by Alex Grayson
I cross my arms over my chest to ward off the sudden chill seeping into my bones.
“That picture you saw is the only one I had of you. If she couldn’t have you in real life, I wanted her to at least have a piece of you. She may not really know you, but she’s loved you for years.”
“She doesn’t know me because you made it so,” he grates out between clenched teeth. “I missed everything because of your decision, Ellie. Every fucking special moment up until now. Those are moments I’ll never get back.”
Tears prick my eyes, and I blink hard to stop them from falling, but a couple manage to escape.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper hoarsely. I’ve never meant an apology more than I do in this moment. “I’m so sorry, Judge.”
He roughly combs his fingers through his hair, then tips his head back. His lashes fall against his cheeks as he closes his eyes. When he brings his head back down and his eyes land on me, I barely hold back a flinch. Had I not been leaning against the window frame, I would have taken a step back at the hostility in his gaze.
“You say you’re sorry,” he states with a hard voice. “Then prove it. Tell me why you kept my daughter from me. Tell me what the fuck I did to deserve that. And don’t say it’s because you were protecting her from my rejection. There’s more to the story.”
I bite my lip and look down at my socked feet. He deserves to know the truth, but that night hurt me in more ways than him kicking me out of his apartment. So much more happened. I still have nightmares.
I walk over to the couch and take a seat, drawing my feet to the edge of the cushion and hugging my knees to my chest. I keep my eyes pinned on the blank TV screen across from me.
“My car wouldn’t start that night, and before we….” I trail off, remembering the tender way he worshipped my body. At the time, I thought it was Judge’s love for me overwhelming him, but that wasn’t it at all. He was saying goodbye. “Anyway, I forgot to charge my phone and it was dead, so I had no way of calling anyone. I stayed in the car for twenty minutes, trying to calm down, before I left to walk to the twenty-four-hour convenience store not far from your house.”
My fingers dig into my calf muscles and I swallow thickly. Judge is somewhere behind me, but he stays quiet.
“I was only a couple of blocks away. I could see the store. There were a couple of cars in the parking lot.” I squeeze my eyes shut, recalling that night so clearly. “I didn’t even hear them behind me, because my mind was still trying to wrap around what happened with you. All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed, and feel sorry for myself.”
Judge mutters a curse, but I’m so engrossed in the past that I barely register it.
“One grabbed me around my waist and slammed his hand over my mouth before I could scream. As I was dragged backward, I remember seeing someone walk out of the store toward their car. I tried to bite the guy’s hand to let me go. I needed to scream to get the person’s attention before they got in their car. I never got the chance though. I was pulled into an alley out of sight. Another guy appeared in front of me. I was so scared.
“He demanded I hand over my wallet and anything valuable I had. In my upset state, I forgot my purse in my car, but for some reason brought my dead phone. The only other thing I had of value on me was the tennis bracelet you bought me. I didn’t want to give it to them, but they snatched it off my wrist. When they realized my phone and bracelet were the only things they were getting from me, it angered them. The first hit to my ribs stunned me enough that I thought I was going to pass out. I had never been hit in my life. The guy behind me was still holding me up. His hand fell from my mouth, but I was out of breath so I couldn’t scream.”
I open my eyes and rest my chin on my knees. Tears gather in my eyes, and this time I let them slip free.
“The next hit was to my face. After the third hit, the guy who was holding me let me go. I fell to my knees, but before I could fall the rest of the way, a third guy appeared. The punch he landed against my cheek bone hurt worse than all the others.”
I blink rapidly, trying to force away the phantom pain in my face.
“I don’t remember anything after that. Apparently, the guy I saw coming out of the store happened to drive past the alley where I was and caught the guys attacking me. I woke up in the hospital two days later. It was then that I found out I was pregnant. The doctor said he doesn’t know how the fetus survived. He called her a miracle baby.”
I’m quiet after that for several moments. The only sound in the room is Judge’s harsh breathing.
“For a long time, I blamed you. You weren’t the one who attacked me, but I would have never been on that street had you not kicked me out that night. The therapist I saw afterward said I was keeping Maisy a secret as a form of punishment.” I shrug and wipe my nose with my shirt sleeve. “I don’t know. I probably was, but that wasn’t the only reason. Rationally, I knew the odds of this happening was very low, but I had the fear that if you rejected Maisy, something horrible would happen to her.”
I stop talking. I’m scared to look at Judge. Worried he won’t believe my story, or even worse, not care. Of course, I’ve got a crap ton of medical records to prove what I’m saying is the truth, not to mention the scars, but if he doubts me, after the pain, heartbreak, and fear I went through that night, I’m not sure that’s something I can handle.
Gathering my courage, I lift my head and look to the side where I feel him standing beside the couch. He has his hands shoved into his pockets, but by the bulges I see through the material, I know they’re fisted. His face is red, the muscle in his jaw bunches, and his lips form a straight line. It’s his eyes though that speaks volumes. They look irate. No, that’s not strong enough. They look like pure wrath. Like he’s on the verge of destroying something.
He’s facing me, and his eyes pin me in place. I begin to shake at the dark look. I hug my legs tighter against me.
