by Nella Tyler
I set the brooch aside and picked up the first letter Chase had ever sent me. It had been posted more than four years ago and it suddenly stunned me that I’d managed to keep from opening it all these years. Now, it didn’t seem so daunting to open them up and see what was inside.
It felt almost like an auspicious moment. The letters had been sitting untouched in my closet for so long that the possibility of opening one felt like a ceremony. I ripped open the first letter he had ever sent me and just as I was about to pull out the piece of paper inside, I heard my mother call my name.
“Mom?” I called. “I’m in my room.”
A moment later the door opened and she popped her head inside. “Hi, honey,” she said. “What are you—”
She stopped short as she noticed what was in my hands. “Oh,” she said.
I gave her a confused smile. “I felt like seeing what was inside,” I said sheepishly.
“I’ll leave you to it then,” she said, ready to back out of the room.
“Wait,” I said quickly as I set down the letter without opening it.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“I’m scared,” I said honestly.
She hesitated for a moment before she stepped into my room to sit down next to me on the bed. “What’s scaring you?”
“I don’t know exactly,” I admitted. “I just feel like…there’s four years’ worth of words and thoughts and stories in here. I don’t know what to expect.”
“What made you want to read them now?”
“After I agreed to this…meeting,” I said stumbling over the word. “I guess it just opened me up. I started thinking of….”
“Of what?”
“Of the possibility of Chase and I,” I said. “I think I’ve started to hope again and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.”
“Of course it’s a good thing, sweetheart,” she said adamantly. “It’s a wonderful thing.”
“I’ve been angry with him for so long,” I said softly. “I’ve been bitter and hurt and resentful for so long that I don’t know how to not be bitter and hurt and resentful anymore.”
“You’ll figure it out,” she said gently. “Once you stop over thinking things.”
I sighed. “I don’t know if I can stop over thinking things,” I admitted.
“You can try on this…meeting of yours tonight,” Mom said using the default word that I had taken to using.
I smiled. “We’ve both made mistakes,” I said mostly to myself. “Maybe I should remember that. Chase’s mistake was leaving me behind and my mistake was in not telling him about Cole. You were right, Mom, and so was Beth. I should have told Chase that I was pregnant. I was felt too…betrayed.”
“The fact that you acknowledge that is a big deal, Lauren,” she said, stroking my head. “Maybe you should say as much to Cole.”
“I plan on doing just that tonight,” I said.
“You’re going to tell him that Cole is his son?” she asked softly.
I nodded. “Yes,” I said. “I feel as though I have to.”
Mom smiled. “It’s going to be okay, darling,” she said comfortingly. “Chase is a good man. He will understand.”
“What if he gets angry?”
“Maybe he will,” she said. “But I don’t think he’ll stay angry.”
I sighed and looked down at the letters. “I think it’s time I see what’s inside them,” I said.
Mom nodded left me to my room to give me some privacy. The moment I was alone, I pulled out the first letter and read through it as slowly as I was able. Once I had finished, I read through it again. They were the words I had always longed to hear. He was sorry, he regretted everything, he wanted me back, and he loved me. The words were plastered over the paper like a poem, and I couldn’t stop reading it.
I set it aside and looked for the second letter I had received. Once I was done with that, I moved on to the next one, and then the next one, and then the next one. I didn’t stop reading until I had read every single letter that Chase had sent me. When I was done, all I could see were his words plastered across the backs of my eyelids, a canvas of his life over the last four years and his prevailing love for me through it all. Little snippets of each letter flashed through my mind and I could almost imagine Chase sitting in a dark bunker writing them out.
Lauren, I miss you so much. Sometimes in the morning before I’ve opened my eyes I forget that I’m not with you anymore. I forget that you’re not lying next to me, and I reach out for you. Then my hand strikes the edge of the bed, and I open my eyes, and I realize that I’m on the other side of the world and I haven’t seen or spoken to you in months. It’s lonely here, but it’s lonelier without you.
Lauren, Just when you think there’s nothing to find on this rough terrain except bugs and sand and brown, you see the sunset and you think, there’s a little bit of beauty no matter where in the world you land.
Lauren, I dreamt of you last night.
Lauren, We moved locations last week. We’re now in the middle of the desert and it’s hot as hell. There’s this stray dog I found wandering around the campsites looking for food and water no doubt. I call her Rose after that Sting song you love so much… “Desert Rose.” It seemed appropriate. I’m with a different group of guys this time around, so I don’t really have anyone to talk to. So I talk to Rosie. Mostly, I talk to her about you. She’s happy whenever I mention your name. Or maybe that’s just me.
Lauren, We had chicken pie today and I thought of you.
Lauren, Do you remember the first senior party we ever went to? You spent a whole week talking about it and then we left early so that we could drive to the empty football field and dance in the center of the lawn.
Lauren, I was thinking of your father the other day. I used to promise you that I would never leave you behind like he did. I’m sorry I didn’t keep that promise. I will find a way to make it up to you one day. I swear it.
