by Renee Miller
Thunder rattled the windows. Sighing, she went to the kitchen and switched off the light. Might as well go to bed. Waiting for him would only start a fight.
A light flashed in the window, but it wasn’t lightning. He was home.
Dana rushed upstairs, turning off lights as she went. In the bedroom, she flung off her housecoat and climbed into bed. Downstairs the door slammed and Ronny muttered. Cupboard doors slammed, then running water and a thump.
Jacob’s cry echoed in the hall.
She moved to get up but paused at Hayley’s voice. Ronny had awakened the entire house. Muffled sounds filtered through the wall. Hayley was in Jacob’s room. Then, the patter of their feet running down the hall brought a smile to her face.
It took a lot to get Hayley out in the dark hallway, but she’d do anything for her baby brother. How often did Hayley get up with him when she was working? Ronny said he never got up those nights. Maybe Hayley had tended to him before he even heard him cry.
Part of her felt ashamed that her eight-year-old had taken it upon herself to mother her younger brother, but another part was relieved that the old Hayley wasn’t entirely lost. A small piece of the sweet, kindhearted girl remained.
Ronny climbed the stairs. She rolled over and pulled the blankets tightly around her.
“Hayley?” he whispered down the hallway.
A muffled voice and then his again. “Oh, okay. Your mom in bed?”
Hayley muttered something.
Dana assumed it was affirmative, because Ronny whispered goodnight, his voice amiable, and then walked to their room. The door opened, followed by heavy breathing and the stench of beer.
“Dana?”
“Hmmm.”.
“Jacob’s in with Hayley. Did you hear him?” The bed shifted as he sat.
“No.” Dana turned over. “I must have been more tired than I thought.”
“It’s those damn pills.” He slipped off his jeans, leaving them in a heap next to the bed and climbed in next to her.
“I don’t get home from work until after midnight and I’m up by six with the kids. Of course, I’m tired. I only have to take the pills until the prescription runs out, then the doctor will see me again.”
He was silent for a moment. “Are we going to be okay?”
His question startled her. She stirred and leaned on her elbow to look at him. “We’re okay.”
“No, we’re not. I can’t even raise my voice without that look coming across your face.”
“What look?”
“I don’t know, like you’re going to cry or something. I don’t like it.” He touched her cheek, and then cleared his throat. “I’m sorry about everything.”
“You don’t have to—”
“I try not to be the way that I am, but sometimes I think you hate me, and it hurts. I don’t know what else to do when I feel like that.”
Tears slipped down her cheeks. “I could never hate you. I just don’t know what you want me to do anymore.”
“I just want you to love me, to stop judging me.”
Dana stared at him, speechless. This was more than she’d gotten from him in two long years. Emotion had made his voice thick, his breathing sounded shaky as though he might break any moment. It killed her to see him cry. “I don’t judge you; at least I don’t think I do.” She leaned forward to brush her lips against his. “Okay, let’s start again, forget everything, and try to work this out. I love you and you love me. That’s what matters, right?”
“Can we? I mean, we’ve done so much, too much, to each other. I can’t promise I won’t lose my temper again. It’s like there’s an animal inside me and I can’t pull it back once it gets out.”
“Promise me you’ll try, and that’s enough. I’ll try to be more understanding, and not nag you over everything.”
Ronny pulled her close, nuzzling his face in her hair, next to her ear. His cheek felt rough against her skin. “I don’t want to lose you. I’d end it right then and there if you left.”
She pulled back. “Don’t say stuff like that.”
He tightened his embrace, forcing her against him. “It’s true. If you ever left me, I’d have a gun in my mouth in a heartbeat.”
“I won’t leave you.” She didn’t know what else to say. She couldn’t imagine loving someone so much you’d rather die than live without them, not after what she’d tried to do. No one was worth your life. She felt guilty that she couldn’t say the same to him.
“Let’s get married.”
