Broken Beast

by R. R. Banks

  Something must have happened for her to suddenly get cold feet, but it happened over the course of the day. Did Max text her again? Did someone tell her that he knows more about where she goes day to day? I don’t know what her deal is. But I do know that I’m at the end of my rope. Why can’t she just fucking talk to me?

  I don’t use social media, but I’m debating whether I should dig up Gigi’s contact info. We haven’t spoken in years, but I bet she’d tell me. She was always really honest, but also fiercely loyal to Simone. So maybe she wouldn’t tell me if the secret was that dire.

  Or maybe it’s something I did. Maybe I push her for sex too much? That doesn’t make sense, though, because we’re clearly both really enjoying it. Or maybe she’s just tired of me and finally lost her ability to keep it together. I haven’t been dumped in years and years, and I don’t want to re-live that feeling. But why would she ask to put our relationship on hold if she didn’t want me at all?

  At least I have a different problem to worry about, at least temporarily. Edgar’s called yet another meeting in town at the bagel shop.

  I don’t believe he has a good deal or anything that could convince me, but maybe I can weasel him into rethinking his newest deals. Or, as Simone suggested, I can see what the locals really want, and try to start my studio. The idea makes me surprisingly anxious, but Simone’s got a weird amount of faith in me and my ability to be a sociable person. Damn it, just thinking about her makes my chest ache. I shove the feeling aside. For people to get behind my idea, I can’t just stand there and be intimidating. I actually have to try.

  I’m not the first one there today. Harrison is smoking next to his car with someone I don’t recognize. The guy doesn’t seem like a tourist — he’s wearing jeans, a T-shirt, and work boots that a lot of guys around here wear, worn with use — but he’s so good-looking that even I notice. He’s around six feet, in great shape, with a haircut that I can tell is expensive. There’s no way anyone’s hair falls just right without some effort. The man looks me up and down, puts out his cigarette, and says something to Harrison. Harrison nods, and the man walks off. Maybe Harrison just gave him a light, because they don’t seem like they know each other well.

  Harrison notices me and waves, walking to meet me.

  “You here for the meeting?” he asks.

  “Yep.” I open the door to the bagel shop. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

  The shop’s filled with people who are just picking up breakfast, with Edgar and the others in the corner at one of the big corner tables, a platter of bagels in front of him. People move when I walk up, giving me space. Edgar looks me up and down, his eyes narrowed. At least he’s not pretending to be polite anymore.

  I put together a bagel while everyone around me makes small talk. I’m not an anxious guy, but suddenly I’m aware of how rusty I am at being a normal human being. I don’t feel like talking about the weather or how the old hardware store is closing. But I should, shouldn’t I? I sigh and pour myself a cup of coffee in a little paper cup.

  Edgar sits down at the head of the table and clacks his little stack of brochures together. Everyone quiets down.

  “Thanks for coming, everyone.” Edgar starts passing around the brochures. “As I’m sure some of you know, my associates and I have now purchased two plots of land for our resort. Since I know that a lot of you care about what the resort will do to the town, here’s a breakdown of the financial benefits that will come to the entire town, not just all of you. There’s also a section on our efforts to preserve the environment.”

  He gives me a pointed look, and it takes a lot of power for me to not roll my eyes like a teenager.

  I take a brochure and look it over. It lists the number of jobs that the resort will bring, plus the potential salaries and benefits. I try to pick apart the details, since I know he’s the type to hide some trap behind tricky language. The benefits are for full-time employees, but most of the jobs are part-time. Pay’s pretty decent — enough to get by for most people, at least around here. I’m tentatively impressed, but who knows if he’ll keep his word… And his plan to maintain the natural landscape looks like someone at least sort of tried to make it right.

  “I’m sure all of you have noticed the recent increase in crime also.” Edgar takes the leftover brochures. “If the resort is built, then more tax money will be coming into the town. With more tax money comes a bigger budget, and that bigger budget can be allocated to the police department.”

