by Nella Tyler
When I turned back around, I realized Lauren was standing in the threshold of our bedroom, watching me carefully. Her face was expressionless and her eyes were hooded as she looked at me. I had no idea how long she had been standing there.
“How are you?” I asked.
“I’m fine,” she replied shortly.
“You threw up,” I pointed out unnecessarily.
“I was just feeling a little under the weather,” she replied. “It’ll pass.”
“Maybe we should take you to a doctor?” I suggested.
“I’ve already been to one,” Lauren replied.
“And?”
“Just the flu. I should be fine in a few days.”
“Oh,” I nodded, wondering why her nose wasn’t runny if she had the flu. “That’s good.”
We looked at each for a long time, neither of us saying a word. In that moment, we both knew something had changed. She was looking at me as though she could barely recognize me, and that was more painful than I could have imagined. I tried to break the silence several times, but my words kept getting swallowed up in my thoughts. In the end, it was Lauren who broke the silence.
“Chase,” she started softly. “I need you to tell me what’s going on…because it feels like you’re breaking up with me.”
I took a deep breath. “I enlisted,” I said. It was all I really needed to say.
There was a deep beat of silence. “Oh,” she said at last.
“I met with a recruiter recently, and he talked me through the steps. I have to go to a boot camp to begin my training soon. I start in a week.”
“I see,” she said with a calm that baffled me.
“Lauren?” I said, wondering if she was even processing the news.
“Yes?”
“I know this is out of the blue and I’m sorry for that,” I said. “But I have to do this.”
She looked me straight in the eye. “I know you do. I understand that this is important to you. If you have to do this, then we’ll do it.”
I felt my knees buckle slightly. “Lauren,” I said as gently as I could manage. “I can’t take you with me. It’s too dangerous. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything happened to you.”
“Chase, I’m not staying here while you go there,” she said emphatically. “That was not the plan. The plan was always to stick together, no matter what.”
“Sometimes…sometimes plans change,” I said.
I saw her eyes grow wide with shock as the full extent of this new reality hit her. I was enlisting. I was leaving for four years, and I was going without her. It was a betrayal, and I could see that in her eyes. I felt my resolve weaken, but it was too late. I had already signed my name to that paper. I had already committed, and there was no going back now.
“I’m a bastard for doing this to you,” I said. “I know that. I don’t want to ask you to stay and wait for me, but I can’t take you with me, either. I just—”
“So that’s it?” Lauren interrupted, her tone sharp and icy. “I have no say in any of this?”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
She looked at me with her cool, green eyes and I saw them harden into hurt bitterness. “No,” she replied. “I’m the one who’s sorry.”
Then she walked into our bedroom and slammed the door on me.
Chapter Thirteen
Lauren
“Lauren?” Beth’s voice was slightly muffled by the closed door, but I could still hear the concern in her voice. “Lauren, you’ve been in there for a while. Are you all right?”
I tried to wipe away my tears, but I knew that my red nose and puffy eyes would give me away. I sighed, did the best I could with my blotchy face, and then opened the door to face Beth.
“Oh, hon,” she said the moment she saw me.
“It’s fine,” I said quickly. “I’m fine.”
“Yes, you look it,” she said gently. “Why don’t you sit down for a bit?”
“That’s all I’ve been doing since you got here,” I pointed out. “You’ve been packing, and I’ve been sitting here feeling sorry for myself.”
“Well, you’re allowed,” Beth said kindly.
I walked into the living room and looked around at the wreckage that was now my apartment. Well, it wouldn’t be my apartment for much longer, I reminded myself quickly. Boxes were everywhere, and it had been emptied of all my belongings. The only things remaining were unequivocally Chase’s. I stared at the collection of memories we had divided up and I couldn’t believe that it had come down to this.
“Lauren?” Beth’s voice came at me as though from a great distance.
“Yes?”
“Can I get you some water?”
“Sure,” I nodded as I looked over at the kitchen. I had hated it for the four years we had been forced to use it, and yet I found myself looking at it with a faint sense of nostalgia that bordered on fondness. Half the time, I didn’t know if it was the hormones or my devastation over the end of my relationship.
Beth handed me a glass of water as she cast a critical eye over my appearance. “Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked again. “You look very pale.”
“That’s because I’m pale, despite my best efforts,” I replied.
Beth sighed as she too looked around the apartment. “Where’s Chase?” she asked after a moment of hesitation.
“He’s at the track with the guys,” I replied.
“And he knows you’re moving out today?”
“Yes,” I nodded. “I asked him to not be around.”
“Ok,” she nodded as though she didn’t understand something.
“What?” I asked.
“Nothing,” she said a little too quickly.
“Come on,” I said sharply. “Out with it.”
She sighed. “It’s just…all of this is so sudden. The break up and all that. Is there a possibility that maybe both of you are overreacting?”