“Were they ever convicted?” His growled words are low.
I force the thick lump down my throat, lick my lips, and answer. “Two of them were. They were sentenced to fourteen years. The third one got away.”
He twists his head to the side like he’s trying to loosen the muscles. I hear a loud pop.
“Do they know who the third man was? His name?”
I shake my head slowly. “No. The two guys refused to give up the third guy’s name.
He jerks his head up in a motion resembling a nod and turns away from me. He pulls one of his hands from his pocket and squeezes the back of his neck, the pulse in his temple throbbing. I can’t pull my eyes away from him as he stands there silently. He does so for so long that I jolt when he speaks.
“You should have come back,” he says, his voice strained. “You should have come back to my apartment. I would have helped you.”
I swipe the heel of my palm under my eyes. “I know that now. I knew it then too, but I couldn’t bare to see you again. Not after what you said. Not after you forced me to leave. What those guys did to me hurt. It hurt beyond anything I could have imagined. But the pain of losing you was so much more.”
He flinches. I have a side view of his face, but there’s no mistaking the devastation and remorse he’s feeling. That’s part of the reason why I didn’t want to tell him. Yes, for a long time I blamed Judge for what happened to me. He hurt me, but I was also angry. It took me years to realize that it wasn’t his fault. Even though he no longer wanted me, I knew he wouldn’t want me to be hurt. When I made the decision to ask him for help, I knew once he discovered what happened that night, he would blame himself. He may have played a part, but he would have never let me leave that apartment if he even suspected what would happen.
“I’m sorry.” A knot forms in my stomach at the ravaged way the words come out. “I’m so Goddamn sorry, Ellie.”
I get up from the couch and walk over to him. His eyes flash to me when I touch his arm. Rejection is a bitch, and she has her sharp claws
in me when he takes a step back.
“It’s taking everything in me to not go off the rails. I can’t—” He stops abruptly and shakes his head. “Just don’t touch me right now.”
I nod and hug my stomach to give my hands something to do.
“Why?” I ask suddenly.
“Why, what?”
I rub my lips together before I ask what I’ve always wanted to know. Something I’ve never understood.
“We were happy, weren’t we? I mean, those six months wasn’t just my imagination. What made you fall out of love with me? What did I do wrong?”
My nose burns when more tears form. I quickly sniff and try my best to keep them back. Judge looks away from me and takes several moments to answer.
“There’s shit you don’t know about me, Ellie. Shit I didn’t want you to know. I was protecting you from it.” He lets out a harsh laugh. “I protected you from something that would hurt you and threw you in front of something else that could have killed you.”
“Does… does it have to do with your childhood?”
I don’t know why I ask that. I know about Sweet Haven and what Judge, his brothers, and all the other kids went through. It was horrible and unfathomable. We had talked about it several times back then, and each time it ended with me in tears, but there’s no reason for me to think him breaking things off had anything to do with it. I don’t know. Maybe it’s because he always seemed so secretive anytime we talked about it. Like there was more to what he had told me.
“Yes,” he answers. I open my mouth to ask him what, but he forestalls me by holding up his hand. “It’s still something I’m not ready for you to know. I’ll tell you, just not right now.”
I purse my lips. “That’s a bit hypocritical, don’t you think? You just demanded I tell you something I didn’t want to tell you and now you’re refusing me?”
“This is different.”
I let out a bitter laugh. “Says who? You? How is your secret any different than mine?”
“Because,” he bites out, “it would affect a hell of a lot of people.”
I frown, perplexed. What in the hell is he hiding? What was so important that warranted him ripping my life apart?
I decide to drop it for tonight. Talking about my ordeal has left me raw. It always does when I think about it. That’s why I avoid it as much as possible. Of course, every time I look in the mirror, I’m reminded of it.
I sigh and wipe my hands down my sleep pants. “I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”
I turn and make my way to my bedroom. At the mouth of the hallway, Judge calls my name. I stop but don’t turn around.
“I’m sorry. For not only what those bastards did to you, but also for the part I played in it. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
My throat closes and I have to clear it before I respond softly, “I know.”
Leaving him behind, I go to my room, crawl into bed, and cry silently into my pillow until I drift off into a fitful sleep.
Chapter Seven
JUDGE
The Past
WE’RE STANDING JUST OUTSIDE of the doors to the Hall of Hell. My parents are several feet away talking to the Moores. I push my hands into my pockets and kick a rock, watching it skitter across the concrete. I kick another one to see if it makes it past the first one.
I’m trying my best to not think about what’s going to happen in a few minutes, but just like every Hell Night, it consumes my thoughts.
Who will I be forced to be with? A man? A woman? Another kid? One of my parents? Or maybe both? More than one person at once? Will I have to put my penis in someone, or will they be doing that to me, or will I have to put my mouth on them? I don’t know which one is worse. Actually, yes, I do. Doing all three at once is worse. Will they be rough or pretend to care and be gentle? Will it be someone who my parents owe a favor? Or one of their close friends? One of my friends? Or maybe my parents threw some names in a hat and picked someone randomly. As you can tell, my parents aren’t picky on who normally has me for Hell Night. I’ve probably been with half the people walking inside the Hall of Hell.
