Sensing Serafina

by Elisa Ellis

  He was apparently starting to walk home. I grabbed him and told him to stay. I felt so embarrassed that my friends were horrible, and I felt guilty for subjecting Cal to their ugliness. It sucked. But when I told him I was sorry, he freaked out and started apologizing to me. He wasn’t even worried about them. He said he was only worried about what I thought about him.

  I’m so glad he didn’t leave. I held his hand all the way home. I wanted to talk to him more but Chasity was with us. She was even being rude, but I don’t think she meant anything by it. I’ve learned to deal with her when she is too open and blunt, but hopefully Cal didn’t feel offended.

  I really haven’t known Cal very long, and Dad cautioned me after meeting Cal that night that he came over. It pisses me off that people, and especially my dad, act like Cal isn’t good enough for me. I feel like we have this crazy strong connection, and it’s like our souls fit together. He’s really so beautiful. He’s kind, smart, funny, and obviously hot as hell.

  Honestly, I’m pretty sure I love him. God, I do love him. So much. I don’t think I’m being crazy either. If Mom were here, I bet she would love Cal, too.

  I can’t wait to see him tomorrow.

  Sera ~ Cal forever

  Love,

  Sera

  I did see Cal that next day. We kissed and it was beautiful and sexy and so perfect. But when I got home that night, Dad was waiting for me. He was sitting in the living room holding my journal. When I saw him, I was furious. I could not believe he would do that. That he would read my private thoughts. I’ll never forget what he said either. I asked him, “How could you do that?” He actually said, “I had to, Sera, and I’m glad I did. You can’t be around Cal anymore. He’s not good for you, he’s not like you, and he’s just going to be trouble. I’m sorry, but I’m putting my foot down. If I have to, I will ground you, but I hope you will respect my wishes and trust my judgement. This is over. I’ve talked to Chance’s dad and he’s not going to press charges, but if I find out you are hanging out with that boy again, he might just end up in jail.”

  I was shocked. How could he stoop that low? It was like he didn’t even care how I felt. But I didn’t want anything bad to happen to Cal, and I knew how manipulative my dad’s rich friends could be. I left Cal a note the next day, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

  I would never trust my dad again. Ever. I was more determined than ever to graduate and get away.

  “How are you feeling?” My dad’s voice is soothing, but I feel conflicted after the overwhelming memory of that night. It’s like all of those emotions came rushing back: anger, disappointment, frustration, hurt.

  “I’m fine.” I answer. I don’t feel like elaborating.

  “Is your knee hurting?”

  “It’s fine.”

  “Sera, what’s going on? You seem angry.”

  My sarcastic response in my mind probably won’t help anything, so I just deny it.

  “I said I’m fine. Ok?”

  Before he can speak, a nurse and Dr. Adler come into the room. Dad stands to greet them, but I still feel gripy, so I just sit in my uncomfortable hospital bed in silence.

  “Hello, Sera,” Dr. Adler says. “How are you feeling?”

  My God. How many times have I been asked that just today alone? And do they want the honest answer? Because I doubt it.

  “I’m fine.” It’s apparently my new phrase for the day.

  Dr. Adler begins unwrapping my knee. “I just need to check the site. Ok? Any pain right now?”

  “Yes.” He looks up at me from my knee, his eyebrows raised a bit indicating his recognition of my agitation.

  “Ok. On a scale of 1 to 10, what is your level of pain right now?”

  “Maybe a 6?” I don’t know. I don’t feel like freaking talking. I just want to sit here and be irritated. Thinking that elicits a small grin. I know sarcasm isn’t polite, but oh well.

  The doctor tells the nurse to give me some medicine. Now that he’s messed with it, I’m thinking it’s more like an 8, so I’m thankful, even though I don’t say anything.

