Bill of the Dead (Book 2): Everyday Horrors

by Gualtieri, Rick

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Kara stepped out a few minutes later with a curt, “No, I’m not doing it for you. Figure it out.”

  The moment she was clear, she fixed me with a glare that told me I really should’ve made a run for it – daylight or not – when I had the chance.

  “That’s not Sheila, is it?”

  “Physically, yes. Mentally ... not quite.”

  She took a deep breath as tears gathered in her eyes. Oh boy. “My brother is dead.”

  “Yeah, about that...”

  “We had a funeral.”

  “I know. I was there.”

  “My parents are still a mess about it. Hell, I’m still a...” She turned and glanced back at the bathroom door. “No. Now I’m even more of a mess.”

  “If it helps, we all thought he was dead, too ... until recently anyway.”

  “What do you mean, until recently?”

  “Sit down. I have a feeling he’s going to be a while.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Making it a point to stay out of punching range, I explained to her how Tom’s ghost appeared not long after the magical pulses began – his soul having somehow been fused with a dormant extradimensional power source in the shape of an action figure.

  From there, I switched gears, telling her how Sheila had sacrificed herself to save him, and in doing so made him the new Icon – skipping the part about how he sucked at the job so far.

  “And you didn’t think to tell any of us?” she cried once I was finished.

  “Of course I did, but it’s not really my story to tell. And even if it was, what was I going to say to your parents? Hey, you know how your son died five years ago? Well, turns out we were wrong. Oh, and now he’s back in my ex’s body.”

  That seemed to get through to her and she nodded as if to acknowledge I maybe had a point. After a moment, though, she replied, “But why didn’t you tell me? I used to be a part of this. I would have understood.”

  I didn’t have an easy answer, other than Ed – in the days prior to his kidnapping – had gone out of his way to explain how she was very much not cool with her short-lived tenure as a vampire. Fortunately, though, I didn’t need to actually say that out loud because Tom picked that moment to emerge from the bathroom, lurching his way over to us in a duck walk of sorts.

  “Sorry,” he said, “I’ve been meaning to tell you I was alive, but I’ve been sorta busy.”

  “Why are you walking like that?”

  “Because I’ve got three of those fucking things shoved up against my cooch. It’s ... kinda uncomfortable.”

  “You do know you’re only supposed to use one, right?” Kara asked, her eyes still wet with tears but the reality of the situation apparently starting to sink in.

  “Yeah, but they looked kind of skimpy. So, I figured more is more.” Kara opened her mouth to reply, but a sudden look of horror crossed Tom’s face before she could say anything. “Oh shit!”

  “What is it?” she asked.

  He turned to me instead, though. “I just realized, this body, it works. All of it.”

  “Yeah, and...?”

  “Dude. What if I get knocked up?”

  “How? Unless you’re telling me you’ve been hopping on random dicks in your spare time.”

  “Fuck no. I’m strictly a vag-man. But, like, what if I sit on the wrong toilet seat or something?”

  The look on Kara’s face said she was finally starting to come to terms with the fact that the dumbass words coming out of Sheila’s face hole were, in fact, things her brother was more likely to say. “You do realize it doesn’t work that way, right?”

  But Tom was already on the move, heading toward our kitchen nook, where he proceeded to start opening up the drawers.

  I stood and watched as he rummaged through the place. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m throwing out our turkey baster, just to be on the safe side.”

  Before I could comment on that, Kara put a hand on my arm. “Okay, let’s back up a second here. Magic is back and so is my brother, in a sense. I ... get that. So, is there anything else you’re not telling me ... like about...”

  “Fuck yeah,” Tom replied conversationally, continuing to root through the cabinets. “A whole shit-ton of stuff has happened. Bill’s a vampire again, our new roommate is an extra-dimensional eyeball blob named Glen, and Ed was kidnapped by Gan.”

  Son of a...

  Kara narrowed her eyes at me. “Gan?”

