Bill of the Dead (Book 2): Everyday Horrors

by Gualtieri, Rick

“Good job, Lassie,” Tom said, to which Glen wagged what was left of his tail.

  “I bet those are fuckers who won’t forget to spay or neuter their pets anytime soon,” I replied, leading us away.

  The subway would’ve been faster, but I didn’t consider that a wonderful place to take a disgusting zombie dog. Not to mention, I didn’t really consider it wise to be trapped inside a metal tube with people at the moment. My stomach had been rumbling since before our return to the city, and my game of magical ward tag hadn’t served to make it better.

  Truth of the matter was, my plan was to head over to Sally’s, make sure she was okay, bitch Falcon out a bit, and bring everyone up to speed on the fact that werewolves were amongst our new problems. Once that was done, I figured I’d go downstairs and steal some of the coven’s blood, then safely spend the rest of the night watching my fingers grow back. And that was it.

  This fucking day needed to be over.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “So, we’re all on the same page, right? Pop dropped us off uptown and we’ve been walking ever since. At no point did we head over to Falcon’s personal birdcage and we definitely did not fuck it up even worse than it was.”

  “Nor did we stick a tampon in his...”

  I turned to Tom. “Probably best to forget that altogether.”

  “Ooh. We could say we took a detour through a dog park,” Glen offered.

  I nodded. “Okay, that could work. You tried to play with some rottweilers, and they decided to use you as a chew toy instead.”

  “But I won in the end, right?” he asked hopefully.

  “Sure you did, buddy.”

  “All dogs go to heaven,” Tom replied, “but especially those who fuck with Glen.”

  He held up his hand and we high fived.

  Maybe this new dynamic of ours wasn’t so bad after all. Soon as we figured out a way to rescue Ed, we could...

  Tap. Tap.

  A low but persistent sound caught my ears as we turned onto Sally’s block. The streets weren’t exactly empty – they never really were in Midtown – which really wasn’t helping my situation. I’d been making it a point to keep my head down as much as I could, so as to not tempt myself any more than I already was ... and I was pretty goddamned tempted. As it was, every person we passed smelled tastier than the last. Soon enough, it was going to drive me fucking crazy.

  However, among the edible rabble hurrying this way and that, I spotted a lone woman walking slower and more carefully than the rest.

  A moment later I realized why. She was tapping a long white cane out in front of her. Just as I noticed this, a group of barely twenty-something girls – all of them giggling, laughing, and probably high as balls, walked past, bumping into the blind woman and causing her to stumble.

  They barely turned long enough to laugh out a false apology before continuing on their stoned merry way.

  New Yorkers were famous for coming together during a tragedy, but that didn’t mean there weren’t tons of assholes in the bunch. Case in point.

  I glanced toward Tom. Technically this was supposed to be his thing, last defender of humanity and all, but he seemed blissfully clueless. Typical.

  Though I knew it wasn’t smart, hungry as I was, it was still the right thing to do. And it’s not like I hadn’t been forced to curb my appetite before. I could behave for a while longer if need be.

  “Hold on, guys. I’ll be back in a second.”

  I stepped away, crossing over to the other side of the street, where the blind woman appeared to be regaining her bearings. As I approached, I saw she wasn’t much older than the group who’d tripped her up – probably around my age when I’d first gotten dragged into this shit. She had short black hair, a Hispanic complexion, and was wearing a light jacket and dark glasses, despite it being night – which obviously wouldn’t mean shit to her anyway.

  “Hey,” I called out, not looking to startle her. “Are you okay? I saw those assholes bump into you.”

  She turned her head my way and smiled, revealing straight white teeth. “I’m good, thanks. Happens all the time. Everyone here is always in a rush, even this time of night. You get used to it.”

  “Okay. Just wanted to make sure. That wasn’t cool what they did.”

  “I appreciate it. Nice to see not everyone in this city is a pendejo.”

