Surviving Emma

by Jen Atkinson

  He scoffed. “Then what was it? Imaginary life?” His voice held a hard edge and his jaw set firm in frustration. Did he really not see it?

  “Kind of, like playing house or reading a book.” I left off my Hallmark movie example—I’d been sappy enough for one day. “It was fun,” I didn’t want him to think me ungrateful, “but it’s over.”

  “Just like that?” He turned off the car.

  “You asked me about college, about a job I’d like to have, about a plan—and I told you honestly that I won’t be able to reach that. That’s the reality of my life—with everything. I’m not blinded by fairytales or goals too high for me to reach. The day is over.”

  He ground his teeth together, studying the steering wheel in front of him. “This is real life, Emma. If I have to, I’ll prove it to you.”

  I gazed over to Virgie’s house just as Dakota’s head popped into her living room window. She waved and tears filled my eyes. He didn’t understand. And I was grateful he didn’t. He deserved more. “Not for me it isn’t. I can’t get there, but I’m going to do everything to make sure Dakota does.”

  Chapter 26

  Emma

  “Kote’s, grab your bag. Carter will be here any minute.”

  “Mama, do you think this is okay?”

  I hurried to pack up a few of my own things. I would beat Jodi to work today—she’d be amazed, and I’d actually get some paperwork done. My appointment schedule had picked up. I’d even had a few repeaters. Finally, I processed Dakota’s words. “What? Is what okay?”

  “That Deputy Carter is taking me to Donuts with Dad.”

  I stopped my busyness, remembering why life meant anything to me, and crouched to peer into the eyes of my little daughter. “Of course it’s okay. Why wouldn’t it be?”

  “Shiva said it would hurt his dad’s feelings if he took someone else. Am I going to hurt Dad’s feelings?” She screwed up her lips to the side and searched the ground.

  I wanted to say—well Shiva’s dad is center and present, not missing and dead-beat—but I didn’t. I should probably win some type of Academy Award for keeping my mouth shut. “No, Dakota. Your dad is far, far away for one. He’s off at school. He wouldn’t have been able to come, even if you’d wanted him to. I’m sure Keith would be happy you have someone special to take.”

  “Really?” she grinned and my heart fluttered inside.

  “Yes, baby, really.” In truth, I didn’t know how Keith would react to Carter going with Kotes. But in a matter of months, Carter had behaved more fatherly than Keith had in seven years, so I really didn’t care how Keith would feel about it.

  She wrapped her arms around my neck and squeezed me into a tight-Dakota hug. The tap on the front door made her loosen her grip. She shot back, hurrying to the door and flinging it open. “Carter!” She hurled her arms about his waist and gave him a quick hug. “You did not eat breakfast, right?”

  He held up his hand, stepping into the cabin. “Scout’s honor.”

  Her chest fell in a sigh. “Good. I know how much you like breakfast, but you can’t have a full belly when we’re getting donuts!” She twirled in a circle, singing the last word. “Oop! My math homework. It’s in my room.”

  “Go grab it,” I said, shooing her towards the hall.

  “Good morning,” Carter said, snaking an arm around my waist.

  I rolled my eyes, but I didn’t object when he pecked my lips. I’d never been into fairytales, except to read them to Kotes, but this real-live one amused me to no end. So what if it couldn’t last? So what if Carter had a girl’s picture on his fridge? I couldn’t enjoy the moment? That might be all I’d get. “Guess what? I have four appointments booked today.”

  “Wow, that’s a lot.” He dropped his arm when Dakota’s feet drummed against the hallway floor. “You had Jodi advertise online?”

  “Yeah, I did.” I didn’t have a lot of faith in Carter’s promoting ideas. We lived in Dubois. It’s not as if we didn’t hear everything through word of mouth—and yet, business had picked up.

  “I still think you should try a buy-one-get-one, even if it’s just half off. More people will try it and then you’ll have those that decide to come back even without the promotion.”

  “Maybe. Now go, you two.” I shuffled them out the door, ignoring Carter’s wink as he went.

  My nerves sparked, hurrying to get out of the house before Taggart woke up. Chances of a good day were higher if I didn’t have to see his face until seven at night. Too bad he couldn’t live at Twila’s.

