Bill of the Dead (Book 2): Everyday Horrors

by Gualtieri, Rick

  “Yes, once upon a time and with a disciplined coven.” I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye, to which she amended, “Fine, a mostly undisciplined pack of assholes. Not my fault Night Razor was more interested in keeping his dick wet than running a tight ship. Even so, everyone knew their place on the food chain.”

  “I’ve been trying to work on that part.”

  “And while we’re on the subject, how the fuck are there even any vampires to worry about? I thought Ed was the only one who could...”

  “Dave,” I replied deadpan. “That hand cream he was hawking, it had dormant vampire venom in it. When Gan turned the power back on again...”

  “It became a lot less dormant,” she surmised, shaking her head in disbelief. “Please tell me you at least killed his stupid ass.”

  I shrugged. “He’s actually down in Columbia right now, making them change the formula and organizing a recall ... hopefully.”

  “Hopefully?”

  “He’s been a bit ... remiss in answering his phone since he left.”

  “Why am I not surprised to hear one of your dipshit friends is responsible for ass-fucking the world?”

  “At least no one can claim we’re underachievers.”

  “That’s debatable.”

  “Says the woman who just woke up from a three week power nap.”

  “Hey, at least I can’t complain I didn’t get plenty of beauty sleep.” She pulled down the sun visor and opened the mirror in it. As she gazed at her own reflection, I saw the barest hint of a smile cross her face.

  “Happy to be back?” I asked, realizing full well there was a double meaning to my words.

  “You want the truth or the politically correct answer?”

  “Save the fluff for Twitter.”

  “Fine by me. So, here’s the deal. I fully expected to die down there – no ifs, ands, or buts. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to. But, oddly enough, I was kinda okay with it. My friends were there with me. I was able to save your butt one last time, and I even got to plug that little psycho at point blank range. What I’m saying is, as far as endings go, that wouldn’t have been a bad one.”

  “I dunno, I always favored growing old and becoming a burden to my loved ones.”

  “As if you’re not already,” she said with a chuckle. “But in all seriousness, I don’t. Hell, it terrifies me.”

  “Growing old?”

  She nodded.

  We stopped at a red light, watching as scores of angry New Yorkers took their sweet time crossing the street in front of us. “I thought you were okay with things, I mean after we beat Calibra and all.”

  She stared out the front window, watching the people walk by. “I thought I was. But that feeling of balancing the scales only lasts so long. After a while, it all recedes into nothing more than a bad memory. Then you’re left with the reality of aches and pains you never noticed before, all while seeing new lines on your face that weren’t there yesterday.” She shook her head. “I know I’m the last one who should be allowed to complain. If anything, I got off easy. Besides, scared or not, I was pretty sure I had plenty of good years left ... or I did before those assholes kidnapped me. Truth of the matter is, they hurt me pretty bad, made me realize my own mortality.”

  “I know, but you still managed to...”

  “Trust me, I had no intention of dying like that, chained up there like a dog. But still...”

  She touched the side of her head. When we’d finally rescued her, most of her hair had been gone, leaving only raw burnt flesh from whatever they’d done to her. Now, though, it was a vision of perfection, albeit really green perfection.

  “Some scars you don’t heal so easily from, Bill, especially once you get older.” She let out a mirthless laugh. “I know how vain that sounds now, but down there I was running on nothing but fear and adrenaline. So, I guess what I’m saying is...”

  “You wanted to go out in a blaze of glory?”

  “If it meant saving your dumb ass? Yeah, I guess so.”

  “That’s sweet, in a disturbing sort of way.”

  “You’re welcome. But then I got zapped.”

  “Trust me, I noticed. It was ... not a good moment for me, seeing what happened to you.”

  “Probably better than it was for me.”

  I couldn’t argue that one. “So, all of that stuff was going through your head when it ... happened?”

  “Partially.”

  “Oh?”

  “It sounds funny now, but in that last second, just as those Magi were turning on me, the only thing going through my head was that I was way too old to be doing stupid shit like that.” She let out another laugh. “That, and the old me – the person I used to be – would’ve been quick enough to dodge it all.”

  I turned onto her street, the gears in my head spinning like crazy. “Really? That’s what you were thinking.”

  “I know, it’s pretty pathetic. So much for that bullshit about my life flashing before my eyes.”

  “Not that. Think about it. Might it be too far of a stretch to say that in your last moments, you sort of ... wished for the old you back?”

  Sally was a bright bulb, one of the brightest I’d ever met. She turned my way, her alien looking eyes opening wide in a way that told me she was coming to the same conclusion. “Are you being serious?”

  “Yeah. It sounds crazy, but what else do we have to go on?”

  “So you think I ended up like this because I subconsciously wanted it?”

  “Maybe, minus all the green anyway. But yeah. It kinda makes sense, sorta. Remember, Gan was behind this. She somehow cut a deal with whatever that thing was. Maybe that was her price. She wheeled and dealed to get magic back into the world and in return maybe it agreed to grant her a wish, like some sort of fucked-up Aladdin.”

  “So you’re saying that thing was a genie?”

