The a to Z of Girlfriends

by Natasha West

  Izzy was instantly livid. It was dinner with her parents tonight and it had been on the calendar for weeks. Mackenzie had sworn she was going to come and that was all that had kept Izzy going. Now she was going to have to sit through the usual horror show.

  Mackenzie knew full well what they were like when she wasn’t around to keep them on their best behaviour. What on earth could have come up that was more important?

  ***

  Izzy was eating cottage pie. It tasted weird. She glanced to Simon - back for the weekend - to see him pushing potato around his plate. He looked up at her and winked. She grinned at him subtly.

  ‘Yes, well’ Joanne said, in reply to her husband’s recent comment. ‘If you just thought about it, you would have realised I didn’t ask for that. I mean, when have you ever, in our whole marriage, seen me eat wensleydale?’

  ‘God, Joanne, give it a fucking rest, would you? I’ll get cheddar tomorrow!’

  ‘Tomorrow’s too late. I’m sitting here now eating cottage pie with wensleydale cheese on it, which is way too strong. It tastes awful. You rendered two hours’ work pointless when you only had to give me a call to check’ Joanne said in her quiet yet devastating tone.

  ‘I think it’s nice’ Izzy lied and pretended to enjoy a forkful. But no one paid any mind.

  ‘You know what, if you don’t do things for yourself, you lose the right to complain. Next time buy your own bastard cheese’ Scott said, not quite shouting.

  ‘I cooked, Scott!’ Joanne said. ‘I ran out of cheese and I called you and I asked you, as you were passing the supermarket anyway, to do me the smallest favour and help me out for a change.’

  ‘Maybe you should have been more specific then.’

  ‘I was. I said cheddar. I knew you weren’t listening.’

  ‘I listen, alright. All I ever do is listen’ Scott said, shoving his plate away and standing.

  ‘Dad…’ Simon said quietly. ‘Would you sit down?’

  ‘Look’ Joanne said, ‘You’re upsetting your son. He’s back for one weekend and look what you’ve done. You couldn’t just be agreeable for one meal.’

  Scott looked to Simon. ‘Right. I’m going to the pub. Simon, you coming?’

  Simon was thrown. ‘Wha…?’

  ‘You’re a grown man now. I want you to go to the pub with me. Come on, get your coat.’

  Izzy watched Simon get to his feet miserably and follow his dad out of the house, casting a quick apologetic look to Izzy. She didn’t know whether to feel offended the offer hadn’t been extended to her or just relieved. But her dad had always liked Simon more. Izzy had long made peace with it. If she’d been born with a penis, she had no doubt it would have been different, so she didn’t take it personally.

  But she had a vagina. So that meant she was left with her mother. She turned to her to see an expected sight. Her mother was weeping into her cottage pie. ‘I don’t understand why he has to be like this?’ she muttered through her tears.

  Izzy wanted to agree and call her dad a bastard or whatever it was she suspected her mother wanted her to do. But she knew full well it was six of one and half a dozen of the other with her parents. Her dad yelled so it was always easy to see him as the bad guy. But her mother had her ways too. She was passive aggressive, sneakier about her unpleasantness. So she wasn’t going to simply bash her dad.

  ‘Have you guys thought about marriage counselling? Because, you know, me and Simon don’t live here anymore, so you needn’t keep going on like this’ Izzy said tentatively. This was the first time she’d really tackled the subject. But she wanted her mother to understand that no one looked at them and thought for a second that they didn’t need help. Certainly not her kids.

  But her mother looked shocked at the very suggestion. ‘Oh, no, of course not.’

  ‘Why not?’ Izzy asked.

  ‘That sort of thing is for people with problems’ Joanne replied and then stood, clearing the table.

  Izzy sat back in her chair, shaking her head, amazed. How could someone be so oblivious?

  ***

  Izzy put the key in her door and let herself in. ‘Kenz?’ she yelled through. No answer. Whatever work emergency she’d had must still be going.

  She walked into the living room and was surprised to find Mackenzie on the sofa, asleep. No, not asleep. Passed out. Drunk.

  Izzy’s jaw tightened as she stood there, watching Mackenzie snooze. Mackenzie hadn’t been at work. She’d gone out for post work drinks. The day Izzy needed her most.

  ‘Oi’ Izzy said to her drunk girlfriend. Mackenzie didn’t move. ‘Mackenzie!’ she shouted. Mackenzie woke with a snort. ‘What?’ she asked, her eyes looking at nothing in particular.

  Izzy clicked her fingers in front of Mackenzie’s face and her eyes came into focus. ‘What?!’ she repeated. ‘I’ll tell you what! You ditched me to go drinking. That’s what!’

  Mackenzie blinked, coming around somewhat. ‘No, hang on. We did work late, I swear. But then Jake suggested a quick drink-’

  ‘You haven’t had one drink. You’re smashed’ Izzy told her.

  ‘Yeah, it might have turned into a couple. You were already out at your parents, so I didn’t think you’d mind.’

  ‘You could have come over late’ Izzy said, her fists clenched. Mackenzie might have stopped what had just happened at her parent’s house if she hadn’t been so self-centred.

