Bill of the Dead (Book 2): Everyday Horrors

by Gualtieri, Rick

  “Easy in and out job. Sounds like your sex life.”

  “Yeah,” Tom agreed triumphantly. “But with someone else, not Christy.”

  I turned to glare at him, feeling my fangs descend. “Who do you think I was with before her?”

  A look of revulsion crossed his face. “Fuck me, Dude. Now I need another shower.”

  “Douche for a douchebag,” Sally replied.

  He turned toward her. “Speaking of which, I don’t suppose you know how to use...?”

  She stopped and glared at him. “Let me point out that you might be bulletproof, but that won’t stop me from emptying this revolver into your face if you even think of finishing that question.” She then turned my way. “And to answer you, no. I don’t have anything better.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously, Bill,” she said as we started walking again. “I hate to admit it, but I’m rusty as all hell with this crap. I mean, for the last five years I’ve been hiring counselors, running fundraisers, and managing budgets. You know how many people I’ve had to kill in that time? Zero. Up until I woke up looking like this, I figured that was going to be my body count until the day I died.”

  “Hey, at least you’ve still got all your good parts,” Tom replied. “I miss my dick.”

  “That probably makes you the only person on Earth with that particular issue.”

  “Although having tits is kinda fun.”

  “Dear God, we are so fucked if the world needs you to save it again.”

  Despite the tiredness in my bones and the gnawing hunger growing inside me, I managed to smile.

  Maybe we didn’t have a plan, but we had each other. And truth of the matter was, if I had to choose one over the other, I knew which one that would be.

  “Um, Bill?” Sally asked after another moment, as we neared our destination.

  “What?”

  “You notice anything weird here?”

  Weird was such a subjective term these days. Nevertheless, I took a quick look around. The street around us was quiet, true. But it was pretty late and, New York’s reputation as the city that never sleeps aside, a lot of the residents here likely had to get up and go to work in the morning. I turned my attention to the block ahead, the darkness no issue for my vampire vision, and saw the chain link fence leading to Falcon’s pier.

  All looked normal to me.

  “Who turned out the lights?” Tom asked after a moment.

  I turned to glance at him and caught the glow coming from Sally’s eyes. That caused me to take a closer look at my surroundings. The buildings around us were dark, again not exactly a shocker at this time of night. But so were the streetlights. I simply hadn’t picked up on it, being way too distracted by both the mission and my hunger to pay attention.

  “It’s gotta be a coincidence,” I said.

  “Do we really ever get that lucky?”

  I turned toward Sally, her eyes green orbs of luminescence staring back at me. “There’s a first time for everything.”

  Yeah, I didn’t buy that either. I spun back the way we’d come. Interestingly enough, the streetlights a block further up were all on. Likewise, I could see lit doorways of the buildings on either side of the road.

  It was only here, close to both the Hudson and our destination, that the power was out. It might’ve still been a coincidence but, if so, it was an oddly specific one.

  “Reach out with your senses, Bill,” she told me.

  “Why? I can already tell the power’s out.”

  “Yes, Sherlock, but if other shit is afoot – like, oh, I dunno, dead bodies everywhere – that might give us a bit of a clue, don’t you think?”

  “You know, you could have just said that without the editorial.”

  “Well aware.”

  I knew it was no longer pc to call her a bitch, but at least I was safe in my mind to think it. However, right as she was to be cautious, I still hesitated. What if I did smell blood ... delicious wonderful blood? It was only a few weeks ago that I’d been out with Ed, only to watch as he went absolutely apeshit on some homeless guy, all because he was hungry.

  Sure, whatever was in him had been starving for five years, so maybe that was an extreme example, but even so. Who was to say I might not lose my mind, only to end up licking the sidewalk clean next to a dead body? I mean, gross as that imagery should’ve been, it was kinda tempting, too.

  “I can activate my Icon senses if you want.”

  Sally looked at Tom sidelong, the expression on her face not a kind one. “Do you even have Icon senses?”

  “Um ... maybe.”

  “I sincerely doubt that, since you can’t even smell your own bullshit.”

  I guess it was up to me. Bracing myself internally so that I didn’t go running off like some hungry dog after a steak, I took a deep breath.

  As usual, the first thing to hit me were the overarching scents of the city – most of which weren’t particularly pleasant. I swear, it seemed I never had a reason to do this when we were next to something good like a bakery.

  Dirt, asphalt, the Hudson, blah blah blah. All of that was meaningless as my olfactory nerves worked to dig deeper.

  I readied myself. Blood, even faint traces of it, tended to hit my nose hard. Go figure. In some ways, vampires were like land sharks. Don’t get me wrong, I doubted the fallout from a week-old nosebleed was going to set me off like a starving hyena. However, if there were fresh corpses about – the more the merrier – that was going to be like ringing the dinner bell.

