If I Told You So

by Timothy Woodward

  “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I just thought—”

  “You and Dad have been doing a lot of thinking recently, haven’t you? I should be the one asking you what you talked about with Dad.”

  “He told you we talked after dinner the other night?”

  “It came up.”

  “I didn’t tell him.”

  “I know. Thanks.”

  “It’s up to you to tell him when you’re ready.”

  “Yeah. He knows something’s up. But I’m not ready yet.”

  “Okay. By the way, Becky called for you last night before you got back from fishing.”

  “Oh?”

  “Wanted to know about a date with Jay?” My mother looks curious herself.

  “The one that never happened?”

  “No?”

  “Yeah, I called him after I got home, but he didn’t pick up his cell. It’s no biggie. We were going to go to a movie, and it was probably too late by then, anyway.”

  “Well, there’ll be other movies. Don’t be afraid to keep me posted.”

  “I know, Mom. I will. I’m going to go call Becky, okay?”

  She smiles at me and turns around to refill her coffee mug. I have been dismissed.

  Becky picks up on the second ring.

  “Sean?”

  “Yeah. You weren’t waiting by the phone or anything were you? ”

  “Only a little. Sean, we have to talk.”

  “Okaaay.” I can’t help but wonder why Becky is using the dreaded four-word phrase. “Are you breaking up with me?”

  “No.” Silence.

  “Becky?”

  “I’m not breaking up with you, but I think Jay might be.”

  “What?” My stomach clenches and churns like I ate some bad sushi.

  “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but after you left with your dad yesterday, I overheard Jay calling another friend to go out to a club. He was out back and didn’t know I could hear him. I was in the bathroom.”

  “What?”

  “Sean, what was I supposed to do? If Jay has another boyfriend, you want to know, don’t you?”

  “I. . . don’t. . . know. Wait. What exactly did he say?”

  “I didn’t catch all of it. I heard the end. He said he was free and that he’d meet the person on the phone at ten.”

  “Well, that doesn’t mean it was a date.” But it sure sounds like one. And he wasn’t free. He had made plans with me.

  “Sean, I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  I take a deep breath. “You’re right. You shouldn’t have told me.”

  “Sean.”

  “No. You say you don’t want me to get hurt, but that’s exactly what you’re doing. You make it sound like you want to protect me at the same time you shove a knife in my back. I can take care of myself.”

  “Sean. Please.”

  “You’ve done enough. I have to go.” I hang up the phone, but the conversation continues in my head. Jay has other friends. The first night we went out he had made plans with his other friends to go to a club. It means nothing.

  But he said he was free. He was not free. He had plans with you. You were supposed to go to the movies.

  But I got home late. He got tired of waiting.

  He made the plans before he knew you’d be late.

  He can have other friends.

  He should have told you.

  He should have told you.

  I decide to take a shower to drown out my thoughts.

  I spend the rest of the day shut in my room. Twice I pick up the phone to call Jay. Once I even dial. But I hang up before the phone starts to ring.

  The problem is I don’t know what to say. Do I ask about his night? What if he lies? Worse, what if he tells the truth and breaks up with me? What if I come right out and ask if he went out with someone else? If it’s not true, he’ll think I don’t trust him. And what if it is true?

  I kick the phone under my bed.

  I decide to sign online. I find a familiar screen name in my buddy list. I open up a chat.

  NHBeachBoi: Are you really there?

  I only have to wait a few seconds.

  LuvBug922: I’m here!!! SEAN!!!!!! {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

  NHBeachBoi: {{{HUGS}}} What are you doing online?

  LuvBug922: OMG, I totally twisted my ankle riding horses yesterday. I got my foot caught in the stirrup!

  NHBeachBoi: OUCH! You ok?

  LuvBug922: I’m fine but I’m not allowed to walk on it for 24 hrs. I’m stuck in the office all day today. At least I get to use the internet.

  NHBeachBoi: That’s cool.

  LuvBug922: how r u? How’s the pink cone?