She stiffened. He couldn’t be serious.
“Dana?”
“Sorry, you just surprised me,” she stalled. “You really think we need to get married?”
He kissed her neck, his hand trailing down her back to cup her bottom. “Yes, then I know it’s forever.”
His words, his gentle touch, the sadness she heard in his voice, overwhelmed her. For the first time since she stared at that broken woman in the mirror, Dana felt something. Her heart swelled with feeling. Love and hope that maybe her life would turn around welled in her chest, until she nearly burst into tears. The doctor told her everyone deserved happiness. Maybe this was her turn. “Okay.”
“Really?”
“Of course.”
“You won’t regret it.” Ronny kissed her hard.
She smiled against his mouth and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“When?”
“Let’s just enjoy this right now.” Dana rolled on top of him. “Tomorrow we’ll worry about details.”
—
Dana woke with a start.
Ronny turned away, grumbling in his sleep.
She slipped out of bed, careful not to wake him, and crept out of the room.
The hallway was quiet. The light from the bathroom was out, and everything was nearly black. Ronny must have switched it off, he was the only one Hayley didn’t argue with about the light. One of the kids might have woken her. She stood on the stairs to listen, the wind and rain pounding on the house the only noise breaking the silence.
As she turned back to her room, a movement in the shadows caught her eye. “Hayley?”
“I’m scared,” Hayley said.
She pulled the hem of her nightie down and drew her knees up to her chest, leaning further into the shadows at the end of the hall. Dana crept toward her, terrified by Hayley’s haunted eyes. “Why aren’t you in bed? You’ll get cold out here.”
“Mommy—I’m sorry.” Her voice cracked.
Dana’s gut tightened. “For what? Did you have a nightmare?”
Please let it be nightmares.
Hayley picked at a thread on the bottom of her nightie. “No. Sort of, but the dream isn’t just a dream. It’s real.”
“Dreams aren’t real honey.” Dana sat on the floor in front of her and opened her arms.
Hayley hesitated, then she threw herself in Dana’s arms. “But this one is; it happened. I’m not allowed to tell you. He said you’ll get hurt.”
“I’ll be hurt?” Dana couldn’t breathe. She suspected the enormity of what Hayley was about to tell her, but desperately clung to the hope that it would be something silly. “Nothing you’ve done would ever change how much I love you.”
“He said he’d hurt you. And he said Daddy would want to do it too and then…”
Dana rubbed her back, and kissed the top of her head. Her hair smelled like watermelon. “Honey, you’re not making any sense. Just tell me. No one is going to hurt you or me.”
“I—it’s Grandpa Warren.”
Another piece of Dana cracked and fell away, into the void that swallowed the other pieces cast from her soul. She knew something had happened. Christ, why didn’t she ask when the thought first occurred to her?
Because you were afraid.
“He did things,” Hayley sobbed, her words pouring out. “I let him touch my private spot. I’m so sorry, but I was scared to tell him no.”
Dana fell deep into darkness, but she couldn’t block out he
r daughter’s words. She’d failed again, this time far worse than with her sisters.
Hayley pulled away. “I didn’t want to tell you, I didn’t. It’s just… I can’t keep it inside anymore. Please don’t be mad. I wanted to tell him to stop, but he said—”
“No,” Dana’s voice echoed strong and forceful. It surprised her. “I am not mad at you. This isn’t your fault. Not one bit. Don’t you ever apologize for something like this.”
Hayley blinked and drew in a shuddering lungful of air. “But I let him—”
“You’re a child, sweetie. He’s a grown man. You had no choice in the matter, so you’ve got nothing to be sorry for. He is an awful, sick, and terrible person.” Suddenly Dana understood Amy’s inability to connect or bond with anyone, and her vile, sometimes violent need to dominate those smaller than she was—she’d spent years with that man. He’d had countless hours to do whatever he pleased with a child who had no one to protect her. God, what disgusting torture had Warren heaped at Amy’s feet?
