by Kim Nash
‘I’m sure if he’d have wanted to, he would’ve. Now please go downstairs.’
I pressed my back against the bedroom door and waited for my heartbeat to slow down. He had scared the living daylights out of me. I was so glad Norman had been here to warn me that something was going on. I was intrigued to know what the hell Callum was doing in my house. Our house, I supposed. I threw on a pair of jogging bottoms and a vest top and scraped my hair back into a ponytail. This outfit definitely didn’t bring me joy, but right now I didn’t really care what I looked like. Callum had already dumped me once, so it wasn’t like I was trying to make a good impression on him.
* * *
By the time I got downstairs Callum had made himself comfortable with a cup of coffee and my packet of biscuits. Cheeky git.
‘Make yourself at home why don’t you?’
‘Thanks. I did.’ He seemed to miss my sarcasm. ‘You’re looking good, Nell. Got a bit of colour on you. It suits you.’
‘What are you doing here, Callum? You left, remember?’
‘I did and I realised that I made a huge mistake, Nell. It’s not what I want. I want you. I’ve decided.’
Well I wasn’t expecting that!
‘Why do you want me, Callum?’
‘We go together, like strawberries and cream. Like salt and pepper. Like Kanye and Kim.’ His last choice of pairing made me laugh as I was sure they were in the process of splitting up.
‘But you left, Callum.’
‘But now I’m back.’ He smiled and patted the seat beside me. ‘I want us to go back to where we were. I just got cold feet. Pre-wedding jitters. This is where I belong. I do have to ask though, why are you looking after a dog?’
Norman hadn’t moved from my side while Callum had been speaking. Callum moved to reach out to him and Norman growled. Callum retracted his hand pretty quickly.
‘I’m going to make a drink. I presume you didn’t make me one?’ I looked at his mug on the table.
‘No, sorry. I never thought, but if you’re making one, I could manage another, thanks.’ He held his cup up and smiled.
I went to take it from him but then remembered what he’d put me through and pulled away walking out of the room. I stood in the kitchen, which before we’d been to the park, was immaculate. Now, there were tea stains all over the counter, a spent teabag left on the side of the sink, the milk hadn’t been put back in the fridge and the cupboard door where the cups were kept, was half open. I’d forgotten what a messy person Callum was in the kitchen. He insisted on everywhere else being perfect but the kitchen in his eyes was my domain.
I realised I still hadn’t answered his question about the dog, but also that I didn’t actually owe him an explanation anyway. Old habits were hard to break. But just what the hell did he think he was playing at? And more than that, what on earth was I meant to do?
Chapter Twenty-Five
Come on, Nellie. You’ve got this. After a deep breath, I took my cup of tea through to the lounge and sat in the armchair opposite Callum, observing him over the top of my cup as I sipped at the drink. I wasn’t going to admit that it was roasting hot and burning my tongue. I needed to show him my cool, calm exterior and let him do the talking. He didn’t comment that I hadn’t made him one.
‘So I was thinking I could grab all my stuff from Pete’s, where I’ve been staying, and move back in this afternoon. We could have a Chinese and a bottle of wine tonight to celebrate and maybe have a little snuggle up on the sofa and see what comes up.’ He winked at me and grinned.
I used to love that face. I really did. It was amazing how much you can love someone one minute and the next your feelings have changed so dramatically. Hurt can do that to you.
I couldn’t believe that just a short time ago I was going to marry this man. He’d meant the world to me. But then he’d thought nothing of hurting me so much by going behind my back with someone else and then leaving me to be with her. Yet right now he thought he could walk back into my life, just as easily as he’d walked out.
‘After all,’ he went on. ‘I don’t suppose you’ve got round to finding a lodger, taking my name off the rental documents or rented something else yet. Admin never really was your strong point was it? My darling.’ Those two words were a complete afterthought and he smiled sweetly.
I wanted to slap his face. Cheeky bastard. Had I really been planning to spend the rest of my life with him? What was I thinking? Or was I just still annoyed with him? God it was hard to work through your emotions when they were all over the place. I felt like I was on a real rollercoaster and didn’t know how to get off.
