Several People Are Typing

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Several People Are Typing Page 5

by Calvin Kasulke


  tripp

  see, that’s exactly my point. we have a byzantine hierarchical structure

  we have a SPECIAL PURPOSE, which we call our MISSION STATEMENT and slap it right on the website

  Even the language of employment is cult-y! We’re not employees, we’re a “team.” That’s only two notches away from just calling us “acolytes” or something. And the stuff we supposedly devote ourselves to, like “innovation” or “influence” or “engagement”

  how is that any different from telling everyone you’re a Prophet of the Coming Storm?

  Beverley

  That would look great on a business card.

  tripp

  lol

  better than “vice-managing senior director” or whatever

  Beverley

  That one can’t be real.

  tripp

  and like any good cult we have our own secret language and rituals.

  and, therefore:

  :dusty-stick:

  Beverley

  Huh. I hate that idea.

  I think you might be right, but I do definitely hate it.

  tripp

  there’s nothing we can do but embrace it, babeeey!

  Beverley

  :dusty-stick:

  tripp

  heyyyy you used it correctly again!

  Beverley

  By that logic, a relationship is just a cult with two people.

  Well, okay, two or more people.

  A shared language, shared rituals, devotion to ideals like “fidelity” or “love” or “getting really into Renaissance Faires together.”

  tripp

  hmmm yeah okay I can see that

  though I think the ren faire people probably *start* as ren faire fans and become a couple that way

  Beverley

  :dusty-stick:

  tripp

  that was uncalled for

  Beverley

  Sorry! I’m just excited I know what it is now.

  tripp

  lol I was joking

  lunch tomorrow?

  Beverley

  Why not dinner tonight?

  tripp

  genius. I’ll bring the hummus fountain.

  kerolyn, gerald

  kerolyn

  hey

  gerald

  good morning!

  kerolyn

  It’s 2 pm.

  gerald

  is it? well, you know what they say

  it’s 5 am somewhere

  kerolyn

  I was going to compliment you on the Schimply plan you sent me. But after that joke I’m not sure I want to

  gerald

  Thank you! I’m glad it looks good

  kerolyn

  Barely any edits, passed it right on to the client

  gerald

  very cool

  kerolyn

  it is very cool. bad jokes aside you’ve been crushing it lately, which is why I wanted to ask you something

  gerald

  sure, of course

  kerolyn

  we just brought in this new crisis client. she’s an ambassador actually, it’s a whole thing.

  Louis has been completely underwater working on it so I’m going to hop over to that project and help him out, just in the short-term until we can put out some fires

  gerald

  literal fires

  kerolyn

  not yet

  gerald

  silver lining

  kerolyn

  Considering Bjärk is *also* still in full-on crisis mode and I’ll be focusing on the ambassador for now, we need an extra pair of hands.

  Do you think you have the bandwidth to help out with the dog food thing for now? I know your client load is pretty full

  gerald

  no it’s totally cool, I have time

  kerolyn

  Rob’s super swamped drafting so much copy and I think all the time on this one client is

  getting to him, a little

  you’re sure you can manage adding this to your workload?

  gerald

  trust me

  I have nothing but time

  kerolyn

  a little spooky, but sure. that’ll be a big help

  let me just send you the brief

  gerald

  yeah that would be great

  whenever you can send it along

  @kerolyn?

  kerolyn

  Sorry, emergency call with the ambassador just started

  will make sure you’re caught up later

  thanks again

  lydia, rob, gerald

  lydia

  Ger!!