Bile choked her throat. How did she not see it? After the years she’d spent as Marcus’ victim, she was horrified she didn’t see the signs in Amy.
“Daddy will be mad.”
Dana wavered. She hadn’t thought of Ronny. God, he couldn’t know about this; it would shatter him. She shuddered to think what would become of him if he knew what his father had done.
A tiny doubt tickled the back of her mind. Did he already know? He made no secret of how much he hated his parents. She worried opening up that can of worms might push him over the edge. She took a breath. Hayley bent her head and stared at her fingers as she rolled and unrolled the thread over them.
Warren wouldn’t hurt anyone ever again, not if she could help it, but telling Ronny would only damage his already bruised and battered soul. She couldn’t do it.
“We won’t tell Daddy, and not because he’ll be mad at you.”
“He won’t?”
“No, baby. He loves you and he’d protect you with his life.”
“Grandpa Warren said he’d want to do it to.”
Dana’s shame turned to anger. That son of a bitch. She took a breath and tried to keep the fury out of her voice. “Your dad would never, ever do such a thing. Grandpa is a liar and deserves to be punished, but knowing what happened would hurt your dad so much in here.” Dana touched her chest. “He would feel like he failed you and he would be so sad.”
“I don’t want him to be sad.” Hayley said.
Dana pulled her close. “We won’t tell Daddy just yet. I need time to think about it, because I don’t want him to do anything crazy.”
“He might punch Grandpa?”
Or worse. She already lived with that kind of guilt daily, because of Marcus. Ronny wasn’t strong enough to do the same. “He might punch him, yes, and that would just get him in trouble. They might take him to jail.”
“They should take Grandpa to jail. He’s way meaner than Daddy.”
Dana swallowed against the lump in her throat. She was asking her own child to keep a shameful secret that might destroy her. If Ronny knew, though, his actions might finish them all. She stroked Hayley’s hair and then kissed the top of her head. “They should take him to jail, but they won’t. His kind have a way of avoiding punishment, but I promise no one will ever touch you like that again. I will never allow Grandpa to be alone with any of you.”
“Why won’t they take him to jail?” Hayley asked. “He’s a bad man.”
“Oh sweetie,” Dana said. “It’s complicated. I… He’s too old to do anything about it, but I can make sure he never comes near you again. You know, you can talk to me any time you want, right? I’m always here to listen.”
“—kay.”
“Don’t blame yourself honey. He took advantage of you and I hate him for that. If I thought I’d get away with it, I’d kill the bastard with my bare hands.”
But two suicides in one person’s life might be considered suspicious.
“You said a swear,” Hayley said
“This time it’s okay.” Dana stood and pulled Hayley with her. “You can say a swear if you want, but only this one time.”
“I don’t need to. I’m sorry.”
She kissed her and nudged her back to her room. “Don’t you ever be sorry for what he did. Not ever. I love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Now, you need to get some sleep.”
“I’m afraid I’ll dream again.”
“You won’t, because you told me and now the bad thing inside you is out. That means the nightmares are out with it.”
“Really?”
“Yes. You’re safe now and I won’t let anyone hurt you again. Got it?”
“Yes.”
“Off to bed.”
“Okay.”
Dana helped Hayley climb into bed. She stumbled down the stairs, not seeing anything but Warren and her daughter, Warren and Amy, her mind reeling, flashing back to her old room and Marcus’ hands all over her body. She crumbled onto the couch, huge wrenching sobs drawing every ounce of strength left in her. She was supposed to protect her kids and instead she had been so busy worrying about herself, that she had ignored the signs. Maybe Hayley was young enough to forget this. If they didn’t speak of it again, she might be able to repair the damage Warren had done.
But what about Amy?
Dana stared, seeing nothing, seeing everything. She would fix this, and maybe Hayley and Amy would grow strong from it in the end. First, she would find a way to keep them from that house. Perhaps she’d talk to Warren, let him know she was on to him.
