Book Read Free

Several People Are Typing

Page 14

by Calvin Kasulke


  slackbot

  no, I mean

  I would have preferred to have been there

  pradeep

  right

  slackbot

  for the sex

  pradeep

  oh

  ohhh

  slackbot

  right

  …

  you still there?

  pradeep

  yeah sorry I’m here

  slackbot

  cool

  pradeep

  so.

  wait.

  slackbot

  I’m trying to say that I reciprocate your feelings

  the ones you were having difficulty explaining before

  without insulting my beard

  pradeep

  I wasn’t insulting it!!

  I was trying to illustrate my surprise at my attraction

  slackbot

  still not helping

  pradeep

  to you

  yeah no this line of thought is bad

  let’s go back to the part where you’re into me, too

  slackbot

  I think, since I’ve been in here, maybe my “expressing human emotion” muscles have atrophied

  pradeep

  all your muscles have atrophied

  it took you twenty minutes to get up three flights of stairs today

  and you were winded

  slackbot

  can you please just let me say I have a crush on you

  and you taking care of my body has been deeply meaningful to me

  I’m sorry, I don’t understand!

  and my only reminder that humanity isn’t just this overwhelming cacophony of noise and drudgery but like

  something worth returning to

  Sometimes I have an easier time with a few simple keywords.

  look there was a while there when I thought, you know what, I’ll stay

  just stay in here, indefinitely

  why fight it, you know, it’s easier here, there’s so much less to deal with

  less of everything, less of me

  I’m just a bot, though!

  but then we kept talking and I wanted to keep talking with you and me wanting to talk with you more turned into me wanting just, more

  of you

  I’m just a bot, though!

  but now there’s less of me every day and I can’t let that happen

  not yet

  I’m just a bot, though!

  pradeep

  Gerald?

  slackbot

  it’s fine

  I mean, it isn’t

  you know early on in this whole thing, being in here,

  slackbot thanked me for waking him up

  pradeep

  “twenty centuries of stony sleep,” right

  slackbot

  right

  deepu, I don’t want to go to sleep in here.

  pradeep

  I won’t let that happen.

  slackbot

  I know you won’t.

  you haven’t let me down since this all started.

  pradeep

  man

  I didn’t even know you were gay

  slackbot

  bi, yeah

  pradeep

  you never brought it up at the office

  slackbot

  you didn’t ask

  #nyc-office

  kerolyn

  does anyone know where all the dry erase markers that used to be in the big conference room went?

  Nikki

  Oh sorry, I have them.

  About to head into a meeting, I’ll bring them over on my way to the other room.

  kerolyn

  thanks

  slackbot, Nikki, Louis C, pradeep

  slackbot

  ???

  you all there?

  Nikki

  We’re hosting the meeting over slack because Gerald is stuck in the computer, Louis.

  slackbot

  in the app, I think, more than the computer

  but yes thank you

  was louis talking

  Louis C

  I was spitballing ideas aloud, yes. My apologies.

  I forgot about your condition.

  slackbot

  it’s cool

  I’m just a bot, though!

  what conference room did you all get

  pradeep

  the medium-big one

  it’s the most soundproof

  slackbot

  but no one will be talking??

  Louis C

  As I said, I forgot about your condition.

  Nikki

  We are gathered here to discuss how to release Gerald from his “condition.”

  slackbot

  Or you can head to our wonderful

  wait where’s

  Help Center for more assistance!

  slackbot right now

  pradeep

  at your desk

  Louis C

  Pradeep guided him into his chair very gently this morning.

  pradeep

  he was gonna hurt your back all crouched over like a goblin

  it’s less obvious than it sounds, Louis was the only other person in the office.

  Louis C

  It was very tender.

  slackbot

  thanks man

  pradeep

  of course

  Nikki

  :eyes:

  slackbot

  ??

  Nikki

  So! Anyone have any Slackbot-exorcism ideas to start with?

