The Executioner's Song

by Norman Mailer

  Yes, all those hours moving her furniture (which was Barrett's furniture when they had lived together) was some of the tightest time Barrett ever put in, but he got her away, every last lamp shade, and Sunny and Jeremy up in the front seat with them, yes, saved Nicole's buns one more time, and she even went back to living with him when he found the house in Spanish Fork.

  He had been working then. Concrete pumping. Had been looking for an occupation to get him out of dealing. Thought concrete pumping might be it, but found it a hard attitude to keep loyal to. Straight people only had to take one look at him and his flowing hippie threads, suede buckskin-style jacket with fringe, long hair, mustache, and they would categorize him right at the bottom. It was hard to drive somebody else's truck, and get paid a couple of bucks while making the other fellow a couple of hundred bucks. It always got Barrett down. Dealing, you were your own businessman least.

  Still, he had been trying to make a straight living and prove a point to Nicole. Driving from Spanish Fork and working at pumping in American Fork, he was thereby damn well from one end of Utah County to the other, close to 60 miles a day. Commuting in morning traffic was as straight as you could get. That was the point he wished to make. But Nicole and him

  started hassling about all the things in the past. Her sexual relations with other men bothered him. Couldn't get them out of his head.

  Right from the beginning in Spanish Fork their sex life wasn't like it used to be. Not that feeling of love anymore. Times he'd say to her, "You don't even want me." He might just as well have had an open hole in him. To be without Nicole was living in the pits. She didn't realize how he felt—if she could just now and again feel his pain. She didn't know how beautiful it could be with her, if she was in the mood to have it beautiful. Nobody could give you a feeling you were wanted, like Nicole could give it. Like she was the seducer, and it was heavenly places when you got that goodness from her. When she cut it off, Barrett knew the pits.

  So even with the house in Spanish Fork—$75 a month—he couldn't help it, he split. Went up to Wyoming for a few weeks, and did what he always did on a split, which is, try to enjoy his free, make the most of life without daily hassles. But he couldn't get on the good side of his free where you could feel kind of dapper. Instead he carried Nicole around like a load. So, first opportunity, he hit her up with a surprise visit from Wyoming, and pulled in front of the house in Spanish Fork about eleven o'clock on a cold February night.

  Since another fellow's car was out front, Barrett came in by the back. Nicole and the dude were in the bathroom together naked. The fellow was sitting on the laundry hamper, a weird-looking dirty guy, Clyde Dozier. Barrett knew him in passing. A disgusting non-entity. Barrett didn't get violent, you know, he just went in the kitchen adjacent, and Clyde came and put his clothes on, and started to apologize and say it wasn't Nicole's fault. Barrett said, "Save yourself some problems, Clyde. Get out of here before I get mad." Barrett might not be that tough, but he had a few connections after all. Clyde left, and Nicole started saying, like, "I'm not your old lady. You went to Wyoming and left me, you know. I can do whatever I want to do."

  Well, she had a bed made up on the kitchen floor and Barrett got it on. Didn't know why he wanted to have sex at that point, but he figured she gave it to him because he'd get violent if she resisted. Next morning, he wasn't mad. It was just funny more than anything else, you know, there on the kitchen floor with his old lady, saying, "God, couldn't you pick somebody a little better than Clyde?" He really wanted to get together with her. So he gave up Wyoming and took a place in Lindon. Dropped over two or three times a week until she told him to stay away. One time he went over and another low scroungy dude was there, Freson (what a name!) Phelps. Barrett stayed away a long time before he went over to Spanish Fork again.

  On this occasion, different things were around, Different furniture. Somebody new had moved in. He sat and had a cup of coffee with her. Before he could even start talking, Gilmore came in. The first time he heard about the fellow was when she introduced them.

  Barrett's impression was that here was one more old scroungy dude. He didn't look right. More bad taste! He was wearing cutoffs and his legs were too white. Gilmore looked a lot older than her. Barrett didn't feel hurt or anything, just kind of disgust, you know, like I don't believe this.