  ‘I’m sorry. I thought you’d be alright’ Mackenzie retorted.

  ‘Well, I wasn’t alright!’ Izzy shouted. ‘Those pair were going at it, again. You know I need you with me when I see them.’

  Mackenzie sat up straight, the effects of the booze seeming to clear somewhat. ‘Fine, I’m sorry. Alright?’ she snapped.

  ‘No you’re not’ Izzy exploded.

  ‘I am’ Mackenzie said tiredly.

  ‘No. You’re not’ Izzy said with a shake of her head. ‘My dad went off. You don’t know what it’s like to watch that. You’ve never seen him screaming.’

  ‘I think I’m getting a bit of a preview right now’ Mackenzie muttered.

  Izzy’s eyes went wide. ‘What did you just say?’

  Mackenzie stood. ‘Look, it’s not my job to save you from your shitty parents.’

  Izzy was shocked. Mackenzie had always been so understanding before. Held her hand, told her it was fine, promised to be her backup whenever she needed. But just now, she’d said about the worst thing she could have. She’d compared Izzy to her dad.

  ‘You fucking arsehole’ Izzy exclaimed. She was shocked at herself. She didn’t think she’d ever called anyone something that nasty before. And it was aimed at Mackenzie. It was like a nightmare. Only she wasn’t running from a monster. She was the monster. ‘How dare you talk to me like that!’

  Mackenzie looked livid. ‘How dare I? You call me a fucking arsehole and you’re asking how dare I?’

  ‘Yeah! Because… I’m so happy for you that you have a perfect family…’

  ‘They’re not perfect’ Mackenzie tried to say but Izzy didn’t hear it.

  ‘...But you don’t know what it’s like to grow up with two people who hate each other but won’t leave.’

  ‘But you left. So what’s the problem?’ Mackenzie spat. Her face clouded. ‘Maybe it’s best we don’t have kids if this is how you are.’

  It was the first time since the coffee shop that Mackenzie had brought up the subject. But Izzy had thought about it. Oh yes, she’d thought about it quite a bit. In her deliberations, she’d found that she really, really didn’t want kids.

  From what Mackenzie had just said, she’d probably never stopped thinking about it either. She had also clearly not changed her mind. What was obvious was that she was angry at Izzy for not wanting the same. Izzy didn’t think that was fair at all. And she didn’t like the way Mackenzie was weaponizing the topic to deliver a low blow. ‘That’s it, I’m done’ she said. ‘This time, you take the fucking sofa!’

  Izzy spun on her heel and walked i
nto the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed, anger overwhelming her. After a moment, she grabbed a pillow from the bed, stuffed it to her face and screamed right into it.

  Twenty-Four

  The next morning, they apologised. They promised not to go at each other that way ever again.

  But even though Izzy had accepted Mackenzie’s apology, she still seethed at how unempathetic her girlfriend had been. After all, she’d been the one to blow off dinner. She’d started the whole thing. All that avoidable upset. Izzy couldn’t help but feel resentment, deep. She hated it, but she couldn’t seem to dig it out. She was still angry with Mackenzie.

  She went into work in a foul mood. When her boss asked her to go on a coffee run, she asked him if he shouldn’t send the intern instead. He was surprised at her refusal, but he said fine.

  Then later, Izzy was sent out on assignment. More vox pops, this time to do with a local election. ‘So how will you be voting, madam?’ she asked a harried looking lady with two children.

  ‘I doubt I’ll get to the polls’ the woman said.

  ‘You don’t think it’s important to vote?’ Izzy asked.

  ‘I’ve got two kids. They’re what’s important’ the woman said pompously.

  ‘Well, the elected council member will have a say on local authority funds. That’s what pays for your kids’ school. So if they decide to cut funding to arts or school dinners, your children are directly affected’ Izzy told her plainly, hoping to coax a decent soundbite.

  ‘Oh, is that so?’ the woman snapped. ‘You think it matters which clown goes in, do you? You don’t think they’ll all screw us one way or another?’

  Izzy felt bile rise. ‘As a matter of fact, I think it’s that sort of apathy that has allowed politics to get into the state it’s in’ Izzy said, pleased with herself. This woman was dressing her failure to understand politics as jaded sophistication. Izzy hated that sort of thing. Idiots pretending they knew more than you. She’d had it up to here with them.

  ‘You young ones with no kids’ the woman sneered. ‘You’ve got no clue.’

  ‘How do you know I haven’t got kids?’ Izzy demanded.

  ‘That little badge’ the woman said, pointing at a rainbow pin on her lapel. It was Pride month. Izzy always wore the badge for the whole month. ‘You’re a gay, aren’t you?’

  Izzy tried to keep ahold of herself. This woman would not get the better of her, she swore. ‘I am. That doesn’t preclude me from breeding.’

  ‘Perhaps it should’ the woman retorted.

  Izzy’s mouth fell open. ‘Right. You can go away now.’

