by Nella Tyler
“We should celebrate,” he said happily. “I know this great little place we can go to after dinner. They have the best cocktails, and we can even dance.”
I smiled. “That sounds great,” I nodded, but I was starting to feel a little uneasy. The night slowly seemed to be morphing into a date and even though I had thought I’d be okay with that, I was beginning to recognize I wasn’t.
We had a lovely dinner and then walked over to the cocktail bar Jeremy had mentioned. The vibe was completely different from what I’d anticipated. It was low key, mellow, and the music was pared back and people were slow dancing on the tiny dance floor. We ordered cocktails, but before we had even finished them, Jeremy pulled me onto the dance floor.
He pulled me close to him and we started swaying to the rhythm of the music. It was intensely romantic and suddenly, my palms were sweating. Halfway through our first dance, Jeremy pulled back a little so that he could see my face. He smiled down at me and I saw purpose in his eyes.
“You look beautiful tonight,” he said.
“Thank you,” I smiled, feeling a blush come on.
“I’m really happy for you.”
“I’m happy for me, too,” I nodded. “But I couldn’t have done any of this without you. No one else would have stuck with me for so long.”
Jeremy smiled. “I did have an ulterior motive.”
We had arrived at the conversation, and I realized that I would have to make a decision. I’d been walking a tightrope this whole time and now I knew I had to jump off or stay on. I could feel the kiss coming before it came. It was there between us waiting to happen. So when Jeremy leaned in towards me, I leaned in towards him.
This time, I wasn’t taken off guard, so I was completely there for it. His lips were soft against mine, but something felt wrong. We didn’t fit together like I had imagined we would. Something was blocking me; something was not right. I pulled back, breaking off the kiss abruptly.
“Lauren?” Jeremy said looking at me with concern.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed shaking my head. “I can’t do this, Jeremy.”
“You need more time,” he nodded.
“No,” I said as I dropped my hands from around him and took a step back. “No, it’s not that I need more time. I just realized something.”
“Which is?”
“I’m still in love with Chase,” I sighed.
Jeremy stared at me for a moment and then his features drooped in disappointment.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “But this isn’t fair to you. I shouldn’t be getting involved with anybody so long as I keep thinking about Chase.”
Jeremy nodded. “I guess you can’t help how you feel.”
“I wish I could,” I sighed. “I genuinely wish I could because then I could force myself to get into this with you because I know how amazing and wonderful and kind you are.”
Jeremy smiled sadly. “That wouldn’t be enough for me, Lauren,” he said. “It’s not enough for me to know that you’ve had to force yourself to be with me just because you think it’s the right thing to do. I’d want you to want to be with me.”
I nodded.
“I think it’s time to take the possibility of us off the table,” Jeremy said slowly.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed.
He nodded. “I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for, Lauren,” he said as he took my hand and kissed it.
“You are such a good man, Jeremy,” I said feeling moisture begin to form in my eyes. “You deserve a girl who has no room in her heart for anyone but you.”
Jeremy smiled. “You know what? I think so, too.”
We laughed together and the moment was sad and funny and heartfelt all at once. I leaned in and kissed him lightly on the lips. There was nothing romantic about it. It was just about saying thank you and goodbye.
I went home in a daze of thought, but even after I’d parked outside my building, I couldn’t bring myself to go back in. There was something I needed to do before I could go inside and see my son. I picked up my phone and dialed in a number I hadn’t used in more than four years.
He answered almost immediately.
“Lauren?” his tone was shocked and mesmerized all at the same time.
“It’s me, Chase,” I said and my tone was free of bitterness and hostility.
“You’re calling me,” he said in amazement.
“I am.”
“Why?”
“Because I decided to stop running from my feelings and face them instead,” I replied honestly.
“I want to see you,” he said instantly.
“I want to see you, too.”
I couldn’t see it, but I knew he was smiling. “Can I ask you for a favor?”
I hesitated for a moment. “Okay?”
“I know we need to talk about…a lot of things. But for just that one night, can we put aside our past, the hurt and the regret and just…be us again?”
It was so tempting that I couldn’t say no. Forgetting sounded like bliss at this moment, and the way he had said us made me feel as though I was floating. “Okay,” I agreed.
“Thank you.”
“I’ll see you soon, Chase.”
“I’ll see you soon, Lauren.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Chase
The tests were elaborate, but I had expected as much. Grant had set me up with the applications and because of my record and Braden’s history with the military, I was granted an earlier examination than I would have otherwise received. I was aware of how lucky I was. I was just hoping that luck would carry into my personal life, too.
The moment I finished assembling the gun, I set it down on the table and raised my hands in the air to signal the completion of the assignment. One of the examiners came forward and nodded at me to take a step back. He eyed the gun on the table with eagle eyes that looked larger behind thick spectacles.
“You can wait outside,” he said.
I nodded and left the little cubicle to sit outside the legion of rooms that seemed to form an elaborate labyrinth that never ended. My mind was split between my performance and the situation with Lauren, but it was the good kind of distraction, tinged with the sweetness of hope.