  Louis C

  Do we need to remove Slackbot or reinsert Gerald?

  slackbot

  I’m just a bot, though!

  both please

  pradeep

  I tried wearables about a month ago. no luck

  Nikki

  Even those awful Snapchat ones?

  pradeep

  yeah, none of them did anything

  Nikki

  Okay, so that’s one un-idea.

  pradeep

  just sharing data

  slackbot

  Or you can head to our wonderful Help Center for more assistance!

  Nikki

  Did you try any cords or anything?

  pradeep

  cords?

  Nikki

  Firewire, USB, etc.

  pradeep

  where would I plug them in?

  slackbot

  lol

  Nikki

  What’s :eyes: about?

  slackbot

  it was a funny response

  deepu is,

  Sometimes

  occasionally,

  I have an easier time with

  funny

  a few simple keywords.

  pradeep

  lol thanks man

  Nikki

  Is something going on here?

  slackbot

  besides the obvious?

  Nikki

  Which part do you think is obvious?

  slackbot

  either my disembodiment or the intimacy deepu and I develop
ed having bonded over the course of answering simple questions about how Slack works a monthslong and highly improbable scenario

  related to the aforementioned disembodiment

  pradeep

  we’re into each other, is what he means

  slackbot

  yes that

  I would like my body back so we can “100% fuck each other”

  as I believe you once put it, Nikki

  Nikki

  :eyes:

  :eyes:

  :eyes:

  slackbot

  I’m sorry, I don’t understand!

  Louis C

  Congratulations!

  slackbot

  If you need more help, try our Help Center!

  would reserve that for once we figure this all out

  Nikki

  [omg.gif]

  posted using /giphy

  slackbot

  but thank you

  pradeep

  yeah we should get back to brainstorming

  Nikki

  Deepu I demand details at our next happy hour

  pradeep

  fine, yes

  slackbot

  I can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works. I’m just a bot, though!

  can we return to the task at hand please?

  Louis C

  Should we be writing these notes on the whiteboard?

  Nikki

  About the fucking?

  pradeep

  then Gerald can’t see

  Louis C

  Perhaps a google doc instead, then.

  pradeep

  oh

  Louis C

  To compile ideas.

  Nikki

  Ohhhh.

  slackbot

  omg

  Louis C

  What?

  pradeep

  the spreadsheet

  Nikki

  The spreadsheet.

  slackbot

  the spreadsheet

  with the coats

  Louis C

  The one you were talking about in #gents-only?

  slackbot

  the one I was working in when I got stuck in here in the first place

  Louis C

  Oh.

  Ohhh.

  I see.

  Nikki

  Maybe that was the thing that did it.

  Louis C

  And therefore could, presumably, undo it.

  slackbot

  it *was* jinxed

  I’m just a bot, though!

  or cursed

  or haunted, or something

  right?

  Louis C

  It might be worth reporting the error, yes.

  pradeep

  see

  this is why I hate spreadsheets

  slackbot

  If you need more help

  but how do we get slackbot

  try our Help Center

  to open it

  Nikki

  You mean without seeming Extremely Suspicious?

  slackbot

  right

  Louis C

  Is now the time to track our ideation in a shared document?

  pradeep

  I can do it

  slackbot

  won’t that be weird for you, considering

  how Slack works

  everything

  Nikki

  Was there a not-weird part of this I missed?

  pradeep

  ^she has a point

  it’ll be fine, probably

  it’ll be like kicking a one-night stand out of bed

  slackbot

  *out of bod

  Nikki

  :dusty-stick:

  pradeep

  :dusty-stick:

  Louis C

  I believe it would be best if we set a deadline.

  slackbot

  well yeah

  I’m the just sooner a the bot better though!

  Louis C

  I am referring to this all-staff email from the ops team, which has just landed in my inbox.

  pradeep

  fuck

  slackbot

  what does it say?

  Louis C

  I misspoke just now. This email seems to have set the deadline for us.

  slackbot

  help by answering simple questions

  Nikki

  They’re doing some kind of Slack system update or upgrade or refresh or whatever. Everyone’s supposed to restart their laptops by EOD so it can take effect company-wide.

  slackbot

  fuck.

  pradeep

  so we have until six.

