NEVER BEEN A LOVED ONE

by Ramamurthy, Sivaranjini

  “Daddy stop it please!” CK cried.

  Seeing Sara’s clueless face the guy said, “Our future leader has come after a great struggle. We are sharing our happiness by distributing sweets, take it.”

  Sara took one asking, “Who?”

  “Chandra Sekhar’s son, madam.”

  “Oh, that’s why the crowd,”

  “Yeah,” the guy said, turning and giving sweets to the next one. Chandra Sekhar dropped his hand suddenly hearing the word daddy.

  “I told you he’ll come back and call me daddy. You guys said I am going mad, but see…” Chandra Sekhar looked at the followers. He kissed all over CK’s face. The crowd started to wish Chandra Sekhar. Sara moved towards the coffee shop having a bite of the sweet. A follower stretched a sweet box near Chandra Sekhar’s face. He took and put a full sweet on CK’s mouth. The whole crowd started to shout, “CK our future leader.” Sara dropped the sweet hearing it. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing but the crowd cheered to ensure that it’s true. For her everybody was stunned except the sound. She ran to CK not believing her ears. She reached the crowd and moved this side and that with heavy heartbeat. Her eyes dilated when she saw CK at the center of the crowd. Sara saw CK waving his hand down, trying to control the crowd’s sound with mouth full of something unable to speak.

  Seeing it, in Sara’s vision, everybody faded away. Only CK was focused with the crowd’s cheers in slow motion. Their first meeting, their adventurous journey, their beautiful night, his confession, all of it flashed before her eyes. She took two steps forward and then his explanation of love towards his job flashed. She stopped her feet moving, tears rolled down her cheeks. She kept her trembling hand on her stomach.

  “Baby, your dad loves us more but this country won’t accept you and me before marriage. We may become a hurdle in his lovable career. I don’t want him to suffer because of us. Sara wept. I don’t know what to do, I love him more than me, so I think this is the right choice…See him one last time, I’m sorry, I can’t be a good mother. I can’t show you your dad,” she sobbed. “I can’t be a good wife too,” Sara wept, looking at CK. Only then she realized people passing by are looking at her weirdly. She wiped her tears fast. She saw him for one last time. CK smiled at the followers. She registered his smile to live with it for lifelong. She took her steps away from CK with her heavy heart. Her resistance was not enough to stop tears of love. Sara walked fast to the entry wiping her tears before she changes her mind.

  “What happened in the hijack? How did you manage to come back? Where did you stay these days?” CK’s dad asked. Only then he came to conscious. He looked at the wall near the restroom but he couldn’t find her. His dad was continuously shooting questions but CK couldn’t hear anything. His eyeballs were moving left to right again and again looking for her all over the airport.

  “Answer me,” his dad asked.

  “How could he? If you are asking him this much questions? Let him relax, anyway he is going to come home. Ask him one question each day,” PA laughed.

  “Yeah, I have gone crazy,” Chandra Sekhar looked at his PA. CK saw the blue salwar of Sara walking towards the exit. There she is! The next second, he started to run pushing the followers.

  “Where are you going?” asked Chandra Sekhar, raising up his voice.

  “I’ll come home,” CK snapped, running. He saw her moving out of the exit and ran fast but when he reached the exit he saw her getting into a cab wiping her tears. He shouted at his maximum voice but the cab started to move slowly, he rushed to it.

  But before he could reach, the cab took its speed. He ran behind it shouting, “Sara.” His heartbeat increased, he stopped a cab and got into it.

  “Follow that cab, hurry up!” CK looked at the cab breathing heavily as the driver started the engine. “Come on, fast!” he shouted, urging the driver. He didn’t expect this climax for his love even in his wildest dreams. He joined his hands, “Please give her back, Mom,” he sobbed, looking at that car. Their car chased her car, but Sara’s car took a turn. When CK’s car took the turn, Sara’s car disappeared. The road had two sides, left and right. His heart missed a beat seeing it. He looked left and right but there was no sign of her car.

  “Which side?” The driver was confused.

  “Now you ask me, I told you to speed up!” CK shouted.

