The One You Feed

by Renee Miller

  “Introvert,” Ronny corrected.

  “Yeah,” Amy said. “That. So, I don’t go outside ‘cause I don’t like people.”

  Ronny grunted and Dana shot him a warning look. She didn’t need him going off. It wouldn’t help Amy relax. “Maybe you just haven’t met the right people. I used to feel the same way when I was little, but then I met lots of nice people, and now I’m not as shy anymore. I was terrified of meeting you.”

  The little girl’s eyes widened, her hand lowering from her mouth. “Why? I’m just a kid.”

  “Well you’ve been your daddy’s special girl forever. I was worried you wouldn’t like me.”

  “I don’t like anyone,” Amy said. “And Daddy’s retarded. Grandpa says his pin don’t matter.”

  “Opinion and I’m not retarded,” Ronny said. “I told you that’s a bad word.”

  “Grandpa says it’s a fact. Facts can’t be swears, Dad.”

  “Well, let’s just get to know each other,” Dana said, trying to steer the focus away from the awful things Ronny’s parents always seemed to say about him. “If you still don’t like me after today, then you don’t have to come back here. Deal?”

  Amy considered this for a minute before nodding, and then turned to Devon. “I’m Amy, but I won’t shake your hand.”

  “Okay.” Devon looked with distaste at her sodden hand. “Wanna see my GI Joes? I got two new ones from Uncle Danny.”

  “I don’t like those. You got any dolls?”

  “Hayley’s got lots of them.”

  They dashed off to Devon’s room.

  Dana turned to Ronny and smiled. “See? She’s fine.”

  Ronny frowned. “For now. She has a hard time with other kids.”

  She walked around the table to sit on his lap and wrap her arms around his neck. “You worry too much.”

  He grinned, leaning forward to brush his lips across hers.

  “Ahem, gross,” Hayley said from behind them. “Where’s your kid?”

  “That isn’t a proper hello,” he scolded.

  Hayley pretended to pout, but Dana spotted a dimple in her cheek.

  “Where’s my hug?

  “You lied. You said I was your girl and Mommy said me and Amy are. You can’t have two girls.”

  “Ah, you caught me.” Ronny clutched his chest dramatically, eliciting a giggle from Hayley. “I just can’t resist beautiful women. Can you ever forgive me?”

  “We aren’t women, silly.”

  “You aren’t?”

  She shook her head.

  “My mistake. I did buy you the best present ever.”

  Hayley grinned, her anger gone. “The best ever? What is it?”

  “You have to wait until after cake. Mom’s rules.” Ronny pretended to be disappointed.

  Dana frowned.

  “So, where is she?” Hayley asked.

  “She’s in your room with Devon. He’s showing her your dolls.”

  “No way.” She dashed to the bedroom

  Dana held her breath, knowing a blow up was coming. “She doesn’t let anyone touch her dolls.”

  “Oh, sorry.”

  Instead of a blow up, giggles filtered out the kids’ room. Ronny turned to her with a grin. Dana relaxed a notch. “See?” she said. “We worried about nothing. They’ll be just fine.”

  “So maybe this means I was right.”

  Dana sat next to him, picked up a napkin and toyed with its edges. “I don’t know. Things are good the way they are. I’m afraid to change them. It’s like inviting trouble.”

  “You worry over everything.” He took her hand. “I found a nice house, four bedrooms, and a yard. The rent is cheap and it’s close to the school.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “The kids are getting along fine, and I could have Amy back.”

  Dana knew how desperately he wanted his daughter with him. Could she deny him that? “Okay, let’s go see the house. But I’m not saying yes or no. I’m thinking about it.”

  He leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “You’ll agree. We’re going to be great.”

  “First we all should meet your parents.”

  Ronny’s grin disappeared. “I don’t want them around the kids,” he said. “They’re not nice people.”

  Dana shook her head. “That’s fine. They don’t have to be nice people, but if we’re going to be in your life, we need to be part of all of it.”

  “They hate me. They’ll make up lies about me.”

  “I love you. No matter what anyone says, nothing will change that.”

  “I hope that’s true,” he said.

