If I Told You So

by Timothy Woodward

  “Not yet,” she says.

  “I can’t breathe.”

  “Fine.” Becky lets me out of her grip, but she’s still smiling. “I’m sorry I was such a bitch.”

  “You were right, though.”

  “Of course I was, but I didn’t have to be so bitchy.”

  “You were just being Becky. I should have listened to you.”

  “Nah. You had to find out for yourself.”

  I grab a cookie from the plate on the table. I take a bite and realize I’m starving. I grab two more from the plate.

  “Hey,” Becky says, “I made you something.”

  “You did?” I say with my mouth full.

  “You don’t have to wear it.” Becky reaches into her pocket and pulls out a strand of colorful beads. “It’s a necklace.”

  I take it from her and hold it by one end. I pull it through my fingers, letting the translucent plastic beads catch the light. The beads are arranged by color in groups of five, so that they make a rainbow. The pattern repeats several times. “I love it,” I say. I try to put it on, but I’ve never worn a necklace before, and I have trouble with the clasp.

  “Here.” Becky comes around behind me and helps me get it on.

  I walk into the hallway where there’s a mirror on the wall. It’s just a small change, but I feel like I’m looking at a whole new person. A gay person. A happy gay person.

  I turn back to Becky and give her another hug. “Thank you.”

  “Here’s something else.” She hands me a folded piece of paper. It says Jew Talkin2U. “It’s my screen name,” she says. “Use it.”

  I stare at the paper for a few seconds, and then stuff it in my pocket. “I will.” I smile at Becky. “I’ll use it every day and twice on Sundays.”

  “Let’s not get carried away.” Becky slaps me on the back. “Hey, your mom said it would be okay if you came down to visit me in New York this fall. We can go see a show on Broadway.”

  “She said that?” Could this really be the same mom who freaked out at the beginning of the summer because I got in a canoe? And it hits me exactly how much has changed in the last two and a half months. “I’m already voting for Avenge Q. ”

  “It’s a date.” And I know that even after Becky leaves today, this is not really good-bye.

  Chapter 38

  Later that night, I’m eating leftover lasagna at the kitchen table with my mother. “I’m glad you and Becky made up,” she says.

  “Yeah, me too.” When I think about how much I almost lost because I was too focused on Jay, I can’t believe it. I never thought I was someone who would act like that, letting my feelings for someone get in the way of my friendships and my family.

  But Jay wasn’t all bad either. If it hadn’t been for him, I might still be pretending to be someone I’m not with Lisa, and that wouldn’t be good for me or for her. But next time, I’ll be more careful, especially since next time I might not have Becky there to warn me.

  I think about how supportive Becky was from the very beginning. She pulled me out of my shell, and there was never any question about giving support. I was afraid to come out to my mother, but Becky gave me the strength I needed to do it. If only she was still around so I could come out to my dad.

  But I don’t need Becky to come out to my dad. I have my mom now, and besides, if there’s one thing I’ve learned this summer, coming out is always easier in real life than you imagine it to be in your head. Sure, my dad might not be happy, but it’s not really his happiness that matters to me.

  I finish my lasagna. It will still be light out for another hour or two. I make a decision.

  “I’m going out,” I say to my mother.

  “By yourself? ”

  “I have something I have to do.”

  It’s a perfect evening for a bike ride, and I enjoy the trip over to the Lakeside Cottages. Lights are starting to come on in windows. I take a detour up Mann’s Hill so I can look at my little town peppered along the shoreline. I used to make fun of Bell Cove because it’s so small, but I’m starting to realize that it’s only small in my mind. I shouldn’t be so eager to escape. There’s plenty here left for me.

  I cruise down the hill toward my destination, but the closer I get, the more anxious I feel. Twenty minutes ago, at the dinner table, everything was clear in my mind, but now sweat beads on my forehead despite the cool evening air. I must tell my father. I need to tell my father. But what will he say?