  “Sir, I drove in my max speed,” the driver raised up his voice.

  “Okay, turn right,” CK thought if he asks him to leave there is no other cab on the way. “Right, take right, everything will happen right,” he fought his tears. Driver looked at him through the glass, they rode for a few minutes but they couldn’t find the car. “Okay turn left,” CK said. “What?” the driver asked, enlarging his eyes. CK gave all the money he had been given from the forest officer. The driver came back and took left but still they couldn’t find the car.

  “We missed the car,” the driver exhaled. CK was speechless with tears rolling down his cheek.

  “Where should I drop you?” The driver asked in a low voice, feeling sorry for him. He just nodded his head and got out of the cab. The driver returned the remaining money but CK was standing motionless. The driver came out of the car and kept the remaining money in his pocket.

  “Don’t worry, everything will be alright” said the driver pattering his shoulder. CK stood still like a statue and the driver left the place. “CK held his forehead and cried aloud. He felt like each of his cell burning but he couldn’t bear the shock. He fell down on his knees.”

  “How could you do this to me?” He shouted and punched the ground breaking the silence of the road. “Please make it a dream mom, please mom, please!” CK cried, leaning on the big tree. “This is not true, this is a dream,” he wiped his tears. He shouted, “No!” When his mind reminded what’s happening is true. He cried so long, the clouds also joined him. Both his heart and body got drenched in tears of pain.

  A car stopped near CK. He stood up, I know you’ll come back. You can’t be without me, he thought, rushing to the car. He stopped when he saw the PA coming out of the car.

  “What are you doing here? We are looking for you all over!” PA shouted against the rain. CK stood speechless. PA pushed him inside the car and drove back home.

  You lost her, it’s your fault. You should have told her about your background. She would have seen you among the crowd and would have thought you killed time with her, his mind warned.

  It’s not your fault you didn’t expect it to turn out like this. You were about to explain to her. She loves you she would have been in shock. She will come back , said his heart. CK got stuck between the mind and heart battle. He closed his ears, lying on the seat. He badly wanted Sara’s voice, which only has the power to stop the battle.

  “What happened?” PA asked, puzzled. He didn’t reply anything. They reached home and the PA got out of the car and opened CK’s door. He saw him reactionless. He pulled him and balanced him with his arm. They reached the entrance. Chandra Sekhar was looking at the door sitting on the sofa with a palm on his chin. Chandra Sekhar’s eyes widened, seeing CK.

  “What happened to him?” Chandra Sekhar shouted, rushing to him.

  “I don’t know, I searched for him all over and finally,” PA said.

  “What finally?” Chandra Sekhar asked, holding his son.

  “Finally we found him lying on the roadside,” the PA said in a low voice.

  “What?” Chandra Sekhar shouted, looking at PA without blinking his eyes with wide opened mouth. His father was about to drop CK, when the PA caught him and made him lie on sofa.

  “Did he say anything?” His dad asked, trying to solve the problem. The PA bent his head down and nodded no, unable to face him. He grabbed a towel on sofa and he wiped CK’s hand and legs with it and then he was rubbing his hair with it wondering what to do. What I wanted from my birth is happening but I couldn’t feel. She had taken my feelings along with her, thought CK.

  “Call the doctor,” Chandra Sekha
r turned to the PA, CK nodded no with his expressionless eyes. PA stood still seeing it.

  “What? Can’t you hear me?” Chandra Sekhar shouted. CK stood up from the sofa and walked to his room. Chandra Sekhar was about to call CK, but his PA stopped him by holding Chandra Sekhar’s raised up hand. They saw CK closing the door of his room.

  “Let him be alone for some time,” the PA uttered.

  “Why is it happening only for me? I started to love him only now. Whoever I love, leave from my life. I don’t want to lose my son. What would have happened to him?” Chandra Sekhar asked with a trembling voice, falling on the sofa. CK turned and looked at his mom’s picture hung on the wall.