I was so absorbed thinking about the unexpected phone call I’d received from Lauren a few days ago that I didn’t even notice Grant come up to me.
“Hi,” he greeted as he sat down next to me. “How’s it going in there?”
“They’re looking through my handiwork,” I smiled.
“Are you done?”
“Not yet,” I shook my head. “I still have to shoot.”
“Ah,” Grant nodded. “My favorite part. How good of a shot are you?”
“Good,” I said, not wanting to seem overly modest or overly confident.
“Good?” he repeated.
“Umm…yes.”
He shook his head. “You’re going to need to be great in order to get through this rung of tests.”
“I had no idea it would be so complicated,” I admitted. “When they told me the examination would take three days, I nearly fell off my chair.”
“They like to be thorough,” Grant said.
“I’ll say,” I breathed.
“How do you think you’ve done so far?” Grant asked with interest.
“Honestly? I have no idea. I’m always nervous going into a new test, but during I feel calm and that helps me concentrate. But the moment I finish, all the doubts come creeping back in.”
Grant laughed. “I was the opposite,” he said. “I was confident as fuck right up until the test and then I spent the whole test second guessing everything I did. I think your way is better.”
I laughed and nodded.
“I’m glad you decided to give this a shot,” Grant continued. “I think you’ll be an asset to the camp if you get in.”
“You have no idea how much I want this,” I breathed. “Ever since you mentioned this program, it’s all I’ve been a
ble to think about.” I stalled as I realized that wasn’t exactly true. “Well,” I corrected myself. “Career wise it’s all I’ve been able to think about.”
Grant laughed. “Does that have something to do with your very complicated personal life?”
“It does,” I was forced to admit. “I made some bad choices in the past.”
“Oh?”
“I sacrificed the woman I loved for the military,” I admitted finally.
Grant raised his eyebrows. “Whoa, that’s a hard choice.”
“It wouldn’t have been a choice at all, if it weren’t for the fact that I was so beat up over my brother’s death,” I admitted out loud for maybe the first time. “My head was so mixed up in grief that I wasn’t thinking clearly when I enlisted. It took months before I realized what an asshole I had been.”
“So that’s why you didn’t want to re-enlist?”
“Partly,” I nodded. “But I did everything the wrong way. My girlfriend…ex-girlfriend, was supposed to come with me. If that had been the case, everything would have turned out so different.”
“She didn’t go with you.”
“We broke up instead,” I replied. “And, I spent most of my deployment regretting it. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not sorry I enlisted. Being in the military gave my life the purpose it needed. I finally felt worthy, I finally felt like I was doing my part. It was just….”
“The way you did it,” he said knowingly.
“Exactly,” I nodded.
“Life is full of choices like that, Chase,” Grant said in a worldly tone. “Sometimes there’s no right or wrong choice. Sometimes it’s just about the how you make them.”
I nodded thoughtfully.
“I take it you’re trying to win over this girl of yours?”
“That was the plan.”
“And how’s it going so far?”
“It’s going. We’ll see,” I said. “That has yet to be determined.”
Grant nodded. Then he stood and looked through the glass partition into the exam room. “Looks like they’re deliberating,” he said.
“Do they look impressed?”
He laughed. “They rarely do.”
“Oh, looks like they’re heading this way.”
I stood up just as the door opened and the three examiners I’d been with all morning stepped through the door. There was Mr. Cain in his thick glasses, Ms. Patton with her impressive weaves, and Ms. Stanley in her out of place skirt-suit and lustrous, blonde hair.
“We have one more test to complete before we can evaluate you Mr. Morgan,” Ms. Patton told me.
“Excellent,” I nodded. “I’m ready.”
“Good,” she replied. “Then follow us.”
I nodded goodbye to Grant and followed the small procession out of the labyrinth of rooms and halls into the wide expanse of the camp’s compound. They led me into the shooting field and pointed to the range of guns at my disposal.
“You know the drill,” Mr. Cain said as the three of them took a step back and let me go from there.
Forty minutes later and I was done. I couldn’t help feeling a small amount of relief as I put down the last gun and the stress that had engulfed me since I’d walked into Camp Pendleton dissipated slowly. I approached the examiners and studied their faces for clues.
“Excuse us for a few moments, Mr. Morgan,” Ms. Stanley said, flipping her blonde hair in my direction. “We’ll need to deliberate.”
They left me standing on the field as they disappeared around the corner. I spent the next 20 minutes pacing up and down, with my thoughts gravitating between Lauren and my future at Camp Pendleton. When I saw Ms. Patton approach, I held my breath and stopped pacing, hoping that the fact that she was alone didn’t mean anything negative.
“Sorry for keeping you waiting, Mr. Morgan,” she said as she came forward.
“That’s all right,” I said quickly.
“You did well.” I breathed out heavily and she laughed at my reaction. “I’m sure this has been stressful for you.”
“It was,” I nodded. “More so than I thought.”
“We have a very exclusive program here,” she continued. “Which means we can only afford to recruit the very best. And as you can imagine, given that this is a position that allows you to stay in the United States, it is highly sought after.”
