by Natasha West
‘Yes. All the years come, have a drink, talk to each other’ Max continued. ‘It’s a good way to make friends. I mean, I’m sure you have friends on your course and everything, but if you’re looking to find where the non-straight people gather, I’d start there.’
Izzy giggled nervously. ‘OK, then. Maybe I will.’
‘Cool’ Max said and then she saw a guy having a look at the sign-up sheet and she turned her attention to him. Izzy wandered off, nervous, excited, but ready. She was a new woman. She was Izzy Mortimer, full time lesbian! She was going to a gay mixer!
Nine
Izzy stood at the edge of the bar, holding a drink with an umbrella. There was no liquid left in the glass but holding it gave her something to do. She was miserable. She’d been here half an hour and she hadn’t spoken to a single soul. She could see them all, those cool people with easy banter, talking to each other. Apparently, moving to a new city had changed nothing. Because she’d bought herself with her, hadn’t she? She was Izzy Mortimer. She’d always be Izzy Mortimer.
This was pointless. She put down the glass and stepped toward the exit, determined to go back to her room, get into bed and read.
And then she saw a girl in the corner, standing alone, like her. She wore glasses, a heavy fringe hanging over the frames, hiding her body in a big t-shirt. She was all but invisible in the middle of the bar. Izzy felt nothing but pity for the girl. She had an urge to go over to her, tell her to cut her losses. Because she’d never be cool, never be noticed, never get anything she wanted out of this night.
As Izzy walked past, meaning to leave, the girl saw her. She gave a little wave. Izzy waved back. The girl started to walk toward her. Izzy froze. She hadn’t meant for this to happen. She was going to go. She didn’t want to meet this wallflower.
‘Hi’ the girl said. ‘I saw you… You looked alone.’
Izzy shrugged and smiled nervously. ‘Yeah.’
The girl looked around. ‘They’re all a bit…’
‘Yes’ Izzy breathed. ‘They are.’
‘I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t have come.’
‘Me too’ Izzy admitted.
The girl looked at Izzy, regarding her. ‘I’m surprised you’re not getting chatted up.’
‘Why’s that?’ Izzy asked.
‘Well, you’re… Sorry, it doesn’t matter’ the girl said, backing out of her sentence. ‘Sorry, I’m not trying to…’
Izzy was confused. ‘Not trying to what?’
The girl didn’t seem to hear. ‘I mean, as if, right?’ She laughed anxiously and took a sip from her drink.
Izzy felt like she’d come into this conversation in the middle. ‘As if…?’
‘Lord, is it hot in here?!’ the girl said, avoiding eye contact.
Izzy was starting to think there was something worse than being alone. This girl, she was a bit much. Izzy started to think of what excuse she could make to leave but then the girl said, ‘I’m Sophie, by the way.’
Izzy nodded politely. ‘I’m Izzy. Well, it’s been nice to meet you…’
‘Can I get you another one of those?’ Sophie asked quickly, clearly not great at picking up social cues.
Izzy considered. She didn’t really want to get stuck talking to Sophie ad infinitum. The girl was all over the place. Izzy had a feeling she was going to tip over the edge and take Izzy with her. But there was something about her that was hard to say no to. She seemed too delicate. ‘Alright. Thank you.’
Sophie ran off to the bar and came back with drinks a moment later. Izzy accepted hers and took a deep, long swig. She wasn’t really sure what to do when she took the glass away from her lips. She supposed she should make conversation. That was why Sophie had bought Izzy the drink. Because it locked her in, bought her some chit chat. Izzy didn’t know much, but she knew that.
‘So what do you study?’ Izzy asked, the usual question.
‘Geology’ Sophie answered quickly.
‘Oh?’ Izzy said in mild surprise. She didn’t know what she’d expected but the study of rocks and dirt was not it.
‘Yeah. I don’t know. I just love the idea of understanding what makes the world up. Millions of years of history, sitting in the palm of your hand. What was here before and what’ll be here long after I’m gone.’
OK, that had made it sound kind of deep. Maybe Sophie wasn’t so bad.
‘What about you?’ Sophie asked.
‘I’m doing media’ Izzy answered apologetically. Her parents had tried to talk her out of it, telling her that everyone and their uncle wanted media jobs, that she was setting herself up for a life of rejection and failure. But Izzy had taken the subject in school and fallen in love with it. Radio was her thing. People said it was going by way of the dodo. But Izzy didn’t think so. She liked the purity of a story told directly into your ear. So despite her mother’s advice to be a chemist (‘Everyone needs medicine, for everything from athlete’s foot to sadness’) and her father’s idea that she should go into business, (‘a girl like you, personable and smart, you could sell ice to the eskimo’s) she was here to make radio, spending all her time hanging around the uni’s studio. She helped with research, editing, anything that wasn’t the talking bit. That wasn’t for her. She was a behind the scenes type.
So far, her parents remained unimpressed with her passion. But Sophie wasn’t so jaded. ‘Wow’ Sophie exclaimed. ‘Gosh, yes, media. That’s very cool.’
