The a to Z of Girlfriends

by Natasha West

  She called her brother as she walked down the street. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Yeah. You?’

  ‘I don’t know. How’s Andrea doing? I hope it wasn’t too traumatic for her.’

  ‘She said it was fine. She was more worried about me.’

  ‘She’s nice, you know. I think she’s a good one’ Izzy said. Truthfully, Andrea hadn’t really gotten a chance to show who she was one way or the other. But Izzy wanted to be encouraging.

  ‘Yeah, no… I don’t know if that’s going to work’ Simon said casually.

  ‘What?’ Izzy demanded.

  ‘She’s nice, but… I don’t know if I’m ready to settle down.’

  ‘Then why did you bring her to Mum and Dad’s?’

  ‘Dunno. Stupid I guess.’

  ‘Simon, I hope this isn’t because-’

  ‘Gotta go, sis’ he said and hung up.

  Izzy kept walking, her thoughts in an angry swirl. Those selfish bastards. All these years that they’d stuck it out to do this now? After putting her and Simon through the ringer?

  And the insult laid on top? Her dad attributing it to how broken Izzy was? She was pretty sure he was broken, and her mother was broken, but not Izzy. She was doing alright. Maybe she’d gone a bit off course over the years, made a few wrong turns, gotten stuck on the odd roundabout. But she’d found Zoe. Zoe represented hope. It was early days, but the sky was the limit for them. After all, Zoe treated Izzy like she was made of gold. She told her constantly how cool and brilliant and sexy she thought Izzy was. She didn’t look at her and see a broken toy. That meant something. If Zoe looked at Izzy and saw something good, then it was there. Because Zoe was wonderful. So Izzy might be wonderful too. Her dad didn’t know shit.

  Izzy was still walking when she found herself in the city centre, two miles away from her parents’ house. How long had she stomped, absorbed in this angry stream of thought?

  She’d calmed down somewhat now. But she didn’t want to go back to her parents’ place to get the car. She might run into them and she’d had more than enough of that pair for one day.

  She decided to call Zoe. Zoe knew about her parents, what nightmares they were. She’d understand what today meant, how it affected her. She’d listen. She took her phone out and scrolled to Zoe’s number.

  But then something happened. Just before Izzy could make the call, she happened to glance up. At the shops. At one shop in particular. A jewellers. A mad thought seized hold of her.

  Izzy spent several minutes trying to talk herself out of the crazy notion. But it wouldn’t shake. She’d been so cautious her entire life and what had it mattered? She’d still made mistakes, still lost out, still been unhappy, still never found real love. Until now maybe? So why be careful? Why not do something crazy? Risk it all for the greatest reward of her life? Zoe Moore.

  Izzy walked into the jewellers. She thought for a moment it was empty and she wondered if she should just go, forget this madness. But then a white-haired guy walked out of the back. ‘Sorry, skeleton staff today. Can I help you with something?’

  ‘Yes. I need an engagement ring.’

  Thirty-Six

  Izzy had the ring in her pocket. She’d walked back to her parents and managed to sneak away in her car without being spotted. She was on her way. To Zoe.

  She planned what she’d say as she drove. She thought she probably ought to start with telling Zoe she loved her. She was relatively confident that Zoe would say it back. The way Zoe was with her, she had to, didn’t she?

  Once that was done, she could say something like, ‘I know we haven’t known each other long but I need to ask you something. I’ve been waiting my whole life for you and now I’ve found you, I want you to know what that means.’ And then she’d pop the question. She’d have to explain to Zoe that she knew it was fast and that she didn’t expect them to get married right away, nor even move in just yet, but that she wanted to get engaged now as a start on the road to a life together. Yeah, that sounded OK.

  Izzy pulled in front of Zoe’s building and sat in the car for a moment, preparing herself, getting ready for the biggest moment in her life. She was going to propose to someone. She’d never really imagined this before, it was never her dream to get down on one knee, she’d kind of hoped it would go the other way someday. But somehow, doing this, it felt right.