I collapsed onto my sofa, sloshing water all over the front of my shirt. I put down the glass uncaringly and Beth joined me on the sofa. “No one is overreacting,” I said as calmly as I could manage. “Chase made a choice and so did I. He’s choosing to enlist, which I accepted. He’s choosing to leave for four years, which I also accepted. But he’s not willing to take me with him, which I do not accept. He’s the one who turned his back on us. I’m just making the next move.”
“Which is to move out?”
“Yes,” I nodded.
“And he was fine with it?” Beth asked.
“He tried to convince me to stay.”
“But?”
I looked at Beth with tired eyes. “He didn’t mean it,” I said.
“What?”
“I’ve known Chase pretty much my entire life, Beth,” I tried to explain. “I know him inside and out. I probably know him better than I know myself, probably because I love him more than I love myself. I know his moods and his expressions. I can even read his silences. He told me to stay when I told him I was moving out, and I could see it in his eyes. He didn’t really mean it. He knows that it’s easier this way; he knows it’s better. He’s just too cowardly to break up with me himself, so he stepped back and let me do it.”
“Oh, Lauren.”
“No, it’s true,” I said firmly. “If he had been sincere, then he would have fought for me to stay. He would have been here now, instead of at the track with his friends.”
Beth fell silent, knowing that there was nothing she could say to that. After a moment, she took my hand and squeezed it. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what else I can say.”
“There’s nothing else to say,” I said. “Chase and I are over. It’s sad, it’s tragic, but that’s life.”
“I never thought I would see this day,” she admitted slowly.
I felt all the memories in the apartment gang up on me and the nausea surfaced again. I leapt to my feet ran towards the bathroom, wondering when I could be rid of the dreaded morning sickness. When I c
ame back to the living room, Beth was looking concerned again.
“What was that?” she asked.
“I threw up,” I replied sheepishly.
“Was that simply because of the stress of this breakup or is there another reason for it?” she asked pointedly. “Because I know you’re not sick.”
I sighed, knowing I couldn’t put off this moment for much longer. “I’m pregnant,” I admitted.
“What?” She reacted as I had expected her to. Her eyebrows hit the ceiling and she looked at me in shock. “You told me you took the test and it came out negative.”
I shrugged. “I lied.”
“Lauren!” Beth practically yelled. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Because I wanted to tell Chase first,” I said. “And, I didn’t think I could until he had got some distance between himself and the memory of Braden’s funeral.”
“Oh my God,” she gasped. “You’re pregnant, and you’re moving out? And Chase is okay with that?”
“Well…” I said.
“Lauren?”
“He doesn’t know, okay?” I said defensively.
“Excuse me?” Beth looked stunned.
“I never got around to telling him,” I admitted. “Like I said, I was waiting for the right time, and before that time came, he told me he had enlisted and then the world imploded. So, I didn’t really feel like telling him after the fact.”
“When are you planning on telling him?” Beth demanded. “After you’ve moved out? Or after he’s been deployed to God knows where?”
I knew she wasn’t going to like my answer, but I barreled ahead and said it anyway. “I’m not going to tell him at all,” I said firmly.
Beth just stared at me for a moment. “Are you serious?”
“Completely,” I nodded. “I’m not telling him about this baby…and neither are you.”
“Of course I’m not going to tell him,” she assured me. “But I think you should.”
“Well that’s not going to happen,” I said as I walked over to the small mass of books I had collected over the years and started packing them into one of the smaller boxes.
“Lauren,” Beth said as she followed me. “You can’t do that. It’s not fair to him.”
“Him?” I asked incredulously as I rounded on her. “You think this is unfair to him? What about me, huh? He completely shut me out of his life; he’s abandoning me, and he’s gone back on every promise he’s ever made to me. After that, I don’t feel like I owe him anything.”
“And that’s why you’re not telling him?” Beth asked. “Because this is your way of getting back at him for hurting you?”
I sighed, feeling the weight of all these life changes come crashing down around me. “No,” I said quietly. “I…it’s more complicated than that.”
“Explain it to me then.”
“I don’t want him staying for the wrong reasons,” I admitted at last. “He needs to do this, I understand that. But if he knows about the baby, I’m not so sure he’ll go through with it.”
“I don’t get it,” Beth said shaking her head. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“No,” I said throwing my hands up in the air in frustration. “Of course not because he’ll stay out of a sense of duty, not because he actually wants to stay. He’ll spend his whole life resenting the baby and me and I won’t have that. If this is what he needs to do, then I won’t stop him.”
“He loves you Lauren,” Beth said.
“I don’t doubt that he loves me,” I replied. “But obviously, he doesn’t love me enough.”
I turned away from her and continued packing the books that I was taking with me. I knew that Beth wasn’t done with the conversation, but I knew I was.
“Lauren—”
“I can’t, okay?” I said with passion. “I can’t do this right now. I’ve made my decision, and what I really need from you right now is support. Chase made the choice that was right for him, and that means I have to make the choice that’s right for me. And right now, that means moving out of this apartment, having this baby, and not telling Chase about it.