  Wrapping it back up, Dr. Adler speaks again. “Alright. I want you to rest tonight, but tomorrow we are going to do some exercises and move it. You won’t be able to walk or anything for several more weeks, and even then we will have to play things by ear, but I believe if we move slowly, your prognosis is good. Ok? So just hang in there and I’ll be back in tomorrow afternoon to check on you.” He leaves the room, and I’m glad he doesn’t insist on a response from me. I really don’t feel like talking right now. I just want the pain to go away.

  All of it.

  Now

  My leg is achy after driving for so long. The knee brace keeps my leg too stiff, so I’m driving without it, and God, it’s starting to really hurt. Opening my water bottle, I pop three ibuprofen in my mouth and swallow. I’ve been taking them pretty regularly. It’s probably not healthy, but at least it doesn’t make me feel weird like the Tylenol with codeine. The temporary relief of pain medications they gave me in the hospital caused bad dreams. Confused and conflicted illusions danced in my paralyzed state. Tingly needles of fiction provoked me while imprisoning me for its four to six hours of half-life.

  I’m only about thirty minutes from town now. I recognize where I am so the google map is finally off. While it’s helpful, the lady’s voice was starting to get annoying. Plus, I was talking back to her, sometimes arguing with her, which makes me question my sanity a little too much.

  I know I’ve changed after this whole ordeal. I just hope I can be normal again. Right now, it still seems too far away.

  Thirty minutes.

  Will I see Cal? How will I even find him? Like, will he just be around town and I’ll see him and I’ll be like, “hey.”? I don’t have any idea if he will even want to see me. I mean, I think he will. It’s not my fault I couldn’t talk to him.

  God, and I really don’t love the idea of seeing old friends, except for Chasity of course. I have this discernable limp which totally sucks.

  My thoughts are running wild.

  Although I’ve had eight long months to plan my escape, I failed to decide exactly where I want to stay. I know my father will look here first, and because this is a relatively small town, it probably won’t take him too long to find me. However, I want to prolong the inevitable as long as I can, so after driving through town, I remember the lake house where I went with Cal. I’m way too scared to stay there by myself, but I remember we passed some rental cabins on the way.

  The Red Hawk Cabins, actually brown, appear run-down and desolate. A faded red neon sign glows “vacant” in the window of the office, persuading me to be brave and enter. Despite my nerves, I suck it up and open the door to a dim paneled office where a man with a huge beard sits behind a yellow counter. The bell on the door, a superfluous alert of my presence at this moment, elicits an uninterested reaction from the man. Without looking up from his book, he asks, “What can I do for ya?”

  “Um, I was wanting to check on renting a cabin?” Lacking confidence, I sound unsure.

  “Well, they’re all empty right now as you can see. How long ya need it for?”

  “I’m not sure yet. I just need a place to stay temporarily. How much would it be to rent for a month?”

  “Don’t normally rent ‘em out by the month. Seein’ how it’s the low season though, we might be able to work something out. You hidin’ from something?” He still hasn’t looked at me. I don’t know how he would even know.

  “No sir.” I lie. His eyes slowly wander up to meet mine and he scoffs. “Hmph. Ain’t no young girls come ‘round here to stay. You got to be hidin’ from something. You can park your truck in the back. Cabin C will probably be as good as any,” he says, pointing towards the back of the group of about ten cabins. I turn my head towards that direction and nod.

  “Yes. Thank you. How much?” I have a little over $700 left after gas and Target. Without meaning to, my wringing hands convey my co
ncern.

  “How’s about $300 for the month? Can you manage that?”

  “Yes, sir. That sounds great. Thank you,” I say again, pulling out exactly $300 to hand over the counter.

  “Welp, looks like you got you a place to stay now. Here’s the key. You’ll need to sign here.” He slides a generic contract over and points to a pen, attached to the counter with a silver beaded string and duct tape. After signing the paper and taking the key, I head back to my car. He yells out before the door closes, “Don’t want no trouble, though. Ya hear?”

  Nodding again behind me, I jump in my Bronco and drive around to park behind Cabin C, my new place.