Mrs. Malone walks up to my parents and the Moores. I overheard my parents talking about her the other day. A couple of weeks before then, they found out she was pregnant and they wondered if the baby was mine, because I was partnered up with her the Hell Night before then. They went on to say they were glad she had the baby killed—I think they called it an abortion—because they weren’t ready to be grandparents yet. They said that abortions aren’t normally allowed by the council, but Mrs. Moore feared the child could be her son’s because she was with him the same night she was with me. Her husband is now infertile, so it couldn’t be his. Having a baby by someone related to you isn’t allowed. I know that it’s bad to be glad a baby is dead, but I am glad, because I don’t want my baby to go through what I’ve been through ever since I could remember.
Yelling has me turning to look behind me. My fingernails bite into my palms when I see Mr. Masters with his hand around Emo’s throat. His face is red and his eyes shoot out fire as he glares at his dad.
“Get your fucking ass in the Hall, Aziah!” Mr. Masters yells. “Or so help me God, you’ll regret it.”
No one does anything as Mr. Masters squeezes Emo’s neck harder, causing his face to turn purple. Except for Hell Night, most kids have normal childhoods. The parents care for them as most parents should. Emo’s one of the exceptions. His dad is always abusing him in some way. Everyone’s scared of Mr. Masters because he’s one of the high members of The Council and they worry he’ll cause trouble for them. I don’t care though. It’s not like I won’t be hurting later tonight anyway, and Emo is one of my best friends, one of my brothers.
I stomp across the grass toward them. Mr. Masters back is facing me, so I catch him by surprise when I use all my strength to shove him. He lets go of Emo and stumbles forward.
“Get your hands off him!” I scream at the top of my lungs.
After he regains his balance, Mr. Masters spins around. “What in the fuck are you doin’, boy?” he growls.
I glare at him. I’m only twelve years old, so I know my glare won’t scare him, but I do it anyway. “Making you stop hurting my brother.”
He barks out a laugh. “Brother? He’s not your fuckin’ brother, Kayn. He’s a little bastard that doesn’t follow rules. That’s the only thing he is.”
I’m so angry I begin to shake. “He. Is. My. Brother.”
I feel my parents walk up behind me, and a hand settles on my shoulder.
“Kayn,” Mom starts.
“No!” I shake off the hand. “I love Emo like a brother. And you protect the ones you love.”
“You love him, huh?” Mr. Masters sneers. A look comes in his eyes that makes a nasty shiver crawl up my spine. “Let’s see just how much you love him.” He looks past me to my parents. “Since you can’t keep a handle on your boy, I believe you owe me.”
It’s Dad who answers. “You can have him for the night.”
Dread fills my stomach, making it turn and flip. For as far back as I can remember, Mr. Masters has always had Emo take Rella, Trouble’s sister, while he takes Emo. It’s only been a couple of times he’s added someone else, and it’s always been another kid. Once I saw him hurting Trouble while Trouble was forced to have sex with Emo. I’m scared of what he’ll have us do tonight. From the evil look in his eyes, I know it’ll be painful for both Emo and me.
Emo’s bent over with his hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath. When he straightens his back, his eyes meet mine. He also knows tonight will be worse than normal. Mr. Masters is mean all the time, but when he becomes angry, he reminds me of the devil.
My stomach clenches when I realize I’ve just made things worse for Emo. I didn’t want to make it worse. I just wanted Mr. Masters to take his hands off him. As the oldest of my three brothers and little sister, Rella, it’s my job to protect them.
I try to convey my regret to Emo through my eyes. It’s barely noticeable, but I see the slight nod. He’d never blame me, but I still feel guilt.
A sick feeling forms in my stomach as we’re marched inside by our parents. I stopped begging Mom and Dad to help me years ago, and I don’t do it now either. Besides, there’s no way I would let Emo go through whatever evil thing Mr. Masters has planned alone.
I did this to protect Emo, and I’ll continue to protect him and my other brothers and sister until the very end. No matter the consequences.
Chapter Eight
JUDGE
SITTING ON THE COUCH, my eyes mostly on Maisy, I watch as she plays a game called Minecraft. It’s a strange game that seems to have gone back in technology rather than forward. The characters are all block. So are the trees, the dirt, the farm animals, and there’s even green block zombies that explode and kill you if you get too close. I think Maisy called them Creepers. So peculiar.
I’m not complaining though, because it gives me the opportunity to watch Maisy without looking like I’m some weirdo. She’s on the floor with her back against the coffee table, her thick, curly brown hair put up into a ponytail. I have a profile view of her, and I can’t help but smile every time she sticks her tongue out the side of her mouth in concentration. She’s a cute kid. And smart.
She looks better today. The paleness in her cheeks doesn’t seem as pronounced, and the slowness I’ve noticed in her movements has improved. According to Ellie, she’s having a good day, something that doesn’t come as often as it used to.
It’s been two days since I took the required tests, and we should be hearing back from the doctor anytime. I’ve prayed more in the last two days than I ever have in my life. It’s a bitch to feel so powerless against something that means the world to you. And Maisy does. In the short time I’ve known about her, I’ve come to care deeply for her.