  The buzzer went and a few minutes later Danny burst through the door. The rest of the day was a whirlwind of cake, giggles, fighting, and presents. The pink bicycle that waited downstairs, which Ronny spent hours picking out, was the highlight of Hayley’s birthday. She rode it up and down the street until Dana finally begged her to come inside.

  The only detail to stain the perfect day was when Dana found two of Hayley’s dolls hairless with their faces obliterated by marker. When she showed Ronny, his face darkened and he said he’d deal with it. Dana left it alone. Kids did weird things when jealous. Amy would adjust.

  CHAPTER 23

  November, 1982

  Dana set the last dish in the cupboard and glanced at the clock. She wanted the day to be special and had asked Ronny to be home for dinner. He had been laid off for just over a month and was supposed to be helping his friend Harry get his cattle in. She didn’t worry about him going over there and sharing a few beers after working all day, but it was well past ten. She switched off the kitchen light and went into to the living room to look out the window. If he was drunk, he’d be pissed if he came in and saw she’d waited up for him like he was a child.

  A rumble outside brought Dana out of her reverie. Lights flashed in the window. She turned on the TV to pretend she hadn’t been waiting up just for him, hurried to the couch, and pulled the afghan her mother had made for Devon over her legs.

  Ronny stomped the snow off his boots in the porch before entering and stumbled against the door and into the kitchen. His keys clattered as he tossed them on the table. A pause.

  “You’re late,” she said after the silence stretched too long. Though it wasn’t intentional, an accusatory tone crept in her words. “Did you get the cattle in?”

  “What do you think?”

  The floorboards creaked as he passed through the dining room to stand in front of the couch. The snow had melted in his hair and black curls hung over his brow. “Waiting up for me like a good mom?”

  “No, I was watching a movie.”

  “I thought you hated liars.” He turned off the TV. “Aren’t you going to bitch about how irresponsible I am for driving home?”

  “No,” she lied. “I didn’t know you were drunk.”

  “I’m not. I only had a few. And before you ask, I was at Mike’s. He stopped by Harry’s to see if I wanted one of the pups.”

  “What pups?”

  Ronny tapped the top of the television with his knuckles. “Fuck, you never listen to me, do you? His beagle had a late litter and I said I’d take one so it’d be ready to go out by deer season.”

  “After Amy hurt the neighbor’s cat, we agreed on no pets.” She caught the reddening of his cheeks and the twitching of the muscle in his jaw.

  He turned and pointed a finger. “They can’t prove it was her. Cats get scratched up all the time. Probably fought with one from the farm up the road.”

  “They said it was stabbed, Ron, and they saw her playing with it just before.”

  “You accused her, not anyone else. You hate her because she’s not yours. I’m so fucking sick of hearing how perfect your kids are. It’s bullshit. She wouldn’t act like such a brat if she thought you gave a shit about her.”

  “I love her as much as I love Hayley and Devon. You’re drunk and itching for a fight. I won’t do it.” Dana kicked the afghan off.

  He
stumbled across the living room, and blocked her exit to the stairs. “You’ll sit the fuck down and hear what I have to say.”

  “I’m not talking to you when you’re like this.”

  “Miss Perfect doesn’t drink at all, does she? No, she couldn’t judge us losers if she did.” He shoved her, forcing her back against the couch.

  A loose spring dug into her back, the one that popped out when the kids used it as a trampoline. She never told Ronny that it was them; he believed it happened when she moved it to clean. Ice gripped her stomach but she refused to back down. “Stop. This isn’t you.” She tried to walk around the coffee table and Ronny, but he moved again. “Come on, this is stupid.”

  “Stupid like me, right? Ronny, the fucking retard. You’re such an asshole. You know that?”

  Dana blinked back tears. This type of anger was rare from him, so she hadn’t yet figured out how to deal with it. With Garrett, not reacting became her solution, but if she ignored Ronny, he became enraged. Arguing with him didn’t solve things either, because she never said the right thing. At least he didn’t hit her. Not the way Garrett had.

  She just had to walk away. He’d cool down.

