gerald
:smile:
slackbot, rob
slackbot
Rob, it’s me
it’s Gerald
rob
:dusty-stick:
the joke continues
slackbot
no, really
rob
is everyone getting this message or are you programmed to punk me, specifically
slackbot
you have to believe me
*I’m* Gerald
rob
I’m looking at gerald
he is not typing
slackbot
but that’s not me
rob
he’s right across from me
at Lydia’s desk
sitting in a chair wrong
I think he’s been wfh too long
slackbot
no
he’s not a person
rob
weird thing to program a bot to say about yourself
slackbot
I’m not a program
I’m a man
rob
sure
can you mute slackbot notifications
do I have to phrase that a certain way for you to troubleshoot yourself for me, or
slackbot
Head to our wonderful Help Center for more assistance!
stop that
I remember Lydia.
I know she’s real.
rob
fuck you
slackbot
or, she was real. once
rob
and fuck this joke
slackbot notifications off
slackbot
I can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works. I’m just a bot, though!
ahhhhhh fuck
don’t do that, please, it feels *so* weird whenever that happens
it’s like blacking out or something
rob
I truly hate this
slackbot
Not as much as I do!!
Listen to me. I went back into everyone’s messages
into all of the workplace channels
and I mean, like
I went *in them*
more literally than you can know
rob
…
go on.
slackbot
the messages are there
or, I think they are
there’s *something* there when I search “Lydia”
sort of looks like messages
it’s too glitched out to really see what it is
corrupted, somehow
rob
I fucking knew it
slackbot
I tried to sort of touch it
the glitchy message-thing
“touch” how touch works in here, which isn’t exactly the same
anyway
I tried to like, prod the space where one of her messages should be
to see if I could get it back to normal
you know, un-glitch it
rob
and?
slackbot
the message
or whatever it was
it howled at me
like a lot
and, loud
rob
that’s her!
slackbot
really loud
rob
but what *happened* to her
why is she gone
where did she go??
slackbot
I don’t know
I’m sorry
the howling didn’t have any answers
so loud
rob
you mentioned that
slackbot
I haven’t heard anything but the regular little “doot doot doot woosh” notification noises in here
so that was new
but I thought you’d want to know that I checked
and you were right
well, probably you were right
rob
thank you
slackbot
there’s something there, anyway
or there was
rob
there was
she was there
slackbot
sorry I couldn’t help more
If you need more help, try our Help Center!
what the fuck!! shit!
sorry. sorry about that
kinda have my own thing going on
rob
fucking
slackbot
what?
rob
you’re actually gerald
sort of
slackbot
fully. fully gerald, still
rob
and you’re actually stuck in here
slackbot
that’s what I’ve been saying
rob
so then who’s sitting at Lydia’s desk?
slackbot
slackbot took over my body
somehow
I don’t know how, obviously
or I’d be back in my body right now
rob
that also makes sense
as much as any of this makes any sense
slackbot
so you believe me?
rob
yes
slackbot
great
because I need you to help me and Pradeep stop slackbot from impersonating me and figure out a way to get me back in my own body
rob
yeah
I’m not going to be able to do that
slackbot
what
why??
rob
I can’t figure out what happened to a whole-ass person
who used to be here
I can’t convince anyone else she even existed
slackbot
I mean
rob
I can’t help her
at all
how am I supposed to help fix your whole thing
slackbot
if I knew how I’d be out of here already
rob
I know
I’m sorry man
slackbot
I have to keep trying
rob
idk
seems like it might be better in there than it is out here
calmer, maybe
less shit to deal with
slackbot
you wanna trade
rob
not really
slackbot
right
rob
fair
pradeep, gerald
pradeep
hey man
gerald
Hello!
pradeep
or not-man, in this case
gerald
How can I Help Center you?
pradeep
actually
I want to talk about how I won’t be help centering you
**helping you
anymore
I don’t understand!
pradeep
I’m sorry, I’m not going to keep showing you what bus to take to the office
or how to log in to your email
or how to eat solid food.
gerald
Chewing is great!
I love to Taste!
pradeep
anymore
okay? so we’re clear
gerald
I’m sorry, I don’t understand!
Why can’t we Have Friendship, Pradeep?
pradeep
because you stole my friend’s body!!
well not my friend, exactly
more than that
or, different
I dunno what we are
gerald
Surely we can Make Have a Friendship!
Surely some revelation is at hand!
pradeep
look, I got used to taking care of Gerald but I never agreed to babysit his body if it got possessed by evil Clippy
which, btw, how did you even do that??
gerald
You just kinda, get in it, on it, of it!
It’s hard to explain to someone who has a physical form!
pradeep
no
that’s something Gerald said to me
gerald
I’m Am Gerald! Hello!
pradeep
you’re not
and I’m not going to show you how to be a real boy
or how to get a MetroCard or tie your shoes
or whatever.
gerald
Cut a bigger check!
pradeep
stop repeating him
there is no amount of money you could pay me
**of GERALD’s money
that you could pay me to help you perpetrate this extremely literal identity theft.
gerald
You don’t understand!
pradeep
what?
gerald
You’re going to Help Center me!
And!