  I play the scenario over and over in my head. “Dad, I’m gay.” I repeat it to myself. You can do this, Sean. I remember how I felt sitting with Becky on the bench by the lake. It’s such a simple sentence, and yet the uncertainty behind it is paralyzing. What will he say? What will he do?

  But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what he does or says. It’s about me. I want my father to know who I am.

  I take a deep breath. I am ready. My bike bounces over the dirt driveway that leads down to the cottages. You can do this, Sean.

  But the cottage is dark. This late in the season, only a few cars are parked along the driveway. Most people have returned to their normal lives somewhere else, my father among them. When did he leave? Was he gone when I dropped Becky off earlier? He didn’t say good-bye?

  I stop the bike in front of my father’s cottage. There are no fishing poles leaning by the door, no coffee cup left sitting on the porch railing. The cottage is empty. My father is gone.

  Conflicting emotions swirl in my chest. My lungs loosen and I can breathe, realizing I don’t have to do it now, but something hard and cold slides down my stomach. I can’t do it now.

  I had worked myself up for this. I knew it was what I had to do. I was going to come out to my father, look him in the eyes. But he’s gone. Back to Georgia.

  “FUCK! ” A surge of anger erupts inside me. I yell it loud, and it echoes across the lake like a rifle shot. A screen door squeaks open a few cottages down, and in the failing light I can see a man watching me from his front steps. He doesn’t say anything. Neither do I. I climb back on my bike and ride home.

  “He left last night.” My mother is sitting in the living room with a book when I come in. “You were asleep.”

  “I thought he wasn’t leaving until next week.”

  “Did you know your father’s girlfriend was pregnant?”

  “What?”

  “Apparently.” My mother puts her book down. “She went into labor last night. Six weeks early.”

  “Nice of him to tell me.”

  She looks at me over her reading glasses. “There’s a lot of things we should tell each other.”

  The news isn’t shocking to me. I always knew my father had a new life in Georgia, and since our conversations rarely go deeper than who’s hitting cleanup for the Red Sox, I had no reason to find out. It’s not like I ever asked what was going on in his life. I think back to our fishing trip. He had something important to talk to me about, and I had assumed it was about me being gay, but maybe this was what he wanted to say. Maybe it was as hard for him to tell me as it was for me to tell him.

  “Will he call?”

  “I’m sure he will.”

  The idea of a new brother or sister is funny to me. I’m sixteen. I’ll be in my thirties by the time the kid is in high school. And my dad’s not exactly young. I shake my head, and a dry laugh comes out of my mouth. I’m surprised that I could find it funny, but I do. And suddenly I’m laughing harder. My mother looks at me for a moment longer, and then she is laughing, too. I fall on the couch next to her, and we laugh until it starts to hurt.

  Finally, between breaths I ask, “Do you think it will be okay to visit?”

  My mother takes my hand and squeezes. “Your father would like that.”

  “Maybe over Christmas vacation. I can tell him then.”

  “That’s a good idea.”

  “Thanks, Mom.” I get up from the couch. I head up to my room. I’m tired, but also full of energy. My head spins with everything that’s
happened today, happened this summer. And I realize, my mom has been there the whole time. Even when she was mad at me, she was there. When I thought I was alone, that there was no one to tell about how I was feeling, no one to tell about being gay, my mom was always available. And I know that’s not going to change. When this summer started, I didn’t think there was anywhere or anyone to turn to. How wrong I was.

  I wonder if maybe I’ve been selling my dad short, too. That day out on the lake, he said I could talk to him about anything. I think about his new family, and how much my dad has changed in just the past year: moving to Georgia, a girlfriend he’s probably going to marry, a new child. Is it too much to believe my dad could change in other ways, too? I lie on my bed and think about my father and his new family. I know I’ll have a second chance.