  That gets people’s attention. Chatter breaks out, and I glance around the table.

  “Is the increase in crime that serious?” One of the landowners who hasn’t sold yet asks, looking at the brochure in confusion.

  “The arson rate is way up, and there’s been a two hundred percent increase in burglary and grand theft in the past year,” Edgar explains. “And that doesn’t even take assaults into account.”

  Damn. I didn’t realize things were that bad. Now I’m torn — the resort would be a fast way to fix the crime issue. But is Edgar right? I know there have been more arsons, but I didn’t know about all that other stuff. And besides, a two hundred percent increase in burglaries could mean there was one last year and three this year. Not that any are good, but the way he phrases it matters.

  “What’s that in comparison to? This town has always been safe,” another landowner asks. “It’s not like we’re New York City or something.”

  “True, it’s not nearly that bad. But in comparison to other towns in the county, Gray’s Point is quickly becoming the town with the highest crime rate.” Edgar clasps his hands together. “Particularly when it comes to felonies.”

  “But wouldn’t that make you not want to be here?” Harrison asks, looking paler than usual. “If the town has more crime?”

  “Mm, not necessarily.” Edgar shrugs. “I mean, it did give us pause — arson is very serious, and it’s a little unusual for a town this small to have so many — but we think the investment is worthwhile, especially with an increased police force.”

  Harrison sits back, clearly not pleased by this at all. I’m not pleased either. I can’t deny the fact that we need more money in the town. This is the fastest way to get it done, but also the worst.

  I don’t want to be stubborn, but I don’t want to let this go if it means losing something this important to us all.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Simone

  I feel like absolute garbage. I thought morning sickness was supposed to be just a morning thing, but I feel nauseous all day, every day. I’ve just had another dinner of toast, which is the only thing I can eat without wanting to die. I didn’t get out of bed to eat it because I’m exhausted, so now I’m covered in crumbs. I’m eighty steps behind on my to-do list because I’ve been napping all the time, and I nearly screamed when I bumped my boob on a door earlier. They’re a little bigger, which is nice aesthetically since they weren’t huge in the first place, but they hurt like hell.

  How much longer can I hide this? I’m running out of excuses to give everyone for why I’m holed up all the time. There are only so many colds a girl can fake. And I’m definitely starting to show if I’m not wearing the right clothes. The only people who know are Gigi and Holly, who took a look at me one day and just knew.

  “It’s just a weird sense I have,” she explained with a shrug, unbothered by the fact that she’s apparently psychic. “Something about your face. I almost decided to be a midwife once.”

  So that was creepy and terrifying. The few times I’ve been out in town, I’ve been paranoid that someone will just look at me and bring it up.

  On the upside, she’s been massively helpful and soothing through all this, giving me advice without prying into my personal business. She promised to keep it a secret, even though I know she probably knows it’s Jay’s. It’s not like I’ve gone around town on dates or anything. She’s given me some books and tons of tips on dealing with the nonstop rollercoaster ride that my body’s going through. She even rec
ommended me to her OB one town over, who I saw a week ago. Everything’s going okay so far, which is a massive relief.

  I hate being stuck in this weird place, not sure where the future’s going. Jay has to know at some point — he’s either going to guess if he sees me, or I’m going to tell him if I ever build up the courage. We’ve only been texting, slowly warming back up to each other again, and every time he asks how I’m doing, I have to lie. The lies have escalated from ‘bad cold’ to ‘most contagious virus ever’ in an attempt to keep him away from here with his comfort and kindness. I’m putting my head in the sand at this point, despite every waking moment being consumed by feeling like boiled trash.

  I’m not going to cry about this. Instead, I grab my phone and video call Gigi. She and Jack just finished their move the other day, so hopefully she’s settled. After a few rings, she picks up. She waves at me wildly, the slight chat delay making her movements choppy.