  NHBeachBoi: ok

  LuvBug922: only ok?

  NHBeachBoi: yeah. I’m fighting with everyone there right now.

  LuvBug922: about what

  NHBeachBoi: OMG, everything.

  At first chatting with Lisa seemed like a great idea. Even if I was never really interested in Lisa as a girlfriend, she was still my best friend. We talked about everything.

  But how can I talk to her about Jay?

  LuvBug922: Tell me

  I stare at the computer screen for a long time without typing anything.

  LuvBug922: Sean?

  LuvBug922: u there?

  NHBeachBoi: I’m here. Sry.

  LuvBug922: it’s ok. Can u talk about it?

  NHBeachBoi: idk

  NHBeachBoi: I want to

  NHBeachBoi: but it’s hard.

  LuvBug922: Try me.

  I don’t know where to begin. I wish Lisa could read my mind.

  LuvBug922: Sean? Did u meet someone else?

  Did I mention that Lisa and I were best friends because we could read each other’s minds?

  NHBeachBoi: yes

  NHBeachBoi: OMG I’m sooooooo sorry!

  LuvBug922: I knew it

  NHBeachBoi: I’m soooo sorry! I’m the worst human being on earth

  While I’m typing more apologies and cursing at myself for being the kind of guy who will break up with someone over IM, Lisa’s screen name disappears from my buddy list.

  LuvBug922 has left the chat

  No! I pick up my computer mouse and throw it off my desk. It hits the wall and then dangles by its cord off the back of the computer. I am so stupid. What did I think I was doing? I throw myself facedown on my bed and pull a pillow over my head.

  I want to cry, but I can’t. I’m so used to tears coming when I don’t want them to, it’s a weird feeling when it happens the other way around. I slam a fist into the pillow on my head.

  And then I hear the familiar creaking door sound telling me someone has signed online. And almost immediately, my computer beeps with an incoming message. I look up.

  LuvBug922: SEAN? R U STILL THERE?

  LuvBug922: I’M NOT MAD

  LuvBug922: THE INTERNET HERE IS REALLY BAD

  I rush to the computer, but I can’t find the mouse. I have to crawl all the way under my desk to reach it.

  LuvBug922: SEAN?

  LuvBug922: Well, hopefully I’ll catch you soon.

  LuvBug922: I want to talk about this

  I scramble to type as fast as possible.

  NHBeachBoi: OIM HEER

  LuvBug922: Sean!

  NHBeachBoi: I’m Here!

  NHBeachBoi: UR really not mad?

  LuvBug922: No. I was actually thinking about breaking up with you.

  Ouch. She was going to break up with me?

  LuvBug922: some of the other counselors and I were talking about relationships, and the more we talked the more I realized that we’re really just friends.

  LuvBug922: Do u agree?

  NHBeachBoi: yes. U read my mind. So ur really not mad?

  LuvBug922: nope. Actually wanna hear something funny? I was telling my friend Therese about u, and u no what she said?

  LuvBug922: She said u sounded gay!! LOL

  LuvB
ug922: Isn’t that hilarious?

  If people who have never met me can figure this out, why is it so hard for me?

  NHBeachBoi: lol

  I realize that Lisa has just kicked a door wide open for me.

  NHBeachBoi: What if it’s true?

  LuvBug922: ??

  NHBeachBoi: What if I am gay?

  LuvBug922: OMG

  LuvBug922: R U?

  NHBeachBoi: Yes.

  LuvBug922: Did you meet a guy?

  NHBeachBoi: Yes.

  NHBeachBoi: RU mad now?

  LuvBug922: Actually, no. I’m not sure how I feel, but I’m not mad.

  LuvBug922: I think I might have always known.

  NHBeachBoi: really?

  LuvBug922: yeah, it’s not like ur like the other guys at school

  NHBeachBoi: u don’t want to have God save me now?

  LuvBug922: LOL NO!

  LuvBug922: actually one of the other counselors here is gay

  NHBeachBoi: at a Christian camp!??