  Chapter 39

  Lisa comes back on Saturday. I want to meet her at the dock, but we both decide that explaining things to her father would be awkward, so I hang out at my house waiting for her to call. Now that Becky’s left, there’s not much to do, and I’m pretty anxious to get back to school. The Pink Cone won’t close up for another month or so, and I’ll keep working there once school starts. But I’ve decided to take a little break until Jay leaves for college in a week. Renée is very understanding. I never did pick up my paycheck, and Renée told me Jay wouldn’t be working this afternoon. I figure I can stop in after Lisa calls.

  She doesn’t call until after three. I’m waiting by the phone, and I pick up on the first ring.

  “It’s about time!”

  “Hello to you, too.” Lisa is laughing on the other end.

  “When are we hanging out?”

  “Whoa there, cowboy. My mother’s acting like I’ve been gone for three months, which I kind of have.”

  “What about tonight?”

  “I’m going out with a bunch of people from camp. We’re having an end-of-summer bonfire. It’d be awesome if you can come.”

  I had planned on having Lisa to myself, but the idea of making some new friends isn’t so bad either. I have a thought.

  “Is Brad going to be there?” I ask.

  “He’s the one that’s planning everything. You would so love him. You have to come!”

  “Okay,” I say, trying not to sound too eager. I want to see Brad again almost as much as I want to see Lisa. Other than Jay, I don’t know any gay people my age. My mom’s been great, and Becky was awesome, and Lisa seems really supportive, but none of them really know what it’s like. Having just one person to talk to would make all the difference.

  We make plans to meet up later that night. In the meantime, I head down to the Pink Cone.

  Renée comes out to meet me when I get there, and she gives me a hug.

  “How you doin’, hon?”

  “Okay.”

  We sit on the stone wall along the front of the store. “It’s been quiet around here without you and Becky.”

  “Yeah?”

  “It’ll be fabulous when you come back.” We sit for a minute in silence. I understand now that Renée knew more about me than I did when she hired me at the beginning of the summer. I wonder if that’s how Jay started working here, if he was ever confused and scared. Did Renée help him, too?

  “Thanks, Renée,” I say.

  She checks her watch. Even her watchband is pink. “You’re welcome, hon.” She stands up to go back inside, but I catch her hand.

  “I mean it. Thank you.”

  “I know. You’re welcome.” She gives me a knowing look, and then her attitude shifts abruptly. She starts up the walk to the store. “I’ve scheduled you for three days next week. Don’t be late.”

  I smile after her. I’m just now realizing how much of a friend Renée is to me. I still don’t like the pink shirts, though.

  I sit on the wall and look out at the lake. It’s late afternoon, and the sun has dropped so that the light has that indirect quality that makes everything look like a postcard. There is no wind today, and the lake is glassy. The boats moored at the docks float above perfect mirror images of themselves. A jagged line of ducks paddles along the edge, sending ripples out into the water. It’s one of the last Saturdays of summer, and Bell Cove is quiet. I’m so absorbed by the scene, I don’t notice when someone sits down next to me.

  “What are you looking at?”

  I jump, just a little. I’m embarrassed to be snuck up on, but then I see it’s Matt. I haven’t seen him since Becky left.

  “Nothing. Just the lake.”

  “It’s beautiful.”

  “What brings you down here?”

  “I was hoping you’d be working. Felt like a scoop of Purple Cow. ”

  “Not raspberry latte?”

  “I like Purple Cow better.”

  “I’m not working, but I could probably snag us both a scoop if you want,” I say. He nods and I jump up to get us the ice cream.

  He’s still sitting on the wall when I get back. We eat in silence for a few minutes, before Matt says, “So, uh, how’s Jay?”

  He takes me by surprise. I didn’t realize he knew I was gay. “We broke up,” I say.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. He was a jerk. Becky tried to warn me.”

  “Was he your first boyfriend?”

  I nod.

  “Everyone has to have a jerk boyfriend sometime. You got yours out of the way.”

  We eat the rest of our ice cream and talk about the summer. Neither of us can believe how quickly it went.