  He went on talking with Nicole. Gilmore never said a word, sat at the kitchen table. He seemed bothered. In a little while he up and went to the front room. At that point, Barrett nodded at Nicole, and they went outside. Sunny and Jeremy were playing, they sat near them, and Nicole said Gilmore was an ex-con. Nicole went back to the house. Barrett was left outside playing with the Pretty soon, the kids started saying the same things over and over. It was like they had a crowbar in your collarbone and were prying open. "Pop, poop, pop, poop," they'd say, and giggle.

  He went down to his truck, and took off. He could really feel his skinny butt bouncing in the cab.

  Then he met Gilmore the second time. Dropped over to visit while Gary was out to the store. While Barrett was talking to Nicole by the apple tree, Gilmore came back. Didn't say, Get the hell out, but sure acted like his return was the good cue to leave. So Barrett got up, and Nicole went right into the house. That left Barrett to walk to the street alone. Just then Gilmore came through the front door to confront him on the sidewalk.

  He said, "I want to tell you something. I accept the fact that you're Sunny's father, but Nicole is mine." Barrett said, "Look, buddy, you can have her. I don't want her." These words gave Gilmore a bad look, a real bad-dog look. Gilmore said, "You don't have to insult her."

  At that point Barrett got a scared feeling. He was used to seeing Nicole with other men. He'd watched her with other men. What else was there to say? You can have her. He certainly couldn't keep them from having her.

  Besides, it would do no good for Gilmore to know his true feelings. That would wake Gilmore up. Barrett said, "I wasn't trying to insult her. Nicole don't want me, and I don't want her. I just wanted you to know." He got in his truck, and right there on the road, cruising along, he felt hope. It was the sound of Gilmore saying, "Nicole is mine." They got to talking like that, and they lost her. She didn't want to be owned for long.

  After that, riding around, wheeling high off a Thai stick, Barrett might drive by her house. If Gary's car was out in front, he would not stop. If the scene was right, he would visit a little with Nicole, feel her out.

  One time, Rosebeth answered the door and said Gary was at work, and Nicole was away with the kids. It was the first time Barrett ever saw Rosebeth, but he walked in like it was his house. After all, everything he owned was in there. Gary and Nicole, said Rosebeth, would be gone the whole day for sure. There was nice warm weather in the room.

  Jim was sitting in the chair, and the girl was lying on the living-room bed that served for a couch. He thought she was pleasantly plump, had a real sweet baby-fat, but too young and virgin to fool around with. When she got up, however, to lift a blanket off the bed, he decided to get beside her, and they started to kiss. Didn't take a minute for her to say, "Now, let's get undressed." "Okay," he said "I'll go for that." They took off their clothes and lay on the bed, she said, "Let me suck it." Barrett said, "Don't let me stop you."

  All her doing, you know. Barrett laid back and she spun around and popped it right on his face—he had no choice. She didn't really know how, actually hurt him with her teeth. All same she got pretty warm. But her clit wasn't sensitive, you know, couldn't make her flinch.

  Still, she got pretty warm. He turned her around and she had expectant look. Only he couldn't get in. She was a virgin, he found out, and he was hurting her.

  "Gary only wants me to do things with him, you know," she was saying, "Gary wouldn't like this, you know." Told him how the three of them fooled around. Barrett just kept flicking her clit.

  It seemed to open her. He turned around and slipped it in, went right in, really good, nice and warm, no movement at a
ll, all he needed. That was it, you know.

  He put his clothes on and she got up and put her clothes Hadn't been in her more than ten seconds. She hadn't really done anything, but she had really nice breasts. He got a phone number from her. A tremendous deal. All free. Did it with his back to Gilmore.

  By the next time he happened to stop, Nicole said she'd go for a ride. He took her up to the canyon and Sunny and Peabody went out and played. Barrett got seduced right in the truck. That's what happened that day.

  He thought it was 'cause she loved him again, because she special feelings. She told him afterward she still loved him, all that stuff. Then they came down from the canyon, and he took her home It sure flared up his love for her. It made him miss her more. It was like a sacred thing to him, a way to express a feeling.

  The next day, she called him up. "I'm pretty upset," she said, 'pretty down." Gary had become very dominating.

  When Barrett went over, she was sad and really depressed and he just loved her. He stood naked with her, gave her the attention she needed and told her that he'd get her out of this mess.

