Son of a Crime God, Daughter of a Hoover

by Latoya Nicole

  “Aight, let’s get back downstairs before they kill us.” All I could do was watch her with swollen lips as she walked out like she didn’t just damn near kill me. Wiping my mouth, I went down after her. Walking over to my pops, I tried to have general conversation with his dumb ass.

  “Son, I know you didn’t bring your ass over here with dried up pussy juice on your lips trying to talk to me.” Looking around, I tried to make sure her pops didn’t hear what he said.

  “Don’t do that. You know that shit gone kick off a war.”

  “Did she buck all over your shit son? Why your lips all swollen and red?” This nigga said the shit all louder than the last time.

  “Pops, what the fuck man?”

  “Remember when you snitched on me to your mama? When we got home, she knocked my ass out with that heel. My ass woke up still in the car the next day. Paybacks a bitch. Hey Blaze, I think lil Phantom just went upstairs and did the nasty with your baby girl.” My eyes got big as hell when Blaze started walking towards me flicking his Bic.

  “I did not have relations with that woman.” My ass was trying to sound like Bill Clinton hoping he would find the shit funny, but he didn’t. The doorbell rang and that saved my ass.

  “Mama here, everybody cut the lights off and hide.” I was saved by the bell and I prayed he forgot what my pops said.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN SPARK

  I couldn’t believe how well this shit was going. Well, until Phantom told my daddy me and Darryl did the nasty. His ass was ready to set our asses on fire. It was good to see everyone in there laughing getting along. When Phantom walked in guns drawn, I knew this shit wasn’t about to go well. My Uncle Quick was a beast with the guns, so I wasn’t worried about Phantom killing everyone. What bothered me was how Darryl ended up pulling his gun.

  I mean I understood where he was coming from, but in that moment, it was fucked up. How did we go from two people wanting each other, to him raising his gun on me? I’m sure I should have reacted to show my family I was with them, but a bitch was stuck. After finding out they had history, I knew it was over. Them niggas went at it and out of nowhere, they started laughing. The relief that went through my body had me damn near in tears.

  My family didn’t do well with people they didn’t know. They weren’t welcoming or understanding. They didn’t trust anyone, and they raised us to be the same way. That’s the reason Zavi didn’t come around. He knew how my family would act, so he chose his girl. I got it, but I couldn’t see myself not coming around. I loved everything about these crazy mufuckas and we needed each other.

  Now all of us were sitting here hiding in the dark, waiting on my grandma to walk in. Usually, she got my daddy amped up, so I prayed she acted accordingly. I’ve had enough embarrassment for one day, I didn’t need to come kick it back off and shit. Let these sleeping dogs lie. My daddy was a handful by his self, Phantom was another story.

  “Why the hell y’all got all the lights out? Let me find out you niggas done finally went broke, imma have to put y’all wives out there on the corner. Don’t tell Devon though, you know he thinks I’m saved now since I’m the first lady. I be sending them mufuckas straight to hell. How the hell you gone listen to a hoe tell you to live right? Don’t get me started on the collection plate, that bitch come by me, I put a dollar in and act like I’m getting change and take out fifty. Best side hustle since I was taking the money out of the bucket outside the stores. Niggas thought I was gone ring a bell for free.” She was standing in the doorway talking down and didn’t realize it was a house full of people. Blaze finally cut the light on and we all stood up.

  “SURPRISSSEEE.” Instead of looking happy, she looked at my daddy and shook her head.

  “Nigga you ain’t shit. You could have blinked that dead ass eye of yours and let me know to shut the fuck up. What kind of son would do that to his mama? Bitch who raised you? Wait. When y’all yelled surprise, did I die and now I gotta explain to Jesus why I was stealing out of the plate?”

  “You have sinned my child. Come to me and repent.” Phantom grabbed his oil from Free and my grandma started slowly walking towards him.

  “Somebody lie. The Jesus I had hanging on my wall ain’t this damn fine. Can I still go to heaven if the Lord got my panties wet?” She actually looked for an answer. Everybody dropped their heads in shame. Phantom started throwing oil at her and her expression changed completely. “Aww hell naw. You done got that cheap ass cooking oil on my good wig. I know the Lord ain’t trying to make my soul glo.”