  She got out of the car and buzzed Zoe’s flat. An age passed, and Izzy worried she was out. But then, ‘Hello?’

  ‘It’s me’ Izzy said into the intercom, trying to contain her excitement. She had to take this slowly, not just rush it and go at Zoe like a nut. ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘Did we have plans?’ Zoe asked, confused.

  ‘No, I was just passing. I hope you don’t mind?’

  ‘No, no, no’ Zoe said. ‘Except, the thing is, I’ve got a workman in. He’s painting the kitchen.’

  ‘Oh, right’ Izzy said, trying to imagine a workman with his bum-crack out, slapping a coat of primer on a wall while she proposed. ‘Could you come down then?’

  ‘Yes, give me a minute’ Zoe said and shut the intercom off.

  Izzy looked around her, reconfiguring her plan. She needed somewhere nice to do this. Maybe a walk to the park around the corner? It was a warm day, it could work.

  Zoe came out of the main door, looking flustered. ‘Hi! I really wasn’t expecting to see you today. I look a state!’ she twittered.

  Izzy looked at Zoe. She did look a little unkempt. But that only made this better. She was seeing Zoe as she was. Like she looked first thing in the morning.

  ‘You look gorgeous’ Izzy said, leaning in and kissing her on the cheek. ‘Hey, you wanna take a walk with me?’

  ‘What’s going on?’ Zoe said, catching on to Izzy’s slight air of occasion.

  ‘I just, I just wanted to talk to you about something’ Izzy told her, smiling, taking her hand. ‘I wanted to start by saying…’

  Before Izzy could get her declaration of love out, she heard a door creak and she turned to see someone come out of the same door Zoe had. It was Jenna, the scary morning show producer. ‘Shit…’ Jenna said. ‘I thought you’d be gone’ she said, exchanging a fearful look with Zoe.

  Zoe instantly slapped a smile on her face. ‘Oh, Izzy, did I tell you that Jenna popped by? She wanted to talk to me about some work stuff.’

  Izzy looked from Jenna to Zoe. And back again. ‘What work stuff?’ She didn’t even know Jenna and Zoe knew one another.

  ‘I… We thought Zoe might want to do a few promos for us’ Jenna said quickly. Zoe nodded.

  Izzy felt nausea creep into her stomach. ‘Then why were you meeting at Zoe’s? Why not just speak at work?’

  ‘Well…’ Zoe started to say, an expression on her face that Izzy had never seen before. She looked trapped.

  Izzy took a step back from Zoe. And then another. ‘Did you… Did you sleep with her?’

  Zoe gasped, getting herself together enough to seem embarrassed. ‘Izzy! Don’t be absurd!’

  But Jenna wasn’t so quick to sort her face out. She was blushing.

  Izzy made a low moan and looked at the ground. She wanted to be sick. ‘Oh god.’

  ‘Izzy, don’t be crazy’ Zoe said. ‘I don’t know why you’d say something like that!’

  Izzy turned away from Zoe, to Jenna. ‘I’ve known you for a few years and I’ve always respected your honesty. So I’m asking you… Did you?’

  Jenna licked her lips and flicked a look to Zoe. Izzy didn’t even need confirmation now, but she wanted to get it anyway. Jenna inhaled and said, ‘Yeah. We did. Sorry, Izzy.’

  Izzy turned away, to her car. Zoe was at her back before she could get the door open. ‘Izzy, wait, it’s not what you think. I mean, yes, we did. But I didn’t plan it, it was a one off, it just happened.’

  ‘It just happened while Jenna was at your flat for some reason?’ Izzy asked, turning back to Zoe. ‘You must take me for a total mug.’

  ‘She dropped by to t
alk about the promos, just like I said. Things… Things got out of hand. But you and me, it’s still early days, I didn’t think it would be a big deal.’