  LuvBug922: yeah, he told us right away at orientation and said if we had any questions that we should just ask.

  NHBeachBoi: really!??

  LuvBug922: Yeah, you remember Brad? He gave me a ride on his boat?

  Of course I remember Brad. How could I forget? I wanted to set Lisa up with Brad!

  NHBeachBoi: Brad is gay!???

  LuvBug922: I know, right? So beautiful. Such a loss.

  This is almost too much for me to process. First Jay and now Brad. Is every beautiful man with a boat who sails into Bell Cove gay? Becky talks about gaydar, but I clearly don’t have it.

  NHBeachBoi: How old is he?

  LuvBug922: 19 this is his third summer here. Wanna know sumthing funny?

  NHBeachBoi: what?

  LuvBug922: he thinks you’re cute!!

  We go back and forth for a while after that, me pumping her for information about Brad, her teasing me about my sexuality as if nothing’s changed and I’ve been her gay best friend forever. I’m not sure why I was so nervous to tell Lisa. Becky, Mom, now Lisa. Coming out isn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but that doesn’t mean I’m ready to tell my dad yet.

  I think some more about Brad. I wonder if I’d ever have the guts to stand up in front of a bunch of Christian camp counselors and tell them I’m gay. I wonder how Brad told his parents. His dad. I’ve only met him once and he’s sort of become my role model. I kind of want to talk to gay Christian camp counselor Brad. Maybe he can give me some advice.

  Chapter 24

  Despite renewing my friendship with Lisa, I am not in a mood to go back to work the next day, so I take a detour to the top of Mann’s Hill with my bike. It’s finally August and the days have been getting hotter and hotter, and I am sweating by the time I make it to the top. To make matters worse, my favorite rock is too hot to sit on. I find a grassy spot nearby and lie down and watch the clouds. It’s not what I came here to look at, but it’s still peaceful and helps me start to forget about my fight with Becky, and Jay standing me up. The grass is cool on my skin, and the soft ends tickle the backs of my knees. I feel like I am almost floating with the clouds myself.

  I watch them drift by. A puffy one looks like a bunny nibbling some clover, but then the wind stretches the nose and it looks more like a dog with floppy ears. One of the ears detaches from the body. It’s long and pointy on one end and rounded on the other. It looks like a giant white ice cream cone. Oh, shit. How long have I been here? I grab my bike and pedal all the way to the Pink Cone without stopping.

  By the time I’m parking my bike behind the Pink Cone, I’m calm. After all, both Jay and Becky left me to fend for myself last time, so they deserve it if I’m a little late. I put on my best “I couldn’t care less” face and walk up to the door. In my head I’m practicing snappy retorts as I pull it open.

  “Nice of you to join us. It’s the hottest day of the summer. Do you know what that means? Customers!” The smirk disappears from my face. This is not Jay’s voice. Or Becky’s.

  “Renée,” I stammer. “I didn’t know you’d be here. I didn’t mean to—”

  “Can it. I don’t care about excuses. Poor Becky’s got frostbite out there serving everyone herself. I’d help, but we’re almost out of chocolate. Harleigh apparently forgot to make it last night. Chocolate! Who forgets to make chocolate? I mean, pistachio, I’d understand, but chocolate . . .”

  Renée continues to complain while she dumps ingredients into the mixer. It takes a few seconds before I realize she’s not talking to me anymore, but I don’t wait around to get her attention again. Cursing my luck, I pull on my bright pink work shirt and go to relieve Becky.

  Becky doesn’t say anything when she sees me, just raises her eyebrows before turning to fill a sugar cone with chocolate chip. If that’s how she wants to play it, fine. I don’t say anything either, and instead go straight to the window to ask for the next customer’s order.

  We work side by side like that for an hour without speaking. A couple of times we need the same flavor, and one or the other of us stands impatiently, scoop on hip, waiting for the tub to be free. Normally, Becky would throw in a jab, like “leave some for the cows,” but not today.