  “Ma, shut the fuck up damn. That’s Phantom and no, you can’t fuck him. Your husband over there trying to pray for strength right now. You already had his ass praying for guidance through that wolf pussy, now this. Just go sit down.” My daddy looked over this dinner already.

  “The Lord could use your sheep in his pastures. Come my child.” This nigga Phantom was just as extra as my daddy.

  “Did you say cum my Lord? Meet me in the back once I get the pastor settled. I’ll put this old ass cat on you and your ass will be passing out blessings from a happy place. Sure will. Happy dick Jesus.” Nope, I wasn’t gone do this. Darryl looked at me for answers and I had absolutely none. My daddy was a mufucka, but nobody had a thing on my grandma.

  “Ma, go sit at the fucking table before Blaze get your ass. He eyeing that wig and you already know. Embarrassing ass. Damn.” I was glad Uncle Face stepped in, because this was getting out of hand. We all walked in and sat at the table. My mama and aunts started bringing out all the dishes and I couldn’t wait to eat.

  “Jesus Jr, come sit over here next to me.” Darryl looked to me for help, but I turned my head. I wasn’t getting in that shit, I was sitting on the opposite side where it was safe. We all took our seats and looked at each other when the food smell hit us.

  “The fuck is that smell?” Uncle Quick asked Auntie Ash, but she looked like she didn’t know what the fuck we were talking about.

  “I don’t know. I guess the crab legs smell weird.”

  “Naw pussy smell weird, that shit stank. Get that shit off the table man. We got all this company in here. Just cus Jesus at the table, don’t mean try to kill us and hope he revive us. You know that nigga didn’t save everybody in the bible. Some of them mufuckas died.” My daddy be being extra, but I agreed with him.

  “Don’t think we cooking shit else since you mufuckas trying to be choosey and shit. Juicy give they ass them dry ass biscuits.” We laughed, but she really brought the biscuits. Five minutes later, the smell came back.

  “Man, what the fuck y’all in here trying to feed Jesus, dead squirrel? I fed the masses with five fish, not funky fish. Fuck is going on in here. Darryl, why you invite me to a cookout knowing they had bad food?” Phantom was pissed, but hell, we were too.

  “It doesn’t smell like this in the kitchen, so I have no idea what the hell is going on.” Juicy sat down and started fixing her plate.

  “WHAT THE FUCK.” Darryl jumped up and the knees to his pants had holes in them. “Did you just burn my knee caps?” My daddy shrugged his shoulders like it was nothing.

  “Bet you won’t get down on them mufuckas again trying to eat pussy. Hold up man. Bring me my food back out here. That’s y’all nasty ass mama over here that stank. She just tooted it up that time before she let it ride. Funky ass needs to eat in the basement by herself after that shit.” My daddy was pissed, but Darryl was still looking at him appalled he burned his knees.

  “Don’t bring that shit over here. How you gone try to embarrass me in front of Jesus? I’m trying to get the holy dick…” When Devon jumped up, grandma changed that shit up quick. “Holy ghost. I’m trying to catch the Holy ghost. Yessir.” The entire table fell the fuck out laughing because she knew her ass was busted. We all started eating and I mouthed to Darryl, I would make it up to him later. My daddy was completely ignoring the fact that he was still standing over him. When he mouthed back to me Pussy, I giggled until his daddy bust us out.

  “Blaze, t
hey being nasty again. Excuse me baby but are you gone bless the food or just dig in?” We had the dumbest looks on our face and Darryl sat the fuck down quick then. His daddy wasn’t shit and I don’t see how anybody did a crime with him. Out of nowhere, it’s like Free knew what to do and he grabbed the oil and took the top off. Him and Phantom started walking around the table. This nigga Free held the oil, as Phantom dipped his hand in it. This mufucka started flicking oil at us.

  “Look at the flick of my wrist. I’m blessing you with every drip.” Wait what. Out of nowhere, Uncle Quick threw a biscuit at his ass and that shit hit him hard. We were crying laughing, cus that nigga didn’t miss a beat.

  “Mannn, sit your ass down. Even Jesus went to sleep on the boat at some point. Damn.”

