Lessons in Sin

by Pam Godwin

  My eyes opened, locking on the mess on the floor. A fresh wave of humiliation burned through me. And rage.

  “What’s next?” My voice shook, thick with resentment. “Are you going to rub my nose in it?”

  “No.”

  “Because you wanted me to do this.”

  “I wanted you to learn a lesson.” He stepped around me, giving the splatter a wide berth on his way to the closet.

  “Do you humiliate all your students like this?”

  “No.” He removed a bucket, cleaning supplies, and paper towels and set it all beside the puddle.

  “Right. So how many students would you say, on average, pee themselves in your classroom every year?” Please, say all of them.

  “You’re the first.”

  Well, fuck. That just made me feel like a thousand times worse. My gaze fell to my soggy feet, my eyes achy with tears.

  His shoes appeared at the edge of my blurry vision, the shiny black leather stopping just outside of the mess. Then a knuckle touched my chin, lifting it until my eyes locked on to his.

  “Saint John had it right. If pride made demons out of angels, humility can make angels out of demons.” His thumb ghosted along the curve of my bottom lip, his gaze following the movement. Then he withdrew his hand and strode toward the door. “I’ll see you at Mass in the morning.”

  CHAPTER 11

  TINSLEY

  The touch from his thumb lingered.

  It tingled along my lip as I wiped down my legs and scrubbed the floor. In the residence hall, the phantom sensation persisted as I showered and changed into jeans. In the dining hall, I caught myself touching my mouth and thinking about his damn thumb as I grabbed my dinner to go.

  During my jaunts back and forth through the campus, I didn’t see Father Magnus. I looked for him. Not because I wanted to see him. But I was thinking about him.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about the tender way he held my face and stroked my lip. For so many years, I’d fantasized about receiving affection like that—a caress, a longing look, an adoring kiss. I wanted to experience it so badly I could taste it.

  But all I’d ever encountered was frantic fondling, sloppy kisses, and some interrupted blow jobs.

  It wasn’t healthy to mull over the way a priest’s touch felt. It meant nothing to him, and if I didn’t stop obsessing about it, I would turn into just another lusty member of his boarding school fan club.

  It wasn’t that I thought I was better than those girls, but I had a sense of self-respect. At least, I did until I pissed myself.

  How could I ever look at him again? The humiliation was more than I could bear. But I didn’t have to worry about that until tomorrow. For now, I focused on the food in my bag and the path leading me to the trees.

  Overhead, the silhouette of a large falcon circled the property. I felt its eyes on me, following me into the grove.

  I found Jaden and Willow where I’d left them, and a feeling of weightlessness fell over me. They’d eaten more of the bread and lifted their curious noses at my approach.

  “Hey, there.” I opened my bag and removed the tiny dipping bowl I’d stolen from the dining hall.

  I also had several bottles of water, an assortment of fruit, vegetables, and nuts, and the remnants of my destroyed uniform. The heavy material should keep them warm in the coming weeks.

  Storing the unopened bottles near the rear of their hollow, I set out the food and bowl of water and murmured to them as they ate.

  They were the sweetest bundle of babies. Like teeny curious monkeys with wiggly noses and the cutest little hands. I could play with them all night and intended to do exactly that until the sound of footsteps encroached on my sanctuary.

  I twisted, putting my back to the opossum hollow, and squinted up at the intruder.

  Daisy stood a few paces away with a hand anchored on her cocked hip.

  Fucking great. The last thing I needed was the resident tattletale turning me in for sneaking food to wild animals.

  What would Father Magnus do with orphaned opossums?

  It was safe to assume he wouldn’t love them and talk to them and tuck them in at night.

  Angling her neck, Daisy leaned around me and directed her gaze at the wriggling babies. Then she scrunched up her nose.

  She’d ditched her school uniform in exchange for rocker boots and black leggings. A loose-fitting tee and oversized, distressed cardigan draped her toned body beneath a cropped leather jacket, which was decorated with metal studs and patches. A rock-chic hat topped off the edgy, layered look.

