A Touch Bittersweet

by Carter Ashby

  He inhaled slowly, let out the breath slowly. Things like this confused him. That was always the power Frank had over him. Logan thought things were one way, then Frank came along and told him he was wrong—that things were, indeed, a completely different way. And then Logan had to choose whether to believe himself or Frank. It should be an easy choice. Why believe someone who had an agenda against you? But it wasn’t easy at all. Because deep down, Logan believed Frank. After all, it was one thing not to like someone—quite another to tell them things like this to their face. If Frank was telling him that he was hurting people, it was probably true.

  He thought about Maggie going out with David right after making out with him. She must like David a lot. He was clearly the better choice for her. And Logan was definitely getting in the way of that.

  He thought about Nate and how attached the boy was becoming. How attached Logan was becoming. He’d already hurt him… How much worse was it going to get?

  He thought about Eleanor and the sadness in her eyes every time she looked at him. Had he ever been anything other than a burden to her?

  “I think deep down you agree with me,” Frank said.

  Logan couldn’t breathe anymore. He stared down at his feet.

  “You can live your life. Have a fresh start. Just not here.”

  Logan looked up into the eyes of a man he truly hated. “I got it.”

  Frank nodded. “Good. You want me to talk to your mother?”

  “I’ll talk to her myself.”

  “Great. And when are you leaving?”

  “I’m leaving when I’m leaving.”

  “Just so you understand, the longer you stay, the harder it gets on everyone.”

  Logan shook his head and walked off toward the barn. No one he wanted to see more, in this moment, than Wolf.

  He found the dog nosing in his empty food bowl. Logan poured some food in it, then sat next to Wolf as he ate. He felt like a scared kid. He wanted to run away like Nate had, last night. He wanted to hide and change his identity.

  You’re a grown, well-adjusted man, he told himself.

  There was no reason to be so affected by Frank. No reason to be afraid. He would just go back home to Montana, where people treated him with respect. Where he had friends who actually liked him.

  “Uncle Logan?”

  Logan had had his eyes closed. He opened them to see Nate standing there.

  “Mom said I could come down here. She said you kept Wolf after all, but that we would all have to talk about what to do with him.”

  Logan stood and stepped aside as Nate fell to his knees next to Wolf and hugged him. Wolf quit eating and licked Nate’s face.

  “I knew you’d never get rid of him,” Nate said. “But Mom made you say that stuff. I’m sorry for all the mean things I said to you.”

  “Nate, it’s not your fault. And your momma didn’t make me say those things. We were just trying to do what was best for you.”

  “Best is having Wolf here.”

  Logan sighed. He crouched next to Nate and rubbed Wolf’s ears. “We’ll talk about it. But I need to tell you something.”

  Nate looked up at him, hair a mess, eyes wide.

  “I’m not going to be here forever,” Logan said.

  Nate shrugged and petted Wolf. “Are you talking about dying? ’Cause I know everyone has to die. Even you.”

  Logan hesitated. He hadn’t worded it right, mainly because he didn’t want to. “I’m not talking about dying. I’m talking about—this isn’t my home. I live somewhere else.”

  Nate frowned up at him, this time giving his full attention.

  “I mean,” Logan said, clearing his throat. “I live in Montana. I was just down here visiting. I have to go back, soon.”

  Nate’s frown deepened. “How soon?”

  “Really soon.”

  “Like…tomorrow?”

  Logan swallowed. “Or the next day.”

  Nate’s face reddened. Tears welled in his eyes. He turned and buried his face in Wolf’s fur.

  Logan’s heart broke. “I’m sorry, buddy.”

  Nate stood and ran.

  After last night, Logan didn’t want Nate out of his sights. He jumped up and ran to the barn door, watching the boy run up the hill and back to his house. He watched until the back door opened and closed.

  He stood there long after. It felt wrong to stay and cause pain to the people he loved. But leaving felt wrong, too. The heartbreak in that boys’ eyes.

