On Your Knees

by Liz Bradford

  They sat there for a few moments before Ella said, “How about that popcorn? It smells good.”

  “I agree.” He stood up and Ella followed. She rubbed her arms. “You cold?”

  “A little, it’s that time of year I need to start taking a sweater wherever I go.”

  “Want a sweatshirt?”

  She shrugged only one shoulder. “Sure.”

  He went back to his room and grabbed one of his favorite hoodies. He handed to her where she had settled on the couch.

  “You want to watch a movie?”

  She pulled the over-sized sweatshirt on. “No, I’d rather talk.”

  Oh, no… He could tell by the way her eyes had narrowed ever so slightly that she had something serious on her mind. And that seemed to always mean him talking about something that he wasn’t sure about diving into. Not that he didn’t trust her with his heart, but it was hard stuff that he didn’t really want to deal with. He’d rather just ignore it.

  “What’s on your mind?” He sat down facing her on the couch.

  She scooted a little closer to him and took his hand in hers. “You said at the range that you’ve had to shoot two people. I can’t even imagine how that would be. It must be so hard. Would you mind telling me what happened?”

  He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Well, the first time I had to kill someone was when Becca was taken. The guy that had taken her had knocked Jared to the ground from behind and was about to kill him.”

  “You had no choice but to protect your friend.”

  He rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb. “Yeah. Doesn’t make it easy to take a life. But I didn’t think twice about it. It was him or Jared. The other time was the guy that killed Rick…” He swallowed past the lump in his throat. He looked down at her hands where they held his and then looked back up into her eyes. “I wish… well, I didn’t have a choice, he was shooting at us. I just wish I had gotten him before he got Rick.”

  “I know. You feel guilty for killing them? I see it in your face.”

  He looked down again and shook his head. “I ended someone’s life, Ella. It haunts me. No matter how evil they were or how much I wanted to kill them for what they had done to people I cared about, I still hate the idea that their lives ended as a result of my pulling the trigger.”

  “But you were doing your job, you were doing what was necessary.”

  “I know. And that’s why I was cleared for duty. No wrongdoing found. Justified shootings they call them. And given the opportunity to go back and redo it, in both situations, I’d do the exact same thing, but… I still don’t like that I had to. Does that make sense?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Do you think God sees it like the courts did? Was I justified in His eyes to take the lives of those men?” He looked up at her face.

  She tilted her head to the side. “I do think He would see it that way. I think you should talk to Him about it, let Him take the weight you feel.”

  “Yeah, maybe I will.” He reached forward and grabbed the cokes off the coffee table and handed one to Ella. She leaned forward and grabbed the popcorn. When she leaned back, she turned to lean up against him, and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. They sat and snuggled while they munched on the snack.

  He continued to mull over the idea of taking his burdens to God. What would it look like to lay them down at the foot of the cross? Could he really find peace from these things that plagued his heart? He wanted to believe that it was possible. He wanted peace. But would Christ really want his mess? Not only did he have the weight of taking two lives, no matter how ‘justified’ it was, it didn’t sit well in his stomach, but he also had really messed up a lot in life. Ella seemed so forgiving of his short comings, but could God forgive him? Every day he felt less able to handle the burdens of life on his own, but part of him thought he just needed to pull himself together and get over it. But according to Ella, and Caleb, and Becca, that would never cut it. They all said he needed Christ.

  The words to the hymn Ella had just sung echoed in his mind.

  Marvelous grace of our loving Lord, Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt,

  Yonder on Calvary’s mount outpoured, there where the blood of the Lamb was spilt.

  Grace, grace, God’s grace, Grace that will pardon and cleanse within;

  Grace, grace God’s grace, Grace that is greater than all our sin.

  Was God’s grace really great enough to cover his sin? He believed that Jesus had died and that He rose again, but believing it wasn’t enough, he knew that. Even the demons believed it. But could he own it? Could He let Christ into his life? Could he let someone else be the Lord of his heart?