Lauren, Rose died today. I think she was sick when I found her. By the time I realized something was wrong, it was too late. I buried her myself, and I cried when I was finished. I wish you had been there with me.
Lauren, I love you.
Lauren, Sometimes I wake up in the night thinking about you and my heart hurts for missing you. I was a fool for leaving you behind. I was a fool for leaving at all.
My eyes were wet with tears. If Chase had been there, I would have collapsed into him and never let go. In the end, I ended up soaking in my bathtub for half an hour trying to regain some semblance of composure. By the time I was done, it was a quarter to four and I knew Chase would be there soon.
I put on a blue, silk dress and left my hair loose and free around my shoulders. I put on some foundation, mostly to cover up the fact that I’d been crying, and dabbed a little gloss on my lips. Then, I snapped on the piano brooch his parents had given me and walked outside where my mother was tidying up the living room.
“Oh, Lauren,” she said as I entered. “You look lovely.”
“Thanks,” I nodded.
“Did you read the letters?”
“All of them,” I nodded.
“And?”
“It was good I read them now,” I said. “I was ready to hear what they had to say.”
“Then I’m glad,” she nodded just as a knock sounded on our door.
Our heads jerked towards the door and my heartbeat rocked up a few notches. “He’s here,” I breathed. “And he’s early.”
“Should I get the door?” Mom asked. “Or I can go to my room?”
“No,” I said breathing deeply. “You can open the door.”
She moved forward and opened the door. Chase was standing on the other side in dark jeans and a gray sweater. He looked just as beautiful as I remembered. And this time, I wasn’t drunk on alcohol or bitterness, so I could really appreciate his beauty.
“Mrs. Powell,” Chase said with a smile.
“Oh, Chase,” Mom replied. “It’s so, so good to s
ee you.”
He leaned in and hugged her. It was a long hug and I could sense the emotion coming from both of them. When they broke apart, Mom cupped his face with her hands. “I’m glad you’re home.”
“I’m glad to be home,” he replied before he turned to me. “Hello, Lauren.”
“Hello, Chase,” I said.
“Are you ready to go?”
“I am,” I nodded, taking my purse.
“Is your son here?” Chase asked suddenly, and Mom and I exchanged a glance.
“No,” I said cautiously. “Why?”
“I was hoping to meet him,” Chase said with a smile.
“He’s at a friend’s house today,” I said.
“Later then,” he nodded.
We said goodbye to my mother and walked downstairs together. He had wanted to meet Cole and had said “your son.” I wasn’t sure if that meant he suspected or not. The moment we were in his car I turned to him.
“Chase,” I started. “I need to tell you something.”
He took my hand and kissed it gently. “We’ll have confession time later,” he said. “But for right now, let’s just be together and have some fun.”
I felt my nerves dial back as I gave into his smile. “Okay,” I laughed. “Let’s have some fun.”
Chapter Thirty-Six
Chase
It was a heady feeling to have Lauren sitting next to me. A part of it felt surreal, as though I wasn’t really there and this was just a very realistic fabrication of my imagination. I realized that I’d spent so much time fantasizing about this moment that now that it was finally here, it had a dreamlike quality about it. Every so often, I would glance over at Lauren to make sure she was still there.
She was wearing a soft, blue dress that was fitted at the chest and waist before fanning out lightly at her hips. The sleeves were floaty and just slightly see through, so that I could see the pale skin of her arms through the fabric. She was wearing the brooch my parents had given her on my behalf and I was glad about that. Her dark hair fanned her face perfectly, bringing out the green of her eyes. She looked magnificent, and I couldn’t help but say so.
She smiled, but said nothing. It was a secretive smile and made my blood boil. Instantly, the image of her naked and in my bed popped into my head. I forced the image out, knowing I’d never be able to get through the night if I kept focusing on those memories.
“Where are we going?” Lauren asked as she studied the route I was taking. “We’re passing the hub.”
“I know,” I nodded. “That’s because we’re not going into the city.”
“Then where are we going?”
“You’ll see,” I said, giving her a secretive smile of my own.
She seemed to accept this answer as she glanced out the window. I wanted to reach out and take her hand, but I didn’t want to come on too strong. I wanted to ease into the night and make her feel comfortable.
“Can I ask you a question?” Lauren asked.
“Of course,” I said. “Anything.”
“I know we’re just having fun tonight,” she said. “But does that mean we can’t talk about the past?”
I considered that for a moment. “We can,” I said slowly. “But let’s promise to leave the issues aside.”
“I can do that,” he nodded.
“Good,” I smiled. “Because I really do want to know about the last four years of your life, Lauren. I want to know everything I missed.”
“There’s a lot to tell.”
“I don’t doubt it,” I nodded. “Maybe we should start at the beginning.”
“What is the beginning?”
“Graduation,” I said softly.
She glanced over at me. I could see the emotion in her eyes. She had really wanted me to be there, but she didn’t say that. We were keeping our issues out of this conversation and Lauren was nothing if not true to her word. “It was nice of your parents to come,” she said.