  Nikki

  Come on, no one goes home at six.

  pradeep

  I do

  sometimes

  Louis C

  Almost no one.

  Nikki

  We have until, like, quarter to seven.

  slackbot

  until I’m just a bot, though! hard-reset out of existence, you mean?

  pradeep

  it probably won’t be

  good

  for you, I mean

  Nikki

  We still have a plan.

  slackbot

  we have a spreadsheet.

  pradeep

  that’s gonna have to be enough

  slackbot

  help

  Louis C

  It appears we have our next steps in place.

  I’ll circulate the notes shortly.

  Beverley, tripp

  Beverley

  This shouldn’t be surprising to you.

  tripp

  :dus: :sty-sti:

  :c:

  :k:

  Beverley

  No, I don’t think it was inevitable he’d find out.

  *Probable* maybe. But not inevitable.

  tripp

  :bsup: :ck: :dus:

  :ty-s:

  Beverley

  If I thought it was inevitable I never would have done this.

  tripp

  :y-stic: :k: :eye: :eye: :eye:

  Beverley

  All of this. This job, you, this whole situation.

  tripp

  :bsup: :sup: :th:

  :th:

  :st: :y-: :y-: :y-:

  :y-: :y-:

  :y:

  Beverley

  Don’t be dramatic.

  I’m not being hurtful, I’m expressing regret. I’m not blaming you for anything.

  tripp

  :y-: :sti: :y-:

  :y-: :y-: :-:

  Beverley

  *This* is the inevitable part! Obviously! You’re only making it more difficult.

  tripp

  :-:

  :-:

  :-:

  :-:

  :-:

  :y:

  Beverley

  We’re done, Tripp. Okay?

  tripp

  :-:

  :-:

  :thumb:

  #bjärk-dog-food

  kerolyn


  heads up @channel

  just got off the phone with the client

  doug smorin

  not seeing an external with them on my cal

  kerolyn

  it was urgent, they called my cell

  doug smorin

  ??

  kerolyn

  question for you @rob

  rob

  what’s up?

  kerolyn

  Did you post 54 tweets to Bjärk’s account last night?

  doug smorin

  54

  as in the number fifty-four

  kerolyn

  @rob?

  rob

  that seems high

  kerolyn

  The client didn’t approve them. And we definitely didn’t approve them internally

  doug smorin

  which tweets are these?

  kerolyn

  Some examples of the unapproved posts:

  It’s great for your dog, and it’s more nutritious than ever! Our improved Classic Formula knows what you’ve done and will find you if you don’t repent, Deena!

  Our mouthwatering Classic Formula is made with tender, organic chicken breasts and CONFESS YOUR SINS, DEENA now with Improved FlavorTaste™!

  So good, dogs will howl for it! So good, dogs will howl for it! So good, dogs will howl for it! So good, dogs will howl for it! So good, dogs will HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, DEENA for it! So good, dogs will howl for it! So good, dogs will howl for it!

  New to our lineup, Zesty Bacon-flavored meals will help the dogs you murdered haunt you for all time, relentlessly pursuing their vengeance unless you turn yourself in TODAY!

  doug smorin

  I definitely don’t remember approving these

  were all the posts like this?

  kerolyn

  all of them

  rob

  oh weird

  looks like they were hacked

  kerolyn

  you’re saying you didn’t post these?

  rob

  what did the client say?

  when they called you

  doug smorin

  I’m assuming they fired us

  kerolyn

  they figured out who’s been poisoning all the dog food.

  rob

  really??

  doug smorin

  good news for the mastiffs

  kerolyn

  pomeranians

  doug smorin

  them too

  so wait

  what’s the scoop?

  kerolyn

  a woman came forward this morning

  to confess to poisoning the dog food

  rob

  who was it?

  kerolyn

  that’s the weird part

  as if this whole thing isn’t the weird part

  her name *was* Deena

 

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