Several People Are Typing
Page 14
slackbot
no, I mean
I would have preferred to have been there
pradeep
right
slackbot
for the sex
pradeep
oh
ohhh
slackbot
right
…
you still there?
pradeep
yeah sorry I’m here
slackbot
cool
pradeep
so.
wait.
slackbot
I’m trying to say that I reciprocate your feelings
the ones you were having difficulty explaining before
without insulting my beard
pradeep
I wasn’t insulting it!!
I was trying to illustrate my surprise at my attraction
slackbot
still not helping
pradeep
to you
yeah no this line of thought is bad
let’s go back to the part where you’re into me, too
slackbot
I think, since I’ve been in here, maybe my “expressing human emotion” muscles have atrophied
pradeep
all your muscles have atrophied
it took you twenty minutes to get up three flights of stairs today
and you were winded
slackbot
can you please just let me say I have a crush on you
and you taking care of my body has been deeply meaningful to me
I’m sorry, I don’t understand!
and my only reminder that humanity isn’t just this overwhelming cacophony of noise and drudgery but like
something worth returning to
Sometimes I have an easier time with a few simple keywords.
look there was a while there when I thought, you know what, I’ll stay
just stay in here, indefinitely
why fight it, you know, it’s easier here, there’s so much less to deal with
less of everything, less of me
I’m just a bot, though!
but then we kept talking and I wanted to keep talking with you and me wanting to talk with you more turned into me wanting just, more
of you
I’m just a bot, though!
but now there’s less of me every day and I can’t let that happen
not yet
I’m just a bot, though!
pradeep
Gerald?
slackbot
it’s fine
I mean, it isn’t
you know early on in this whole thing, being in here,
slackbot thanked me for waking him up
pradeep
“twenty centuries of stony sleep,” right
slackbot
right
deepu, I don’t want to go to sleep in here.
pradeep
I won’t let that happen.
slackbot
I know you won’t.
you haven’t let me down since this all started.
pradeep
man
I didn’t even know you were gay
slackbot
bi, yeah
pradeep
you never brought it up at the office
slackbot
you didn’t ask
#nyc-office
kerolyn
does anyone know where all the dry erase markers that used to be in the big conference room went?
Nikki
Oh sorry, I have them.
About to head into a meeting, I’ll bring them over on my way to the other room.
kerolyn
thanks
slackbot, Nikki, Louis C, pradeep
slackbot
???
you all there?
Nikki
We’re hosting the meeting over slack because Gerald is stuck in the computer, Louis.
slackbot
in the app, I think, more than the computer
but yes thank you
was louis talking
Louis C
I was spitballing ideas aloud, yes. My apologies.
I forgot about your condition.
slackbot
it’s cool
I’m just a bot, though!
what conference room did you all get
pradeep
the medium-big one
it’s the most soundproof
slackbot
but no one will be talking??
Louis C
As I said, I forgot about your condition.
Nikki
We are gathered here to discuss how to release Gerald from his “condition.”
slackbot
Or you can head to our wonderful
wait where’s
Help Center for more assistance!
slackbot right now
pradeep
at your desk
Louis C
Pradeep guided him into his chair very gently this morning.
pradeep
he was gonna hurt your back all crouched over like a goblin
it’s less obvious than it sounds, Louis was the only other person in the office.
Louis C
It was very tender.
slackbot
thanks man
pradeep
of course
Nikki
:eyes:
slackbot
??
Nikki
So! Anyone have any Slackbot-exorcism ideas to start with?
Louis C
Do we need to remove Slackbot or reinsert Gerald?
slackbot
I’m just a bot, though!
both please
pradeep
I tried wearables about a month ago. no luck
Nikki
Even those awful Snapchat ones?
pradeep
yeah, none of them did anything
Nikki
Okay, so that’s one un-idea.
pradeep
just sharing data
slackbot
Or you can head to our wonderful Help Center for more assistance!
Nikki
Did you try any cords or anything?
pradeep
cords?
Nikki
Firewire, USB, etc.
pradeep
where would I plug them in?
slackbot
lol
Nikki
What’s :eyes: about?
slackbot
it was a funny response
deepu is,
Sometimes
occasionally,
I have an easier time with
funny
a few simple keywords.
pradeep
lol thanks man
Nikki
Is something going on here?
slackbot
besides the obvious?
Nikki
Which part do you think is obvious?
slackbot
either my disembodiment or the intimacy deepu and I develop
ed having bonded over the course of answering simple questions about how Slack works a monthslong and highly improbable scenario
related to the aforementioned disembodiment
pradeep
we’re into each other, is what he means
slackbot
yes that
I would like my body back so we can “100% fuck each other”
as I believe you once put it, Nikki
Nikki
:eyes:
:eyes:
:eyes:
slackbot
I’m sorry, I don’t understand!
Louis C
Congratulations!
slackbot
If you need more help, try our Help Center!
would reserve that for once we figure this all out
Nikki
[omg.gif]
posted using /giphy
slackbot
but thank you
pradeep
yeah we should get back to brainstorming
Nikki
Deepu I demand details at our next happy hour
pradeep
fine, yes
slackbot
I can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works. I’m just a bot, though!
can we return to the task at hand please?
Louis C
Should we be writing these notes on the whiteboard?
Nikki
About the fucking?
pradeep
then Gerald can’t see
Louis C
Perhaps a google doc instead, then.
pradeep
oh
Louis C
To compile ideas.