  “I think I mentioned her when we were both at Pandora. Gansetseg, former prefect of China, old as dirt and batshit crazy.”

  “What does she want with my Ed?”

  “He’s a vamp again, too,” Tom rather unhelpfully added, still looking through drawers despite the fact that we didn’t even own a turkey baster.

  “How?! Was he...?”

  “No,” I said, realizing there was no longer any reason to play it coy. My phone buzzed in my pocket, drawing my attention for a moment, but I ignored it. This had waited long enough. “He wasn’t bitten. Far as we can tell, he technically never stopped being one. He just sort of ... I dunno ... went into remission for the last five years.” Realizing that likely wasn’t helping, I quickly added, “At least that’s our theory. But hopefully now you realize why we’ve been...”

  “Lying to me?”

  “I was going to say omitting certain details.”

  “That doesn’t make it better,” she snapped.

  “I know, believe me. But the truth is we didn’t want to freak you out or give you reason to get involved in this shit. Gan is not someone you want to mess with, trust me.”

  “So, where is she keeping him?”

  “We don’t know. But believe me, we’re doing everything we can to find out. It’s just ... it’s a big world and Gan controls all the resources of the First Coven.”

  Kara wiped her eyes. “Do you think he’s...”

  “I have absolutely no doubt he’s fine. This wasn’t just some random drive by. Gan doesn’t do anything without a reason, including taking people.”

  “Yeah,” Tom said. “If she wanted him dead, she could’ve iced his ass no problem.”

  I turned and glared at him. “Not helping.”

  “Actually, he is,” Kara replied, still sounding on the verge of abject misery. “I remember you telling me about her. She was dangerous, wasn’t she?”

  “Not was, is.”

  She nodded, looking like she was doing her best to hold it together. “Does this have anything to do with what Ed was ... is? You know what I mean. He was different from other vampires.”

  “We think so. That’s why we’re certain he’s okay. He’s one of a kind, unique.” Hopefully that was good enough for her. I really didn’t relish having to explain that Gan was likely keeping Ed around for the express purpose of making baby neo-vamps loyal to no one but her. There’d been enough surprises lain at her doorstep for one morning.

  Or so I thought.

  Because, of course, Glen picked that moment to plop out of his bedroom, causing Kara’s eyes to open so wide they nearly fell out of her skull.

  He stopped mid-slither and stared back, about half a dozen eyeballs of various sizes wearing a look of similar surprise. “Um ... bark?”

  Before I could make proper introductions – or she could scream – my phone buzzed in my pocket again. Grateful for the reprieve, I pulled it out and glanced at the screen ... only to find that gratitude drying up in the space of an instant.

  There was a voicemail from Sally waiting for me – the contents already transcribed into text.

  You need to get over here ... now.

  MODERN ART

  “I have to go. It’s Sally.”

  Kara immediately perked up at the mention of her name, no doubt because Sally had been her former coven master. “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m not entirely sure, but safe to say things have been getting weird again.”

  She looked me in the eye. “The news was right
, wasn’t it? The Strange Days are starting again.”

  A part of me wanted to tell her that they were long past getting started, but I realized that might do nothing except freak her out more, when she was already pretty well on the way there.

  Still, until I received an engraved invitation to the end of the world, I chose to hold onto at least a bit of optimism.

  “I don’t know. We’re still figuring shit out. But for now, sit tight.” I hooked a thumb at Tom. “You two probably have some catching up to do anyway.” I paused for a moment, a thought hitting me. “That is, unless you have another training session with Vincent this morning.”

  Tom shook his head. “Haven’t heard from him in three days. Far as I’m aware, I’m free to be treated to a catch-up breakfast.”

  “Okay, go with that.” Once again, it seemed nobody had any idea where Vincent and his witchy wife had gotten off to, but they were adults. They could handle themselves. Hell, for all I knew, she was celebrating getting her powers back by taking them on a second honeymoon to Valhalla, or wherever Magi jetted off to get their freak on.