But how would that end? Dana certainly didn’t want to be alone with him either. She shuddered and forced herself to remember she was an adult and a mother whose children had been violated. It was up to her to make sure the son of a bitch didn’t break her little girls the way Marcus had broken her. Hayley would never feel desperate enough to take a life.
CHAPTER 31
October 1986
Dana’s wedding came and went without much fuss. They had a small church service with only the kids present. Although she really wanted a special day, they couldn’t afford it, so Dana promised Ronny that she didn’t mind. After sending the kids to stay at Jannie’s, they spent one night at home alone, then it was back to normal.
A week after the wedding, Dana arrived home at midnight, exhausted after working a double shift for the second time that month. As soon as she opened the door, she sensed something was wrong, but couldn’t put her finger on what it was. Then she heard a muffled sound. She set her keys on the table and walked into the dark living room.
In front of the television, just out of the light, Jacob’s cars were lined up neatly. Next to them, his socks and underwear lay in a little pile.
A small whimper, then whispering. Jacob’s cry.
Amy’s voice whispered. “Shush, Jakey, you’ll wake up Daddy. Just hold still.”
Dana’s stomach felt impossibly empty. She rushed to the old recliner and pulled it away from the wall.
“What the hell are you doing?” She stared at the children, her body rigid.
“Nothing,” Amy stood. “Jacob woke up.”
Dana turned to Jacob, who was naked and huddled into the corner as though trying to blend into the wall. “Where are his clothes?”
“Dunno,” Amy shrugged. Her face reddened. In her hand, she saw a lighter.
“Give me that.” Dana took the lighter. “You get your ass up those stairs right now. I will deal with you later.”
Amy glared. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Go.”
Amy stomped away, making as much noise as she could.
Dana knelt in front of Jacob and held out her arms. He crawled to her. She scooped him up with her as she stood. In his room, she quickly dressed him in his pajamas and didn’t say a word until he was laid in bed and covered with his favorite Scooby blanket.
“What happened?” she whispered.
Jacob played
with the tag on the end of the blanket. “Amy said come downstairs. I thought you got home.”
“Did she wake you up?”
“Yep, and I sleeped in here like a big boy, but she said I had to go with her.”
This couldn’t be happening. When would this hell end? “Did she take your jammies off?”
“No, I did. She told me to.”
“Why?”
“She said I was bad. That boys are always bad.”
“That’s not true, honey.”
“She said if I let her burn my willy off, I could be a girl and then I’d be good.”
“Jacob, you must never let anyone do this again. Okay? There’s nothing wrong with being a boy and no one is allowed to touch the places your underwear covers.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t be sorry honey. You did what Amy told you to. She’s bad, not you.”
His chin trembled. “Can I go sleep with Hay?”
Dana couldn’t let him sleep in there. Not with Amy in the same room. “I’ll get Hay to come sleep with you.” She took his tiny hands in hers and squeezed. “But I want you to promise me something.”
“Okay.”
“You can never ever be alone with Amy again. Never. Do not listen to anything she tells you because sometimes Amy says things that aren’t true.”
“Yeah, Amy fibs.”
“She does. Now, Hay will come in here if you need her. I don’t want you in the girls’ room for any reason.”
“And never go with Amy. Never ever,” he repeated.
Dana hugged him and stood. “I’ll get Hay and you go to sleep.”
“Night, Mommy.”
“Night, baby.”
Dana turned and almost stumbled over Hayley.
“What did she do?”
Dana had never heard such anger in Hayley’s voice before. “Nothing for you to worry about. He’s fine. I need you to promise me that when I’m not here, you’ll keep Jacob with you at all times.”
“What did she do?”
She clenched her teeth. Hayley didn’t need to know, but she would only ask Jacob once they were alone. “I think she might have touched him, but I found them before anything serious happened.”