  “Not even remotely. I’m saying, I have no fucking clue what it was. But I know Gan, and there’s no way she’d do anything for anyone unless there was some benefit for her.”

  Sally appeared to consider this. “What do you think she would’ve wished for?”

  “I don’t care to speculate, but I have a feeling it would’ve involved me at her side, busy updating my Facebook profile to indicate we were in a relationship.”

  She grimaced. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, Bill, but if that’s the case, then I’m kind of glad I was there to take that bullet for you.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “Me, too.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “... Dave would’ve asked for cash, no doubt there, and Tom, well, he’d have probably wished for his old body back but with a three foot dick.”

  Sally held up a hand as we reached the door of her building, thankfully at an angle that shaded us from the sun. “I get the point. You really didn’t need to elaborate on the stupid ass shit your friends would wish for. Trust me, I don’t need that last image in my frontal lobe.”

  “Just trying to explain how things could’ve ended up otherwise.”

  “Safe to say, as usual, I was the best choice for the job.”

  She reached a hand into her pocket then rolled her eyes, no doubt remembering she didn’t have her keys.

  “Allow me.” I stepped past her and opened the door. “They broke the lock when they kidnapped you. I didn’t get around to fixing it. Figured there was no reason to, not with the place...”

  “Infested with vampires?”

  I stepped inside, grateful to be out of the daylight. “Infested is such a strong word, although I appreciate your faith in my recruitment abilities. Hopefully we can do right by this bunch.”

  “We?”

  “Well, this is your home, and you ... kinda sorta know this shit a lot better than me.”

  “Both are true.”

  “Not that I’m asking you to do anything. But maybe I could bug you for some tips here and there. I mean, I know you’re busy and...”

  “Was busy,” she
replied, leading the way up the stairs, the building quiet despite me knowing it wasn’t empty.

  “What do you mean?”

  She stopped and turned to face me. “Look at me.” Then, after a moment, she grinned.

  “Something funny?”

  “You actually made eye contact. Once upon a time you’d have thought I was headless. Look at you now, acting all mature and shit.”

  “In all fairness, I am in a relationship.” That, and her current outfit wasn’t designed for maximum cleavage as her old wardrobe had been, not that I was about to say that out loud. What? I’m only human ... mostly anyway.

  “Dare I ask how the meatwad being in your ex’s body is affecting things?”

  “Still figuring that shit out. Probably best to leave it at that for now.”

  She inclined her head. “Which I’m more than happy to do. But getting back to the point, the me who was dragged down into that cavern was a busy woman with a full schedule. The me who woke up covered in black demon jizz, not so much.”

  “Beelzebub bukkake, there’s gotta be a market for that.”

  “I’m surprised you’re not already a lifetime subscriber. But that wasn’t my point.”

  “I know.”

  She let out a sigh, opting to ignore my stupidity. “Let’s be realistic. I can’t just walk back into the Pandora Foundation looking like this. Plastic surgery is good, but not this good.” Ego, thy name is Sally. “It’s way too early to make any decisions, but I can’t help but think Sally Carlsbad is about to have an unfortunate accident ... one in which her body is never recovered.”

  “Carried off into the woods by Sasquatch maybe?”

  “Here’s a thought. How about I think this through without your help?” She turned and started up the stairs again. “Good thing I kept all those old IDs.”

  “Old IDs?”

  She nodded from up ahead. “Yep. Contrary to the popular belief that Village Coven was above the law, a few of us – Star, me, and a couple others – made it a point to always have extra passports and social security cards handy ... just in case.”

  “In case of what?”

  She let out a chuckle. “Despite what Night Razor would have had us believe, not every situation could be solved with a trail of bodies.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. “Please tell me you have at least one with Sally Sunset on it because, if so, I have got to see that shit.”

  “Nice try, doofus, but no such luck. Most of it is under Sally Pemberton.”

  “Pemberton?”

  “That was Jeff’s last name.”

  “Wait,” I said, slowing as we neared her floor. “So were you two...?”

  “The only things that asshole was married to was cocaine and whatever unfortunate piece of tail he compelled to his bedroom at any given time. No. Think of it as a subtle fuck you, just in case I ever got a chance to make a run for it.”

  “No offense, but I think I prefer Sunset.”

  Her posture appeared to stiffen, likely from the unpleasant memories of her time serving beneath Douche Razor. “All things considered, me too.”

  CALM, COOL, AND DEBT COLLECTED

  Though the front door of the building was pretty much a free for all, I’d taken the time in the ensuing weeks to at least fix the lock on Sally’s apartment itself. Much as I’d needed a place for the new Village Coven – note to self, come up with a better name – it felt wrong giving them unfettered access to the building.

  With the help of Christy’s magic, we’d also taken care of the worst of the damage done by Sally’s kidnappers, meaning her place was waiting for her to move right back in.

  Thank goodness I’d remembered to grab her new keys on the way out, saving me the embarrassment of having to undo all my work by breaking down the door just to let us in.

  “Didn’t you say this place was infested with the undead?” she remarked as we stepped inside.

  “I think that was actually your word, not mine. But anyway, the new recruits are probably asleep.”