Izzy shrugged nonchalantly but secretly, she was pleased. Sophie was about the only person on the planet impressed by her degree choice and it felt good to get a shot of approval.
‘So what are you, exactly?’ Sophie asked.
Izzy had no idea what she was being asked, ‘Umm…’
‘I mean, you came tonight, to all this’ she said, gesturing at the bar, getting rowdier by the second. Nearby, two boys were doing close examination of each other’s tonsils.
‘Oh, you’re asking…’ Izzy started, and then stiffened. Because she’d never said it. That word. What she’d learned that night with Alicia couldn’t be unlearned. But still, she hadn’t said it.
‘Because I don’t know myself’ Sophie said, letting Izzy off the hook. ‘Because people say, don’t they? How do you know ‘til you’ve tried? And the thing is, I’ve never actually had the chance to… I come from a small town. Less than a thousand people. So, err… I mean, then I came here and I thought, yes, this is it. But…’ Sophie trailed off.
Izzy felt bad for Sophie. It was only by the grace of a drunken party that she was any more experienced, so she didn’t exactly feel like the big girl in that department. ‘What made you think, though, that maybe, you might be… That you might be?’ Izzy finished. She still couldn’t quite push any of those words out. Even if they weren’t about her.
‘I had a friend’ Sophie started, and Izzy knew the story before she even told it. The best friend, the feelings, the lack of reciprocation. It was her own story, after all. The only difference was that Sophie hadn’t gotten as far. Izzy didn’t know if she was any better for having that sexual experience, seeing how it had turned out for her.
As she listened to Sophie spilling it all, quite comfortable to tell Izzy her life despite them only having just met, Izzy realised she was doing it after all. She was at the LGBTQ mixer and she was talking to a girl. Maybe not the girl she might have wanted to. There were any number of intriguing creatures Izzy might have picked ahead of Sophie tonight. But this, it was something. And who knew, maybe they’d be friends? Maybe Sophie wasn’t really very cool or anything, but everyone needed to start somewhere.
***
‘Alright. Just one more drink’ Izzy said, hearing a slur in her voice. She felt a bit sick. These cocktails, they were too cheap and too strong. Sophie was virtually pouring them down her throat. The last time she’d allowed herself to be fed booze… Well, it probably wasn’t a good idea to dwell on that little incident tonight. But what the hell was she drinking, rat poison and coke?
&n
bsp; ‘Great. One more drink’ Sophie grinned and dashed off, more than happy to spend her student loan on getting Izzy Mortimer thoroughly sloshed.
Ten
It turned out they were in the same halls. On the same floor, actually. They were six doors apart. So they walked back together.
As they walked, Sophie babbled about this and that. And then she went quiet for a second before saying, ‘You never said your thing.’
‘My thing?’
‘Yeah. Your story. Who was the girl?’
‘What makes you think there was a girl?’
‘Of course there was’ Sophie said, giggling.
Izzy took a second to fight down some vomit and then said, ‘Yeah, alright. There was a girl.’
By this time, they were on their floor. ‘Tell me about her’ Sophie pleaded.
‘We’re nearly at our rooms.’
‘So come in mine and tell me. You’ve been playing your cards close to your chest all night. And I told you everything’ Sophie complained.
Izzy wasn’t really sure she wanted to continue the night. The idea of lying on her bed with a bucket within reaching distance was becoming quite appealing. But Sophie had a point. Izzy was doing what she always did. Keeping it all inside. She was supposed to be growing up now, becoming some better version of herself. Someone who was into sharing and bearing her soul and all that crap they talked about on daytime telly.
‘I’ll just come in for a minute’ Izzy said. Sophie couldn’t contain her happiness, smiling very wide.
***
‘Her name was Alicia. I mean, it is Alicia. She’s not dead’ Izzy began, sitting cross legged on the single bed, facing Sophie.
‘Alicia’ Sophie repeated. ‘She sounds sexy.’
Izzy had never thought that you could tell all that much from a name, but Alicia was sexy so maybe she was wrong about that. Izzy wondered what her name sounded like. Izzy. It was a little silly, a little uptight. That seemed about right.
‘She was sexy, I guess’ Izzy admitted. ‘We were friends for a long time. Since the first day of seniors, actually.’
Sophie was on her front, leaning on her elbows, the better to listen to the bed time story. ‘Go on.’
Izzy looked down at her. ‘Well, I guess… I thought she was just my very cool friend, you know the type.’
Sophie nodded.
Izzy sighed sadly. ‘Well, I had a boyfriend and I tried to go to bed with him but it didn’t really work. And then she called, my so-called friend, all sympathy...’ Izzy shook her head at the memory. How did it still hurt this much to think of Alicia? It was ages ago now. She was supposed to be over it. She was certain Alicia was. She’d no doubt dived into the next occupied bed without a thought. ‘And then there was a party, there was a booze, there was a bed…’
‘Just like tonight’ Sophie said and then blushed. ‘Oh, sorry. I wasn’t… I didn’t mean…’
‘She used me’ Izzy said, not really paying attention to Sophie. She felt like she’d fallen into the memory, like a deep pit. She didn’t know how to begin to scramble out. Fucking Alicia.