  “Hey!” She’s at home, which I only know because I recognize her pink couch. The place behind her looks brand new and enormous compared to their old place — high ceilings, actual sunlight, tidy trimmings. “What’s up? How are you feeling?”

  “Like shit.” I sigh and sink deeper into my pile of pillows. “But your new place looks good! Give me a tour.”

  “Everything’s mostly in boxes still, but okay.” She stands up and turns her phone’s camera away from selfie mode. “Can I be lazy and just move around my camera? You know what our stuff is. We haven’t bought any new furniture, besides a TV stand.”

  “Yeah, that’s cool.” She isn’t kidding — everything’s basically the same as their old place, except it’s spread out now that it’s not crammed into a studio.

  “How are you feeling?” she asks again, still wandering around their new place. “Still barfing all the time?”

  “Not all the time, but I feel like shit.” I take a sip of my seltzer. I miss chugging drinks without my body getting mad at me. Learned that lesson the hard way.

  “You look like it.”

  “Well, thanks, Gigi.”

  She flips her camera back into selfie mode so I can see the concern on her face. “I mean, no offense. But you look sad, mostly.”

  “I guess I am,” I sigh. “I think I’m just over being up here. I’ve been in here working away and I just want to get back to the city.”

  “You sure it’s not Jay? Did he not take the news well?”

  I pause, biting my lower lip. I told her I was going to tell him last night, but I chickened out.

  “Simone.” Gigi’s eyebrow goes up. “You’ve told him, right?”

  “No,” I mutter quietly.

  Gigi shakes her phone. “Since I can’t shake your shoulders to snap you out of it, I have to shake my stupid phone. Come on now, hun.”

  “I’m going back to the city in a little while. He doesn’t really need to know. I’ll email him or —”

  “You are not going to email the father of your child about being knocked up. Holy shit. I cannot believe I just had to say that.” She flops back down on her couch. “Just tell him to his face. You can’t move forward without letting him know, and you’re probably feeling sad because you’re in limbo.”

  Ugh, I hate it when she’s right.

  “He’s not going to take it well,” I protest slowly.

  “Okay, maybe, but he has to know. So you just have to drop that bomb in person.” She softens a little. “Just text me if you need a pep talk, okay?”

  “Okay,” I sigh.

  “And go outside. You look a little pale, too. When was the last time you left for more than just groceries?” she asks.

  “You’re mom-ing me so hard right now.” I smile. “But it’s been a while. I think I’ll ask Maya to go on a hike tomorrow. Might as well get some exercise and breathe all this fresh air while I can.”

  Oh God, I’m going to be inhaling so much gross stuff when I get back to the city. I reach for my laptop to look up how smog affects babies but stop myself. Holly said Googling symptoms or potential issues is basically asking for anxiety attacks. Plus, basically everything my body does is weird now, anyway.

  “That’s so cute. I want to mentor a teenager. One who’s not my actual sister, though, since she’s an asshole.” Gigi looks past her phone. Her youngest sister, Grace, is ten years younger and definitely is at the bottom of the list of nicest people I know.

  “You can do that. There are charities that connect you with young people who need guidance,” I point out. “Actually, that would be kind of cool. Maybe we should do that when I get back.”

  “Yeah, maybe.” Gigi’s still looking past her phone. “I think Jack’s coming home with food. Talk later?”

  “Yeah, definitely.” I blow her a kiss, and she blows one back. “Bye.”

  She hangs up. Once I’m done, I text Maya to see if she’s free tomorrow. I need to get all the fresh air I can get while I’m here.

  “Got water?” Maya asks. We’re standing behind my car’s open trunk, putting on hats and lacing up our boots for our hike. We’re parked at the base of the trail, where small groups are coming and going. Mostly going, since it’s getting hot in the afternoon sun. The trail is shaded for the most part, but the higher it goes, the more exposed it is. I’m wearing a loose linen button down that hides my little bump, plus some stretchy bike shorts, and I’m already sweating a little bit. I’m feeling pretty okay overall, finally. Maybe the fresh air and sunlight are helping.