  Adam took a seat next to Becca as the first service began. They had a plan in place, and Ella should be safe. Jared was hanging out in the back while Ella was on stage. Even though the band normally went backstage after playing before coming in to find their seats, Ella would not. She would come right off the stage and sit with him. Between services was going to be the time they would need to be most vigilant, but they would all stay close to Ella and be on the lookout for anyone that seemed nefarious or out of place. It did seem a little silly to be so overly cautious at a church, but after what happened to Becca, not one of them was going to take a chance. He wasn’t the only one that cared about Ella and that made him happy.

  The songs started, and they stood again. Ella joined the worship leader in singing, her beautiful harmony adding richness to the song. Music had always been a component in his life and as the words to the songs he didn’t know were on the screen and sung by the people around him, he took it all in. Through the songs that Voice that had been beckoning him for weeks seemed to call a little louder than before. He didn’t know how to respond to it though. He looked around, Becca raised her hands as did a few others. Some just sang, others bowed their heads, a few stood stoic. He looked up at Ella where she stood on stage. The epitome of beauty, the girl who was normally so reserved with her emotions worshiped with all her being. With one hand raised all the way to heaven, her whole body seemed to feel the music and express the intensity of her emotions. His eyes fell on Caleb playing the drums, the same expression of joy and gratitude that was on Ella’s face was on his as well.

  The next song began, and those around him followed Ella in clapping. He joined in, not sure of what else to do. For the first time he realized how genuine his friends’ faith really was. They all loved God, and it wasn’t just here on a Sunday morning at church that they lived it out. It was every day during the week. The way they interacted with people. The way they coped with life’s troubles. It was all firmly rooted in their relationship with Christ.

  A burning sensation ignited in his stomach. A feeling he wasn’t used to. Was he actually jealous of what his friends had? A little bit. He shifted his weight from foot to foot. He was not comfortable with this feeling. But he didn’t know what to do about it.

  The music quieted, and the worship leader prayed. Adam bowed his head and closed his eyes just like he was taught to do as a boy. This church was so different from the one he grew up in though. That stiff, emotionless church was a far cry from this place where you could actually feel the presence of God moving. That was what he felt, wasn’t it? Somehow, he knew that was it.

  Everything grew silent. A few strums of an acoustic guitar filled the void followed by Ella’s voice.

  Marvelous grace of our loving Lord, Grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt…

  The very song she had sung yesterday. It once again beckoned him to acknowledge God’s grace. But could that grace really be for him as well. Surely, his walking away from Christ as a teen and proceeding to live in a way that he knew displeased the Lord was too much.

  Grace, grace God’s grace, Grace that is greater than all our sin.

  He bit his lower lip. Part of him just wanted to run from the room, run away from everything. The emotions that were churning inside him. The past. His own selfishness. The
fear in his heart that he could possibly lose Ella. The weight of life. But he couldn’t move. His feet were cemented to the floor. Something or Someone wouldn’t let him leave.

  He sat with the rest of the congregation as the pastor came on the stage. Ella came down and sat with him. She smiled at him and slid her hand into his. The resounding echo of the hymn Ella had sung was so loud in his head that he didn’t feel the usual flutter in his heart from Ella’s touch. He just gripped her hand tightly, and the pastor started his sermon about God’s grace.

  Chapter 20

  “Amelia!” Ella said under her breath as soon as the guys walked outside to shoot a few hoops.

  Amelia took the plates from Ella’s hands and set them in the sink. “What?”

  “Did you see the look on Adam’s face during worship?”

  “You know I couldn’t from up at the sound board.” Amelia leaned forward to hear more.

  “I’m not even sure how to describe it. But God was working on him. I could just tell.” Ella couldn’t contain her excitement any longer. She had managed to since she noticed Adam wrestling with the words they were singing during first service. Her heart felt like it was going to burst right out from her chest.