  At 7:40, I walked into the Do or Dye. No need to search for the key in my bag, the lights were already on. Jodi stood in front of her work station, staring in the mirror, curling her long blue hair. How had it not fallen out yet?

  “Jodi, what are you doing here so early?” I’d hoped to be alone for an hour.

  She glanced my way, unstartled. “Me? What about you?”

  “I came in to get some paperwork done.”

  “You mean the client work I’ve been asking for since day one?”

  “Yep.” I kept walking. I should have made time for it. My slots were never filled, but I always found something else to do. I’d clean my station or have lunch with Dakota.

  “Where’s Dakota?”

  “Donuts with Dad.” Curse my mouth. Why did I say that? I’d set myself on automatic and didn’t think about the consequences of my honest answer.

  Jodi set the curling iron down and spun to face me. “Donuts with Dad? With whom?” Her hands fell to her hips, and I couldn’t help but notice how her long red nails would be perfect for clawing eyes out.

  “She asked Carter to take her,” I said, digging my hole even deeper.

  She grinned and yet somehow didn’t look happy. “So, you two a thing then?”

  “No,” my auto-voice quickly chimed. “We’re friends.” Friends who occasionally make-out. I didn’t want to talk about me and Carter any longer—not with Jodi, not with anybody. “Do you normally do your hair here?”

  Her grin faltered. “No.” She shuffled her feet. “Drew and I have been fighting. It’s just easier if we don’t have to share a bathroom in the morning.”

  “Oh.” Only three more steps to my workroom door—so close! “I’m sorry.” And then someone else took over my body and said the words—“Anything I can do?”

  Carter

  Shiva Asan and his dad sat across from Dakota and me at one of the elementary school lunch tables. Mr. Asan spoke in low tones to his son and did his best to ignore me.

  I turned to Dakota. Her cake donut lay on its napkin, half eaten, and her cheeks were smudged with chocolate. “So,” I said, “tell me about love languages.” First Andy, then Emma—it seemed everyone had an opinion on the subject, but Dakota would be the one to be honest with me.

  Dakota shrugged. “I don’t know anything about love languages.”

  “But your mom said that you said my love language was gifts.”

  She tore a small chunk of cake from the C left of her donut and popped it into her mouth. She chewed and I waited. “That’s what Mrs. Olson said.”

  “Your teacher?” And now Mrs. Olson. Did everyone in Dubois have an opinion on my life?

  “Yeah. I told the whole class about Keith. Then I told them about the bed and the bike, too.”

  “I see.” I couldn’t blame her for that.

  “That’s when Mrs. Olson told us we all have a love language, the way we show love and like to receive it. She said yours must be gifts since you’re always giving us stuff. Virgie thinks so, too. Does that mean you love us?”

  Mr. Asan stopped his whisper and stared our way, waiting for my answer. Shiva smiled, his two front teeth missing. He swept a layer of unruly hair from his vision to watch us.

  Dakota’s blue eyes sparkled up at me, waiting for an answer. I put a hand over hers. “Of course,” I said. “You and your mom are my friends.”

  She wrapped her arms around my middle and squeezed. “We love you, too,
Carter, even if we can’t give you any gifts to show it.”

  “Your friendship is gift enough, Kotes.” I patted her back, doing my best to ignore the ogling eyes of the teachers and parents in the room.

  Emma

  Thirty minutes later I had zero paperwork done, knew more about Jodi’s love life than I ever wanted to, and had a head full of ringlets—just like Jodi’s. I knew my hair though—it wouldn’t hold, even with the pound of hairspray Jodi applied.

  “Thanks for listening, Emma.”

  I nodded, so far from my comfort zone, but feeling as if I had to say something. What would Carter say? “Things will work out.”

  “Yeah.” She sighed and spun the chair around so that I faced her. “So, just friends, huh?”

  “Wha—”

  “You and Deputy Carter. You sure there isn’t something more friendly happening? You spent a whole day together. If I had to guess—”

  “We’re just friends. Believe me.” I stood, ready to make my escape. “Jodi, you and I both know that no man would want to put up with me.”