  “You’re right,” she said, backing away. “I’m an asshole, and I don’t appreciate anything. I hate your kid and I coddle mine. I’m a failure. I don’t even know why you’re here. You deserve much better than I can give you.”

  “Don’t patronize me, bitch.”

  The slap came so suddenly that she could only gasp.

  “I do know what the word means, even if I can’t read it.”

  “Hey, I never said—”

  He advanced and she backed into the wall. The arm of the couch pressed into the side of her leg. “Shut up; just shut your lying mouth. I’m so tired of your bullshit. Dana the Saint, poor Dana. It’s always about what you want and how you feel. Ever think I might get tired too?”

  “I’m sorry,” she said. “Please, let’s just go to bed. I don’t want to fight with you.”

  “Maybe you should have thought of that before you called me stupid.”

  “But I—”

  Ronny swung, the impact of his fist slamming her head against the wall behind her.

  She sank to the floor and everything became hazy.

  —

  Hayley stared at the ceiling, her gaze traveling the crack that began over her bed and ended across the room—just short of the doorframe—and then back again. It was hard to sleep with Amy in the room. She snored and sometimes got up and played with Hayley’s toys. She’d told Mommy, but Amy lied and said she didn’t and Mommy said to let it be. Stupid. Why should Amy get to play with her toys? She had her own.

  A rumbling outside, probably Daddy, had her sitting up to peer through the curtains. She could see the river and part of the road, but not the driveway. The door slammed. Yep, Daddy was home. Ronny wasn’t her real dad, but she loved him just like one so she called him Daddy like Amy did. He cried when she first said it, but assured her they were happy tears.

  Grownups were strange sometimes. After talking about it with Mommy, Devon called him Daddy too. Devon was worried that people might think it’s strange, because they already had a dad—the one that used to hurt Mommy and went away. But Mommy told him a dad was someone who loved and cared for you and taught you to fish and play ball.

  Mommy’s voice was low like she wanted to be quiet, but Daddy’s was loud and sounded different. Hayley slipped out of bed and crept to the door. After a quick look around, she tiptoed to the top of the stairs. Devon’s door was open. She could see him from the stairs, his blankets bunched around his legs while he lay sprawled on his back, mouth open. She stifled a giggle and placed her foot on the first step, holding the railing so she didn’t slip. Now she could hear everything. Daddy said a swear. He said lots of swears, but this one always made Mommy mad.

  Devon’s door creaked. Hayley took a step back. He would tell on her for sure. His blond head peeked around the door before she could get away.

  “Go to bed,” he whispered.

  He always bossed her and she hated it. “I want to say night to Daddy.”

  “You’ll get in trouble. He’s had too many beers.”

  “I want to say goodnight.”

  “Just go to bed,” Devon sighed.

  “Why don’t you?”

  He stood, arms crossed, waiting for her to obey. “I will when you do.”

  Well, he wasn’t her boss and she could stay up all night if she wanted. She wasn’t going to bed. Hayley crossed her arms too. Devon shook his head. He opened his mouth, but a loud thump froze the words in his throat. His cheeks went red. If she didn’t know that Devon never cried, she would have bet he was going to right then.

  He pushed her. “I’m serious, Hay. Dad and Mom are fighting, and they’re gonna be real mad if they find us listening. Go to bed.”

  “What was that noise?” Part of her didn’t want to know. Another sound, like a slap and Mommy’s cry floating up the stairs sent a chill down her spine. “What are they doing?”

  “It’s nothing. Go back to your room before he comes up here.”

  Devon pushed and this time she didn’t argue. She walked back to her room, but stopped just outside her door.

  “It’s okay,” he whispered. “They’re just fighting. Everything will be fine in the morning. Parents always fight. It’s normal.”

  “Okay.” She went into her room and climbed back into bed. The creepy wallpaper in the hall was illuminated by the bathroom light. The black pattern, curved lines curling upward, could make you dizzy if you looked at it too long. At night, it reminded Hayley of thousands of coiled fingers, claws waiting to grab her in the darkness.

  More noises, more thumps and yells. Hayley covered her head with her pillow. She reached out for her bear. Clutching him close when she found him, she drifted to sleep; the sounds muffled, almost like a dream.