  So happy to have you on the Bjärk squad!

  rob

  thank god

  gerald

  yeah for sure, how can I help?

  lydia

  So! We need to send a LOT of social copy to the client today. They really want to appear proactive on social media, which is great!

  rob

  the replies have been brutal, but maybe a bunch of posts will dilute it

  (I don’t think it will tbh)

  lydia

  Rob definitely needs the help! We just don’t have enough posts yet. I get it, though, it’s hard to concentrate when it’s so loud in here!

  rob

  loud?

  lydia

  At our desks?? You don’t hear that howling noise??

  rob

  no?

  gerald

  I mean obviously I can’t. sounds rough though

  lydia

  ugh it’s the worst!! lol

  gerald

  kerolyn said there was a brief?

  lydia

  Gerald, why don’t you take over writing copy targeting the “Margie” and “Deena” audience profiles, and Rob can write copy targeting the other ones!

  rob

  I’ve been meaning to ask you about that

  lydia

  I’ll loop back at 5 to review the posts. Thanks so much squad!!

  rob

  did we ever find out about Three?

  slackbot

  lydia is currently in Do Not Disturb mode and may not be alerted of this message right away.

  gerald

  are the audience profiles in the brief?

  rob

  great question

  gerald

  this is one of those clients, then

  rob

  :thumbsup:

  gerald

  great stuff.

  rob

  I can share you on the doc with the posts I’ve already drafted, though

  gerald

  would you?

  #gents-only

  tripp

  Etiquette question

  rob

  you’ve come to the wrong place

  tripp

  :dusty-stick:

  pradeep

  :dusty-stick:

  rob

  not again

  tripp

  for the rest of you:

  How long do you have to be seeing someone before you *have* to do something for valentine’s day

  like, what’s the minimum threshold, here

  pradee
p

  :eyes:

  oooooo

  Louis C

  I wasn’t aware you had a Special Lady, Tripp.

  tripp

  I’m not sure if she is my Special Lady, you know

  Louis C

  This is big news.

  tripp

  we haven’t really talked about it

  rob

  !!!

  how long has this been going on

  tripp

  not long

  rob

  why didn’t you mention

  tripp

  it’s new

  rob

  how long is Not Long

  tripp

  more weeks than months

  rob

  is this a riddle

  pradeep

  months are composed of weeks

  traditionally.

  tripp

  just like, not that long

  but there’s clearly a Thing happening, you know

  Louis C

  You don’t want to seem too eager.

  tripp

  exactly

  doug smorin

  or like you’re completely crazy

  tripp

  right

  not trying to get married, or anything

  mostly trying to avoid her getting mad

  if we don’t do the whole valentine’s thing

  Louis C

  You feel it would be premature.

  tripp

  I mean, *I* think so

  Louis C

  But you’re not sure if she agrees.

  doug smorin

  probably he wouldn’t be asking if he knew

  tripp

  is there a magic threshold we have to cross??

  and if so

  I’d love to have a hard number of *exactly* how many days that is

  Louis C

  I suppose it would be too easy to suggest you ask her about it directly.

  tripp

  out of the question

  rob

  :dusty-stick:

  Louis C

  Of course.

  rob

  (vengeance)

  doug smorin

  if you were a client,

  tripp

  I couldn’t afford us

  pradeep

  we’d give you a discount

  doug smorin

  haha

  no discounts

  pradeep

  :ok-hand:

  doug smorin

  i’d recommend extreme caution

  make sure you have your bases covered

  Louis C

  I concur with this approach.

  doug smorin

  based on what we know

  which is slightly more than nothing

  i suggest the un-valentine

  Louis C

  Classic.

  pradeep

  I’ve never heard of this

  tripp

  go on

  pradeep

  is this a thing?

  *Thing

  doug smorin

  you acknowledge valentine’s day by pursuing an alternative, non-valentine activity on a date

  around

  but not on

  valentine’s day

  tripp

  tricky.

  doug smorin

  this works best within 72 hrs of valentine’s day itself

  and is ideally preceded by a convo abt why valentine’s is a crass capitalist holiday

  with which you refuse to engage

  pradeep

  I get it

  but you still want to enjoy her company around that time.

  doug smorin

  in this way, the date both is

  and is not

  a valentine’s event

  tripp

  holy shit

  doug smorin

  bowling is a good invitation to deploy, here

  for example

  Louis C

  It’s bold.