  “Yep.” I tuck two extras into my backpack.

  “Granola bars?”

  “Yep.” I put a whole box in there, just in case. I don’t want to pass out or anything. “And sunscreen, bug spray, and sunglasses.”

  “Awesome.” She puts her bag on her back and adjusts her hat, her two pigtails swinging out underneath. “Let’s go.”

  She leads the way, since this is actually the first hike I’ve been on since I was in the Girl Scouts in fifth grade. Maya’s been asking if I want to go on one for ages, saying it’s not like we have to climb up the side of a mountain or anything like that. And exercise is good for me, especially now.

  “This is the easy route, right?” I ask, looking up the slope. I don’t like the look of this. I’m not out of shape, but I’m not looking to climb a mountain in my state.

  “Yep. Don’t worry, this is the hardest part,” she grins. “It’s not so bad once we get up this.”

  “Okay. I’ll take your word for it.” I adjust my backpack and pick up my pace so I meet hers. Why do my hips hurt?

  “Shoot, you’ve been sick. I shouldn’t be walking so fast.” She slows down a little. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’m better now anyway,” I reply. We fall into a rhythm, walking side by side. There aren’t a lot of people out on this part of the trail. Then again, it’s a weekday, so most people aren’t. “How are things? It’s been a while since we’ve had a lesson.”

  She lets out a heavy sigh. “They’re okay. I’ve been working on a lot of the pieces you’ve been helping me with. I’ll show you when we get back.”

  “That’s great!” I look over at her. She looks defeated. “So why do you look so sad?”

  “I dunno.” She sighs again. “I just feel behind. I was on some subreddit for people who want to go to fashion school and I’m so behind. It’s going to take me forever to get up to speed.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with that. You have your job at the store and your friends.”

  “Yeah, well, my friends are going to college in the fall and I’m not, so I won’t have many around. Maybe I should have applied to places since I graduated back in December. I mean, that was the cut off for most places, but my friend Kelly applied to a place with rolling admissions and got in.”

  Her normally bright, warm expression is cold and drawn. I recognize that feeling, like you’re being left behind. It’s the hardest thing to deal with when you’re young.

  “Trust me, if you don’t want to go to college, don’
t go. It’s seriously not the place to go just because you think you should go,” I say. “You know what you like, and what you’re good at. So what if other people are a little bit ahead of you? You’re still on a good path and you’re working hard.”

  That gets a little smile out of her. “Thanks, Simone.”

  “No problem.” I gently bump her shoulder with mine. “I had the same exact thoughts when I was your age.”

  “Back in the day?” she teases.

  “Oh yeah, way back,” I snort. “Basically to the Middle Ages.”

  The uphill climb finally levels off onto a plateau, trees reaching up to the sky above us. Everything’s so green and beautiful. The trees are dense around the path, so dense that I know I’d get lost if I somehow stumbled off the trail.

  “Look!” Maya points outward. The view’s stunning, with the rolling mountains stretching way out onto the horizon. “It’s so pretty up here.”

  “It is.” I suddenly feel a little tired. Well, more tired on top of my usual tired. “You want to sit on that rock for a second?”

  “Sure.”

  We sit down on the rock so we can look out onto the view. I take a second to sip some water and stretch out my legs. Okay, maybe I am slightly out of shape. I can’t blame this all on the baby. I tug at my shirt to make sure it’s not touching my stomach.

  “The guy I like is going to college, too,” she finally breaks the silence. “So he’s probably going to go there and bang all these cool girls and never talk to me again. So that’s why I feel like I should go. I’m already feeling behind on everything. Now I’m going to be even farther behind socially.”

  “Oh, Maya.” I resist the urge to pat her hand like I’m her grandma. “There’ll be other guys. Maybe some who are even better than him.”