  Eventually, Renée comes out from the back with a couple of replacement flavors. She narrows her eyes. “You two look like you’re having fun,” she says. “What’s up? I thought you guys were, like, BFFs?”

  “Sean is mad at me because I tried to warn him that his boyfriend is cheating on him.”

  I stop in mid-scoop. I feel my face go warm despite the freezer-cooled air. I clench my jaw, determined not to react to Becky’s overstep.

  Renée doesn’t miss a beat. “Sometimes people don’t like to hear what’s good for them, especially not from people they care about.”

  I’m still leaning over the ice cream, and Renée slaps my butt. “Sean, get your head out of the freezer; these are heavy.”

  I stand up, and Renée drops the tubs in place.

  “Now, Becky, apologize to Sean.”

  “What? But I didn’t—”

  “I know your heart was in the right place, honey, but sometimes we gotta just keep our mouths shut.”

  I’m pretty sure Becky has never apologized to anyone in her life, and I doubt Renée is going to make her start now.

  Becky raises her chin and purses her lips. But then she says, “Sorry.”

  Never underestimate the power of Renée.

  “Now, Sean, forgive Becky for caring about you too much.”

  My mouth opens to protest, but I shut it again, and the corners of my mouth go up involuntarily. “I guess it is kind of dumb to be mad at you.”

  Renée makes a low gurgling laugh and shakes her head at us. “Fabulous! And now that we’ve all kissed and made up, can we please get back to serving my customers?” She hands us each a clean ice cream scoop and pushes us toward the windows where a line of customers is growing out the door. “I’m going to run out for a bit. Don’t burn the place down, okay?”

  Now that Becky and I are talking again, it occurs to me to ask why Jay isn’t working. It’s not that I don’t like Renée, it’s just that I had only seen her a handful of times since she hired me.

  “I don’t know. Renée said he asked her if he could work tonight’s shift instead.”

  “But I’m off at four.”

  Becky just shrugs.

  “Okay, I get it,” I say.

  “Forget about Jay for now. Let’s play a little game,” Becky says with a mischievous smile.

  “We are not putting laxatives in the chocolate ice cream.”

  I swear I see a glint in her eye, but it might just be a reflection off her ice cream scoop.

  “No. We need to liven this up a bit,” she says.

  “So?”

  “Let’s make a new flavor.”

  “But Renée—”

  “If it sells, Renée won’t care.”

  “And if it doesn’t sell?” I say.

 
“What do you think? Chocolate Grape-Nut?”

  “Becky!”

  “No? How about Almond Joy fudge brownie?”

  I cover my eyes.

  “Pistachio maple walnut?”

  “Gross! At least do something people will eat.”

  Becky puts her hands on her hips. “Then you suggest something, genius.”

  “I don’t know. Coffee and black raspberry?”

  Before I can stop her, Becky has the half-empty tub of black raspberry tilted over the coffee container and she starts to scoop. My mouth opens, but I have no words.

  “Don’t just stand there, grab a scoop and start mixing.” Becky has emptied the black raspberry and is already writing Raspberry Latte on the whiteboard we use to list flavors. She grabs a red marker and writes Today’s Special next to it and then stands back to admire her handiwork. “Let’s see who can sell the most,” she says to me.

  I shake my head. “You win. You could sell eggs to a chicken.”

  “C’mon, it’ll be fun.”

  For the next two hours we suggest raspberry latte to every customer who comes to the window, and we even get several takers. None of them seem disappointed with their choice, although a few do a double-take when they see the garish color combination. I decide that the next time, we should mix the flavors in advance, so it has a more uniform look.

  As predicted, Becky is crushing me in sales of raspberry latte, but I try hard to keep up. I talk two old women who my mother would call “blue hairs” into trying it, although they insist on a small cup with two spoons.

  “That only counts as one!” Becky says.

  I turn away from the window. “C’mon!”

  I’m getting ready to plead my case when a voice behind me says, “Hi, Sean.” I turn around. It’s Matt.