  ‘Don’t you want to grill me on my vote with your liberal elite homosexual agenda anymore?’ the woman said, thrilled to have gotten under Izzy’s skin.

  ‘No. Piss off, you bigot!’ she heard herself shout. The street fell silent. Izzy looked down at the woman’s two kids. They were gaping up at her, shocked. Izzy’s remorse came quick and heavy.

  ***

  ‘You can’t do that’ Mark told her in his office later that day.

  ‘I know’ Izzy said, contrite.

  ‘I understand she said some things you didn’t like. I don’t like them either. But when you’re out on the street, you represent us. You can’t get into public slanging matches.’

  ‘I know’ Izzy said with exaggerated remorse. She wanted this to be over. She’d gotten into too many rows recently. It was making her feel out of control, like a ticking time bomb. What the hell was going on?

  ‘Look, I’m not going to sack you or anything. But I’ll have to put you on probation. The woman made an official complaint, so my hands are tied.’

  Izzy blew out a relieved breath. She’d thought that sacking was on the cards, truth be told. Probation was a win. ‘Yeah, sure. Thanks Mark.’

  ‘I don’t like doing this’ Mark said. ‘I think you can go far here.’

  Izzy was shocked. ‘Do you?’

  ‘Of course!’ Mark exclaimed.

  ‘But you never take my ideas.’

  ‘You’re paying your dues, Izzy. That’s how it goes. You get the worst jobs, you take the brunt. You’ve got to learn to bear it. Given time, you’ll have my job’ he said casually.

  ‘You think so?’

  ‘Izzy, you’re bright and hard working. Perhaps I should have said that before you shouted at a homophobe in the street, but there it is. Anyway, best behaviour from now on, alright?’

  Izzy nodded. ‘Thanks Mark.’ She walked out of his office like she’d avoided the firing squad.

  As she walked back to her desk, Izzy swore to herself that things would be different. She would become a model employee and a model girlfriend. Whatever dark thoughts she harboured, whatever resentments and worries swirled in the back of her mind, she would learn to sit on them. Maybe she and Mackenzie had problems, but it didn’t mean they should give up. Not when Izzy had finally found herself in an adult relationship. It was too early to throw in the towel.

  She loved Mackenzie, she loved her job. These things had seemed like dreams come true before. She couldn’t just chuck them both away. She had to work harder, be better, hold tighter.

  Twenty-Five

  For a long time, Izzy managed to keep her vow. She kept the train running. And it didn’t matter if that got exponentially more difficult as time passed. It didn’t matter that now first blood had been drawn, Izzy and Mackenzie had stopped being so kind to each other. It didn’t matter that Izzy found it harder and harder to remember what she loved about her girlfriend. What mattered was continuity of service. They were a couple, in a long, terrible, seemingly unending rough patch. But a couple nonetheless.

  So instead of having several big, relationship ending rows, they limited themselves to dozens of small, unpleasant squabbles. One time, Mackenzie forgot to take the bins out and it went like this.

  ‘You forgot to take the bins out.’

  ‘Was I supposed to do that?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Are you sure.’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Oh. If I forgot, I’m sorry.’

  ‘You did forget. But it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘It obviously does. And honestly, I don’t really think it was my turn.’

  ‘Jesus, Kenz. It was, alright. It’s on the calendar.’

  ‘What calendar?’

  ‘The one I put on the fridge. I told you about it. It was supposed to remind you to do things so I wouldn’t have to anymore.’

  ‘I think we should decide together on things like shared calendars.’

  ‘Fine. Forget it. I’ll rip it up.’

  ‘You do that.’

  On another occasion Mackenzie asked Izzy to pick her up from the train station after a trip to see her parents. Izzy was twenty minutes late. The conversation went this way.

  ‘You’re late.’

  ‘I know, sorry.’

  ‘I’ve been sat waiting. You could have texted me.’

  ‘I don’t like to text and drive.’

  A pause.

  ‘OK, why are you late?’

  ‘Traffic.’

  ‘You were sat in traffic?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So you could have texted me when you weren’t moving.’

  ‘That’s illegal. Even if you’re at the lights.’

  ‘Could you not have called me hands-free, then?’

  ‘I don’t know how to put that setting on my phone.’

  ‘That’s absurd. You work in radio.’

  ‘Yes, I work in radio. We don’t make phones.’

  ‘I just think someone who works with complex audio equipment should have figured out by now how to use their phone’s hands-free setting.’

  ‘OK, Mackenzie. I’ll work on that. Can you just get in the car now?’

  It wasn’t all like that, of course. They still liked some of their time together. They still ate out, went to things. The problem was, that time seemed to shrink, like sand slipping through an hourglass. It was as though all those
beautiful feelings they used to have were slipping through that hole. And neither of them knew how to flip the hourglass.

  So Izzy kept a lid on her rage no matter what Mackenzie said, however careless or cruel. After all, she could be subtly critical too, shitty with Mackenzie too. All that mattered was that it didn’t blow up into a nasty row. Did she still look at Mackenzie with the same googly eyes as before? Not at all. Was she happy? No. Did she sometimes kind of hate her girlfriend? Sure.