  He wanted to go to Frank and convince him. But convince him of what? Convince him to give Logan a chance to redeem himself? Frank had written him off years ago, way back when he was just a small child. There was no convincing him to change his mind.

  Still…it didn’t seem right, walking out on that boy. Or his momma.

  It didn’t seem right to cause himself so much pain. But maybe that was selfishness.

  Wolf nosed his way under Logan’s hand until Logan started scratching his ear. “You think I should stay?”

  Wolf didn’t answer. Logan closed his eyes and tried to picture packing up and heading back to Montana.

  Maggie held her sobbing son in her lap on the sofa, rocking as best she could. He was a big boy. Eight years old. Not a baby anymore, and yet still so fragile.

  “It’s okay, baby,” she said softly, fighting back her own tears. “You can still call him. Maybe FaceTime. Write to him.”

  “I thought he was my friend.”

  “He is, baby.”

  “Then why’s he leaving?”

  “Because this isn’t his home, sweetheart. He can’t stay here forever.”

  “Why not?”

  She sighed. Nate would never stop asking why. He’d ask why out of stubbornness because he didn’t like your answer the first five times. And she would never have an answer that could satisfy herself, let alone him. So, she stroked his hair and held him until he calmed down.

  “Did he say when he was leaving?” Maggie asked.

  “He said tomorrow or the next day.”

  She felt sick. And angry. Then back to sick again.

  What do I do? Write him off? Forget about him?

  Or do I fight for him?

  Trouble was, she didn’t really know what she was fighting. She knew she’d be fighting for him to stay, but against what?

  It was past time to get Logan’s story.

  She gave Nate one last squeeze. “Okay. Let’s pull ourselves together. We’re going to brunch at grandma and grandpa’s.”

  “We always eat over there,” Nate moaned.

  “We need to make the most of our time with Grandma, remember?”

  Nate sat up and dried his eyes. He nodded. A boy who’d lost his father understood what death meant.

  Maggie went to the kitchen and put the lids on two dishes she was bringing. She gathered her children, got their shoes on, and walked them across the yard to Frank and Eleanor’s house. Nate carried her pan of cinnamon rolls. She carried the breakfast casserole. The day was bright and cool, the leaves in full color. But there was a darkness off to the west that suggested rain in the near future. And an increasingly intense wind that left Maggie’s hair in tangles by the time she walked the kids in the house.

  She combed her fingers through her hair as best she could with one hand as all four of her little ones dispersed. Charlie’s kids were downstairs playing in the basement.

  “Gracie, help Levi please!” Maggie shouted as her fingers encountered a difficult tangle.

  Gracie rolled her eyes and back-tracked to take Levi by the hand and help him down the stairs. Charlie and Brandon were at the bar in the kitchen, visiting with Eleanor, who was preparing tea to go with brunch.

  Logan jogged down the stairs just in time to take the breakfast casserole out of Maggie’s hands and carry it to the kitchen.

  The sight of him, and the quick smile he flashed her, sent her heart racing. Her blood turned hot in her veins. She became ridiculously conscious of the space he occupie
d as he returned from the kitchen and made his way toward her. When at last he was standing in front of her, she realized she was way farther gone than she thought.

  “You okay?” he asked. “Your face is all red.”

  “It’s windy,” she said. And then she hugged him. Of all the things she wanted to do to him, hugging was the only one appropriate for the situation. So she hugged him tightly. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed her against him, lifting her to her toes.

  She turned her cheek against his jaw and her lips near his ear. “Stay,” she said.

  “Maggie,” he whispered and squeezed her.

  “I want you to stay.”

  “Maggie, please.”

  She pushed away from him. “Tell me why you think you have to leave. Then I’ll help you understand why you’re wrong.”

  He gave her a sweet, charming grin. “Such a Maggie thing to say.”

  “I’m serious.”

  His grin faded. “I just don’t belong here.”

  “I say you do.”