  “Oh, Ella. That’s awesome. Caleb said they had a really good talk on Wednesday when they all went out to play basketball at Becca’s the other night. He’s so close. I really believe it.”

  “Me too.”

  The ladies fell quiet, and they finished clearing the table after Sunday lunch. Ella put the leftovers in the fridge and turned back to where Amelia was putting the dishes in the dishwasher.

  “You know what I did notice at church?” Amelia raised her eyebrows.

  “What?”

  “You automatically holding Adam’s hand as if you two were an item.”

  Ella’s cheeks grew warm. “So?”

  Amelia laughed. “I just find it amusing, two weeks ago you’d barely touch him. Three weeks ago, you weren’t even sure you wanted to hang out with him alone. Yet here you are, barely able to be separated at all. I see the way you look at each other. Is this moving too fast?”

  Ella’s stomach dropped, and her smile vanished. “I don’t know, is it? I don’t want to move too fast, but it’s felt so natural.”

  “Oh, hun. I’m not trying to accuse you of moving it too fast; I’m just checking in with you to make sure you’re okay.”

  The air released from her lungs. “Okay. I’m so clueless when it comes to relationships. I don’t want to do anything wrong.”

  “Ella, there’s no right way or wrong way to maneuver through a relationship. There’s no set speed to go at. Just be careful.”

  “I know.”

  “You two are so good for each other. You definitely bring out the best in each other, and I think that’s awesome.”

  Ella smiled and bit her lip. “Thanks. Amelia, would you sit with me and pray for a bit?”

  “Of course.”

  “I want to pray for Adam and our relationship too. But mostly for Adam to come to know Christ. I feel this relationship moving forward but I don’t want to be ‘unequally yoked.’ I want us to be on the same page spiritually, and I really don’t want to get in his way of knowing Christ.”

  “I know. Let’s go sit at the dining room table.”

  “Good spot.”

  “You’re just saying that because you’ll be able to see Adam out the window.”

  She raised her palms up and looked up in an attempt to feign innocence, but her cheeks warmed again. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “Ha. Right.” Her friend shook her head and lifted her glass of sweet tea. “This can help cool those red cheeks.”

  Ella gigged and took a seat at the table where she had a clear view of Adam and Caleb playing one on one basketball in the driveway in their jeans and t-shirts, the button-ups they wore to church discarded. She pulled her feet up into the chair, and Amelia sat down next to her.

  Amelia’s eyebrows rose. “This is a good view.”

  Both women laughed.

  Ella folded her hands in her lap. The laughter faded. “Dearest Jesus,” she prayed.

  The emotions were catching up with Adam. But maybe it was just the intensity of the game he was playing with Caleb. He darted around Caleb and put up the layup. He missed. He almost never missed that shot. He leaned over with his hands on his knees, and Caleb retrieved the ball.

  “You okay, man?”

  Adam took in a few shaky breaths. “I don’t know.” He let another breath out through his mouth.

  “What’s going on?”

  He opened his mouth to talk, but nothing came out. He scrunched his face and tried to find the words that he was looking for. “I can’t do it anymore, Caleb?”

  “What basketball?”

  He looked up at his normally astute friend to find a teasing smile. Adam shook his head. He straightened back up and took the ball Caleb tossed back to him. “No, I can’t do any of this on my own. The pastor’s sermon this morning really hit home. God’s grace, for the first time in my life, actually makes sense. It’s a gift, freely given, even though we don’t deserve it. I never understood that before.”

  “Pretty powerful, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, seems too good to be true.” Adam spun the basketball between his hands. “Would God really give His grace to me? This poor excuse for a man. A man that betrayed his closest friend and threw her to the lions. A man who walked away from God because he was afraid of being labeled a hypocrite. One who’s killed? Someone who’s slept with… too many women… who’s run to a bottle of liquor instead of Him? One who’s fearful of tomorrow? Would God really give His grace to me?”