  “Why do you need training?” Kara asked.

  Before Tom could answer, I pointed a finger at him, “No showing off your lack of sword skills in the apartment. I’m still mourning the loss of my favorite coffee mug.”

  “Pussy,” he replied.

  “Shall I accompany you, Freewill?” Glen asked. “It’ll only take me a moment to put my disguise on.”

  I didn’t really have time to slather on a ton of sunscreen, nor did I care to test my luck with city traffic when my friend needed me. That meant, with the sun up, the trip into Manhattan would have to be below ground. I could only imagine trying to explain to any nosy metro cops that Glen was my service dog. That, and I also didn’t fancy traipsing into Sally’s place with a rotting four-legged corpse lurching by my side. Undead I might be, but I still had standards.

  “It’s fine, Glen. I can get there faster on my own. Besides, it’s probably nothing. For all I know, she’s just pissy because one of her new residents redecorated without her say so.”

  “If you’re sure.”

  I wasn’t, but none of us really knew what had happened to her during her tenure as a human wall plaque. For now, it was probably safer to minimize the risk to others, even if I wasn’t too keen on risking myself. “It’s all good, man. Stay here, be a good host and, um, guard the place from any intruders.”

  I turned toward the door, glancing back at him. “And no biting the mailman.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  As a paranoia measure five years ago, I’d had an emergency sewer exit built into the building’s basement, fully expecting to never use it. Now I was glad as shit I’d forked over the cash. I had a feeling it was going to get a lot of use over the next ... well, eternity, as I currently didn’t see any way of reversing things this time – not unless I planned to turn into an adventuring globetrotter, searching the world for the thirteen mini Sources Gan had created by destroying the original.

  There are far worse fates than adventure.

  Well, yeah, I guess there were and ... huh, my subconscious was doing it again, offering up unasked for opinions.

  Sadly, I’d been down this road before. Much as I wanted to think these thoughts were coming from me, I had a feeling that wasn’t the case.

  “Not now, Dr. Death,” I said, attempting to return Sally’s call.

  No answer, of course. So, I left a quick voicemail telling her I was on the way, before clambering down the ladder to the filthy muck below.

  Fortunately, my murderous alter-ego didn’t seem in the mood to argue. That was good because last time around I’d almost had to blow myself to bits to finally exert control over him, something I wasn’t keen on reliving.

  At least there was one upside to being a vampire. Disgusting as it might be in the New York City underground, and believe me I wasn’t exaggerating, at least there was little chance of me contracting the plague. For a vampire, there was nothing down there that a good shower couldn’t fix – hopefully anyway.

  As I traversed the tunnels to the nearest subway station, I reminded myself that the rules had changed. Much as I wanted to believe that troglodyte leprechauns were the worst that I’d have to worry about – and, in all fairness, those fuckers had been pretty nasty – I had a feeling it was unwise to be complacent.

  Needless to say, by the time I made it to the maintenance entrance of the 86th Street Station, I’d managed to spook myself pretty goddamned well. Go figure. Me, a creature of the night, the so-called legendary Freewill, was happy as a clam to finally step into the artificial light of the station and hop on a train bound for Manhattan.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Sadly, my underground adventures weren’t quite over yet. Since I’d grabbed neither sunscreen nor a hoodie on the way out, I still needed to traverse the wonders of the Manhattan tunnels in order to make it to Sally’s.

  The only upside was that her place had originally been purchased as a safe house for our former coven, meaning it came standard with a subbasement sewer entrance, as all coven properties had back then.

  Sewer to sewer service between Brooklyn and Midtown. What a world we lived in.

  Thankfully, I made it there with no problems, save one or two economy sized rats giving me the side-eye along the way.

  But that’s about as far as my luck held.

  I ascended to the back stairwell and had no sooner popped my head up, when a whoosh of air told me to get out of the way as fast as I fucking could.

  CLANK!