  Much to my relief, though, I didn’t pick up anything. Well, okay, there was Tom and his ... um, time of the month. Thankfully, that was a horrific enough thought to scare even the creature inside of me back to silence. I think even Dr. Death had enough self-respect to choose starvation over sucking on one of Tom’s used maxi pads.

  That sobering thought aside, I realized there was definitely something on the wind – multiple somethings as a matter of fact. It wasn’t blood, but some of it was familiar nevertheless. “Vampires.”

  “This Char person?” Sally asked.

  “Doubt it. She knows how to mask her scent.”

  “Your nerd herd?”

  “Not sure. I recruited them, but to be honest I didn’t spend a lot of time sniffing them.”

  “Can’t say I blame you on that one. Any idea how many we’re talking about?”

  I raised an eyebrow at her. “You’re just trolling me now, aren’t you?”

  “Only partially. You really should know this stuff.”

  “What was that you said about being rusty?”

  “Touché.”

  “Over there!” Tom cried.

  I turned to find him pulling out one of Ed’s action figures. In that same moment, his aura ignited.

  Pity the idiot did so while I was less than five feet away.

  I didn’t think, I just dove toward the middle of the street. Thank goodness it was late enough for traffic to be nonexistent, otherwise I’d have been flattened for my troubles.

  Rolling to my feet, safely out of range of Tom’s faith aura, my eyes opened wide at the sight before me – although it wasn’t at whatever Tom was pointing at.

  His aura had ignited normally. If anything, it looked the same as I’d seen Sheila do countless times before, although she was usually holding a sword and not a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Fashion accessories aside, it was more Sally’s presence that made me want to consider shitting a brick.

  Rather than immolating her or even knocking her back, it was as if Tom’s faith aura had hit a wall instead, visibly stopping a couple of feet short of touching her. Weirder still, where the aura touched whatever invisible barrier was around Sally, the energy flickered a dark green ... not unlike her hair.

  What was powerful enough to stop faith magic?

  Neither of them seemed to notice this phenomenon, their attention directed elsewhere. I was about to say something when suddenly Tom’s aura went out, as surely as if he’d turne
d off a light switch.

  Was it because of...?

  “My bad,” he said, all caution gone from his voice. “It’s just Christy.”

  Sure enough, with the blinding glow from his power now gone, I could see past him to where Christy was stepping out from between two buildings and heading our way.

  “Thanks,” I said, dusting myself off. “I appreciate you almost blasting me over a false alarm.”

  “Sorry. I saw a flash of light and freaked out.”

  I guess I couldn’t entirely blame him. Tom’s idiocy aside, he likely had some instincts going on inside of him that reacted to Magi as well as vamps. After all, historically speaking, Icons were pretty much the bane of both our species.

  Ah, how the mighty had fallen.

  Tempting as it was to discuss what had just happened, I was more concerned with Christy. She looked absolutely exhausted. I could only hope she was no longer dividing her attention between here and Brooklyn.

  “Sorry it took me so long,” she said, breathing hard. “I wanted to work up a glamour to make Glen look a bit less ... disturbing, in case Tina woke up.”

  “Should have left him like he was,” I joked. “She’d never ever bug you about wanting a pet again.”

  Christy smiled then said, “I hope I didn’t keep you all waiting.”

  Sally shook her head. “We just got here ourselves.”

  “Yeah,” Tom replied. “As far as rescue parties go, we kinda suck.”

  Sadly, no one among us could really dispute that.

  “Any luck reaching Falcon?”

  “I kept trying. No answer.”

  That didn’t bode well. I had a feeling we’d dallied long enough. “So how about it, vampire hunters, shall we go hunt some vampires?”

  “Vampires?” Christy asked, “as in plural?”

  “Bill smelled some in the area,” Sally explained.

  “Ours?”

  “Same question I asked.”

  “And same answer,” I added. “I’m not sure, so why don’t we keep our fingers crossed and find out?”

  That was as good of a pep talk as I had inclination to give. But it was enough to get us all moving again toward the chain link fence separating our reality from the magical mystical wonderland of casa de Falcon.

  “All looks quiet,” Tom remarked as we reached the gate.

  “Glamour, remember?”

  “Oh, yeah. But seriously, how good could an illusion really be? I mean, if all hell was breaking loose inside, there’s no way we wouldn’t notice.”

  “Good enough,” I replied as the air shimmered around us to indicate we were passing through, “that nobody called the cops on our asses last time we were...”

  My voice trailed off as reality took over from the fantasy presented to the rest of the world.

  But that was okay. I doubted anyone would’ve heard me anyway over the sounds of chaos and destruction going on just ahead of us.

  Tom was wrong.

  All hell was breaking loose, and we’d just stepped right into the middle of it.