  “Home sweet home,” I mutter as I enter the not so welcoming abode. Again with the old décor, the chair and couch look like they jumped out of the seventies, similar to the lakehouse where Cal took me. The dingy white tiled floor is camouflaged with little brown and black specs, maybe to better hide dirt. A taxidermied fish takes up about two feet on the wall above the couch. It looks like it was caught years ago, covered in dust and a few cobwebs, the fins a faded yellow and orange with silver streaks.

  “What?” I ask it. It stares back at me, dumbly. “You sure are ugly.” I tell it before throwing a t-shirt over it. I don’t like being watched, even by a thirty-year-old, dead fish.

  The small wooden dresser in the corner holds the contents of my suitcase quite well. I’m so glad I threw my soft blanket and pillow into the car before leaving because the bedspread is scratchy and God knows when it was washed last.

  A small tv sits on the dresser. I’m kind of surprised to get any channels when I turn it on, but the noise is extremely comforting. I’m not used to being completely alone.

  It’s already dark at seven since it’s January. I check the bolt lock on the door one more time. Peeking out the window, the moon casts a glow on the trees around the lake. Tomorrow, I plan to explore. I want to find Cal, but I’m scared. I need to get re-acclimated to this life.

  Chapter 20

  Before

  Although I’ve been unable to put weight on my legs, the nurses and physical therapists force me to move from the bed to a chair daily, and today my dad wheeled me to the hospital cafeteria in a wheelchair. A nightgown and robe make for embarrassing out-to-eat attire, but there are other patients escaping their rooms just like me. One guy was in line only wearing socks and his hospital gown. Thank goodness he didn’t turn his back to me. Surely he was wearing underwear, but it was super awkward and I’m totally good with never seeing his or any other patients’ butts, naked or not, especially considering the patients here are all older than me. Gross. And I hope he changed his socks when he got back to his room. We’re in a hospital. It disgusts me to think of all the germs he acquired.

  I still can’t wear pants. I have athletic shorts on underneath my gown, but it’s really a pain to put them on over the casts. I just couldn’t stand the thought of going out of the room without them, but it won’t be fun to deal with taking them back off later either. Today my nurse is a guy, too. I don’t want his help or my dad’s, so hopefully I can manage by myself.

  It feels good to get out of my pink prison. Pepto Bismol pink walls equal pure torture.

  Dad has brought food to me some so I don’t always have to eat the hospital food, but since we are here, at least I can choose what I want. My tray is full.

  “You’re never going to be able to eat all of that.” Dad cautions me.

  “I’m gonna try,” I respond. I couldn’t help it. A cheeseburger and fries, side salad, banana pudding, and a rice crispy treat to go with my large Diet Dr. Pepper, all perfect choices if you ask me.

  Thankfully, Dad smiles when he says, “I’m just happy to see you eating and out of that room. You’re getting a little color back.”

  “I probably blended in with the unsightly walls in there,” I say, giggling.

  “You should be thankful I brought you here. This hospital is much nicer than most, and you could have been sharing a room with some crazy person if you weren’t here.”

  “What do you mean, you brought me here? I thought you said I had to be here because the doctors were experts or something.”

  “Oh, they are, honey. It was definitely necessary.”

  “Necessary for you or for me, dad?” I ask him, looking right into his eyes as we arrange our food on the round table in the middle of the large room.

  “For both of us, of course. Don’t start jumping to conclusions, Sera. You needed to be here, so like I said, just be thankful for the good care you are receiving.”

  I definitely wouldn’t have wanted to be in a room with someone else. It would be so weird to hear another person in pain. The power of suggestion alone would have made me feel like I shared in every single sickness. I’m one of those freaks who gags when someone else is throwing up, and if Chasity says she has a headache, I have to seriously talk myself down because I usually start feeling a headache coming on as well. It’s silly, but my therapist says it’s part of my OCD and anxiety. Embracing it as one of my quirky traits is a more flattering way of thinking about it, though.

  “Dad, do we have to go back to the room yet?” I ask after we finish eating. I’m saving my rice crispy treat for later since it’s wrapped. Dad was right. It was too much food, but God, it was a nice treat.