  “All y’all too old to be playing like this all the time. Whew chile, y’all act worse than us. I’m about to head upstairs, I can’t deal. Come on Darryl, this shit is too much.” I heard the flick before I saw it.

  “Sneaky pussy tried it. Your daddy knows all about sneaky pussy, he got one right now. You would have been better off saying, I’m going upstairs to fuck. Your daddy can detect a slip and slide in his sleep.” Uncle Face looked at Uncle Quick pissed off he said that. I was gone have to find out what they kept hinting at.

  “My child. Thou shall feel free to be one’s self. I give you the power to step out there on faith and…” Biscuits started flying at him left and right.

  “Phantom, if you don’t sit your we fall down, but we get up looking ass down somewhere. Nigga, ain’t you hungry? You out here feeding the masses, but your ass ain’t ate. You must don’t know Kimmie. You got about five more minutes and it won’t be shit left in this mufucka. Not even the table.”

  “Fuck you Blaze. You need to ask that nigga to bless them bald spots your ass getting.” Uncle Shadow know my daddy vain, I don’t even know why he played like that. His ass jumped up fast as shit and ran to the mirror.

  “Y’all doing too much, let’s get this cake shit over with, so y’all can get the fuck out.” Everyone looked at my daddy like he lost his mind. He had the nerve to call somebody extra. I was just happy we were about to leave. This was too much.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN DARRYL

  Mufuckas can say what they want about my pops, but this family had him by a land slide. Most of the time, all you could do is sit with your mouth open. Fucked up part is, Phantom fit right in with they ass. This nigga throwing oil, blessing food, and dodging biscuits all at the same time. All I wanted to do was go lay down. This shit was too much for me, but I ain’t gone lie, the shit was funny as hell.

  I don’t think I’ve seen my pops laugh this much in a long time. It’s like he loved the shit out of my mama, but she also took the one other thing he loved just as much as her. That was what made me scared of relationships. Seeing how miserable my pops was in the house most days, did something to me. He was happy as hell with my mama but fucked up at the same time. I get that she wanted him to walk away while he could, but when she met him he was in the streets. I don’t understand why you’re good enough for a chick when they meet you, then as soon as you fall, they want you to be some made up mufucka. Phantom was a legend, a God in the streets and she stripped that away from him. Every chance that nigga gets to be Phantom, he be thirsty as hell. He still wears white, but he refuses to wear the white he wore when he was out there chopping niggas down.

  See me, I didn’t give a fuck what it was, as long as it was white. Pops had his war clothes in a special closet like he was bat man or some shit. Nigga was waiting on some shit to kick off, so he could put it back on. In a way, I felt bad for him, but I respected him at the same time. He did what he had to for his family. Nigga sacrificed everything for us. I wasn’t that type, so I stayed away from any kind of attachment.

  I kept looking over at Spark and it seems like we were on the same page and that made me fall for her harder. Her family was like mine, so she understood the streets. Shorty didn’t seem like the type that was gone let me fuck with other bitches, so I was gone have to see how this shit goes. I couldn’t believe this shit was even an option for me, but Spark was worth the try. Looking at Spark play with her daddy and uncles, kind of had me jealous. We didn’t have a big family. It was just pops, Free, my mama and Laci. Don’t get me wrong, I had a great life, but shit like this just made me wish I had a big family.

  “Happy birthday to you.” Blaze came from out the back with a big ass cake and everyone started singing. Debra was smiling from ear to ear and went down to blow the candles out. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with Blaze, but that nigga pushed her head in the cake and that shit caught fire.

  “Damn mama, I forgot that nigga threw that oil on you. I ain’t know that shit was flammable.” He was beating the shit out of her head, when Face got some water and threw it on her. Out of nowhere, she passed out. “Hey y’all, I don’t think she breathing.” My pops held up his hands to stop everyone and made his way over. I couldn’t believe this nigga was really in here acting like he had some power. Signaling for Free to bring him the oil, his ass started throwing it on her. She jumped up out of nowhere and looked pissed.

