by Nella Tyler
“The child is yours,” she said.
I fell silent. Mom said nothing the whole time I was quiet. I think she understood I needed time to process. When I finally managed to make sense of the words, I gulped back my shock. “The child is…mine?”
“Yes.”
“Lauren actually told you that?” I asked in disbelief.
“Well…she didn’t come right out and say it,” Mom said to my shock. “But I’m a hundred percent sure.”
“Wait,” I said quickly. “Hold on. You’re telling me that she never actually said that the child was mine? You’re just assuming?”
“He looks exactly like you,” she said in a quiet, thoughtful voice. “The shape of the face, his eyes, and his smile. He’s you in miniature. And there’s his name, too.”
“His name?” I said in confusion.
“Cole is his second name,” she said. “His first name is Braden.”
I felt a little shiver rush through my body. “Lauren named her son Braden?”
“Why would she have done that if he weren’t your son?” Mom demanded.
“That’s…not really proof, Mom,” I pointed out.
“It was to me.”
I sighed. “She didn’t actually say that Cole was mine, did she?”
“She didn’t have to.”
I nodded. “Okay,” I said. “Thanks for telling me. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”
I hung up and sat down for a while with my head spinning. I would love to have believed that Cole was mine, but there were a few things that were bothering me. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions if Lauren hadn’t confirmed it in her own words and even if she had confirmed it, that left me with a whole load of other questions.
For example, why had she not told me? Had she kept the pregnancy from me because she wanted to hurt and exclude me in some way, or was it because I left her behind? Did she not trust me? Did she not believe I would step up and be there for her? I felt awful, and I wanted to see Lauren right away and ask her all the things that had been piling up for four years.
The bottom line was that I had left her when she had needed me the most. I had been the one who turned my back on our relationship. I had broken every promise I had ever made to her and I was starting to realize that I needed to fix a few things before I could fix anything with Lauren.
“Sorry to have kept you waiting, soldier,” Grant said as he approached.
“That’s all right,” I said quickly. “Grant…I’m sorry, I need to leave soon.”
“Oh?”
“This is amazing,” I said. “And I appreciate the offer, but I’m not sure I can accept it.”
“Does this have anything to do with your complicated personal life?” Grant asked.
“It does,” I sighed.
He nodded. “Okay,” he said. “Well, if you are interested in staying with the military in some capacity, there are jobs on offer here at the camp. Jobs that don’t require you to re-enlist or commit to four, full years abroad.”
“Really?”
“Again, they’re rare,” Grant said. “And you won’t be handed this one on a silver platter. You can apply like everyone else and go through the process.”
“Thank you, Grant,” I said gratefully. “Thanks a lot.”
I said goodbye to him and left the camp for my car. When I was inside, I picked up my phone and dialed in Beth’s number. She answered quickly and I could tell from her voice that she knew who it was.
“Hi, Beth.”
She sighed. “Chase—”
“Listen to me, okay?” I said. “I was wrong, I know that. I was an asshole who turned my back on Lauren. I get why she’s so mad and I get why you’re so mad. But I’m trying to be there for her now. I just need a little help from you first.”
She hesitated for a moment. “What kind of help?” she asked cautiously.
“I’ve been obsessing over Jeremy ever since you mentioned his name the other day,” I said. “And then it hit me recently why that name sounded so familiar. Lauren used to mention him to me all the time. He was part of one of her study groups and his father owned a venture capital firm. Am I right?”
Beth seemed uncertain. “Yes,” she said reluctantly.
“So I’m assuming that he’s the one trying to help her launch her gym?” I asked.
“What does this have to do with anything?” she demanded. “Lauren is going to hate me for even having this conversation with you.”
“I love her, Beth,” I interrupted. “I want what’s best for her and I know I haven’t always shown that in the past, but I plan on stepping up now. I know that she has a son…and to be honest, I don’t care. I love her enough that I will love her son, no matter whose son he ends up being.”
Beth sighed. “She’s been through a lot, Chase.”
“I know that,” I said. “I’m just trying to make her life easier now. I’m going to try and help her in some way.”
“She’s not going to like accepting help from you,” Beth said honestly.
“I realize that,” I nodded. “Which is why I’m not going to tell her. And I’m hoping you don’t tell her, too.”
“That depends,” she said slowly.
“On what?”
“On what you want me to help you with.”
“I want you to set up a meeting for me,” I said. “I want to meet this Jeremy.”
“Seriously?” she asked, obviously dumbfounded.
“Yes,” I replied firmly. “And one more thing.”
“What?”
“When you set this meeting up, tell Jeremy my name is Liam. I don’t want him knowing who I really am.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Lauren
“I unblocked him,” I said as I walked into the kitchen where my mother was laying the table for breakfast.
“Chase?” she asked as she set the last plate down and looked up at me.
I nodded as I moved to the fridge to get out the milk and juice. “And I’m still not sure it’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“Well…because he’s going to be able to contact me now,” I explained lamely.