  “Well, there is a courtyard downstairs. How about we go outside for a while? I bet we can find some shade since it’s hot. The nurse told me to check in if we are going to be longer than an hour, so I’ll call up to the floor and let her know what we were doing.”

  Oh my gosh. The sun feels amazing. Its warmth brings about the biggest smile I think I’ve had in a month. Yellow flowers line the sidewalk leading to a large tree, under which sits a metal and wood slatted park bench. The tree is beautiful, the trunk alone probably eight feet around. Dad parks my wheelchair underneath the large branches, each covered in large, dark green leaves. Looking up into its canopy, I giggle while watching a couple of squirrels chasing each other, leaping from branch to branch in delight. God, to be free to jump and run again will be the most amazing gift. It’s not something a person ever thinks about: being unable to walk or get around. I definitely took it for granted.

  After my mother passed away, I never went back to a dance class again. I remember getting to dress up and Mom decorated my face with eye shadow, blush, and mascara before every recital. She always told me I was beautiful without it but that it helped people in the crowd to see me better. Dancing was fun, but the best part was spending time with my Mom. Once she was gone, it meant nothing to me.

  However, right now, I really wish I could dance. The sounds, the smells, the beauty surrounding me outside frees my sadness. The oppressive gate opens and exchanges my tears for joy.

  Large roots interrupt the concrete beneath the tree, spiraling around in their own little dance. Leaves blowing, birds singing. It’s heaven. And I’m taking it all in. Reminded of my mom, and of my Cal. Somehow, being outside substitutes in a small way, filling the cracks caused by pain. The void in my soul is separated with a bookmark, awaiting reunification with my other half. Cal, and the rest of my life.

  Pain is temporary. It is a cliché seized and clinched in my heart.

  Sweat dripping down my face prompts the return to my room.

  It actually feels good to elevate my legs in the bed again.

  “Thank you for taking me out, Dad,” I tell him, smiling.

  “You’re welcome, sweetheart. It’s great to see you smile again. Hey, and I have a surprise for you. I was going to wait, but since this has already turned into such a great day, I think this will make it even better.”

  He reaches into his briefcase and pulls out a box. When placed on my lap, I am happy to receive a new phone. “Yay! I’ve been having withdrawal.” I laugh.

  “It’s a newer version of the last one you had. I hope you enjoy it. I’m going to go home and change. I need to get a few things for work, but I’ll be back in an hour. I program
med my number in the phone just in case you need me, but I promise I won’t be long.”

  “Dad, I’ve told you before. It’s fine. You don’t need to spend every second with me here. Besides, I bet Megan would like to spend a little time with you too, you know.” Megan, my stepmom, has visited me a few times, but usually my father monopolizes all of my time.

  “Don’t worry about Megan. You remember her sister and her family live here. She has enjoyed spending time with them.”

  Once he’s gone, I open the box and check out my new phone. It dawns on me that I don’t have numbers for any of my friends though. Chasity doesn’t have the same last name as her mom because her mom remarried after divorcing Chasity’s father years ago. I don’t think they have a home phone anyway. I know Cal doesn’t.

  Shit. I have to figure out a way to reach them, but I need to do it while Dad’s gone. Dang it.

  Looking on the internet for a whole hour, I’ve come up with nothing. Facebook is freaking blocked. Blocked! I’m unable to get snap chat, Instagram, anything. I’m so pissed. It was just a ruse. Dad doesn’t trust me, and damn it, I still don’t trust him either.

  Now

  Stretching my arms wide, my eyes open to the morning sun shining through the window. A small moment of confusion quickly transitions into realization. I’m free.

  My knee is usually sore in the mornings so it takes me a minute to get dressed and get my tennis shoes on, but as soon as I’m ready, I step outside to take a look around. The winter breeze fills my senses with the smells of trees, the lake, and of home. Brings back memories. Of love, safety. Of giving myself to Cal.