  “Absolutely. If God can give his grace to me, Adam, he can give it to you. I’ve told you my story before. I’ve lied. I’ve cheated. Heck, I’ve murdered. There is no limit to God’s grace. It’s free to anyone who will humble themselves before Him and accept it.”

  Adam set the basketball on the grass, and moisture filled his eyes. “But how? How do I go from that man that I was to who He wants me to be?”

  “Just call out to Him, Adam. Just say His name. Talk to Him. Remember that verse we talked about a few weeks ago. ‘He gives grace to the humble’?”

  Adam nodded, and the tears escaped the captivity of his eyes.

  “Just humble yourself before Him, Adam.”

  He swallowed past the lump forming in his throat. His body felt like it was collapsing beneath him. Humble yourself. He fell to his knees. “Jesus…” his voice shook as he uttered the name of the only One who could save him from himself, from his life of self-destruction. The only One who could save him from his sins. The only One who could give him peace. “Jesus, here I am.”

  Adam felt Caleb kneel down beside him and place his hand on Adam’s shoulder. Adam prayed for Christ to come in and take control of his life. He prayed for forgiveness of his sins and for wholeness.

  An old hymn that Adam had learned as a boy came to his mind,

  What can wash away my sin, nothin’ but the blood of Jesus

  What can make me whole again, nothin’ but the blood of Jesus

  Oh, precious is the flow, that makes me white as snow

  No other fount I know, nothin’ but the blood of Jesus, nothin’ but the blood of Jesus.

  The Voice, the Presence that Adam had been avoiding and ignoring for almost twenty years embraced him. The God of the universe filled him with His Spirit. The peace that Adam had been searching for in women and liquor finally filled his being in a way that he never expected. Jesus was the answer. The only answer.

  Chapter 21

  Ella opened her eyes and looked at the guys outside. Her heart stopped. She reached over and grabbed Amelia’s arm. The words Amelia had been praying came to an abrupt halt. Adam and Caleb were both on their knees, and even from where she sat, Ella could see that Adam was crying. Tears rushed to Ella’s eyes at the sight.

  “Oh, sweet Jesus, thank you!
” Amelia said.

  Ella couldn’t speak. The boy she had been praying for since the day she accepted Jesus as her Savior at the age of seven had finally embrace his Redeemer. Her jaw trembled, and tears tumbled out of her eyes and down her cheeks. She looked at Amelia whose eyes also glistened with tears. The women embraced.

  Ella pulled back, sure she had a stupid grin on her face. “Amelia! I can’t believe it! Do you really think… is he really…?”

  “I think so. I could scream!”

  “Me too!” They laughed. “It’s all I can do to hold myself here.”

  “I know, but we need to wait until they come in.”

  “I know… but Ah!”

  “Let’s keep praying.”

  “Definitely.” Ella tried to settle herself, and Amelia prayed.

  “Thank you, Jesus, for what you’re doing in Adam’s heart. We ask that you keep moving in him, drawing him closer and closer to your heart.”

  They kept praying until they heard the side door by the kitchen open.

  Ella jumped out of her seat but held herself back until she saw Adam’s face. She took a few steps toward him, and he approached her.

  “So, guess what?” Adam said. “I did it. I accepted Christ!”

  Hearing him say it made her heart explode with joy. She ran the rest of the way to him and threw her arms around his neck. “Oh, Adam, that’s awesome!” she whispered in his ear. His arms encompassed her, and he lifted her off the ground. He set her down, and she pulled him out to arm’s length. “I have been praying for you and this moment almost daily for the past twenty-five years.”

  His eyes widened. “Really?”

  “Oh, yeah.” She nodded and hugged him again.

  “Hey, my turn.” Amelia tapped Ella on the shoulder.

  They laughed. Ella reluctantly pulled herself away from Adam and let Amelia hug him, too.

  “Time to celebrate.” Amelia pulled away from the hug. “Adam, you pick what we have for dinner. We need to celebrate!”