“I know you think it’s the wrong decision, and I know you think I’m being unfair to Chase, and you know what? You’re probably even right about that. But at this moment, I cannot deal with any of it. I cannot deal with telling him, I cannot deal with having him in my life in a partial capacity. We’re over, Beth, and I need that to be the end of this conversation. Because honestly, I don’t think I can deal with much more.”
I was breathing heavily when I finished talking and Beth was looking stunned and worried at the same time. Finally, she took a step toward me and took my hand. “Okay,” she agreed quietly. “Then that is the end of the conversation.”
“Thank you,” I said.
We finished packing and then loaded my car with all the boxes I would be taking with me. When I was done, I left my key with the landlord and Beth drove in the direction of my mom’s apartment. We drove in silence the whole way there and I tried not to burst, because that’s what it felt like. It felt like if I moved too fast or spoke too loudly, I might explode into a million, little pieces and float off into the atmosphere.
When we finally pulled up outside my mother’s apartment, I took off my seat belt and got out of the car. I walked around to the pavement and stared up at the building that would be my new home for the foreseeable future. A flash of the home I might have had with Chase popped into my head and I felt another wave of sickness that had nothing to do with the baby well up inside me.
I pushed it down forcibly and stood there, trying to find a bright spot in my little corner of darkness. It felt like someone had died – it honestly felt as though I was in mourning for someone.
My mother appeared from the stairwell on the side and rushed towards me while Beth unloaded some of the boxes. Her eyes were alight with worry, and I felt myself fall into her, longing for the comfort of her embrace. She hugged me hard and I felt myself let go of the sobs that had clogged my chest all morning. I cried desperately, the sound of my sobs reminding me again of death.
I realized slowly that I was mourning something. I was mourning Chase and I. I was mourning for our relationship and the future we might have had together. I was mourning the death of our happily ever after.
Chapter Fourteen
Chase
One week. That’s how long it had been since Lauren had packed up her stuff and moved out of our apartment. It didn’t even feel like “our apartment” anymore. It was just a half-empty apartment with old furniture and a bunch of old memories that pricked at my skin every time I moved.
It was probably just my imagination, but ever since Lauren had left, the apartment seemed so much colder, too. I had taken to turning up the thermostat at night because it got so cold, but in the morning, I would wake up and there was still a chill in the air. I knew I had to endure the oppressiveness of the apartment just a few days, though, because my boot camp training started up soon. I would be on a bus to the campgrounds, and I wouldn’t leave until I was ready to be deployed.
I had tried calling Lauren several times over the last week, but she was just not interested in hearing from me. She had picked up a couple of times only to hang up on me moments later. After that, she had just stopped picking up. I didn’t stop trying, though; I kept calling persistently, hoping that I would catch her at a weak moment.
I had no idea how I was going to make it. Life without Lauren was almost unbearable. I felt as though I had lost one of my limbs and sometimes at night, I would wake up and reach for her, forgetting in my haze of sleep that she was no longer by my side. My depression over losing Braden turned into depression over losing Lauren and this time, the pain was amplified by guilt. I kept going over the ways I could have done things differently, but I never seemed to get very far.
I had spent the last week making calls and arrangements. I’d had to call my coach and explain to him why I was giving up my career in the NFL. I’d had t
o explain to all my friends why the military mattered more to me right now than the chance to play pro. The only thing I couldn’t explain was where Lauren was and why we weren’t together anymore.
In a desperate attempt to speak to Lauren, I had eventually called Beth. She had sounded uncomfortable through the whole conversation, but in the end, I didn’t get much out of her.
“How is she?” I had asked.
“She’s…dealing with break-up,” Beth had replied with finality.
“She’s not answering my calls.”
“She doesn’t want to speak to you, Chase.”
“I’m leaving soon, Beth. I need to speak to her.”
“I can’t help you, Chase. She made herself very clear when she said she didn’t want contact.”
“We’ve been together nine years,” I had said. “How can this be so easy for her?”
“It’s not,” Beth had replied. “Nothing about this is easy for her, but she’s trying to protect herself now. Maybe you should respect that.”
I had hung up shortly after and had sat there pondering Beth’s last statement. A part of me couldn’t understand that. Was Lauren protecting herself from me? How could she possibly think I would do anything to hurt her?
And then it hit me.
Everything I had done in the last few weeks had been hurting her. I was just too wrapped up in my own pain to see it. She had waited patiently for me, she had been happy to wait out my grief, but what she hadn’t expected was for me to turn around and leave her in the lurch. I saw it for the first time from her perspective and slowly it dawned on me. I had made a decision without considering her and she was just returning the favor.
I couldn’t blame her. After everything she had done for me, it did seem like poor payback.
I finished packing up the rest of my things, loaded up the van I had borrowed from my dad, and then I headed over to the parents’ house for a goodbye lunch. Dad met me in the driveway and pulled me in for an unexpected hug when I approached him. He had taken the news of my enlistment much better than Mom had, but I knew she would slowly come around. She was not the type of mother who would stop her kids from doing something they were really passionate about.