by Natasha West
Izzy had a decision to make. She could run right now. She could go home, pretend this had never happened. They’d probably never speak of it again and in time, it would start to feel like some weird dream. Soon enough, Izzy would forget. If she walked out of this room, she could make a start on all that.
But Izzy couldn’t seem to make her legs carry her out of the room.
‘What are you waiting for?’ Alicia asked. ‘I thought you were going home.’
‘I am. In a minute’ Izzy said, still stood by the door, trying to figure out what was stopping her from leaving.
But she knew. Deep down, she knew. It was always going to come to this, wasn’t it? Alicia had always mattered to her in a way Ben couldn’t. Izzy had always told herself that the way she thought of Alicia, the way she worshipped her, was simple admiration. That Alicia had qualities that Izzy aspired to.
But now they’d kissed, and Izzy couldn’t keep lying to herself. She loved Alicia. She always had.
She sighed, a small noise, the noise of letting something go. She walked over and sat back down on the edge of the bed.
Alicia didn’t look at her. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Staying until they chuck us out. And then I want to get a kebab at that place down the road. Oh, did you want to stay at mine tonight?’ Izzy asked, just to keep talking, to say some words that made a sentence. She was amazed she could manage it, dizzy as she was with the evolution taking place inside her.
She heard Alicia slide forward, joining her on the edge of the bed. ‘Is that what you want to do?’
‘I don’t know what I want to do’ Izzy said honestly.
‘I just wanted to hang out with you. I wasn’t trying to…’ Alicia stopped and breathed deeply, gathering herself. ‘I wasn’t trying to make this happen.’
‘This?’
‘Kissing you’ Alicia said, looking at the floor.
‘But you did. You kissed me’ Izzy replied, not sure what Alicia meant.
‘I’m just saying, I wasn’t trying to trick you into it. It just happened’ Alicia explained.
Izzy turned, her heart banging in her chest as she looked directly at Alicia for the first time since the kiss. ‘Why?’
‘Why what?’
‘Don’t mess around, you know what I’m asking.’
Alicia smiled and shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I guess I’ve been thinking about it for a while.’
For Izzy, this information did not even begin to compute. ‘You’ve… You’ve thought about me? Like that?’
‘Why are you so shocked?’
‘Because you have a different boyfriend every week.’
Alicia let out a deep inhalation. ‘I guess. But they don’t make me laugh and they’re not clever or weird. Not like you’ Alicia said with a side look to Izzy.
‘Are you trying to say you’re, you know…’ Izzy started, not sure what word she was trying to find. Or maybe she did. But it was such a big word, too big. It wouldn’t come out of her mouth.
‘Look, it’s not like I don’t like boys. I just… I dunno. I guess I just like you too’ Alicia said, swallowing.
Izzy’s head felt about ready to fall off. Just a few minutes ago, they’d been friends, laughing, being silly. And now Izzy was looking right down the barrel of something else. With Alicia, of all people. It made sense and it was insane. It was the only thing that could have happened, and it was the last thing she’d expected. It was right and it was wrong. It was scary, and it was so, so tempting.
‘Can I kiss you again?’ Izzy heard herself ask.
Alicia looked at her with a slow, small smile. She leaned forward, far less tentative than before, rushing toward Izzy. Izzy met Alicia’s lips and it was nothing like Ben. She wasn’t anywhere else tonight. She’d never been more present in a moment. She was kissing Alicia.
They rolled back onto the bed and Alicia slipped on top of her. She was so light, so delicate. She smelled like heaven. She was holding tightly onto Izzy’s face as she slipped her tongue into her mouth. Izzy tried to be quiet, not wanting to be heard, a small ‘Mmm’ slipping out anyway. She began to pull at Alicia’s t-shirt and Alicia immediately helped her out, slipping it off. Alicia slipped Izzy’s top off and then the rest of their clothes followed soon after. They were skin to skin.
Alicia’s hands were all over Izzy as they kissed each other. One hand moved down. Izzy’s legs parted automatically. Alicia touched her, deep. Izzy felt a sensation she’d felt a few times before, alone. But tonight it was amplified, as she felt that delicate hand caress her at an ever-quickening pace. Izzy felt something rise in her body, like the roll of a wave, and as Alicia brushed her lips against her neck, a loud moan rose up and fell from Izzy’s mouth as the wave crashed down.
Alicia took her hand away and Izzy swapped for her own, pressing down into Alicia, feeling her soft wetness. Alicia’s head went back, and Izzy moved her hand, watching Alicia’s eyes roll. Soon enough, Alicia gave a sharp cry. Izzy took her hand away and Alicia rolled over, falling onto her back.
They lay there a moment, trying to catch their respective breaths. Izzy felt a serenity, a calm. It had happened. After all the worry and all the planning, all the neuroses and the shame, the feelings of failure, it had happened. She was no longer a virgin. And it was good. Becky Jackson had been wrong about that.
***
Izzy and Alicia were getting dressed. The party was still going on downstairs. Izzy was shocked no one had walked in on them. She had pushed that worry to the back of her mind while things were happening, but now her clothes were back on, she felt grateful that this had remained private.