  ‘You used the word girlfriend. That was your word. Are you going to tell me now that didn’t mean we were exclusive?’ Izzy asked.

  ‘This was a one off, Izzy. Please, don’t get upset about something so little.’

  Izzy stopped and looked at Zoe’s desperate face. Was it really just the once? And if it was, did it change anything? There was an easy way to find that out for sure. She looked over at Jenna, still locked on the spot. ‘How many times has this happened?’

  Jenna gave an awkward shrug. ‘Four or five?’

  ‘Will you shut the fuck up!’ Zoe screamed at Jenna.

  Jenna gave Zoe a look of contempt. ‘You wanna lie, go ahead. But this kind of shit isn’t me. I should never have let you talk me into this.’ Jenna walked off down the street.

  Zoe turned back to Izzy. ‘She’s a liar.’

  ‘You’re the liar’ Izzy said. ‘I thought we had something, you know? So maybe I was wrong. Maybe I am a mug.’

  Zoe couldn’t find any words to reply. Izzy took the moment to get into her car. She drove around the corner and parked up, out of sight of Zoe. She leaned on her steering wheel and cried ‘til she was dry. After that, she took the ring out of her pocket and put it in the glove box, never wanting to see it again.

  Thirty-Seven

  Two days later, Izzy walked into her office. She didn’t want to be there. She was dreading seeing Zoe downstairs for the first time after she’d caught her. Maybe she could take a minute to gather herself before she braved it, she pondered.

  But Zoe was waiting in her office, sat in her chair. Izzy nearly jumped out of her skin. ‘We need to talk’ Zoe said quickly.

  ‘About the run down?’ Izzy asked. ‘Because anything else is off the table.’

  ‘Please. Just listen for five minutes, that’s all I ask.’

  Izzy sighed. ‘I don’t have time. Tell me after the first hour, alright?’

  So, at eleven minutes past six, Zoe finished up and walked straight into the booth ‘Right, first off, I really did like you. And I meant everything I said.’

  Izzy rolled her eyes.

  Zoe was incensed. ‘I did! But you don’t know what it’s like for me. I have this problem, this intimacy thing. I start to get too close to someone and I have this… Itch.’

  ‘An itch? Have you tried medicine? I bet Canesten make something for that. Apply cream to your downstairs and treat the urge to be a cheating bastard?’

  Zoe shook her head. ‘Izzy, if you’re not going to listen-’

  ‘Oh, trust me. I can’t wait to hear this.’

  ‘Then you need to understand, this only proves what I thought. I’m in love with you!’

  Izzy barked a laugh. It was so loud, the morning crew looked over. And they were in sound-proof glass. Luckily, Jenna was out of sight, no doubt keeping her head down.

  ‘Look, I’ve always had this thing’ Zoe explained. ‘About women in charge. My therapist says it’s because my mother was cold. I don’t know about that. But anyway, Jenna… Well, she’s such a bossy bitch, I couldn’t help myself. But after what happened, I realised… Sometimes you have to throw something away to realise you want it. And then you know how much that thing, that person, really means, and you come back ready to love them properly.’

  Izzy sat back in her chair, astounded. ‘Are you trying to get me to forgive you?’

  ‘Yes, of course. I gave you a few days to get over it. And now I want to be honest. I want us to make a go of it.’

  Izzy regarded Zoe, eyes wide with sincerity and she knew that Zoe meant every word she was saying. As she’d meant everything else she’d ever said. But only in the moment she said it. Because her attention was short. However, in other moments, other things would seem more important. Like her mummy complex bullshit. ‘Zoe…’ Izzy began, and Zoe smiled, waiting, expecting to hear that Izzy was ready to take her back. ‘I think you might need more therapy.’

  Zoe’s smile faded. ‘Does that mean you’ll think about it?’

  Izzy stood and looked at Zoe. ‘Not a fucking chance.’ She left the booth, leaving Zoe wide eyed with astonishment.