  I felt a pinch of envy for her badass style. But that didn’t mean I trusted her.

  Why had she followed me? I hadn’t exactly been sociable since my arrival.

  “Are you hard up for friends?” I asked.

  “Because of my face?” Her disfigured lips formed a flat line.

  “No, because you’re the big sister on our floor. That makes you the official snitch.” Her eyes hardened, and no amount of deformity could diminish her ferocity. If I put her to the test, I imagined she would kick my bony ass. But I didn’t want to fight the girl. I just wanted her to go away and leave my opossums alone.

  “We’re neighbors. My room is right next to yours.” I gave her a tight smile. “I’m Tinsley.”

  “I know who you are. Everyone knows.”

  “Okay. Look, Daisy, I…” I stared up at her, searching for words that weren’t steeped in sarcasm and brutal honesty.

  How did I tell someone to leave me alone without sounding like a cunt?

  “Just spit it out,” she said. “Whatever you’re going to ask about my face, just ask it.”

  “Um… No, thanks.”

  “What? Why not?”

  “Well, I’m not interested in your face, if I’m being honest.”

  She huffed, incredulous. “You’re interested in something because you got all quiet and uncomfortable with your words. And you’re staring at my face, which I find quite insulting.”

  “I’m staring at you because I’m trying to determine if you’re going to tell anyone about them.” I motioned at the opossums.

  “I’m not interested in your diseased rodents, if I’m being honest.”

  “You’re actually being a bitch. And they’re marsupials, not rodents.”

  “They eat garbage. So basically, the same thing.”

  “Basically, not the same. But hey, what does science know anyway?”

  “You should be nice to me, Constantine. I might be the only friend you have here.”

  “Oh, is that what this is? You being my friend?”

  “No, I haven’t decided if I’m willing to take on that burden.”

  “Don’t bother. I already made some friends.”

  “Nevada and Alice?” She threw her head back and laughed.

  Truthfully, I didn’t want to be associated with those mean-spirited hussies. But I didn’t appreciate or understand Daisy’s humor in the idea.

  “What’s so funny?” I glared at her.

  “They’re not your friends. They will never be friends with someone who looks like you.” She pointed at my face.

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “I don’t have the desire or the crayons to explain this to you.”

  “Maybe just try using your big-girl words.”

  “Fine.” She threw her hands in the air. “You’re prettier than them.”

  Then she glowered with scornful derision as if pretty wasn’t how she would describe me at all.

  I blinked, not following.

  “Look at you.” She gestured and shook her head. “You’re like way-out-of-their-league, in-a-whole-other-universe prettier than every girl ever. The guys at St. John’s are already going crazy over you. Tucker Kensington, the captain of the football team—”

  “Kensington? As in the global hotel chain?”

  “Yeah. Those Kensingtons. When he asks you to the Winter Formal dance, which he will, every girl at Sion wil
l hate you.”

  “Except you?”

  “Tucker is a total douchebag. I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.”

  Well, alrighty then. “What about Father Magnus?” Just saying his name sent a shiver through me.

  “I mean, he’s a magnificent male specimen. But he’s devoutly married to God, more than twice my age, and also my teacher. That’s a triple veto. Way out of bounds.” She lifted a shoulder. “It’s unfortunate. He’s the only person here who seems to see me and not my face.” She narrowed her eyes. “You might be number two.”

  “When I look at you, all I see is a self-righteous hypocrite, so…”

  Her jaw unhinged.

  I raised my brows. “You just judged me for the way I look.”

  “No, I—”

  “You literally said I won’t have any friends because of my face, all the while lamenting that no one sees past yours.”

  She harrumphed and stepped back, looking all grumpy. “You’re different. I’ll give you that.”

  “How so?”

  “You’re smart, for one, which totally clashes with your appearance.”

  “You’re doing it again.”