“Of course,” I nodded.
She held my gaze for a moment and all I wanted to do was give me an answer. Was I in or was I out? I just wanted to know.
“I met your brother once,” she said abruptly. “A long time ago.”
“You did?” I asked in surprise.
“Braden Morgan, right?”
“Yes,” I nodded.
“He was a gifted soldier,” she said. “And, he was devoted. I don’t think he would have ever retired from the military willingly.”
“That sounds like Braden,” I nodded.
“Did you know he was offered a placement here, too?” Ms. Patton asked.
I looked at her in surprise. “I didn’t know that.”
“He refused to even sit the tests,” she smiled. “He said he loved travelling too much to give it up. You’d have thought he was travelling to exotic lands and staying in five-star hotels.”
I shook my head. “That gives me some consolation at least,” I said. “At least he never felt like he was missing out on anything.”
Ms. Patton looked at me pointedly. “I suppose my question to you is, would you feel the same way?”
“What?” I said, unsure of what she was asking me.
She smiled. “You’ve got a place here in Camp Pendleton, Mr. Morgan, but it means staying put.”
I just blinked at her.
“Perhaps you need some time to think about it.”
“I…no,” I said quickly. “No time needed. I’m in.”
“You’re sure?”
“A hundred percent,” I said. “This is perfect for me.”
She nodded and smiled. Then she extended her hand out to me. “Welcome to the team, Mr. Morgan.”
“Please,” I said. “Call me Chase.”
I practically floated to my car, and I drove the whole way home with music blasting through the radio. I felt like I was on the top of the world. Now all I needed was Lauren at my side and life would be perfect again. I ran into the house the moment I parked and yelled for my parents.
“Mom!” I screamed. “Dad!”
“Chase?” Mom said in a panicked voice as she emerged from her den at the top of the stairs. “You’re back. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I assured her. “Where’s Dad?”
“He’s out at the moment,” she said as she came down the stairs. “How did things go at the camp?”
I laughed out loud. “I’m in!” I said enthusiastically. “I’m still technically working for the military without actually being in it.”
“So you’re here for good, then?” she asked in delight.
“Looks like it,” I nodded.
She stood there for a moment on the last step and closed her eyes as though she were praying silently. I stayed silent until she opened her eyes again and ran towards me for a hug. “That is the best news I’ve heard in a long time,” she sighed.
“I figured you’d be happy.”
“Happy?” she repeated. “I am thrilled! Now I don’t have to worry about you anymore.”
“Liar,” I said fondly. “You’ll still worry.”
She laughed. “Yes, that’s probably true. But it won’t be the same type of worry.”
She hugged me again and then took a step back. “And now that you’re really and truly back, what’s the game plan?”
“You’re talking about Lauren, aren’t you?” I said.
“Of course I’m talking about Lauren,” she nodded. “And Cole.”
“Cole,” I almost whispered the name.
“You’re going to fight for them, aren’t you?”
I smiled and nodded. �
��I made a lot of mistakes the first time around,” I admitted. “I’m not going to make those mistakes again. Now that I’m stable enough to make some promises to her, I’m going to go all out. And this time, I’m not going to break any of them. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get her back.
Mom nodded up at me. “That’s my boy,” she said with pride.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Lauren
He told me he was picking me up at four o’clock. It was early, but I didn’t ask any questions. My mind was working overtime as it was trying to keep my nerves in check. The whole week I obsessed about our upcoming meeting…I refused to call it a date out of fear of the word and the implications it held.
I had spent the whole morning with Cole. We had woken early, gone for a walk to the park, and then we’d come home for breakfast with Grandma. Then we’d spent some time making Lego houses I dropped Cole off at Casey’s house for a play date. I’d walked back home thinking about Chase. The moment I got home, I called out for my mother, but she hadn’t gotten back from work.
So I moved into my room and lay on my bed, staring at my ceiling, wondering what the hell I was going to do with myself until Chase showed up. It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to do; my weekends were usually crowded with chores. It was that I knew nothing would keep me distracted enough and I knew that if I attempted some of the household chores I’d been meaning to get to, I’d only do a half-assed job.
I suppose that was what led me to my shoebox full of letters. I approached my closet gingerly, as though I was scared of what was inside. Then I crouched down and pulled out the shoebox that had gotten a little heavier as the years had gone by. I closed my room door and went to the bed, settling the box of letters between my legs.
I stared at it for a long time, as though I was Pandora and this was the box I was told never to open. I removed the top and stared at the letters inside it. To the side was the little box that held the brooch I had received from Mr. and Mrs. Morgan on my graduation. I had worn the brooch a few times since receiving it, but only on special occasions. I’d worn it at Cole’s christening, his birthdays, and mine.
I’d never really thought about why I’d chosen to keep the brooch with Chase’s letters instead of in my jewelry box. I took the brooch out and examined it carefully. It was a beautiful piece and I knew it couldn’t have been cheap. I had always loved it, but I had always associated it with Chase, considering it came from his parents. Perhaps that was why I’d kept the brooch with his letters from the beginning.