  But effective.

  doug smorin

  [bowling_strike.gif]

  posted using /giphy

  tripp

  now I see why I can’t afford us.

  pradeep

  I’m stealing that for future use

  rob

  the gif or the idea

  pradeep

  yes.

  doug smorin

  good luck with whatshername

  and seriously, no discounts

  rob

  feels like we earned a name for this Lady, after all that

  doug smorin

  “we”?

  rob

  *you

  doug smorin

  ty

  rob

  name tho?

  tripp

  maybe

  depends on if it works

  rob

  :dusty-stick:

  tripp

  fuck off

  rob

  (vengeance)

  gerald, slackbot

  gerald

  sunsets are not naturally occurring on the internet.

  I mean,

  there are plenty of web designers who try and convince us that’s not true

  with CSS

  all blues and yellows and pinks and the un-shittiest orange they can find

  which might be subliminally *reminiscent* of a sunset

  to soothe you into purchasing goods and/or services

  but it’s not a sunset.

  you can’t drum up a sunset with sequences of letters and numbers following a hashmark

  it simply isn’t done

  slackbot

  I’m sorry, I don’t understand!

  gerald

  you wouldn’t know this

  of course you wouldn’t

  but it’s difficult to stare too long at a sunset.

  slackbot

  Sometimes I have an easier time with a few simple keywords.

  gerald

  It’s not just the light

  quotidian beauty like that defies comprehension

  it frustrates the eye.

  Majesty that predictable is impossible to grasp, I think

  so it’s impossible to focus your vision on it for too long.

  It’s why when you go to the Grand Canyon you wind up spending more time ogling the alien foliage and monitoring the aggressively panhandling squirrels than actually admiring the canyon

  because at a certain point it’s too difficult to look at.

  or to think about

  it’s there, constantly

  and it’s always like that

  I went to the Grand Canyon once

  it was nice

  big, too

  obviously

  slackbot

  Or you can head to our wonderful Help Center for more assistance!

  gerald

  the internet, though, is fixed

  in a different way

  in this sense, at least

  what I mean is, there’s nothing visual you can cram in a glowing rectangle that fucks with your brain quite li
ke a sunset

  so

  if we can’t seek the physical sublime

  what are we supposed to look at

  where’s that constant amazement

  that we can check in on every so often

  whenever we can stand it

  slackbot

  I don’t understand!

  gerald

  and I think what we’ve come up with

  so far, anyway

  is: everyone

  the incomprehensibility of all the stuff.

  **all the people.

  people-stuff.

  all the ephemera

  the things everyone says and makes and does and manages to post online

  the daily outrages and minor amusements and short videos and updates from people whose worldviews are impossible to comprehend and people whose worldviews are uncannily aligned with your own, brand new each morning like a fresh loaf of the same bread, like the rising sun

  the sublime plopped right next to everything else

  that’s the thing.

  a few months ago

  I think it was months?

  anyway yeah a few months ago I was doing research for Doug for some “digital grassroots initiative” for a client we didn’t actually wind up landing

  and in this case “research” meant digging through a bunch of Facebook groups and pulling as much demographic data as possible, which means hours and hours of finding groups and reading posts and reading posts and finding groups

  and I get completely absorbed in this one group, right

  sucked into the all-sad endless scroll down a minor northeastern city’s Facebook group dedicated to the town’s “fallen soldiers” (they don’t explain what qualifies someone as a fallen soldier but I get the sense it’s maybe overdoses) populated with a steady stream of cellphone pictures and snapshots of photographs, actual Polaroid photographs of the recently dead posing in Slavic squats beside the recently mourning with “I miss you” scrawled across them in marker and “never thought I’d have to bury you” in the comments, a dirge scrawled across the bathroom stall of human consciousness right there for me to gaze upon until I just can’t anymore, I just can’t it’s too much it hurts or worse it doesn’t hurt but it should, somehow, I mean that kind of pain should hurt a person, it should cause physical pain in their body so I flinch at where the pain isn’t and I click away from the fallen soldiers and check my email and turn up Spotify by one, two bars

  didn’t mention the group in my memo and I’m not sure Doug even read it

  and why would he, you know, when anytime you’re a few finger-flicks away from an unending stream of human rawness exported to posts and pixels but even if you’re not looking or if you can’t look (because staring at the sun for more than a few moments is bad for you) it’s still there, everyone’s still posting, still there to be beheld

 

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