Mom laughed as she set the toasted bread on the table. “I think on some level you knew that when you unblocked him, darling,” she said teasingly.
“Do you think that’s the right move?” I asked, seeking some approval.
“I think your opinion counts more than mine in this case,” she said unhelpfully. “Why did you decide to unblock him in the first place?”
I sighed. “I think it’s safe to assume that the cat’s out of the bag at this point,” I said. “Not only did he see Cole, but he sent his parents in to do some recon for him. And then, I admitted to them that Cole was my son and I pretty much confessed to Mrs. Morgan that Cole was her grandson.”
“I thought you didn’t admit to that?” Mom asked as I passed her the jam from the fridge.
“Not in so many words,” I sighed. “But I told her that I named Cole after Braden. Doesn’t that seem like a confession to you?”
“Depends on how you interpret it,” she said logically.
“Mom,” I said rolling my eyes. “Why would I name another man’s child after my ex-boyfriend’s brother?”
“Because you had a connection with Braden that was independent of Chase,” she said calmly. “Because you loved and respected Braden and you wanted to do something to honor his memory.”
“Even though his memory was what broke Chase and I up in the first place?” I asked bitterly.
“Oh, sweetheart,” Mom said gently. “You know that’s not true. Chase made a decision.”
“I know that,” I nodded. “I’m just…stressed.”
Mom nodded with understanding. “You suspect that Chase knows that Cole is his?”
“I have to assume that at this moment,” I nodded. “I mean…let’s face it, Chase might have missed it, but Mrs. Morgan wouldn’t have. Cole looks so much like Chase. The resemblance is unca
nny.”
Mom nodded. “That is true.”
“I guess I just thought….”
“Yes?”
“Well, if he has questions about Cole, I’d rather him ask me than anyone else,” I said. “And given how he found out, I figure that I could at least have a conversation with him and explain things.”
“What exactly are you thinking?” she asked with raised eyebrows.
“Oh, Mom,” I said heavily. “I just feel so guilt—”
“Grandma!” Cole screamed as he came running into the kitchen from his room. He had on his underpants and nothing else. “Today is Bonnie’s birthday at school!”
Mom turned to him at once and grabbed him as he rammed into her. “Really?” she asked. “What is she bringing for you guys?”
“Marshmallow cupcakes,” Cole said excitedly. “Bonnie says they’re so, so good.”
“Well, this is going to be an exciting day for you.”
Cole nodded vigorously and then suddenly the smile on his face faltered. He looked between Mom and me as though he were worried about something. “I’ll try and bring a cupcake for you, but I don’t know if I can.”
Mom and I exchanged a smile. “We’ll be fine, sweetheart,” I said. “You just enjoy those marshmallow cupcakes, okay?”
A weight seemed to have been lifted off Cole’s little shoulders. “Okay,” he said happily.
“Now why don’t you go back into your room and get ready for school please,” I said. “I put your clothes out on your bed.”
Cole wrinkled up his nose. “I don’t want to wear the green t-shirt today,” he said decisively.
“Well, then choose something you do like,” I said.
“Can I wear my pajama top?” he asked slyly.
“No, you cannot,” I said firmly. “It’ll have to be a t-shirt. How about the red one you love…the one with Calvin and Hobbes on the front?”
“Ok,” he nodded as he raced for his bedroom.
The moment he was gone, Mom turned back to me. “You feel guilty?” she asked, having picked up on my unfinished sentence.
“Yes,” I admitted. “I haven’t really felt a lot of guilt about my decision not to tell Chase. But now…now I do.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“I think seeing him after so long made it that much more real. It was like I realized suddenly that I’d kept this massive secret from him – a secret that he deserved to know, whatever the circumstances had been between us at the time. Back then, I thought it had been really straightforward. He didn’t want me, so he wouldn’t be a part of my child’s life. But now I realize that that was unfair. I was punishing him for not wanting to be with me. I should have told him about Cole.”
Mom leaned in and put an arm around me. “Lauren, I know this is hard for you, but you can’t look back now.”
“I can’t help it,” I sighed. “I’ve been up all night thinking about it. I should have told Chase about Cole over four years ago when I was pregnant with him.”
“Maybe you should have,” she nodded. “But you didn’t. You have to look forward now.”
“Mom?” I said cautiously.
“Yes, darling?”
I sighed, trying to center myself before I confessed. “I think I was kidding myself this whole time. I think I still love Chase.”
Mom smiled sadly. “Honey, of course you do.”
I looked at her pointedly.
She smiled. “Why else haven’t you moved on with someone else?” she said calmly. “Jeremy is a good man, and he’s been in love with you for years. You would have been interested in him had it not been for the fact that you were still in love with Chase.”
It was true and now that I was hearing it out loud, it seemed painfully obvious. “This sucks,” I sighed as I put my head in my hands.
“Lauren, don’t you think it’s time you read Chase’s letters?” he asked quietly.
I glanced up at her. “Why?”
“Because of how you feel.”