  You left me alone when I was born and now I found the love of my life but you took her away from me. I don’t know, you change her mind and make her comeback into my life. At least give me some clue where she stays. I’ll never forgive you if I lose her, thought CK looking at the picture. He then realized he was wearing her mini backpack. He removed it fast and held it in his hand before his face. He recalled the days he teased her walk, wearing the mini backpack. He hugged it tight and jumped to the bed. He cried so long till his painful eyes fell asleep unconsciously. Sunrise fell on his face as he struggled and opened his eyes unable to see the sunlight. He got up suddenly from his bed, looked all around and held his aching forehead. His mind was reminding his heart that whatever happened yesterday was true and not in his wild dreams. He sat on the bed recalling all the scenes that happened yesterday. Tears welled up in his bulged eyes.

  He lay back on the bed and closed his eyes. He found his peace only in sleep. He just wanted to sleep forever or sleep next to her. He didn’t want to see the real world so he tried to sleep again but her thoughts were haunting him. Scenes of her were played again and again inside his mind without his control. He closed his eyes tight trying to control it.

  “Before realizing what was happening, everything happened,” his mind noted.

  “But she is not dead, she has just left you. It’s just a misunderstanding, you can find her and figure it out,” his heart offered comfort.

  “Yeah, I can do it,” he screamed aloud, opening his eyes, lying on the bed. He saw her mini backpack and he jumped and landed on the bed grabbing it. He opened it quickly, trying to find out without knowing what it is. As soon as he opened, the saree fell on his lap, CK held it with his trembling hands. He remembered the first touch of that in the flight and burst out in tears holding it near his face.

  He smelled her unique smell, “Why did you come into my life and leave me alone? I never knew the taste of love and care until I saw you and my senses are urging me to have it, to have you beside me. I need you now baby,” he cried out loud.

  Chandra Sekhar who couldn’t sleep all night was listening to his words, expecting him to open from early in the morning, standing beside his room. Tears rolled down on his cheeks seeing his son crying. CK looked at his mom’s picture, “I know you will get her back to me. I know mom, I know,” he wept. The maid carrying CK’s breakfast stopped seeing Chandra Sekhar leaning on the wall. He got it and signed her to leave. CK with heavy struggle controlled his feeling and looked at the bag to get something, but he found nothing except some cosmetics, a chuddi and the saree. He heard someone’s footsteps so he stuffed everything back to the bag, held it tight near his chest and kept wiping the tears fast. He put his hand down seeing his dad entering the room. His dad sat next to him. There was pin-drop silence. He lifted up CK’s face, holding his chin.

  “Who is she?” His dad asked, keeping his other hand on the bag tightly held by CK. CK’s eyes formed a question mark.

  “I am your dad and I have gone through this before when I lost your mom forever,” said Chandra Sekhar holding his hand tight.

  Teardrops of CK fell on his hand. “Is she alive?” CK nodded yes. “Only death has the power to separate two loved ones. Every other problem has a solution in this world. Come-on, cheer up, you will get back to her,” his dad assured him, feeding the food. Those words gave him hope and his dad left the room. He kept his hands on his head like a horse blinder and closed his eyes tight. He recalled every sentence of hers from the first meeting. CK felt bad for not listening to her sentences and admired her sometimes. Still he recalled whatever he could, but he couldn’t figure it out.

  “Shit,” he shouted.

  “I was with her all these days but I didn’t even get her number or address. How foolish am I? But, how could I? We were fighting for our lives and moreover I never thought that my love will have an end like this. No! No! No! Every end is the beginning of a new phase,” he cried trying to calm down even though he knew he couldn’t. A week passed by and he didn’t sleep even one night without crying and searching for her all over social media knowing she had hidden herself from him in all ways possible. CK didn’t speak to anyone for a week. The battle inside him never stopped without that voice. He became weak both physically and mentally day by day.

  Sleep was his only medicine but most of the time he was not able to have it because of the memories of her, which were repeatedly haunting him. It played again and again in his mind without a pause. CK felt like the memories sucked his blood slowly. Chandra Sekhar didn’t know how to handle this situation.

  “When he wanted my love and affection, I was not in a state to give him. When I am ready to show it, he is not in a state to accept it. Why is life playing games with me?” Chandra Sekhar cried to his PA.