  “You’re not what I expected.”

  “Neither are you.”

  “Let me guess.” She propped her hands on her hips. “You thought I’d be awkward and insecure.”

  “No. I thought you’d be nice.”

  She burst into laughter and sauntered away. “I’ll get back to you about our friendship. I need to pray on it.”

  I couldn’t tell if she was serious or if her sense of humor was actually drier than my own. “I’ll be over here waiting on pins and needles.”

  She better not tell anyone about Jaden and Willow. Swear to God, if anything happened to them, I would cut a bitch.

  I remained in the grove for a couple more hours, eating the caprese sandwich I’d grabbed from the dining hall and enjoying the company of my fuzzy friends.

  Nightfall brought a chill in the air that made me wish I’d worn a jacket. But as the opossums burrowed under the bedding I’d fashioned from my ruined skirt, they appeared to be plenty warm.

  As nocturnal critters, they would eventually venture out into the dark. But not yet. Not until they were older and stronger. Maybe another month? I would do some research as soon as I had access to the internet.

  I refilled the water bowl and left the rest of the food. Then I took the long way back to the dorm, hoping to see some of the bats.

  My meandering stroll followed the outer perimeter, keeping to the wall and away from people. Not that there were crowds. It was too cold and too late at night. I probably only had a few minutes before the nine o’clock check-in.

  While on this side of the property, I wanted to sneak a closer peek at the gate. The few times I’d passed through it, I’d been escorted by Father Magnus.

  I turned the corner, bringing the exit into view and…

  Speak of the devil.

  A lone figure cut a formidable silhouette against the backdrop of the streetlights. He leaned against the gate, long legs crossed at the ankles, muscled arms at his sides, and his eyes…

  They waited for me, tracking my movements, hunting me in the darkness. The instinct to run gripped my bones. But what if he chased me? What if I wanted that?

  Under the weight of his steady gaze, I felt exposed, stripped down to my deepest vulnerabilities. He’d watched me pee all over the floor, and I wasn’t ready to accept that. The embarrassment was too fresh and raw.

  I needed the night to rebuild my defenses against him. After a well-rested sleep, I would come back stronger, more confident, prepared to stand up for myself.

  So I veered away, heading in the opposite direction. Without glancing back, I knew his gaze stayed with me to the building. I felt it blazing along my back.

  His undivided attention should’ve scared the crap out of me, but instead, I found comfort in it. I wanted it, and that bothered me most of all.

  CHAPTER 12

  MAGNUS

  The following day, I sat behind my desk and stared at Tinsley Constantine with new eyes.

  She stood with her hands at her sides, shoulders back, and expression brimming with self-possession. Not a trace of the ashamed, teary-eyed girl I’d left in this room yesterday. Overnight, she’d regained her strength of will. With a few differences.

  Her uniform met the dress code. She’d arrived on time for Mass this morning and sat through the service with little interruption. But I was under no illusion about her sudden compliance. I suspected, after a night of brooding anger and humiliation, she was simply picking her battles.

  Or maybe I was the only one who spent the evening in turmoil.

  I’d never ordered a student to remove her undergarments. Never even considered it. At the time, I’d told myself it served a practical purpose, knowing full well she would lose the fight with her bladder. I’d counted on it.

  But when the tiny scrap of white cotton had slid down her legs, my entire body reacted. My thoughts turned inside out, and God help me, I hungered like I’d never hungered before. I ached for her humiliation so ravenously that when it finally arrived, it took all the concentrated restraint in the world not to fall upon her like a mindless, raging beast.

  I had a choice. I could’ve fucked her. Right here in my classroom, I could’ve broken my vow and fucked her with piss on her legs, virgin blood on my dick, and her heavenly tears soaking the hand I would’ve held so tightly to her mouth.

  She wouldn’t have survived it.

  A demanding whisper in the silence of my heart argued she was stronger than I knew, stronger than anyone realized. That whisper had lured me back to the campus later last night to discover just how strong she was and how loudly she could scream.