  “No doubt, but I’m surprised at least one didn’t wake up with all the noise we were making. How many are we talking about anyway?”

  “About half a dozen.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Unfortunately, we’ve had to dust more than that.”

  “Can’t say that’s really too surprising.” She looked around, then turned back to face me. “By the way, about how many vamps did your fucktard of a friend make with that shitty hand cream of his?”

  I shrugged. “Probably best not to ask.”

  “Spill.”

  “I mean, it’s not as bad as it could’ve been. Between the news, Christy’s scrying, and the fact that martial law hasn’t been declared, we’re pretty sure a lot of the new vamps didn’t survive their first sunrise.”

  “But I’m assuming that leaves plenty who were smart enough to stay indoors.”

  “Um ... yeah.”

  “So, exactly how fucked are we?”

  “Not to sound pessimistic but I’d say in every hole, double penetration at the very least.”

  She let out a heavy sigh. “Sounds like one of Night Razor’s old parties.”

  “Wait, what?”

  “Make yourself comfortable,” she replied, ignoring my outburst and heading for her bedroom. “I need to change.”

  “What for?”

  “I love Christy, really I do, but please don’t ever let her pick out clothes for me again. That goes triple for the new Icon.”

  “Remind me to tell you how he almost hung himself trying to put on a bra for the first time.”

  She slipped into the room and started to close the door behind her. “Remind me not to ask.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  For someone who’d woken up from an extended magic induced coma to find their entire existence fundamentally changed, Sally seemed to be taking it all in stride.

  I stayed with her for the rest of the morning and well into the afternoon. My plan was to be there when the others finally woke up, so I could drive home the point that Sally was not on the menu.

  It had to be done, although I was holding out hope that it wouldn’t be a life or death necessity. Reasoning with hungry vampires was like trying to explain to a drowning man that breathing was overrated. Sated vamps, however, were a different story, and I’d made it a point to keep my recruits stocked in overpriced pig blood.

  Regardless, even a well-fed vamp could be unpredictable. I knew damned well that these people were no longer alone in their own heads. That by itself was an X-factor. A vampire could be chatting away one moment and covered in buckets of blood the next. I intended to make sure these guys knew full well that none of those buckets had better belong to any of my friends.

  In the meantime, I kept Christy up to date via text message while Sally went about her business. In between us talking and me bringing her up to speed on things, she made several phone calls. I pretended not to eavesdrop but did anyway. Some were to the Pandora Foundation. Others were to banks or her portfolio manager.

  I detected a definite undertone of her setting the stage to possibly move on. Yet, at the same time, she maintained a calm businesslike manner about her – almost as if she knew this day might come.

  Before I could discuss it with her, though, she made one last call that was one hundred percent her old self.

  “You’re a life saver,” she said into the receiver. “See you Wednesday. Yes, noon sharp. I won’t be late.”

  When she finally hung up, I was sitting on the couch with a raised eyebrow. “I didn’t mean to listen in...”

  “But you did anyway because you’re a prick.”

  “Pretty much,” I said with a nod. “Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice the name Alfonzo being mentioned.”

  “So?”

  “As in our Alfonzo?”

  “No,” she replied. “As in my Alfonzo. As far as I remember, you wouldn’t even let him give you a manicure. Your loss by the way.”

  I
raised my hands in surrender. “I’m sure. Anyway, did I perchance hear correctly?”

  “Yep. He’s flying in from L.A., making a special trip.”

  “A special trip? Did you threaten to kill his family or something?”

  She laughed. “It’s called friendship, dumbass. Not to mention loyalty. I was one of his best customers back in the day.”

  “Um, you killed him so he could serve as your undead hair stylist for all eternity.”

  “True, but that was merely a compliment to his skills. Besides, afterward, as way of offering up my gratitude, I just so happened to help finance his new studio in California, where I might add he has a waiting list at least three months long.”

  “Unless your name happens to be Sally?”

  “What good are favors if you can’t call them in? And, much as I appreciate my divine makeover...” She fingered a strand of green hair. “I prefer to choose my own color combos. God, I hope he can strip this stuff out.”

  “Yes, because being stuck with punk rock hair is truly the worst problem imaginable.”

  “Don’t be a little bitch, Bill.”

  “Speaking of which,” I said, taking the opportunity to change the subject. “It’s just the two of us now. Are you okay? No offense, but you seem really calm for someone who went through hell and back.”

  I thought she might dismiss me outright, tell me to grow a pair, but instead she sat next to me, put her hand on mine, and looked me in the eye. “No. I’m not even remotely okay.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’m terrified, confused, and angry beyond all belief.” After a pause, in which my eyes might’ve opened a bit wider than normal, she added, “Relax, it’s not at you.”

  “Who then?”

  “Gan, Komak, mages in general, whatever did this to me ... Gan.”

  “You said Gan twice.”

  “I know. Killing her with my mind is cathartic. Gives me something to look forward to.”

  I didn’t dare to disagree.

  “As for being calm, this isn’t my first time around the block. It’s not like I’m a kid again, alone and scared in a big city while predators close in around me.”