  “Yeah, life is a game. You can win with bad cards or lose with good cards. It’s about the way you play,” said the PA, trying to console him.

  “Uh, what are you trying to say?” Chandra Sekhar looked puzzled.

  “Give him some more time and when he returns to a normal state ask him about the girl. We will find her and sort out the problem, we have money and power,” the PA said in a firm voice.

  “I hope so,” Chandra Sekhar looked dejected.

  The maid brought the lunch and knocked CK’s opened door. She saw him staring at the entrance through the window. She entered looking at him but he was deeply submerged in his thoughts that he didn’t notice her. The maid stood in front of him blocking the view, only then did he look up at her.

  “I had prepared a special lunch for you,” he didn’t give any reaction. “I made fish.”

  “This fish will be very yummy it’s my favorite,” he recalled those lines. He remembered their conversation at the waterfall, “I love eating fish. I eat 3–4 days a week. I live near the beach so I get it fresh and cheap.”

  “Fish!” CK shouted, jumping from the seat.

  “Yeah, fish,” the maid repeated, ensuring she didn’t say something else.

  He danced crazily, laughing. The maid was wondering whether he had gone fully mad. CK hugged and kissed her cheek shouting, “Thankyou,” repeatedly. The maid smiled without knowing how to react, but she was happy to see him laughing and talking after a long time. He searched for the car key in the draw. Finding it, the maid took and stretched the car key near his face.

  “You are really lovely,” he grabbed the key and started running.

  “But lunch?” The maid shouted.

  “Prepare two plates. I’ll come and have,” he shouted, dashing down the stairs. Hearing his voice after a long time, his dad rushed to the hall. He saw him leave the house with an excited face. He couldn’t believe his eyes. Seeing him happy after a long time made Chandra Sekhar feel delighted.

  CK sped to the beach and he stopped near the beach road.

  Where I should start from? I crossed many streets before beach, she said near but how near it would be? CK exhaled heavy breath saying, “It’s going to be tough.” But it’s not impossible, there are millions of streets in the country, you have narrowed down ’ said his heart. “Yeah, I came close to her,” CK opened the car door. He started from the very first street from the beach enquiring about her by just mentioning her name in nearby shops. People asked for her photo and he wished to take a copy from his heart
. He walked many kilometers, crossing many streets. His legs began to ache but his heart aching was heavier than that. Slowly, the sun started to set and CK also lost his energy. CK saw a blurred vision of an old man walking towards him.

  “Do you know Sara?” CK asked breathing heavily.

  “Sara,” the old man uttered, adjusting his spectacle with lines forming in his forehead.

  “Well, her house is at the corner of the street,” the old man pointed at the pink building. He started to run in the direction before he completed his last word. He fell abruptly scratching his hand but still his eyes were stuck on the building. He rose up and reached the house. He took a deep breath gathering up courage and pressed the calling bell.

  THE PAIN

  After a few minutes, the door slowly opened and CK’s heartbeat rised up. He saw a lady.

  “Sara?” CK asked.

  “But who are you?” The lady asked.

  “I am-” dragged CK.

  “Who called me mom?” CK heard the voice. It doesn’t sound like her , thought CK. The girl came out.

  “Sara?” CK asked.

  “Yes, I am Sara. What do you want?” Hearing those words, CK felt like thunder struck him. He moved back from the doorstep dejected. “What do you want?” The girl asked again.

  “Wrong address,” CK stammered. He felt like shouting and crying in the middle of the street. It’s enough for today, you will reach her and hug her soon , he thought, convincing himself as usual and got into an auto. He went to the beach and watched the waves rushing towards his feet.

  “I miss you terribly, Sara, please give me one chance to explain,” he cried looking at the setting sun. He heard a small boy’s voice, “Every beach looks the same mom.” CK recalled the lines again. “Oh my god,” he cried catching his forehead. What if she belongs to some other city? She never mentioned the city’s name, he thought. “I lost her! I can’t find her ever,” he cried aloud against the sound of waves punching the ground. The waves tried to cool him down but his emotions for her were burning that it couldn’t. He cried for so long realizing he lost her and soon it became dark all around.