  Then I saw her. Walking along the wall just before nine, she took my breath away. Her beauty was so otherworldly, so unrivaled and angelic, I wanted to protect her, not hurt her. I couldn’t stomach the thought of poisoning her with my cancer and stripping her soul from her body. I wouldn’t do it.

  I made a choice.

  I packed away every depraved, immoral thought into a deep compartment labeled, Never open. Then I spent the rest of the night praying the rosary and celebrating my abstinence with a few too many whiskeys.

  Nine years ago, I’d successfully buried my sickness in the same way. Since then, I hadn’t misstepped. I hadn’t come apart at the seams. I never caved. My self-control was inviolable.

  Tinsley wasn’t in danger around me. Not yesterday. Not now. Not ever. She wasn’t a temptation.

  And so this morning, as I stared at her with new eyes, it had less to do with me and more to do with the paper on my desk.

  Pressing a finger against it, I slid it across to her. Then I laced my hands on the wooden surface and watched her.

  She bent forward, glanced at the page, and little lines of disappointment knitted across her brow, there and gone by the time she straightened.

  “Explain this to me.” I kept my tone light, conversational. “According to your enrollment paperwork, you’ve never taken a standardized test for university admissions. Why?”

  “You would have to ask my mother.” She shrugged.

  Her blasé attitude set my teeth on edge.

  “I’m asking you.”

  “If my mother has it her way, I’ll never see the inside of a university. An educated woman doesn’t make a good trophy wife in a loveless marriage with a man who’s twice her age. It’s best to keep me dumb, unambitious, and subservient.”

  “And if you had it your way?”

  “I want to go home.”

  “How would that change your mother’s plans?”

  “It changes everything. At home, I was well on my way to living my own life. I was exploring universities, experimenting with guys, figuring out who I am and what I want. That’s why she sent me here. To put a big fat stop on my voyage of self-discovery. She’s essentially locked me in a cage, secluded me
from everyone and everything. I can’t even choose my own clothes.”

  I couldn’t dispute any of that. Caroline held the reins of Tinsley’s life, which made the matter of the paper on my desk increasingly moot. But I wasn’t letting it go.

  “The tests you took are proprietary assessment exams, created specifically for this school to place students on an appropriate individualized learning path.”

  I was intimately familiar with the structure and intensity of the test questions because one, I used to own the corporation that designed the exams, and two, I’d taken the tests myself. Multiple times.

  “In all the years I’ve been running this school and the hundreds of tests that have come across my desk…” I tapped the paper. “I’ve only seen test scores this high one time.”

  My scores. But I kept that to myself.

  She hadn’t cheated. I’d sat behind her the entire time, watching her fly through the exercises.

  “Academic aptitude of your caliber doesn’t go unnoticed.” I pressed my fingertips together in a steeple against my mouth, thinking. “Your high school grades are average. You weren’t in any advanced classes. Have you not been applying yourself in school? Or has something else been holding you back?”

  “I’m not smart, if that’s what you’re asking.” She strolled alongside the desk, letting her hand trail the surface’s edge. “I remember things. If I hear it or read it, I can recall it later. It’s just memorization. Nothing special.”

  Her intelligence went way beyond memorization, and whoever had told her otherwise should have their tongue ripped out.

  “The exam measured a range of cognitive abilities.” I studied her over the steeple of my hands. “That includes mathematical skills, spatial perception, and language. Your scores in science and logic are especially impressive, which has more to do with problem-solving and less to do with memory.”

  “Whatever. So are you going to put me in advanced classes or something?”

  My initial concerns had been that she wouldn’t keep up in those classes. Now that I knew she was ahead of our curriculum and every student here, I had to adjust for that. “I teach Advanced Placement Calculus after lunch, followed by Econometrics and Statistics. You’ll take those classes and spend the mornings with me in individualized instruction and religious training.”