  “I don’t know,” Jodi said, studying me. “You’re softening up, Emma Sunday.”

  My head rang with her words. I knew she hadn’t meant them as an attack—but that didn’t mean I didn’t feel harassed. So, I dropped my kindness act—it didn’t suit me anyway—and put up my protective wall. “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I’m no softer or harder than I’ve always been. You’ve dyed your hair one too many times—the fumes are making you imagine things.” I added that last part to prove it.

  But Jodi chuckled at my rudeness. “Your curls prove I’m right. You never would have let me do that to you before.”

  I scoffed and childishly picked up the brush on Jodi’s vanity. I combed through my hair—three, four times until it lay in nothing but a loose wave.

  “Geez, Emma, you didn’t have to do that. You think going soft is an insult?”

  Maybe she hadn’t meant it as an dig, but it sure felt like one.

  Chapter 27

  Carter

  “Where’s Taggart tonight?” I asked, eyeing the clock on Emma’s wall.

  She draped her long legs over my lap, mindlessly thumbing through a University catalog I happened to bring in with dinner. Dakota read a book in Taggart’s chair, she wouldn’t sit there if she knew he’d be back soon. “He went to Riverton. Benson got a free room at the Wind River Hotel & Casino. The old turd took Taggart with him.”

  “He’ll spend more on gambling than he would have a room.”

  “Exactly.” She scoffed. “But at least he’s gone.”

  I loved when Tag left the city limits, but the money he spent belonged to Emma, not him. What she brought home didn’t amount to much. Sure, the house belonged to him, but she covered the rest of his expenses as well as rent to Jodi.

  “Can we ride bikes tomorrow?” Dakota peeked up from her book.

  “You bet,” I said. “The weather should be okay. We’ll give it another go.” I’d been able to get Kotes on the bike three times now—with everything she did so well, the girl couldn’t quite get the hang of balancing, but that didn’t stop her enthusiasm. “Maybe we’ll even get your mom on a bike.”

  Emma’s eyes peeked up over the catalog. “You will not.”

  “Why not?” Dakota bounced in her seat.

  “Yeah, why not?” I pinched Emma’s sides and the book in her hands fell to the ground. Emma had a ticklish spot. The laugh that uncontrollably burst from her lips only fueled my desire. I wanted to hear that again. I squeezed her again. She yelped and wiggled, kicking herself away from me.

  Dakota giggled from her chair and Emma called me something—probably an idiot—but the word vanished with another squeal as I sat overtop of her, nipping her sides with my fingers.

  “Carter!” she yelped. “Stop!”

  I stalled my action and stared down at her, red faced and smiling—beautiful. I leaned over, desire ruling my actions, and brushed my lips to hers. Dakota’s fit of giggles increased. Emma jerked, lightening quick, and I got a swift knee to the gut.

  “Sorry,” I wheezed, rolling to the other side of the couch.

  She shook her head, looking from Dakota to me. “It’s—it’s okay.” She crammed her eyes closed and bit her bottom lip—some type of war raging on inside of her. With Dakota’s nose back in her book, Emma shimmied herself up straight and moved next to me on the couch. “You okay?”

  “Yep.” I held my ribs. It hadn’t hurt that bad, but if she wanted to offer sympathy—something rare for Emma—I’d take it. I shouldn’t have done that, not in front of Dakota. I would count my good fortune that I’d only gotten a hit to the stomach.

  She put her hand over mine, her hazel-green eyes grazing over my wound. She laced my fingers with hers and held my hand. I’d call that an apology from Emma.

  I set my head to hers and kissed the line where her rose scented hair met her forehead. The warmth of her closeness didn’t satisfy me, but made me want to bring her in closer. The small feats I’d gained with Emma made me feel as if I’d climbed the tallest mountain and survived. It gave me a high I’d never experienced before.

  Her phone chimed and she pushed away from me to grab it from the coffee table. Curse the dumb thing.

  “Why?” she whispered a groan after reading the text. She held it out to me and I took the phone. Emma covered her face with her hands. “No, no, no,” she murmured beneath her fingers.

  Keith Zaleski: Spring break. Coming for a visit. See you next week.