‘Come on, babe. We were so good together. Weren’t we?’
I thought back to the day I came home and found him leaving me. He didn’t say we were good together then. He said that we were mismatched and wanted different things in life. He’d clearly wanted someone different which is why he’d been off shagging Saskia behind my back.
He stood and walked over to me and perched on the arm of my chair, draping his arm around my shoulders. My skin felt like a million ants were crawling all over it. He tickled the back of my neck, I think mistaking my shiver for ecstasy. All I could think of right now was smacking his hand away in anger. I didn’t want him touching me.
I eased myself away from him and stood over him. How dare he think he can just wander back in here when it suited him.
‘No!’
‘Sorry. What do you mean “no”? Would you rather we have Indian instead of Chinese?’
‘It’s not the food, Callum. It’s you. You hurt me. You left me with no warning. You told me you didn’t want to marry me any more. You said you didn’t love me.’
‘Yeah, I know, but I didn’t mean it. Like I said, it was just cold feet. I’ve got it all out of my system now and I know it’s you I want.’
‘But perhaps now I don’t want you.’
He laughed. ‘But you love me, Nell. You didn’t want me to leave. You said so. You begged me to stay.’
‘But despite all that you still left, Callum.’
‘And now I’m back.’
I moved across to the settee that he’d vacated. I just couldn’t sit near him right now. It was all too confusing.
‘What about Saskia?’
‘What about Saskia? She couldn’t match up to you. I missed you every day. She was just a diversion. I came to my senses. She meant nothing to me. I really do mean that, Nell. You have to believe me.’
‘And now you think it’s OK to just come walking back in here and pick up where you left off? Is that what you think happens in a situation like this?’
‘I know you’re pissed with me, Nell, but we can get through this. We really can. Please just give me a chance. Let me make it up to you.’ He looked at me and fluttered his long lashes.
I used to love those eyes. Did I still? An image of Jack flashed into my mind. My gorgeous Jack. I felt a stabbing pain in my stomach. Jack didn’t want me. He’d let me down. He had Natalia. There was no chance for us and I had to accept that.
I’d spent all my life trying to work out what more I could do to make people love me, to work out what I’d done wrong. Why didn’t Mum love me enough to stop drinking? Why did Dad walk out of our lives and never come back? Even Aunty Lil became a distant memory. And then, to top the lot, good-hearted, kind and wonderful Jack didn’t want me. What did I have to change to be the person they needed me to be so they would love me?
Yet here was Callum, offering me a life with him again.
When I met Callum, I believed he did truly love me. We fitted together and muddled along well. It worked. When we discussed marriage, it might not have been the big romantic proposal I’d dreamt of since I was a little girl, more of a ‘suppose we should get married’ type of statement, but I thought that it was OK and that we’d be together forever. I felt that finally I belonged somewhere. I’m not saying it was perfect. Far from it, as I’d realised having been thinking back for the last few days. And
then he left me too.
However, right now, he was the only one here. And the only one with anything to offer. Wouldn’t being with someone be better than being alone? Did I give us another chance? Could we make it work again? Could I forgive what he’d done to me? So many questions spinning inside my head.
He could tell that I was wavering.
‘We don’t have to go ahead with the wedding plans. Just put everything on hold.’
‘Most of the things have been cancelled anyway.’
‘Well there you go then. We won’t have that pressure hanging over us any more.’
Getting married shouldn’t feel like a pressure, surely. Shouldn’t it feel like the best feeling in the world? You were going to marry your soul mate and vow to each other to be together forever. Not just until the next Saskia came along. I couldn’t seem to get that out of my head. It felt like it was going to explode.
‘I don’t have a job any more.’
‘We can sort everything out, babe. You and me. What do you say?’
He clearly didn’t know about my recent windfall. I was glad. As far as I was aware, only Shivani and her family knew. There shouldn’t be any other way that he would have found out. If we did try again, I wanted to make sure it was because he wanted me.