She glanced at Alicia, looking in a big mirror at the other end of the room, smoothing her long dark hair down, running her hands through the sweaty tangles until she looked put together again. Alicia was no slouch on an ordinary day but looking at her now, after everything, Izzy had never seen a more beautiful sight.
Alicia turned from the mirror. ‘You still want that kebab?’ she said with a smile and walked to the door.
‘Oh’ Izzy replied in surprise. ‘I guess I could eat’ she decided.
She followed Alicia downstairs and they walked through the house, the party winding down. Jenny and Mark were still arguing in the kitchen. Everyone else was in a state of drunk repose, slouched on sofas or collapsed on beanbags.
They left the house and walked down the quiet road together, in a comfortable silence. The kebab shop was indeed close, and Alicia ordered for the pair of them, as Izzy had never been to such an establishment. ‘Two lamb donors and chips’ Alicia told the man, an old hand at kebab-ordering.
‘Coming up’ the guy said in a thick Turkish accent.
Izzy and Alicia sat down to wait for the food. Izzy felt overcome by a strange shyness. Not long ago, they’d been naked. But now they were going to have to talk about that. Izzy wanted to say things, a lot of things. But she couldn’t find the right words. The consequences of tonight felt enormous and unwieldy. She couldn’t begin to comprehend what it all meant for the future, for who Izzy was.
But there was something simpler that was happening right now. She was in love with Alicia and they’d just done the most intimate thing she could imagine. Everything was scary, yes, but it also felt like something was opening up inside her. The world, so far away last night, was suddenly at her fingertips. It was all right there, sitting on the other side of the table, waiting for a kebab.
‘Licia…’ Izzy began, unsure what she wanted to say.
Alicia looked at her. ‘Yeah?’
‘I-’
‘Two donors and chips’ the guy called, and Alicia got up to collect them, bringing them back, a chip already in her mouth as she sat down.
Izzy had nearly gotten up the nerve to speak until the bloody kebab man had broken the moment and now her nerve felt lost. Whatever she’d been going to say, she didn’t think she could anymore. She could only look at her kebab.
After a while, Alicia broke the silence. ‘So
, I was thinking…’
Izzy waited and hoped.
‘…. I wouldn’t like Ben to hear about this.’
‘Ben?’ Izzy repeated. To hear his name spoken now jarred her.
‘Yeah. I mean, I wouldn’t tell him about this.’
Izzy was confused. Ben was a nice guy and she was sure that she was going to feel guilty about him soon. She’d cheated on him, after all. But she’d wanted to delay all that. She’d wanted to stay in this beautiful bubble a second longer. But Alicia had popped it. ‘No, well, no, I probably won’t tell him about us…’ she started to say. The rest of the sentence forming in her mind was something to the affect that when she broke up with him, which she supposed she would have to do now, she’d keep it vague. She’d say something about maybe her feelings changing. It wasn’t a lie as such. Her feelings had changed. Or been unveiled, more accurately.
‘Good’ Alicia went on. ‘Because you guys are cute together and I wouldn’t want him to be hurt.’
Izzy’s lips parted in surprise. ‘Cute together?’
‘Yeah. I know he didn’t exactly set your knickers on fire last night but he’s nice to you. If he found out about this, he might get the wrong idea.’
‘What wrong idea?’ Izzy asked, her horror growing.
‘That this is a thing. I mean, it was nice, Iz’ Alicia said, eating a chip and taking Izzy’s hand gently. ‘But it was just a one-off thing, wasn’t it?’
Izzy felt herself nod, like a puppet with its strings about to be snipped.
‘Cool’ Alicia said, chewing kebab meat. ‘God, this needs chilli sauce’ she said, letting go of her hand and reaching for the sauce. She squirted it on her food as Izzy watched. The casualness of the action made her heart feel like someone had taken a sledgehammer to it. Whatever she’d thought this was, she’d gotten it wrong. Alicia didn’t love her. She’d just been messing around.
‘So you won’t tell him, then?’ Alicia asked.
‘No’ Izzy said, trying not to cry. ‘I won’t tell him.’
Alicia smiled and ate her food. After a moment, Izzy found the will to start putting food into her own mouth. It tasted like crap.
Present Day
Seven
Simon was aghast. ‘You didn’t!’
‘I did’ Izzy breathed.
‘You. You, Isabel Mortimer, lost your virginity at a party. At Eighteen.’
‘You make it sound sordid’ Izzy said.
‘That’s because it is. I’m impressed’ Simon said, grinning to himself. ‘I always thought you were one of those girls who probably kept the lock on their chastity belt ‘til, like, twenty-five.’
Izzy raised an eyebrow. ‘It’s kind of weird that you’ve given any thought to your sister’s chastity at all. Or lack thereof.’
‘I’ve never dwelled on it. But you’re such a buttoned up, fussy perfectionist, it just followed that you’d be an old virgin.’
‘Jesus, Simon, don’t pull any punches, will you?’
Simon rolled his eyes. ‘You know I love you, Iz. But you’ve got to admit, you like things a certain way.’