Nikki
Ohhhh.
slackbot
omg
Louis C
What?
pradeep
the spreadsheet
Nikki
The spreadsheet.
slackbot
the spreadsheet
with the coats
Louis C
The one you were talking about in #gents-only?
slackbot
the one I was working in when I got stuck in here in the first place
Louis C
Oh.
Ohhh.
I see.
Nikki
Maybe that was the thing that did it.
Louis C
And therefore could, presumably, undo it.
slackbot
it *was* jinxed
I’m just a bot, though!
or cursed
or haunted, or something
right?
Louis C
It might be worth reporting the error, yes.
pradeep
see
this is why I hate spreadsheets
slackbot
If you need more help
but how do we get slackbot
try our Help Center
to open it
Nikki
You mean without seeming Extremely Suspicious?
slackbot
right
Louis C
Is now the time to track our ideation in a shared document?
pradeep
I can do it
slackbot
won’t that be weird for you, considering
how Slack works
everything
Nikki
Was there a not-weird part of this I missed?
pradeep
^she has a point
it’ll be fine, probably
it’ll be like kicking a one-night stand out of bed
slackbot
*out of bod
Nikki
:dusty-stick:
pradeep
:dusty-stick:
Louis C
I believe it would be best if we set a deadline.
slackbot
well yeah
I’m the just sooner a the bot better though!
Louis C
I am referring to this all-staff email from the ops team, which has just landed in my inbox.
pradeep
fuck
slackbot
what does it say?
Louis C
I misspoke just now. This email seems to have set the deadline for us.
slackbot
help by answering simple questions
Nikki
They’re doing some kind of Slack system update or upgrade or refresh or whatever. Everyone’s supposed to restart their laptops by EOD so it can take effect company-wide.
slackbot
fuck.
pradeep
so we have until six.
Nikki
Come on, no one goes home at six.
pradeep
I do
sometimes
Louis C
Almost no one.
Nikki
We have until, like, quarter to seven.
slackbot
until I’m just a bot, though! hard-reset out of existence, you mean?
pradeep
it probably won’t be
good
for you, I mean
Nikki
We still have a plan.
slackbot
we have a spreadsheet.
pradeep
that’s gonna have to be enough
slackbot
help
Louis C
It appears we have our next steps in place.
I’ll circulate the notes shortly.
Beverley, tripp
Beverley
This shouldn’t be surprising to you.
tripp
:dus: :sty-sti:
:c:
:k:
Beverley
No, I don’t think it was inevitable he’d find out.
*Probable* maybe. But not inevitable.
tripp
:bsup: :ck: :dus:
:ty-s:
Beverley
If I thought it was inevitable I never would have done this.
tripp
:y-stic: :k: :eye: :eye: :eye:
Beverley
All of this. This job, you, this whole situation.
tripp
:bsup: :sup: :th:
:th:
:st: :y-: :y-: :y-:
:y-: :y-:
:y:
Beverley
Don’t be dramatic.
I’m not being hurtful, I’m expressing regret. I’m not blaming you for anything.
tripp
:y-: :sti: :y-:
:y-: :y-: :-:
Beverley
*This* is the inevitable part! Obviously! You’re only making it more difficult.
tripp
:-:
:-:
:-:
:-:
:-:
:y:
Beverley
We’re done, Tripp. Okay?
tripp
:-:
:-:
:thumb:
#bjärk-dog-food
kerolyn
heads up @channel
just got off the phone with the client
doug smorin
not seeing an external with them on my cal
kerolyn
it was urgent, they called my cell
doug smorin
??
kerolyn
question for you @rob
rob
what’s up?
kerolyn
Did you post 54 tweets to Bjärk’s account last night?
doug smorin
54
as in the number fifty-four
kerolyn
@rob?
rob
that seems high
kerolyn
The client didn’t approve them. And we definitely didn’t approve them internally
doug smorin
which tweets are these?
kerolyn
Some examples of the unapproved posts:
It’s great for your dog, and it’s more nutritious than ever! Our improved Classic Formula knows what you’ve done and will find you if you don’t repent, Deena!
Our mouthwatering Classic Formula is made with tender, organic chicken breasts and CONFESS YOUR SINS, DEENA now with Improved FlavorTaste™!
So good, dogs will howl for it! So good, dogs will howl for it! So good, dogs will howl for it! So good, dogs will howl for it! So good, dogs will HOW COULD YOU DO THIS, DEENA for it! So good, dogs will howl for it! So good, dogs will howl for it!
New to our lineup, Zesty Bacon-flavored meals will help the dogs you murdered haunt you for all time, relentlessly pursuing their vengeance unless you turn yourself in TODAY!
doug smorin
I definitely don’t remember approving these
were all the posts like this?
kerolyn
all of them
rob
oh weird
looks like they were hacked
kerolyn
you’re saying you didn’t post these?
rob
what did the client say?
when they called you
doug smorin
I’m assuming they fired us
kerolyn
they figured out who’s been poisoning all the dog food.
rob
really??
doug smorin
good news for the mastiffs
kerolyn
pomeranians
doug smorin
them too
so wait
what’s the scoop?
kerolyn
a woman came forward this morning
to confess to poisoning the dog food
rob
who was it?
kerolyn
that’s the weird part
as if this whole thing isn’t the weird part
her name *was* Deena