‘Now that we don’t have the wedding going ahead, we don’t have to be saving money and we can go and do fun things together.’
‘What sort of things, Callum? What things do you want to do now, that you didn’t want to do with me before? You used to say that we were two people in a relationship and living in a house, but that we didn’t need to be “joined at the hip” I think your actual words were. Why all of a sudden do you want us to do things together? What do you think we didn’t do before, that could make everything better now?’
‘We could go out to bars, nightclubs, have fun.’
Did he know me at all? Going to a loud bar or a club, with booming music so loud you can’t hear yourself speak, was my worst nightmare. Not my thing at all. I pulled a face.
‘Maybe go out for more meals together. We spent so long saving up for the wedding, we rarely went out to eat.’
Now that I could cope with. A nice restaurant from time to time would be good.
‘I could get you trying out some extreme sports, maybe go on an action holiday together. In fact, did you even cancel the honeymoon? Perhaps we could still go.’ His little face lit up.
‘I cancelled it. We had to cancel by a certain time so we didn’t have to pay it in full. You told me you didn’t want to go. Remember? When I suggested we still go to Barbados, you told me you didn’t love me any more.’ That little nugget of hurt had clearly slipped his mind.
‘I’m sorry, Nell. I truly am. Let me make it up to you. Please? I love you. Don’t throw it all away.’
Did he mean it? Should I trust him again?
‘But I’m not the one who would be throwing it all away, Callum. You already did.’
‘I know and I’m a fool. But you loved me. Didn’t you? We were good together, weren’t we?’ He ran his finger down my cheek. ‘I’ve missed you.’
All of a sudden, the room started to spin, and I felt light-headed. I needed some air.
‘I need a minute!’ I rushed out of the room and made my way to the downstairs loo, where I took some deep breaths and I felt a little less panicked. This was just all too much for me right now. It was blowing my mind!
I grabbed a cardigan from the bottom of the stairs. It was one of Aunty Lil’s that I’d brought with me. For an old lady, she wore some pretty fabulous clothes. I wrapped it around my shoulders and shivered. I felt cloaked in warmth and love and shoved my hands in the pockets for extra comfort. I felt something beneath my fingers and there was a small piece of card. On it there was a beautiful picture of colourful flowers and the words: ‘It’s better to regret something you’ve done, than not try in the first place.’ Very apt for the moment. Was it a sign? Oh, Nell, don’t be ridiculous. I twirled the card around in my fingers and noticed a message on the other side too which said, ‘Trust your instincts.’
I opened the back door and breathed in the fresh air but left it open. The house felt stifling.
I heard the low vibration of a voice from the lounge. The door was slightly ajar, and I could see that Callum was on the phone. His voice was low but I could catch snippets.
I heard him say, ‘It’s just a matter of time, mate. I’m pretty sure I’ll be sleeping here tonight with all my things back in place. Thanks for putting me up, mate. I can’t believe that bloody bitch Saskia dumped me.’
I gasped.
‘It’s all worked out perfectly, to be honest. She’s inherited all that money and property and I need somewhere to live. Bingo! And I just have to be nice for a bit and get my feet back under the table before I can start to relax again. Although the dozy mare has cancelled the holiday to Barbados so it doesn’t look like I’ll be going there after all. Shame! I was looking forward to that and pretty confident she wouldn’t have cancelled it so soon. Perhaps she had given up on me after all.’ He laughed quietly. ‘Cheers, mate. Thanks for everything.’
I tiptoed back into the kitchen so he hadn’t guessed that I’d heard everything and made a big deal of coughing as I walked down the hallway back into the lounge.
Norman appeared by my side and right on cue, as we went into the lounge, before I could say any more, he started to bark. Not at anything in particular, but just to get my attention.
‘And what is that bloody mutt doing in my house?’
‘This is not your house any more. You left. This is Norman and he’s mine. And he’s not a mutt.’
‘You know I’m allergic to dogs.’
‘Well you weren’t here.’