  I just barely managed to duck as a shovel blade cut through the air where my noggin had been only moments earlier.

  My only thought as it slammed into the far wall was, oddly enough, how did I manage to piss off Sally this time?

  “Oh shit! Sorry.”

  Alas, she wasn’t the culprit. I looked up to find Jessica standing there, surrounded by most of the other members of Village Coven 2.0.

  I was about to lay into her for almost making me a foot shorter, when I realized how pale they all looked – well, paler than usual. In fact, they were all huddled together like frightened puppies during a thunderstorm, the living kind, not whatever the fuck Glen was pretending to be.

  I held up a hand to silence their incessant apologies – goddamn, we’d come a long way since the days of the original Village Coven. “Okay, what’s going on. Is Sally okay?”

  “S-Sally?” Jessica sputtered. “You mean that ... that witch you brought here?”

  “She’s not a witch. Or at least I’m pretty sure she isn’t. Christy’s the Magi. Remember her? I brought her over last week...”

  “Who cares?” Leslie snapped, her brown eyes momentarily flashing black. “That ... thing killed Stewart!”

  That was pretty much the end of the coherent information I was able to glean. What followed was a panicked babble of accusations and fear. Yessir, ladies and gentlemen, here was the latest generation of nocturnal predator.

  That was a secondary concern, though, compared to Sally. Much as I considered these new vamps my responsibility, she came first. It probably wasn’t fair to them, but oh well. Life wasn’t fair. Why should anyone expect the afterlife to be?

  I pushed through the mass of vampires huddled on the first floor, ignoring their pleas for my safety – crazy as that even sounded to me – and headed toward the stairs. Not a single one of them followed me up, though. Guess I was flying solo on this one, but that was okay. This was Sally we were talking about. She’d been my partner in crime through the worst of the worst. I wasn’t about to puss out just because a few folks were accusing her of wanton murder – which, truth be told, wasn’t exactly a new thing.

  Still, so far as I was aware, the last time Sally had taken a life was five years ago – some unfinished business with a former coven mate. Sure, she’d recently put a bullet in Gan’s head, but that didn’t count since Gan survived – and had really deserved it.

  The thing was, muc
h as I wanted to believe Sally was okay after being flash fried by a godlike entity, I wasn’t an idiot. There was no doubt we were sailing in uncharted waters here, and I had a feeling we were about to hit our first real rapids.

  I made it to her floor where, at first, everything appeared normal. But then I started down the hall toward her door, noting there was some kind of stain or discoloration on the wall opposite her apartment.

  As I got closer and my angle improved, however, I saw more details and the picture it painted was not a pleasant one.

  It was a smear of ash and blood, still chunky in some places, in the vague shape of a human body – as if a vampire had somehow exploded and been dusted in the exact same moment. But that made no fucking sense.

  Cut a vamp and they’ll bleed, at least until they healed. But kill a vamp and no such dice. All you got for your trouble was a pile of ash. Sure, there were poisons that could retard the process but – call me crazy – I was pretty sure Sally didn’t keep any on hand, not unless there was something in her kitchen cabinets she wasn’t telling me about.

  This, though, it was almost like whatever happened had been so fast or violent that even the vamp’s death hadn’t been enough to compensate, resulting in what could best be called a fucking mess.

  So engrossed was I by the disgusting spectacle that I barely registered the sound of the door opening behind me, or the footsteps that followed.

  “Something is definitely not right with me,” Sally’s said from over my shoulder.

  “You don’t say.”

  PTO

  “You up for some day drinking?”

  “Yeah,” I replied, forcing my eyes away from the gruesome display, “I could handle a bottle or two.”

  “Good. Come on in and join me.”

  Sally was already dressed for the day, looking considerably more fashionable than she had when last I’d seen her – wearing a lowcut blouse and miniskirt combo that probably wouldn’t have passed muster at her foundation. Despite the horror show right outside her door, I allowed myself a brief smile.