A Beginner's Guide to Criminality: How to be A Successful Villain
Page 4
chance. Nearly half the time they let you off or give you an easy community sentence instead of banging you up. Simple.”
What's the work/life balance like?
“It’s brilliant! I go out robbin’ when I feel like it and, when I don’t, I just sit around the house watching TV or spending time with the nippers, waiting for my ‘wages’ - me benefits - to land!
What about career development opportunities?
“They’re endless. It’s a growth industry. My mate - Barry the Bastard we call him - started out as a petty thief and street rat; now he does armed robberies at bookies and post offices. When he gets out again in a couple of years he reckons he’s got enough saved to retire in Costa Del Sol."
Are there any other perks?
“Good God yes! When you get a bit of notoriety and people start taking you seriously as a villain, people bend over backwards to help you and be nice. In my neighbourhood I can walk down the street and people want to say ‘hello’ – then they go and make sure their windows and doors are properly locked. And it ain’t just the locals that respect you - the probation service give me what i want; the council gave me a new house with an ensuite bathroom last year because they thought it might ‘help me change my ways’. Pah!”
Conclusion
So that concludes this brief guide into criminality. You’re now ready to go forth and plunder. If you heed the advice in this publication you will soon be on your way to criminal stardom and riches beyond your tiny mind’s comprehension.
“Robbin’ ain’t for everyone, but good luck out there. If you’re prepared to work hard and can get your hands on what you want, take it, it’s yours. Mind you, if you come round my gaff trying to help yourself to my stuff you’ll get what’s coming to ya! I’m in Crown Court tomorrow over a couple of burglaries I did, so I won’t be around for a while…”
Hi, I’m PC Surname, a serving police officer in the UK, as well as aspiring writer. Firstly, thanks for reading this far; I wrote this short publication as a bit or fun, so I hope you enjoyed it. If you didn’t, you can stop reading and close the book, throw it away or delete it. If you did like it, then I’ve written a couple of proper books - much longer and better than this, but along the same light-hearted and humorous lines - that you might be interested in reading (click on images to open links to Amazon pages):
I also write a blog you can read for free at www.pcsurname.blogspot.com
I’m also on Facebook www.facebook.com/pcsurname.com and Twitter @pc_surname if you’d like to know about future releases. Thanks again and please, please don't commit any crimes...
PC Surname