  Once she was in his dinky little flea-bag motel room, it didn't take but one night to know they needed more space. He went to see a friend who owned a couple of apartment houses in Springville and said, Hey, let me work on your swimming pool for the rent. The fellow went for that and moved them into an apartment on Third West in Springville. That same day, while Gilmore was on his job, they got the furniture from Spanish Fork and brought it over.

  It was worrisome doing it. Nicole let him hold a .22 Magnum Derringer over-and-under that Gary had given her. This scene was even heavier than Joe Bob. Barrett noticed a piece of paper tacked up against the wall, saying, "Where are you, girl?"

  He had the gun in his back pocket, loaded. But he kept thinking of Gilmore's other guns. If the man came home, they would have a shootout right there. Even after they were moved to the apartment, nothing let up. Nicole kept saying, You don't know Gary, he's dangerous. Barrett carried that gun.

  This trip, Nicole was giving him sex like a professional. Not taking money, but like she thought he'd done a favor, so he deserved it back. It certainly wasn't one of their good periods. She wasn't into orgasms very regularly. With all he knew about her, it all the same took a few days for Barrett to figure out that Nicole was seeing somebody else.

  On the Tuesday night that Gary broke up with Nicole, he came back to Craig's house and spent a quiet evening. "She's out of my life," he said. Next morning, soon as he woke up, he talked of getting back with her. Took a Browning .22 Automatic out of his car, and asked Craig to hold it. Craig did. Wanted to mollify him. Keep him off the deep end.

  On the way to work, Gary asked if Craig knew anybody who would buy the Automatic. When Craig said he didn't, Gary said, "You can have it." Craig wasn't certain whether Gary was giving it, or letting him hold it handy.

  Spencer asked how the windshield got broke, and when Gary said he kicked it, Spencer asked, "What for?" Gary said he was mad at Nicole. "Well, why didn't you kick her?" Spencer said. "You know you got to have a windshield to pass a safety inspection. That kick cost you $50." Gary said he didn't really care.

  This got Spence mad. Gary owed him money after all. So Spence asked again if he had the driver's license. When Gary said no, Spence said he must have been lying all along, and they would have to alter their program a little. But Gary's head seemed to be somewhere else. He asked what Spence thought of his buying a pickup truck. He, Spencer decided, had an awfully large ego.

  During the day, Gary got the keys to the white truck from Conlin and drove it to the shop for Spence to approve.

  It was a '68 or '69 Ford. McGrath thought it was seriously priced. Gary said he really didn't care, he wanted it. Spencer said, I do care. You're asking me to lay out $1,700 for a vehicle that is worth $1,000. It's unfair. You don't have a driver's license. If you wreck that thing, or somebody steals it, if you get into a fight they arrest you and put you in jail, or if you can't in any way make the payments on it, then I have to pay off. You should think serious about what you're asking me to do." That didn't bother Gary. There was no doubt in his mind, he told Spence, that he was going pay for that pickup. He did not think Spence should ever be concerned about losing a cent.

  That night Gary went looking in the bars for Nicole and went home. When he could not sleep, he got in his car and drove all the way to Sterling Baker's new place.

  Sterling had moved from Provo to a town called Lark near Lake City. It was late when Gary pulled in. It had spooked him, he explained, to stay in Spanish Fork without Nicole. He had talked to her at Kathryne's today, he told them, and she wanted to stay apart. He couldn't shake off the idea he had lost her. Gary looked so sad that no matter the hour, both Sterling and Ruth Ann had to feel sorry.

  Gary began to talk about reincarnation. After death, he said, he was going to start all over again. Have the kind of life he always wished he had. He talked about it as if it was so certain, so real, that Sterling got confused and thought Gary was talking about an actual place like moving bag and baggage up to Winnipeg, Canada.

  In the morning, Gary phoned in sick to work, and spent the morning driving around with Ruth Ann looking for Nicole.

  They searched a lot of streets in Springville. Somehow, Gary felt she was there. They dropped in on Sue Baker, but she didn't know, she said, where Nicole might be. There was a smell of diapers in Sue's house and she looked miserable. Didn't know where Rikki was; didn't know where Nicole was, didn't know anything. Ruth Ann began to get sorry for Gary. She had never seen a man suffer so much over a woman. He must have checked the laundromat five times.