‘She sounds awful’ Sophie said, sitting up, getting closer. Izzy still paid her no attention.
‘Yep. Awful.’
‘I bet there’s girls who’d never treat you like that’ Sophie said, gazing at Izzy rather intensely. ‘I bet there’s girls who’d do anything to be with you.’
Izzy huffed. ‘Yeah, sure there are. I went to that thing tonight and no one gave me a second glance.’
‘That’s not true’ Sophie said. ‘I looked at you.’
Izzy would have loved to take comfort from that. But she and Sophie were a loser’s club that had formed for protection, two people who were hiding from all those capable people who were no doubt getting laid even as they sat here. ‘Thanks Sophie, but-’
Before Izzy could get to the end of her sentence, Sophie’s mouth was on hers. Izzy was shocked. She’d thought she’d found a buddy. Turned out Sophie just wanted to get into her knickers. It was a plot twist she would have seen coming if she hadn’t been so sad about Alicia.
But Izzy didn’t pull away. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world, Izzy supposed as she let Sophie smack her.
After a moment, Sophie broke the kiss and said. ‘I’m sorry. I mean, if you didn’t want me to. If you did, then I’m not sorry at all.’
Izzy bit her cheek, wondering if she should let this happen. After all, Sophie wasn’t her type. She was too similar to her, just another socially inept dork who was running on false confidence supplied from cheap, bad drinks.
But it was late, Izzy was drunk, and Sophie was there. And Izzy thought, Maybe it’s a mistake. But there’s worse mistakes.
‘Could you take your glasses off?’ Izzy asked.
‘What for?’ Sophie asked, confused.
‘I need to check something’ Izzy said.
Sophie slipped them off.
‘Right, now push your hair out of your eyes.’
Sophie did so.
Izzy had a good look at Sophie. It was better than she’d realised. When you cleared the decks a bit, ignored the manic energy, Sophie was a pretty girl. She had nice green eyes. Good skin. And she smelled fresh, like a new bed.
‘Alright’ Izzy said.
‘Alright what?’ Sophie asked.
‘I don’t mind.’
Sophie grinned and lunged again. Izzy leaned in time, getting into it. It felt nice, comforting.
Before long, Sophie had pushed Izzy on her back, was trying to get her hands in her jeans. This was next level and Izzy wondered again, was this a good idea? But she hadn’t had sex since that night with Alicia and she was feeling kind of horny. Masturbating was all fine and good, but a warm body on top of hers was definitely better. She grabbed ahold of Sophie’s hand and helped her down, moaning immediately as Sophie hit the jackpot.
‘Is that good?’ Sophie asked. ‘I’ve only done this to myself and…’
‘Please stop talking’ Izzy instructed her as kindly as she could. ‘You’re doing great.’
Sophie seemed happy enough and quietened down, buckling down to the job at hand. Izzy relaxed and let herself feel it. Sophie was indeed doing a great job. Izzy barely thought about Alicia at all as she came. Barely at all.
Eleven
Izzy opened her eyes and nearly jumped out of her skin to see Sophie sat up in bed, the blanket pulled up to her neck for modesty, watching her. ‘Hi!’ Sophie exclaimed, pleased that Izzy had joined the land of the living.
‘Oh, hi’ Izzy said, sitting up in the tiny single bed, looking around her to see what had been less visible in the late hours. A small room, like her own. With one main difference. This one was filled with porcelain dolls. ‘Woah’ she breathed, taking them in.
‘Do you like my collection?’ Sophie asked proudly. ‘Some of them are worth hundreds.’
‘I bet’ Izzy said through a fake smile, wondering what the hell had happened to her jeans. She still had her top on, thank god, but her bottom half was naked.
‘I had a really nice time last night’ Sophie said, climbing out of the bed and quickly getting a fluffy pink robe on. She went over to a little travel kettle sat on a tray on top of a mini-fridge. ‘Tea or coffee?’
Izzy licked her dry lips. She felt like a husk. ‘Coffee. Strong as it comes’ she replied. She glanced down at the side of the bed to find her jeans in a pile, knickers sat on top. She got up and stepped into the knickers, gratefully sliding them up her legs.
Sophie looked over. ‘Do you take sugar?’
Izzy had the knickers on by now and was trying to get a leg into her jeans. ‘No thanks.’ She got the first leg in successfully and then, buoyed by her success, rushed into the second. She got snagged and fell over.
‘Oh my god, are you alright?’ Sophie asked, rushing over to help her up.
Izzy wasn’t fine at all. She’d hoped to meet someone last night, find a connection, get romanced. This wasn’t that. This was grubby, awkward,
weird. She was getting dressed in front of a stranger.
How could this have happened? Again? She was a planner, a perfectionist, the girl who liked to get things right. But she’d slept with the wrong person for the second time. Was this just what happened? Could you never have one perfect, special, correct moment when it came to sex? Did you always lose your head, your virginity, your trousers, your dignity?