  “All right then.” I turned, then hesitated, not really sure what the protocol was in situations like this. “Um ... before I go, is there anything I can help you with?”

  “Is this your way of asking me out?”

  “Um ... no. I just meant, um...”

  She smiled again, obviously aware that I was trying to extract my foot from my mouth. “How about this? Help me across the street and we’ll call it a day. Damned long blocks. Takes forever to reach the cross walk.”

  “I know what you mean, but sure. Um, here.” I held out my arm to her. After a moment, she took it and we stepped to the curb.

  Somewhere close by a car screeched on its brakes, not atypical for the city.

  The scent of burning rubber filled my nose, distinct yet distant ... probably too distant for a normal nose to pick up. It was one of the benefits and curses of being a vampire. A single breath through my nostrils revealed layers upon layers of scents: the scalded tires, the general dirt of the street around us, Tom and Glen up ahead – a strange combination of Sheila’s scent mixed with the rotting meat suit Glen was wearing. Beneath them all were many more layers, but none that I cared to spend much time on. Leave that shit to the bloodhounds, I say.

  A few moments later, we stepped back onto the sidewalk where both Tom and Glen were waiting.

  “A truly noble gesture, Freewill,” Glen called out, before adding, “Bark!”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the blind woman raise an eyebrow behind her glasses.

  “Um, I’m with two of my friends. I mean a friend and my dog.”

  She shrugged then let go of my arm. “Well, I appreciate the help, Mr. ... Freewill. Thank you.”

  “My pleasure.”

  She started to turn, heading in the opposite direction to where we were going, then stopped and cocked her head. “You may want to take your dog to the vet.”

  “I do?” I replied, eyes opening wide.

  “Yeah,” she said, once more turning away. “I can hear him limping ... among other things.”

  I managed to stifle a chuckle as she walked off. If only she could’ve seen Glen, she’d have instantly known he was long past the point where a veterinarian would do anything other than run away screaming.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “That chick was totally faking,” Tom said, drawing me from my reverie as we finally neared Sally’s building.

  “Huh?” I’d been stuck in thought the last minute or so, something nagging me in the back of my mind that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then again, a lot had happened in the past several hours. So it likely wasn’t surprising that something about this fuckery of a day was bothering me.

  “I said she was probably faking. You should have checked.”

  “How the fuck was I supposed to check?” I asked. “Wave my hand in front of her face like an asshole?”

  “No way. Everyone knows that trick. What you’ve gotta do is pull out your dick. Nobody expects that. If they give a reaction, they’re a fucking faker.”

  I was tempted to ask how he’d come to this revelation, then realized I didn’t actually want to know. “Pass. The cops might have instructions to turn their heads the other way at vampires running wild, but I’d prefer not to push my luck.”

  “Pussy.”

  “I have quite the opposite, unlike you, and I’d prefer to not have it flapping in the breeze in Soho. Now remember what we talked about.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  We made our way up to Sally’s floor without seeing any other souls, living or otherwise.

  That reminded me, I really needed to check on my aspiring coveners, but first things first. M
aking sure Sally was okay took priority.

  Her door was already open for us. I stepped aside to let Glen and Tom in ahead of me, pausing for one brief moment to glance at the wall opposite her apartment, which was now good as new – maybe even better. You’d have never guessed someone had been utterly pulped there less than a day ago.

  Needless to say, I knew who I was calling the next time my apartment got trashed.

  “Miss O’Connell,” Falcon’s voice greeted from inside. “I’ve heard a great deal about you. It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Shining... What the bloody hell is that?!”

  Oh yeah. I probably should’ve remembered that Glen looked like a walking nightmare before letting him saunter into a place where a wizard cop was waiting.

  “It’s okay, Matthias. That’s Glen and he’s just ... wearing a...”

  Christy’s voice caught my ear, especially the fact that we were back to Matthias again, so I quickly stepped inside. “It’s a disguise,” I finished for her, before lamely adding, “Still a work in progress.”