  “Now’s not the time to do this.”

  “Then let’s make time after brunch.”

  He nodded, then startled her by leaning down as though he was going to kiss her. He stopped short and lifted her hand to his lips, kissing her palm tenderly.

  Both of them should have beeen terribly concerned about being seen. But the children were in the basement, and the adults were in the kitchen in conversation. Surely a quick moment could go unnoticed.

  He finished kissing her palm, then folded her fingers closed in a fist. “To keep with you. For later.” He grinned before returning to the kitchen.

  Maggie held the kiss in her hand for a long moment. She took a deep breath to calm herself before making her way to the kitchen to join the rest of the family.

  Everyone seemed happy and pleasant, after last night’s scare. Nate got a few extra-long hugs from everyone. Eleanor even invited him to sit at the adult table for brunch, which turned out to be a colossal mistake.

  Nate sat on a stool between Logan and Maggie. He tore into a cinnamon roll and said, “Food’s better here than at the kid table.”

  This got a laugh.

  Maggie gave him a kiss on the cheek, which he largely ignored.

  “You’re a lucky kid,” Spencer said from across the table next to his girlfriend. “Nobody ever let me sit at the big table. I was stuck at the kid table until I was sixteen.”

  “At least you got to eat with the family,” Charlie said with a laugh. “Logan was always exiled to the kitchen bar.”

  Charlie dug into her hash browns without any hint of being aware of what she’d just said. Logan only paused eating a moment before recovering and going back to normal. It was Eleanor who put down her fork and went to the kitchen to refill her coffee cup. Maggie watched Eleanor’s back as she stood still in front of the coffeepot for a long moment.

  At last, she returned to the table, smile back in place.

  There was no warning for what came next. No lead-up. No way to steer the conversation a different direction. Everyone was eating and making small talk when out of nowhere, Nate turned to Logan and said, “I wish you didn’t have to leave. It’s not fair.”

  Logan froze, eyes locked on Nate’s.

  Maggie’s heart sank into her stomach. It should have occurred to her that Nate would say something. She didn’t know why it hadn’t, except that her mind had been fully occupied with her own grief. Once again, she’d been so self-absorbed she hadn’t thought about the big picture.

  “I’m sorry, bud,” Logan said.

  Nate stared up at him. “We could find you work, if you need a job.”

  Logan’s lips quirked up in an almost-grin.

  But Maggie only glanced at him. At the moment, she was most concerned with Eleanor, who had gone paler than usual.

  “When are you leaving?” Eleanor asked in a cold, neutral voice.

  The tone frightened Maggie. She’d never heard it before.

  Logan cleared his throat and turned to face her. “Tomorrow. I was going to talk to you—”

  Eleanor threw her napkin on the table, stood, and left down the hall. A door slammed a moment later.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” Charlie shouted.

  “She’s dying,” Spencer chimed in, “and you promised to be by her side the whole time.”

  Logan stared blankly at the center of the table while everyone yelled at him. Everyone, except Frank, who ate calmly. Once the yelling was done, Frank dabbed at the corners of his mouth with a napkin. “You all need to go easy on your brother. He’s got his own home and life up in Montana. Can’t ask him to stay here forever.”

  “Dad!” Charlie shouted. “It’s not forever. Nowhere even close. It’s until…it’s for as long as…” Charlie choked on her words and buried her face in her husband’s shoulder.

  “I’m really, really disappointed in you,” Spencer said.

  Logan’s gaze snapped up. “I’m just trying to do what’s best for her.”

  “Really? How’s it best for her oldest child to say goodbye to her forever? It’s not like, ‘goodbye, Mom, see you at Christmas.’ It’s forever, Logan.”

  “I didn’t think about it like that.”

  “I would hope not. What about how it’s going to affect all of us? Do you honestly think her health can withstand you abandoning her?”

  Logan looked genuinely upset. He started to speak, but Frank interrupted.