‘But I’m here now.’ He pouted. That was the face he knew used to get him his own way every time. ‘You know I never wanted a dog.’
‘Like I said, you weren’t here. You left me. Remember?’
‘I’m back though now, Nell, and I think you need to make a choice. It’s the dog or me.’
Chapter Twenty-Six
A cold, wet nose on my face woke me. I rolled over. A paw on my back, gave me a gentle nudge. I put the pillow over my head. A little whine was the last straw.
‘OK, OK I’m getting up.’
I grabbed the robe from the bottom of my bed and glanced out the window. The weather looked grey and drizzly. I missed the sunshine. And the sea air. Every day that I’d woken up in Muddleford, the sun had shone through my bedroom window and I had got up and opened the balcony windows. Once I’d let Norman out and made a cuppa, we’d take it back up to bed and I’d sit and read for a bit, or sometimes I just gazed out at that amazing view. Seeing the sea filled my soul with joy. I remembered Aunty Lil teaching me a quote by Jacques Cousteau and those words came back to me now. ‘The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever.’ I felt a pang to be back in Muddleford. Not in drizzly damp Staffordshire.
I opened the back door to let Norman into the yard. He didn’t look too keen and I couldn’t say I blamed him.
‘Go on! Out you go.’
He slunk out and it took him two seconds to have a wee and come back in again. His favourite new pastime was piddling up my stunning lavender bush that I’d been cultivating for the last three years. Earlier this year it came out in its full gorgeous purple glory, the glorious perfume permeating the air as soon as the door was opened. I had been immensely proud of it. Now the majority of it was brown and definitely dead and that was from just a couple of days of wee.
I looked up at the sky. The clouds looked full of rain and I didn’t relish going out in it. But that was the thing about having a dog. You had to go out whether you liked it or not. They didn’t ask much of you apart from at least one walk a day, some food and clean water, which wasn’t much really.
We did go back up to bed, but Norman was restless and the room was dark and didn’t feel right.
I knocked on the door
of the spare room and received a grunt in return and a shuffling sound getting nearer to the door. Callum appeared in a pair of boxer shorts. He stank of alcohol. It was a smell I hated. Callum used to say I was boring and that I should drink more and loosen up but I wasn’t a big drinker. I’d seen the damage it could do to you first-hand. After Mum died, I didn’t touch the stuff for years, but then as time went on I did partake in the odd glass, maybe two, but that was my limit on a normal night unless Shivani was in the vicinity and I seemed to throw caution to the wind.
I looked at Callum, his hair stuck up all over the place, and I’d definitely seen him looking better. After I’d confronted him the day before when he came off the phone, he broke down and confessed everything. I actually felt so sorry for him, when he said that he had nowhere else to go, that I said he could stay for a few days in the spare room. There was no way he was getting back into my bed. And he was told in no uncertain terms that Norman was going nowhere.
I hadn’t slept well but had come to some very big decisions the night before. Callum promised to keep out of my way as much as possible, and once I’d spoken to Shivani I’d tell him of my plans.
* * *
When Shivani came to the house late on Saturday morning to pick me up for lunch, she had the surprise of her life when Callum answered the door to her. Fury flooded through her veins as she grabbed me by the elbow and dragged me into the lounge.
‘Nell, what the fuck are you thinking about, taking him back after all he’s done?’
I held my palm up to her. ‘Stop right there. I haven’t taken him back. I’ve just given him somewhere to stay. Do you really think I’m that soft?’
She raised her eyebrows. ‘Oh. OK then. Tell me how you got to this point.’
‘Come on, let’s go out, I don’t want to do it here.’ I patted Norman on the head and told him to go lie down and Shivani and I walked to the car and I drove us to our favourite local Italian restaurant.
I didn’t mind leaving Norman with Callum for a couple of hours. They were tolerating each other, and even though Callum had the constant sneezes around Norman, he spent so much time in the spare room it didn’t affect him as much as he had originally thought. To be honest, as I did say to him, he had two choices too and certainly could find somewhere else to stay if he wasn’t happy.