  “It was too fast. I didn’t get to do half of what I wanted,” Matt says.

  “I know,” I say.

  “What’s one thing you wish you could have done this summer that you didn’t get a chance to do?”

  I don’t even hesitate. “Tell my dad I’m gay.”

  “He doesn’t know?”

  I shake my head. “I tried to tell him, but I couldn’t seem to find the right moment.”

  “Do you think he’d be okay with it?”

  “Yeah. Yeah, I do. It’s just hard, you know?”

  “Yeah, I do,” he says.

  “I mean, my mother’s like the most accepting person on the planet, and she had a hard time. It’s scary. She’s still got lots of questions.”

  “Yeah?”

  “She’s started reading books about it.”

  “Maybe she should go to a PFLAG meeting.”

  PFLAG is that group that Lisa told me Brad wants to start. How does Matt know about that? He must have seen my confused look, because he adds, “My parents are starting a chapter.”

  “They are?”

  “You know what it is?”

  “Yeah, Lisa told me about it. She said some guy from her summer camp is starting one.”

  “That must be Brad.”

  “You know Brad?”

  “He’s a wicked-cool guy. He’s having an end-of-summer bonfire tonight.”

  “You’re going?”

  “Yeah, you should come.”

  “I am. Lisa already invited me.” I look at Matt in his cargo shorts and T-shirt. I have to ask. “Why are your parents starting a PFLAG chapter?”

  Matt doesn’t answer. He just gives me a half smile and raises his eyebrows.

  “Are you . . . ?”

  “Gay?” Matt says.

  “Are you?”

  “I’ve had a crush on you since freshman year. Why do you think I kept eating your ice cream?”

  “What?”

  “I don’t even like coffee ice cream. I only ate your raspberry latte because, well, because you made it.”

  “What?” My brain keeps replaying the last thirty seconds in my head like a TiVo. I really did hear what I think I heard.

  “I’m pathetic, I know,” he says.

  “No, you’re not. I’m the one who’s pathetic. I thought I was the only gay guy in school, the only gay guy in Bell Cove.”

  “Surprise.”

  We throw out our ice cream bowls, and I suggest we take a bike ride before we
meet Lisa for the bonfire. There’s still at least an hour of light left so I lead us up to Mann’s Hill. We climb up on my favorite rock to watch the sunset. I never noticed how much room there was up here.

  We talk about school, and what plays we might do this year in drama club, and what books we like (mysteries) and movies (horror and action). We talk about friends we have in common and teachers we like.

  “I really like you, Sean,” Matt says.

  He catches me off guard. I know he doesn’t mean as in friends.

  “I like you, too,” I say.

  “But?”

  “But, I don’t know if I should jump into anything right now.”

  “I get that.” Matt looks off over the lake. Above us, long tendrils of clouds create pink and orange and purple bands across the sky. They’re reflected as long tongues of color over the water.

  I watch him in the evening light, and suddenly I find myself leaning over, and I give him a kiss on the cheek.

  Matt turns to me in surprise. He bites his tongue between his teeth in embarrassment, and even in the fading light I can see that he is blushing.

  I take his hand. We can take this slow. He laces his fingers between mine and squeezes. I squeeze back. We don’t say anything. We don’t need to. We just watch the sun set.

  A READING GROUP GUIDE

  IF I TOLD YOU SO

  Timothy Woodward

  ABOUT THIS GUIDE

  The suggested questions are included to enhance your group’s reading of Timothy Woodward’s

  If I Told You So.

  1. Before Sean meets Becky he has led a very sheltered life growing up in a small town. How might growing up near a city have changed Sean’s life? Would it have made coming out any easier for him?

  2. Sean describes his relationship with Lisa as very tame, which makes it easier for Sean to be Lisa’s boyfriend. How is this relationship mutually beneficial? Is it possible that Lisa suspects that Sean is gay? Why would she stay with him if this were the case?