  “The boy’s mind’s made up,” Frank said. “I’m sure he has his reasons.”

  Logan looked at Frank.

  “What are they?” Spencer asked over Charlie’s sobs. “What possible reasons could he have?”

  Logan looked at Spencer.

  “He’s doing what’s best for the family,” Frank said.

  Logan looked like he was watching a tennis match. And then he stood and paced in front of the kitchen bar where he used to have to eat dinner by himself while his family gathered around the table without him.

  “His family.” Maggie looked around before she realized she was the one who said it.

  “What?” Frank asked.

  For the first time since joining this family, Maggie looked at Frank and didn’t see the warm, loving father figure who had embraced her so generously. She saw a bitter miser. A cruel, abusive stepfather. “This is his family,” Maggie said, a little louder than she’d intended.

  Frank frowned.

  Maggie leaped to her feet, slammed her fist on the table and shouted at Frank. “This is Logan’s family, and you have no right to keep him outside of it.”

  “Maggie, don’t,” Logan said.

  But she was already in it. Grief, confusion, heartbreak…now rage—all directed at Frank. “How dare you! What did you say to him to make him want to leave? Did you tell him he doesn’t belong? That he’s somehow burdening us? I don’t understand you, Frank. You brought me into this family like I was your own daughter, but you treat your stepson like a stranger. He’s not hurting anyone, you are!”

  And then because she felt like she was about to start tearing the whole house apart, she turned and walked straight through the living room and out the front door, slamming it shut behind her. She made it down the porch steps and paced the driveway, holding her head between her hands like it might fall apart if she didn’t.

  He couldn’t leave. He just couldn’t. Especially not because of stupid Frank.

  Gravel crunched beneath heavy boots.

  “Don’t touch me,” she said, still squeezing her eyes shut.

  The footsteps stopped and she kept pacing, inhaling deeply, determined not to cry yet again. She stopped with her back to him, arms falling to her sides, head falling back. “This family used to be so…chill.”

  “It never is when I’m around,” Logan said.

  She spun to face him. “Why don’t you start acting like you belong here.”

  He stared at her.

  “Why the hell would you let one person
separate you from the love of all the other people?”

  He hesitated. “I don’t know.”

  “You know, Frank sucks for this, but it’s your fault, too.”

  He swallowed.

  “You don’t have to let him treat you like this.”

  “I don’t have any control over him.”

  “Yeah, but do you have any control over you? You’re a grown man. It’s your choice whether you give him power over you or not.”

  Logan’s eyes seemed to be looking right through her. “I worry he’s right about me.”

  “But you know he isn’t, don’t you? You see that he’s wrong. You see that he doesn’t have as much power as you think he does.”

  He nodded slightly. “Yeah, I’m starting to see that.”

  “Then do something! Do what you know is right for you and for your mom and for…for…”

  He came toward her faster than she could react, and he kissed her hard on the mouth. He cradled her face in his hands and dove deep into the kiss. Maggie put her hands over his and held on as her legs went weak. They were right in front of the house, where anyone could look out the window and see them…but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered right now except Logan.

  He kissed her until the kiss became calm and soft. Until it was just their lips resting against each other, his eyes closed, his brow furrowed.

  She peeked, occasionally. Opened her eyes to find out how he was dealing with this moment. To appreciate the way he looked.

  At last, he opened his eyes and pulled away. He touched her face with his fingertips. Brushed her hair back. “You’re right,” he said.

  “I know,” she replied. “I’m always right.”

  “Mm. Not sure about that.”

  “You’ll see.”

  He took her hand and pressed it over his heart, covering it with both his hands. “I’m gonna take a little road trip, okay? Just an overnight. I’ll be back. I’ll make things right.”

  “Where are you going?”

  His jaw muscles tightened. “I can’t…” He shook his head and took a breath. “I just have to talk to someone. I’ll be back.”

  Her heart rate went up. Her stomach hurt. “You’ll come back?” she asked, even though he’d just said he would.