I shook my head. “You misunderstood me, Mom,” I tried to explain. “I’ve had a few realizations in the past couple of days, but nothing has really changed. The only thing that has changed is that I’m open to Chase being a part of Cole’s life in some capacity. But that doesn’t mean I want to be with Chase.”
“But you love him?” she said, sounding baffled.
“Yes, I do,” I nodded. “But the truth is I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to move on. I can’t spend my entire life pining for a man who left me behind. I still love him, but it’s a different kind of love. It’s clearer now and less blind. And hopefully, that means that one day I can get over him and live my life without his shadow following me around.”
Mom looked at me sadly. “It seems like he wants you back, Lauren,” she pointed out gently.
“He doesn’t get to decide that, though,” I said firmly. “I was always there for him. But when it counted, he wasn’t there for me. I need someone I can count on. I need someone who will look out for me. I need someone I can trust.”
“It sounds like you’re speaking from a place of hurt,” she said gently. “And, sweetheart, hurt can blind you, too.”
Cole ran back into the kitchen before I could respond. He was dressed in his brown pants and his red t-shirt and looked like he was ready for marshmallows. It made me smile.
“Wow, look at you,” Mom said as she helped him into a seat at the table. “And you even combed your hair.”
“It’s Bonnie’s birthday,” Cole said seriously.
We enjoyed a nice breakfast together and then I said goodbye to Mom, kissed Cole on the forehead, and headed for work while Mom dropped Cole off at school. I had a new client today whose name was Brock Hudson. He was already at the gym when I arrived.
“Morning, Brock,” I greeted him. He was chiseled to perfection with a ripped body and a six-pack that most men would die for. He was intensely conscious of himself and seemed to become more so when I approached.
“Morning,” he greeted in a deep voice. “Are you Lauren Powell?”
“I am,” I nodded.
“A friend of mine recommended you,” he said. “Louis Carrack.”
“That’s right,” I nodded. “I was sorry to have lost him as a client. He moved cities, didn’t he?”
“He lives in Michigan now,” Brock replied, as he looked me up and down.
I ignored that and continued. “You don’t really look like you need a personal trainer, if I’m being honest,” I said. I meant it as a statement of fact, but he obviously took it as a compliment because he flexed his muscles for my benefit and flashed me a smile that made me take a step back.
“Why thank you,” he said. “But I find having personal trainers motivates me to maintain this body.”
I nodded. “Great,” I said. “Let’s begin.”
I spent the next two hours working out with Brock, who seemed hell bent on impressing me with his military-like workout ethic. At one point, it seemed like he was just trying to show off. It occurred to me that Brock’s need for a personal trainer had less to do with motivation and more to do with having an audience.
When we had finished, I said goodbye and rolled up my mat, hoping that he would get the hint and leave, but his ego was not one to take subtle hints.
“So, how would you like to grab some coffee now?” he asked, looking down at me.
I straightened up and gave him a half smile. “I’m working,” I replied. “I have another client in a few minutes.”
“After work, then?”
“Sorry, I have to pick my son up from school.”
“You have a kid?”
“I do,” I nodded hoping that would scare him off.
“Your body is banging for a woman who’s had a kid,” he said with a salacious grin.
“If you’ll excuse me—”
“How about this weekend?” he asked persistently.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I have a boyfriend.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Well, he doesn’t have to know.”
I responded to that by turning my back on him and walking away.
I was driving back home at the end of the day thinking about Brock when it struck me how many guys I’d turned down in the last few years. Not all of them had been such obvious losers. A few of them had actually seemed like decent guys, but I had been so consumed by motherhood that I had convinced myself I wasn’t ready.
Now, I was starting to see that it wasn’t about motherhood at all. That had just been my excuse. I was starting to realize I’d been unwilling to move on because of my lingering feelings for Chase. I thought about our torrid night together and felt heat creep up between my thighs. He had always had that effect on me. It was like I was programmed to want and desire him.
I had never felt that way about any other guy and at this point, I didn’t think I ever would. I needed to accept that and move on. No one would ever be Chase, so there was no point in hanging back and waiting for someone like him to turn up. I needed to look at what was right in front of me. And what was right in front of me was Jeremy.
The moment I parked the car, I dialed in his number and waited for him to pick up. “Hi, Lauren” his voice was soft and low and I knew he was still at work.
“Hi, Jeremy,” I said. “I called to ask if you’d like to meet for dinner this Friday?”
“To discuss the business?” Jeremy asked without making presumptions.
What I wanted to say was, “No, I was hoping it would be more of a date than a business meeting,” but instead I chickened out and said, “Umm yes.”
“Great,” Jeremy nodded. “Friday’s perfect.”
“Excellent,” I replied. “I’ll text you the time and place.”
I hung up and sighed. So this would take a little more effort and grit on my part than I had anticipated. But I had spent four years trying to avoid a love life, so I figured it would take a little time to establish one now. I decided to relax and see how Friday’s dinner went.
“This is not scary,” I told myself firmly. “This is exciting.”
But even as I repeated the words in my head, I wondered why this new resolve of mine had me feeling so sad.