Izzy wasn’t interested in a dissection of her personality, warts and all. Not right now. She was about to get married. The last thing she needed was to think about everything that was wrong with her, all the landmines that she could potentially stand on and blow up her marriage. ‘Yeah, well, no one knows you less than your family, do they?’
Simon grinned. ‘Hey, you wanna hear about how I popped mine?’
‘Please don’t take offence but god no.’
Simon tutted. ‘It’s good though.’ He went quiet for a second. ‘So what did you do about Ben?’
‘I kept being his girlfriend’ Izzy admitted.
‘Really?’ Simon asked. ‘Even after you got your socks rocked by Alicia?’
‘Yeah. I was pretty hurt by all that. Ben was the consolation prize.’
‘And did you ever…’ Simon waggled his eyebrows. ‘With him?’
‘Nope’ Izzy said flatly. ‘Just stuck to heavy petting until it was time to leave school. And then things reached a natural conclusion.’
‘I bet he wasn’t happy with that.’
‘I don’t think he was, but he never complained.’
‘So you just went right back into the closet then?’ Simon goggled.
‘I wouldn’t say that. I mean, I wasn’t really out of it. I just went from not thinking about being gay to thinking about it and not saying it instead.’
‘And Alicia…’
‘We didn’t talk about it after the kebab shop’ Izzy breathed. ‘Little by little, we stopped hanging out. It was just too weird after we slept together and we couldn’t talk about why so that was that, friendship ruined. And then we graduated.’
‘Did Mum and Dad know?’
Izzy laughed.
‘Yeah, sorry, stupid question. No point telling them two anything, they’d just make it about them’ Simon said with a trace of bitterness. ‘But you did come out, though, didn’t you? I remember it, when you came home. That weekend. It was… When was it?’
Izzy didn’t have to think to recall the date of that renowned weekend. ‘2009.’
‘It took you three whole years to decide to come out?’ Simon asked.
Izzy huffed. ‘I didn’t exactly have a lot of choice in it, did I?’
Simon’s eyes narrowed. ‘What do you mean? Why not?’
Izzy’s eyes widened. ‘Are you telling me you don’t remember what you did!?’
2009:
‘I’ll just come in for a minute.’
Eight
‘How long does it take to flirt with a boy?’ Izzy muttered to herself. ‘You laugh at one crap joke and you’re done’ she grumbled as she watched her friend Gabby talking to the big blonde guy on the volleyball booth at the fresher’s fair.
Neither she nor Gabby were actually freshers, they were deep into the second year of a media degree at Medford University. But Gabby had insisted they come for the freebies, not to mention the fresh meat. Izzy was bored stiff but this was Gabby, always looking for Mr Right. So far, she’d found only Mr Fine and Mr OK and Mr You’ll Do For Now. But she never gave up hope.
Izzy admired her ability to throw herself into the thick of dating. Izzy herself had bought a diary as soon as she got to uni and so far, she had nothing to tell it. A whole year had passed without Izzy adding any names to her dance card. She hadn’t quite managed to tell anyone why yet, not even Gabby. She wanted to, Gabby would probably be fine about it, but she couldn’t seem to take the plunge. Knowing you were ‘That way’ was one thing. Being it was another.
Gabby was giving no signs of finishing up with her volleyball player, so Izzy decided to keep wandering. ‘Catch up with you later’ she said to Gabby.
‘Sure’ Gabby said, never taking her eyes off the prize.
Izzy wandered past the film society, the cheerleaders, the young liberals. And then she saw another booth. LGBTQ was written in big rainbow coloured letters on the banner. She stopped short. But she made no move toward it, just watched people go up, like it was nothing, putting their names down on a clipboard.
‘Hey’ called the girl on the booth with a very short hairdo. ‘You coming over?’
Izzy felt like a cornered animal. ‘Who, me?’ she asked.
‘Yeah. You.’
Did the girl know? Was this how gaydar worked? Izzy hadn’t a clue, she didn’t have it, but it scared the hell out of her that someone else might be able to read her.
Then again, maybe it wasn’t the worst thing to get spotted like this. Maybe it was what she needed. Because now she was at university, there was no reason to keep holding herself back. She could be herself, whatever that meant. But she was sure that it included one thing. She wanted a girlfriend. She wanted to have sex with that girlfriend. She wanted to hold hands and fall in love and everything Gabby did constantly.
Izzy looked around, but no one was watching her. No one cared. She walked over to the bo
oth, like a new-born foal, shaky on her legs.
‘I’m Max’ the girl said, shoving a hand out. Izzy took it and received a firm handshake. ‘So, you interested in joining?’
Izzy gave a non-committal shrug.
‘Well, we’re doing a mixer tonight at the union, if you want to come and find out if you’re into it’ Max said.
‘Yeah?’ Izzy said, trying to seem cool. But she was knocked sideways. This Max girl, she was amazing. She was just so butch, it was brilliant! She didn’t give a shit if anyone knew she was gay. Izzy would have given anything to have that nerve. She’d never seen someone so out at home.