  “A work in progress?” Falcon asked, standing between Sally and Christy, and looking far too smug for my personal edification.

  “Bark!”

  “We, um, ran into some trouble with some stray dogs,” I replied, sounding not even remotely convincing.

  “Oh my god,” Christy cried. “What happened to your hand?”

  I held it up. “They were mighty big dogs.”

  “Ah, that explains it then,” Falcon said, looking disturbingly dapper despite the late hour. If there was one thing I hated more than a fucker, it was a kempt fucker. “For a moment there I thought you might be trying to reintroduce zombies into the current state of affairs – nasty business that it might be.”

  I remembered the way Boston had once used them, as clerical help of all things. Can’t say I would have minded an undead maid to keep my apartment tidy. “Wish I knew how.”

  “No,” Falcon said, approaching me. “You really don’t. Trust me on this, chap.”

  Well, that was far more ominous than expected. But fuck it. I wasn’t here for this turd in a teacup. Instead I stepped past him toward Sally. “Thank goodness you’re...”

  “Save it,” she replied, holding up a hand. “I’m fine. Just caught me by surprise. How about you? Did you manage to scare off those weirdos?”

  “You aren’t going to believe what those...”

  Grrr! Realizing that Tom was about to blow his load in front of Falcon, despite our talk on the way over, I quickly jumped in. “Stoned hippies ... just like Pop thought. It was all a big misunderstanding. You know how those tree huggers can be.” Realizing my acting was getting worse the more I spoke, I tried to change the subject. “Forget about them. False alarm, nothing more. What the hell happened to you and how did you get back here?”

  “I was explaining that to your lovely companions when you called,” Falcon replied. “It’s a failsafe built into the bracelet. Think of it like an extra clever GPS, friend. It tracks where you are. If you get too far away from where you’re supposed to be for too long, it activates and sends you right back to where you should be.”

  I glared at him, feeling my eyes blacken in the process. “And you didn’t think to tell us that?”

  “I was just apologizing to Miss Carlsbad about that oversight on my part. I didn’t think it was a consideration, as I’d set it to its maximum range. That’s more than enough to encompass the city and the surrounding boroughs. No offense, but I didn’t expect you lot to go traipsing out to the wilderness the moment I sent you on your way.”

  “We’re spontaneous like that.”

  “So I’m beginning to see. Anyway, we had ourselves a good sit down, cleared the air a bit. Next time you decide to go off on an adventure, just give me a call and it’ll all be aces.”

  I turned toward Sally. “And you’re okay with this? Asking for permission that is?”

  “It’s not permission,” Falcon said. “Think of it more like ... like letting your bank know before you go off on holiday. Therefore, all your cards work right when you get where you’re going. You know, don’t leave home without it?”

  “I know what that is.” However, there was only one person whose opinion on that mattered and it wasn’t his. I turned back toward Sally to see how much murder was showing on her face but was surprised to find it wasn’t much.

  She let out a sigh. “I’m not happy about it, but Matt makes a convincing argument. It’s to keep people safe. So, for now, I can deal.”

  Matt?

  Goddamn it! I so hated the British with their ... charm and sophistication!

  The only upside was that we’d apparently caught Falcon’s smarmy ass on the way out. Guess he wasn’t too big on sticking around once a real man made the scene.

  And no, I didn’t really buy that either, but I needed something to make me feel better, especially with both ladies in the room making goo goo eyes at the guy.

  “Now, if you’ll kindly pardon me,” he said. “I have a lot to do before morning – a mess to still clean up, not to mention some surveillance reports to go through. This doesn’t leave this room, but those vampire killings we talked about...” He glanced over at Tom, who was standing there chewing on his fingernails, then apparently dismissed him as anything other than a moron. “It seems I may have ruffled a few feathers in my investigation. The local constabulary has received more than a handful of death threats, all with my name attached to them.”

  “That ... sucks.”

  “Quite the contrary. Means the guilty party is nervous and I’m getting close. That’s a good thing in this business, chap.”