  “Nigga I know you ain’t throwing no more of that damn pussy juice on me. I’m good, only reason I faked passed out was because I thought you was gone give me mouth to mouth. Move shit.” When she got up, it was still a lil smoke coming off her wig and I could not stop laughing man. “Devon, bring your slow ass on. You supposed to be close to the Lord, but you ain’t tell us this nigga faker than your three front teeth. Bring your ass on. Got me out here trying to sacrifice my pussy to a fake prophet.” Yeah, I was not about to do this no more. Giving Spark the look, she knew I was ready to turn it in.

  When we got upstairs, I grabbed my stuff and jumped in the shower. It seemed like we had been here forever with all the shit that just happened. These mufuckas was crazy as hell and I needed to decompress. That damn water had my knees burning and Blaze was lucky I couldn’t get his ass back. I knew it was a reason he wanted me to sit next to his ass. Hurrying up out of the shower, I wrapped a towel around me and walked back in the room. Spark was in there talking to her mama. Before I could walk back out, Blaze came in and his expression told me shit was about to be all bad.

  “I should have known this was where I was gone find your nasty ass. You couldn’t wait to slide your ass in here. Let’s go walls free, we gone have to talk about this shit. Every time a new nigga come around, I gotta watch this lil loose ass pussy.” I was stuck because I thought he was gone go off on me about me being naked in the room with Spark.

  “Blaze, don’t make me fuck you up. Your ass too old and shit been too long for you to still be playing with me. What imma do with young strong dick? I’m old as shit, bring your slow ass on.”

  “How you know it’s strong Drea? Your Peter Piper picked a pack of peppers looking ass had to have been trying to see. You trying to say my shit old? I’ll put this thang on you and you won’t be able to do shit else for a week keep talking.”

  “Ooh, let me see. You know I like when you make me bow legged and pigeon toed at the same time.” Me and Spark looked at each other in horror and she slammed the door. These mufuckas was off the chain and I couldn’t do shit but laugh. Laying in the bed, I was surprised her pops allowed that shit to happen. The way he talked shit, you would think he would have locked my ass in the basement.

  “Something wrong with your parents. I hope your ass don’t turn out like them, I’ll have to beat your ass.”

  “I’m already like my daddy. I have no idea why he keeps calling my mama loose pussy though. My shit tight, cus it’s untouched. Wanna see?” I was trying not to go there with her ass yet, but she insisted on playing with me.

  “Go wash that shit. Out here trying to give me that hot shit.” Bending down kissing me, she got up and ran in the shower. I wasn’t sure if this was going to be the safest thing to do, but if shorty wanted it, then she was gone get it. I could only turn down pussy for so long. Es
pecially since I hadn’t had none since me and shorty been talking. My ass was used to getting some every day, hell, sometimes twice a day. That was gone be the hardest part of being with one chick, but I would try. She was worth the effort, I just prayed I didn’t fuck it up with her. My pops words rang in my head as if he was saying the shit all over again. Leave that girl alone if you not ready to do right. That shit will start a war. As much as I wanted to fuck her, I think I was gone have to hold off. I needed to make sure I could cut all these other hoes off. It wasn’t fair to my Pops to put him at war. They got along, and he seemed to have made some new friends. My phone went off and I looked at the message.

  POPS: Don’t be up there trying to get no pussy. I like these mufuckas and I would hate to kill them because your stupid ass fucked up. Plus, if I think you getting some, I’m telling.

  Shaking my head, I didn’t even respond. This shit was going to be hard. How do you stay away from the one person you’re drawn to the most? Not wanting to deal with it tonight, I closed my eyes and made myself go to sleep.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN SPARK

  “Make sure you come back soon baby girl. I need company other than your daddy. It was nice to meet you Darryl, you’re welcome back at any time.” My mama was getting emotional and I hated that. It always made me sad, and I was already in my feelings.

  “I’ll be back soon mommy. I promise.” Hugging her, I wiped the tears from my eyes. “I love you daddy.” Reaching for me, he held me tight and I swear I didn’t want to let go. People always wondered how anyone could put up with a mufucka like him, but he was the best. The most loyal and honest person I’ve ever met, and he was going to protect me at all costs. “Daddy, can I just stay here? I don’t wanna go back.” He looked over at Darryl and I guess he could tell some shit wasn’t right.