  CHAPTER 24

  Dana woke early. The reddish light of dawn poured through the window on the opposite wall, casting an eerie glow over Ronny’s features. He frowned in his sleep, as though still suffering for what he’d done. It broke her heart to know how he hurt inside. Her head throbbing, she slid out of bed careful not to wake him.

  Within moments of lashing out at her, he’d been remorseful. Of course, she’d forgiven him. He didn’t mean to hurt her, but this anger had to stop.

  Peeking into the kids’ rooms as she went, she tiptoed down the hall and toward the bathroom. In the bathroom, she stared in the mirror, relieved that her lip wasn’t as bad as it felt. Though it looked bruised under her nose, most of the swelling was on the inside. Dana stared at the bruise, feeling the back of her lip with her tongue.

  After rummaging through the cabinet, she found her tiny bottle of concealer and applied it to cover the marks. She hadn’t used makeup since Garrett.

  This was a one-off, though. Ronny was damaged. His parents destroyed his self-esteem and that was the root of their biggest problems. He had a hard time believing they loved him and Amy. She sometimes forgot he needed reassurance, not scolding.

  Once he’d calmed down and she promised she was okay, they’d gone to bed and she finally told him the news that had her waiting up for him. He cried, apologized again, and then he asked if she wanted to keep it. Their faces nearly touched on the pillow. What did he want her to say? She hadn’t considered not keeping it. “Why wouldn’t I?”

  He’d touched her belly. Then he shifted to lay his head on her chest, his ear over her heart. “Can we afford to have another one? I mean it’s been tough with three. One more seems impossible.”

  “We can’t afford to get rid of it either.”

  He smiled at her, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “No. This is a good thing; it will bring us all together.”

  “Maybe. When do you think we should we tell the kids?”

  “I’m not sure,” he’d said.

  “Let’s wait a couple more weeks, just in case.”


  Hayley came through the door. “Mommy? Are you okay?”

  Dana walked over and scooped her up. “Of course, I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “I heard you and Daddy fight. I was scared.” Hayley tugged at the frayed sleeve of her pink nightie.

  A lump formed in her throat. She didn’t even consider the kids might hear them. Ronny would be devastated to know. “Oh honey, we were just being silly. Everything is fine.”

  “Good, because I don’t like it when you fight.”

  Hayley hugged her and Dana set her down. “Let’s get some breakfast.”

  They crept down the stairs, Dana dramatically shushing Hayley each time the stairs creaked. By the time they made it to the living room, Hayley giggled helplessly.

  Dana switched the light on. A short while later, Devon came into the kitchen. His Spiderman pajamas were rumpled, one leg bunched above his skinny knee. He grumbled at Dana’s smile, climbed on his chair, and rested his head on the edge of the table.

  “Breakfast?” Dana asked.

  “Yep,” he murmured before he drifted once more.

  “You’ll have to wake up to eat it.”

  “Yep.”

  Shaking her head, Dana reached in the cupboard for a bowl. She lifted up on the handle to close it, the hinge bent from Ronny wrenching it open all the time.

  “You’ll have to sit up before your dad comes down,” she warned. Ronny hated when Devon rested his head on the table. He’d said it was unsanitary, and would force him to go sit in the living room until he was fit to have breakfast. This generally resulted in a small argument. She didn’t see any harm in him sitting there but didn’t argue with the rule.

  Amy ran through the living room, barely missing the corner of a glass coffee table sitting in the center of the room. Dana cringed at the noise Amy’s tiny feet made. “Amy, Daddy’s sleeping. Please walk softly.”

  “No.” She stomped to the table. “I like it.”

  “Well then you can explain that to your father when he gets up. He won’t be happy.”

  “I don’t care.”

  Dana bit her tongue. Arguing with a child was pointless and, given the chance, Amy could argue all day. As she poured cereal into the plastic bowls, she thought about Ronny’s accusation; the match that lit the fire in him last night. Did she treat Amy differently? She didn’t think she did. Amy got away with much more than Devon and Hayley, and she tried to love her. She thought she was unfair to her own two most of the time, expecting better behavior from them than she did from Amy.