  “Hah,” Tom replied. “With us, that usually just means Bill’s about to get his ass kicked.”

  I shot him a dirty look, but Falcon was apparently too classy to acknowledge the dig at me.

  Or too preoccupied with a certain witch.

  “Christine, do be sure not to hold that particular incantation for long. The strain can sneak up on you.”

  “Incantation?”

  “It’s nothing important, Bill. Don’t worry about it,” she replied, before showing Falcon out.

  “Ladies,” he said as way of announcing his farewell. “Freewill, Shining One, um ... Glen.”

  “Later, dude,” Tom replied, sounding nonplussed. At least there was one female – sorta anyway – immune to Matthias’s insufferable charm.

  Christy closed the door, but I waited before saying anything – listening as Falcon’s footsteps reached the stairwell and started down.

  With him finally gone, I walked over to where Sally stood.

  “Listen, Bill,” she said. “It’s obvious you don’t like the guy, but even you have to admit he’s only trying to...”

  “That’s nice,” I interrupted. “But I have a better question. Like, when were you going to tell me that werewolves fucking exist?”

  DEAD CALM BEFORE THE STORM

  “Hold on, what?”

  “Exactly what I said. Back when I was first turned, you specifically told me werewolves were just make believe.”

  “You did,” Tom confirmed. “Bill told us all about it. Seriously bummed me out.”

  Sally raised an eyebrow at us both. “Did you morons huff from the same exhaust pipe again?”

  “They do in a sense,” Christy said, taking a seat on the couch. “Werewolves, not the exhaust pipe thing. I mean, we all know shapeshifters exist. The Jahabich were proof of that. And there are both nature spirits and some forms of fae that can assume animal forms.”

  “What about rednecks?” I asked her.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I’m talking naked, dueling banjos motherfuckers who turn into giant hairy monsters when some hillbilly witch shoots a magical moon into the sky.”

  Christy and Sally both stared blankly at me for several seconds, then Christy leaned back and closed both eyes as if deep in thought.

  Couldn’t blame her. This was a lot to take in.

 
“Sorry, dude,” Tom replied, “but I was there, and you still lost me in that pile of word vomit.”

  “Yeah, back up a bit,” Sally said. “What happened to the stoned...”

  I took a deep breath and sat down as well. “They were neither stoned nor hippies. I just didn’t want to say anything in front of Bird Boy.” I held up my mangled hand again. “Bottom line is, I wasn’t lying, but the dogs that chewed me up happened to weigh four hundred pounds and could stand on their hind legs.”

  I explained to them how things had rapidly gone downhill after Sally poofed away. Tom and Glen jumped in here and there to fill in the blanks or – in Glen’s case anyway – to explain how awesome it was to see the Freewill in action against the vile hounds of hell.

  “Damn. Can’t believe I missed all of that,” Sally said at last. “And you’re sure a Magi caused it?”

  “I don’t know if she did any of it, but one was there and she poofed up a full moon for these assholes.”

  “The moon?”

  “A glamour of it anyway, or so I assume.”

  “So she created an illusion of the moon and that caused them all to change? That doesn’t make any fucking sense. That’s like showing you a picture of the sun and hoping you burst into flames.”

  “Maybe not,” Christy said, opening her eyes again.

  “How so?”

  She turned to me. “I can’t believe I’m asking this, but what color did she glow right before casting?”

  “Hah! I knew you guys color-coordinated.”

  “Don’t be a dick to my woman,” Tom chided. “Just answer the damned question.”

  I glanced sidelong at him but decided not to take the bait. “Give me a second here. It was a little chaotic. I know she cast one of those force dome thingies around the same time, but that was to keep the wolves from attacking her.”

  “They attacked her?” Christy asked, eyes wide.

  “Yeah. It’s like she triggered them but didn’t actually control them. They were more like wild animals than people, except infinitely scarier and ... hold on. Yellow. Her hands glowed yellow and then she shot a blast of magic into the sky.”