. I’m a rufty-tufty rugby-playing vet. Don’t want anyone thinking I’m a big softy now, do I?’
When he smiled at me, it made me smile. I loved that he could do that and I realised that since I’d been spending time with him I’d smiled way more than I ever did back home. Perhaps it was because I wasn’t in a job I didn’t love anymore and that I didn’t have anyone depending on me. Well, apart from Norman, of course, who was merrily trotting ahead of us on the promenade. Or perhaps it was because Jack still had the ability to make my heart flutter and give me butterflies in my belly, and that despite telling myself I had to control my feelings, I adored spending time in his company.
I knew it was wrong because of his relationship with Natalia, and for that it felt bittersweet, but I couldn’t help myself. I didn’t know whether it was because we had so much history and that at a time that I was experiencing grief, it was raking it all up again, or whether this was something new and there really was something between us. All I knew was that it felt as if there was a magnetic pull between us. And I was pretty sure I could do absolutel
y nothing about it.
Chapter Sixteen
Shamefully, for the rest of the day, I did manage to put Natalia to the back of my mind. After stopping off at the beach hut, where Norman had a snooze and Jack and I had coffee after coffee and talked some more, we walked for miles and miles. Before I knew it, Jack suggested he walk me home in the early evening. Val had waved at me from her lounge window as we walked past their house.
A shiver had run down my spine as his lips gently brushed my cheek and as he’d walked away I’d touched the spot where heat radiated from my face. As a young girl, I’d longed for him to do that so many times. There had been a few heated moments when I thought he might kiss me, but it hadn’t led to much until that last night. We were both young and I didn’t know if he knew how I felt. I didn’t know if he would even want to know how I felt and I certainly didn’t want to do anything to jeopardise our relationship. It was safest just being the best mates that we could possibly be.
We’d talked a lot about what had happened after I left Muddleford, although that last night was never mentioned. I wondered if he’d even remembered that it happened. He’d had no idea of what Mum and I had gone through and I’d hoped that sharing some of it with him would make him realise that I hadn’t abandoned him like he’d thought I had. That I’d had no choice.
Raking up those memories stirred up lots of emotion within me and as I sat in the garden room in Aunty Lil’s house, looking over the back garden in the evening light, more recollections came flooding back.
When Mum and I left Muddleford firmly behind us, I grieved for months. Not only had we moved from our home and Dad had moved on in his life, but we also broke contact with Aunty Lil and everything we knew in the part of the world that had become my sanctuary while Mum and Dad were going through their incredibly rocky patch.