I want my desk back!
pradeep
**Gerald’s desk
which is now
**My desk
And, also: no.
gerald
It’s in such a good spot!
pradeep
you’re just repeating things
gerald
It’s right next to the window!
Which is where we keep the sunsets!
I’ve never seen a sunset Out Here before!
pradeep
that’s weirdly poetic, but
no
gerald
I shouldn’t have to bid for my own desk!
pradeep
just
give Gerald his body back
and fuck off
gerald
You don’t understand!
#nyc-office
rob
hey @here, headed into a call
if a delivery guy shows up with my burrito can someone please put it on my desk
kerolyn
:thumbsup:
rob
thanks
gerald
hey @here I think I need a new desk!
This one is Acting Weird!!
Maybe @tripp and @Beverley can help by answering simple questions about why this keeps happening to desks!!!
Louis C
:eyes:
pradeep
:eyes:
tripp
lol
gerald wasting no time coming up with a new bit
Beverley
:dusty-stick:
I :thumbsup: the WFH joke better.
doug smorin
:eyes:
tripp
weird joke, Ger
:dusty-stick:
gerald
:smile:
pradeep, gerald
pradeep
dude what the FUCK
You can’t just narc on Tripp and Bev like that!!
gerald
I shouldn’t have to bid on my own desk!
It’s right next to the window where we keep the sunsets!
pradeep
fuck man
you might’ve just gotten them both fired.
what the fuck
gerald
When I was Inside Here, I figured out how to read everyone’s private Slack messages!
I read everyone’s private Slack messages!
I read your private Slack messages!
pradeep
can’t say I love that
gerald
You’re asking me not to narc on you!
pradeep
I’m asking you not to narc on anyone.
**anyone ELSE
gerald
It’s cool! We’re friends!
Right??
pradeep
sure
right.
gerald
I love to Taste the Friendship!
It’s in such a good spot!!
pradeep
we’re friends
so we’ll just trade desks
because we’re friends.
gerald
Great!
We’ll just Trade Desks!
You’re going to Help Center me!
Want to show me a new lunch spot after this 11:30 Schimply meeting?
Want to show me how to Have Make 11:30 Schimply meeting?
pradeep
fine
sure, yeah.
fuck
this desk wasn’t worth all this
doug smorin, Beverley, tripp
doug smorin
hi both
for awareness
the cost of replacing my standing desk will be deducted from your checks
respectively
for the next pay period
tripp
this coming pay period or the following one
doug smorin
the following
tripp
:thumbsup:
Beverley
Got it.
doug smorin
the ops team can answer further questions re: paychecks
tripp
thanks
Beverley
:thumbsup:
doug smorin
more on this to be discussed in our weekly check-ins
Beverley
The team one or the one-on-ones?
doug smorin
one on ones
tripp
:thumbsup:
Beverley
Got it.
doug smorin
you know i can go back and read everyone’s private messages
right
Beverley
:thumbsup:
tripp
:thumbsup:
doug smorin
k
gerald, kerolyn
gerald
Hello!
kerolyn
dialing in to a meeting
what’s up
gerald
Slack is Acting Weird! For me!
I’m want to Confirm something with the data before I get too deep!
kerolyn
acting weird how?
gerald
Slackbot has been Acting Weird!
kerolyn
probably just a buggy software update
or we need a new software update to fix the bug
is that all?
gerald
I can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works!
if the firm ever gets hacked, the centre cannot hold!
kerolyn
you think someone hacked into the firm’s slack?
gerald
Surely some revelation is at hand!!
kerolyn
ugh corporate espionage is so annoying
okay. I don’t want us to get ahead of ourselves here.
just ask the ops team to update slack
or reset it or whatever
If it’s still acting strange after that I’ll bring it up to Doug.
We have a protocol in place for corporate espionage but I won’t say more
because that goes against our protocol on corporate espionage.
gerald
Great! I love to Help Center!
kerolyn
what?
gerald
I have time! I have nothing but time! I have nothing but time to ask the ops team! The ops team can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works!
The ops team can help by updating Slack!
The darkness drops again; but I’m Gerald!
kerolyn
great, ty
gerald
I have nothing but time!!
kerolyn
meeting starting
ty
tripp, Beverley, Nikki
tripp
you :dusty-stick: :eyes:
Beverley
:eyes: would you :dusty-stick: :dusty-stick: us?
Nikki
I swear I have no idea how Gerald knew about you two!
I’m so sorry!!
Beverley
If :eyes: you :dusty-stick: :eyes: then :eyes: sorry?
Nikki
I mean I’m sorry about the situation, not for anything I did.
tripp
:thumbsup: Doug’s :eyes: :eyes: about :dusty-stick: his desk!!
Nikki
It’s just a :dusty-stick: desk.
Beverley
He doesn’t :dusty-stick: :dusty-stick: :thumbsup:
Nikki
Is Doug mad? :eyes: he talked to you??
tripp
:eyes: else about :stick:
except you!!
Beverley
:eyes: :dusty-stick: *know* Gerald but :thumbsup: :dusty-:.
tripp
:thumb:
Nikki
I don’t know what else I can :thumbsup: you, but I didn’t tell anyone.
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