  Izzy headed upstairs, just like the last time she’d had a staff problem, to see Jeremy. ‘I’m sorry, but I have to quit.’

  Jeremy was astonished. ‘What, why?’

  Izzy didn’t see any point in beating around the bush. ‘I’ve been seeing Zoe. She cheated on me. So now I have to leave because I can’t look at her anymore.’

  Jeremy had to sit down. ‘Christ. Can we fire her instead then?’

  ‘You know we can’t. Not on this basis’ Izzy told him.

  ‘I know. I was just fantasising. I’d rather lose her than you, any day.’

  ‘That’s kind of you to say’ Izzy told him. She didn’t know if he meant it or if he was being nice, but she appreciated it just the same.

  ‘God, why did I call her that day?’ Jeremy asked himself. ‘Why didn’t I call the guy with the bad wig? You probably wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. Although he does have a lovely smile.’

  Izzy gave a tired laugh.

  ‘Look, what if you didn’t leave?’ Jeremy asked. ‘What if we moved her around? I could ask Jill from afternoons if she’d swap you her guy?’

  Izzy thought about it. ‘I’d still know she was here. Maybe it’s crazy to you, but even that…’ Izzy shook her head.

  ‘Christ, Izzy. She’s really fucked you up, hasn’t she?’ Jeremy asked.

  Izzy’s shoulders slumped. She hadn’t spoken to anyone about this yet and since she was talking to Jeremy, she might as well lay it out. ‘She’s a moral vacuum without pity. And I was ready to propose to her, Jeremy. I don’t know how to get past that.’

  ‘Did you buy a ring?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes. It’s in my glovebox now. I’m going to chuck it into the canal.’

  ‘Was it expensive?’

  ‘I spent a grand’ Izzy told him with a shudder.

  ‘Get a refund’ Jeremy told her with conviction.

  Izzy had of course considered it. But the thought of walking back into that shop - the shop she’d walked into so full of hope, so utterly blind - and asking for her money back, was somehow as horrifying as finding Zoe with Jenna. It was like trying to get a refund back on a terrible life choice. Not possible. ‘I don’t think I can face going back into the jewellers-’

  ‘No, you’ve got to take it back. Take that money and spend it on you, buy something to cheer yourself up. Don’t let her take more than she already has from you.’

  Izzy chewed her lip. ‘I’ll think about it.’

  ‘Alright. Look, if you can stay a week, I might be able to help you find something new, speak to someone I know. I heard about something that might be coming up. I don’t want to say more until I know for sure.’

  Izzy’s eyes were wide. ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Yeah. Can’t promise anything. But I’ll give it a go.’

  ‘That’s generous of you, thank you.’

  ‘So you’ll give me the week?’

  ‘Of course’ Izzy told him. ‘I would have anyway.’

  ‘You think you can deal with it?’

  ‘One week? I think I can manage. Just about.’

  ‘Good woman’ Jeremy said, giving her a companionable clap on the back. ‘But heed my advice. Take that fucking ring back.’

  Thirty-Eight

  Yes, Izzy did manage the week. But it was rough. Seeing Zoe every day, trying to do her job properly while she was hurting so much, it was a bad week.

  The only consolation was in that week, she happened to see Jenna and Zoe walk past each other in the hall. They looked away from each other, Jenna’s face plastered in disgust. So Izzy had one thing to grasp onto. Zoe and Jenna weren’t walking off into the sunset together.

  Eventually, the hellish week ended, and Izzy slipped out. She’d reque
sted no party, no fanfare. But there were still a couple of tearful hugs from station staff. Izzy had never realised how liked she was until she was leaving.

  As she left the building, she turned and saw Zoe in the window. Zoe gave her a shy wave and a smile. Izzy remembered Grant’s big exit and decided to follow his lead. She gave Zoe the finger. Zoe’s smile dropped, and she disappeared from the window.