  I didn’t know what to say. The news clearly made her miserable. But if it were me… if I had the chance to know Dakota—I’d want it. Nothing Emma said would make Keith stop being her father. Hadn’t Emma complained about him not bothering to show up for Dakota? But now, when he wanted to, she acted as if tragedy had struck.

  So, being the smart man that I am, I stayed silent.

  “Bath night, baby girl. Go get your jammies and take them into the bathroom.”

  Dakota held up her book, clearly not done reading, and blindly read her way down the hall and to her room, Keith drooling and following after her.

  I watched Emma, her chest rising and falling with agitation. It made me wonder what a seventeen-year-old Emma looked like with a tiny newborn Dakota and no one to help her. How many times had she panicked or hyperventilated in the last seven years? She had to be scared at times—and alone always. It made my heart ache, and it made me dislike Keith Zaleski. And yet, if Dakota were my kid, I’d want the chance to know her.

  “Can you believe this?” She hung her head to the ground, running her hands overtop her head.

  “Yeah, pretty out there. He hasn’t seen Kotes in a while, right?”

  “Uh-yeah.” She slammed the phone back onto the coffee table. “Almost a year and a half.”

  “Maybe he misses her.”

  “He just thinks he can send out a text and we’ll drop everything in our lives to be here when he wants. Like we’re living on his time.” Her jaw clenched. “He always does that. He expects everyone to do everything just to make his life easier. Well, where has he been to make our lives a little easier?”

  “Right,” I tried to say with gusto. I rubbed away a drop of sweat at the back of my neck, but my hand had gone clammy and it didn’t really help. “I guess when he comes you could ask him. Or maybe he’s coming to be more helpful or—”

  “To be helpful? If it doesn’t help Keith, he doesn’t do it.”

  “Right,” I said with a whole lot less gusto. I guess I didn’t know. I didn’t know this man. I just knew that if Dakota were mine, I would want to visit, too, and I wouldn’t let Emma’s insolent ways stop me. I couldn’t help but wonder if they’d stopped Keith, though—if she’d called him a dead-beat idiot and he’d chosen to stay away from the abuse. “So…” I said, after a minute of watching her seethe, “what do you have going on next week?”

  “Nothing, of course, but he doesn’t know that.”

&
nbsp; “Right.”

  She stood, stomping a foot on the ground. “Stop saying that! You sound like a busted CD.”

  “I just—” I stood too. “It’s just—”

  “What Carter? What do you want to say?”

  “Dakota wants her dad in her life. I don’t think you should get in the way of that.”

  She sputtered, hands on hips, and threw me the look of death—no, more the look of torture, make him suffer and then beg for death. “And what makes you believe that? You give her a few toys, buy her some summer clothes, and you think you know my daughter better than I do?”

  “I didn’t say that, Em.” I paced in front of her once. “It’s just—”

  She drew in an angry breath with my It’s just.

  “Kotes wanted to invite Keith to that donut day, but she didn’t know how to ask you.”

  Her eyes narrowed in on me. “No. She wanted to invite you—for some idiotic reason.”

  “Emma, she told me.” I shuffled my feet, knowing I dug my own grave. “She wanted me to ask you about Keith because she was afraid to.”

  “That is a lie. She has never been afraid of me.”

  “Not of you,” nothing came out right, “just of talking to you about her dad.”

  She charged past me to the front door, opened it up and let a cool April breeze flutter into the living room. “Go.”

  “Emma.” I walked toward her, but didn’t dare touch her. “I just thought you should know. Maybe this visit won’t be the worst. Dakota wants him in her life.”

  “You have no idea what you’re talking about. You can play Daddy Warbucks, but you are not her parent. You’ve never stayed up when she has a fever. You’ve never held her hand for hours because of a bad dream. You’ve never rubbed her legs until your fingers cramped trying to ease out the growing pains.” She shook her head, her eyes red and round. I knew that face. Tears weren’t far off, and I had done that. I would be to blame when those tears fell. “You don’t know,” she said. “Keith doesn’t know. You can both show up and play, but in the end you’re just a meaningless toy that will grow old and get tossed.”