  Toward the middle of the afternoon, Ruth Ann went back to Lark, and Gary showed up at work. He had hardly picked up a tool before there was a call from Nicole.

  "Are you drunk?" she asked.

  "I'm stone sober," he said.

  She was telephoning to tell him that she had just moved her furniture out of the house in Spanish Fork, but he could stay there the next few days until the rent was up. She didn't think they'd rent to him after that.

  Could they get together? he asked. She said she did not think so. One of them might kill the other.

  To her surprise, Kathryne felt like she wanted to cry. Gary came in so pathetic. Just kind of sat. He put a carton of cigarettes and a box of Pampers on the table, and said, "She'll probably be needing these." There was a silence, then he said, "Would you do something for me?" Kathryne said, "Well, yes, if I can." "Will you give her this for me? That's the best one I could find. It's not very good, but it's the best I could find." Kathryne looked. Gary was standing in the picture wearing a blue windbreaker. She thought it had probably been taken in prison. He was looking young and tough, and he'd written on back "I love you." After she lay the photograph down, Gary said, "got to be going."

  When Sissy dropped by later that evening, she just glanced the photo, made an umph sound, and threw it on the cupboard. Later Kathryne put it at the back of the dish closet where it would be safe from the kids and the jam and the peanut butter.

  Toward evening, Gary went to sit with Brenda and Johnny. The patio wasn't much of a garden spot, more like a shed with pale corrugated plastic roofing that let light through, and a wrought-iron chairs and dirty old canvas camp chairs. Brenda never tried to fix her yard too much, but it was nice to have a drink there in the dark, Not only was Gary having his emotional pains but Johnny would soon be hurting. He had to go into the hospital for a hernia.

  It might not take long, but it wasn't going to be fun. Brenda would have liked a joke about the doctor not clipping any extra meat there, but that, unfortunately, was not Gary's mood.

  The white and yellow socks he was wearing looked in better taste than usual, so Brenda remarked, "I like those socks, coz." He stared at her and said, "They're Nicole's." Looked like he was going to cry.

  It was awful. Brenda could feel that empty house in Spanish Fork. "I can still smell her perfume," Gar
y said. It was obvious he was in that advanced kind of suffering where he could hardly keep a thought to himself.

  "I've got to find her," he said.

  "Honey, this kind of thing takes time," said Brenda. "Maybe Nicole needs a couple of days." "I can't wait," he said. "Will you help me find her?" "It don't work that way," Brenda said. "If a woman don't want to talk to you, she'll kill you first."

  Usually no matter what Gary might be feeling, he liked to seem the picture of relaxation. Today he was on the edge of his chair. It was like the air was being eaten by the nervousness he felt. She didn't want to think of his stomach. Shreds. She thought his goatee looked awful.

  "This is the first time I've experienced a pain I can't take," he said. "I used to be able to handle anything that came up, didn't matter how bad, but it's tougher out here. Everybody's going about their business. Where is Nicole?"

  A dread went into the air with the evening. Brenda could almost hear Gary listening to Nicole with other men. They kept drinking. After a couple of hours he passed out on them. In the morning, he went to work.

  "Why look so hard," Spencer asked, "for a woman who doesn't to get back with you? Leave her alone. She knows where you are." "I'm going to paint my car," said Gary.

  He started to drive the Mustang into the shop, but didn't raise the sliding door high enough. So he banged it going in. Bent it. Spencer didn't even groan. Gary could have had the car painted for fifty bucks and now it would cost three hundred or more to get the door working right once more. For the present Spence just tied a rope to the stove-in part and winched the dent back to usable condition. The shop door looked like hell.

  During lunch, Gary drove to Spanish Fork and walked through rooms. Next, he came back to Springville and visited the laundromat. Stopped to visit Sue Baker. She hadn't heard from Nicole.

  "Sissy," said Kathryne, "just doesn't like drinking. She won't put up with it no matter how much she cares about you. She could really love you," Kathryne said, "and I think maybe she does, but you have to make up your mind. What means the most, drinking or Nicole?"