“I should have been there,” I said. “Can you ever forgive me for missing it?”
“I’ll think about it,” she said lightly, making me feel as though there was hope. “This brooch I’m wearing was their gift to me actually,” she continued pointing it out for me.
My silence must have tipped her off because she looked at me pointedly. “What?” she demanded.
I smiled. “Nothing,” I said. “It suits you beautifully.”
I turned my eyes to the road but I could feel her eyes boring into my face. “Chase?” she said softly.
“Yes?”
“This brooch was not actually from your parents, was it?”
“I…of course it was.”
“Chase,” she said firmly.
I smiled apologetically. “Given how we left things, I didn’t think you’d accept it if you knew it was from me,” I admitted at last. “And I wanted you to have something from me that day.”
Lauren glanced down at the brooch on her chest and examined it with new eyes. “Strange,” she said softly as though she were talking to herself.
“What’s strange?” I asked curiously.
She glanced towards me. “I wear this only on special occasions,” she said. “In a weird way, I’ve had a part of you with me this whole time through all the major events in my life.”
“I like the sound of that.”
“Me too,” Lauren replied, and I felt warm inside.
We pulled to a stop, and Lauren looked around, having lost track of where we were. “Oh my God,” she breathed. “Bruder’s Burgers,” she said, catching sight of the sign.
“Remember driving down here on the third Friday of every month?”
“Of course I remember,” Lauren nodded. “Their burgers were the absolute best!”
“And you loved their banana milkshakes,” I reminded her.
She nodded as we got out of the car. “And that’s something, considering that—”
“You don’t even like bananas,” I finished the sentence for her.
She smiled and we walked in together. The best part about Bruder’s was that it was a little isolated, which meant it wasn’t usually packed with people. There were always a few, quiet corners for people who wanted to indulge in a simple evening together.
We ordered our old favorites and settled into a secluded little booth at the far section of the restaurant. “It’s nostalgic being back here,” Lauren said.
I looked around. “Hasn’t changed all that much, has it?”
“Why change a good thing?” she said with a shrug.
“I don’t see the jukebox, though,” I said turning my head. “Maybe they removed it.”
“Nope,” she shook her head. “They just moved it. It’s right over there.”
I got up out of my seat and went over to the jukebox with a quarter in hand. When I came back to our table, “Only Wanna Be With You” was playing.
“Hootie and the Blowfish,” Lauren sighed. “This song. Do you remember the night we came down here and played the song so many times that the waiter had to come over and tell us to give it a break?”
I laughed. “And you tried to bribe him?”
“It wasn’t a bribe…exactly,” Lauren said and then she laughed at herself. “I just wasn’t done listening to that song.”
We settled into the mood of the night and I could tell Lauren was relaxing. It gave me the courage to ask her questions about her life and it gave me confidence when she answered them without reserve.
“Are you still working on opening up a gym of your own?” I asked innocently.
Her eyes brightened instantly. “Someone’s investing in the business,” she told me. “So now I have enough capital to get this business off the ground.”
“That’s amazing, Lauren,” I said. “I’m so proud of you.”
“You know what? I’m proud of myself, too,” she said. “It hasn’t been easy with…everything.”
I knew she had been about to mention Cole, but she had changed her mind at the last minute. I
didn’t press her on the subject. I wanted her to bring up her son when she was ready. I was willing to be as patient as it took.
We finished dinner and then I led Lauren back to the car. “Where are we headed now?” she asked with interest, and I was thrilled that she was enthusiastic.
“You’ll see,” I told her as we started driving.
We were halfway there when Lauren’s phone started ringing. She glanced at it as though she were about to put it on silent, but when she saw who was calling, she answered immediately.
“Mom?” she said. “Is everything all right?"
I heard soft talking on the other line, but I couldn’t hear distinct words.
“Oh,” Lauren said. “Of course, put him on.” There was some static on the other end as the phone changed hands and then I heard the sound of a little high voice. “Hi, sweetheart,” Lauren said in voice that was soft with love. “Grandma said you wanted to talk to me.”
I could only hear Lauren’s side of the conversation, but it was a clear indicator of her relationship with Cole. “Uh-huh…That’s great…Did you have fun? Chocolate cake with strawberry frosting…Wow! I won’t be late, honey…I’ll see you soon.”
She hung up and put her phone away. I could feel the tension wafting off of her, but I wanted her to know that I wasn’t going to pry. She could tell me whatever she wanted to in her own time.
“Was that milkshake as good as you remembered it being?” I asked, cutting the tension.
She smiled. “It was better,” she replied.
Fifteen minutes later, I parked and Lauren looked out the window and laughed. “The football field?”
“We had a lot of memories here,” I said. “I thought it would be nice to revisit it.”
We got out of the car and walked towards the field together. It was shrouded in darkness, but light was filtering in from the streetlights and surrounding buildings. I could see the bleachers off in the distance.