  HITTING ON THE DOCK OF THE BAY

  I just had to be full of myself, didn’t I?

  It’s just one vampire, I repeated in my head. We were bringing a tank to a knife fight.

  I should’ve known fate would reward my lack of screaming paranoia with a good solid kick to the balls.

  I’d latched onto the smell of vamps just minutes earlier, mostly because I could identify them, when what I should have focused on were the smells I couldn’t put a face to.

  Oh shit.

  Falcon’s warehouse was under assault. A purplish force dome had been conjured around it, flaring up with every hit it took. For the moment it was holding, but I had to imagine the strain was immense. The place was huge and the ... things attacking it all looked intent on the task at hand. Considering Falcon’s resources, I had a feeling he wasn’t powering this thing entirely by himself. No way was that possible. Some Magi were strong, but their reserves weren’t limitless by any stretch.

  But even with help, I doubted the force field would hold for long.

  The vampires were the easiest to pick out, mostly because they looked human. They didn’t move like humans, though, jumping and slashing at the barrier, while others tore up the asphalt as I’d done earlier and used it as projectiles.

  On the upside, I didn’t see my coven among their number, thank goodness, but I did notice one strange thing. All of the vamps in sight wore black armbands – just like those assholes I’d fought a few nights back.

  “What the fuck?” Tom blurted out.

  He wasn’t wrong either. Oddly enough, the swarm of vampires was the most normal thing about this. Mixed in with them, running around like a pack of psychotic red-headed stepchildren, were a bunch of those proto-leprechauns.

  Not good, as those things had been small but tough as fuck.

  They weren’t the only weirdos in the bunch, though. Standing out among them, like proverbial sore thumbs, were what appeared to be scaly bioluminescent fish men – like a Hollywood effects team was asked to update The Creature from the Black Lagoon but decided to drop acid first.

  Needless to say, nobody was going to confuse these things with the little mermaid anytime soon.

  Sadly, if my subconscious had any clue what they were, it kept that information to itself.

  “This isn’t good,” Christy said, stating the blindingly obvious.

  “You don’t say,” Sally replied.

  “No. You don’t understand. Look at them.”

  “I am. Kinda wishing I’d brought more bullets.”

  “Me, too,” I replied.

  “I mean really look at them.” Christy turned to me. “Remember the other night when we ran into the a'chiad dé danann?”

  “Kinda hard to forget.”

  “They were feral, chaotic.”

  “That’s one word for it.”

  “Look at them now. Do they look like they’re randomly destroying everything in their path?”

  Recognition dawned as she spoke. Oh shit. “No. They all look like they’re ... working together?”

  “Exactly. Them, the vampires, and those ... other things.”

  Our resident expert on the paranormal was referring to a group of monsters as things. That was pretty much the opposite of reassuring.

  Either way, she was right. Gone was the chaotic element that had seemingly driven the leprechauns the other night. Back then, they’d seemed more interested in eating absolutely everything they could stuff into their creepy troglodyte mouths.

  Rather than snacking on the vamps they were fighting alongside, though, they actually seemed to be coordinating with them.

  Same with the glowing gill-men. Disney movies aside, I had no idea how creatures with gaping fanged filled mouths that looked more suited to catching trout than talking could even communicate. I mean, what? Did they glow brighter, once for yes twice for no?

  Alas, that was all elementary. How these guys shot the shit wasn’t the issue, so much as the fact that they’d all be shitting Falcon feathers soon if we didn’t save a certain wizard’s ass.

  The warehouse shield flared again, as if to drive this point home. Whatever was powering it was apparently an industrial model compared to Christy’s spell, as it seemed to be holding even the leprechauns at bay ... for now. But we were fooling ourselves if we thought it would hold indefinitely.

  Too bad I had no idea how to...

  “What’s the plan, Bill?”

  And just like that, my idiot roommate had elected me as the one to figure it out. I swear, if I didn’t think I’d burst into flames, I’d punch his fucking lights out.

  Great, now they were all looking at me. Wonderful. I had to think quick and come up with something that wouldn’t get my friends insta-killed and leave Tina an orphan. Oh yeah, no pressure there.

  Vampires are a known quantity. As for the a'chiad dé danann, some legends claim they abhor water.

  “Thanks, subcon
scious,” I replied for some reason. “What about those fish fuckers?”

  “Who the hell are you talking to?” Sally asked.

  “Um, just thinking out loud.” Sadly, Dr. Death was once more silent on the subject of gill-men. Guess he wasn’t a fish and chips kind of guy. Still, he’d given me something to work with. Now to hope it wasn’t bullshit meant to fuck me up the ass.

  Sadly, I had a choice to either trust his advice or make shit up on my own, something that didn’t seem altogether wise.

  “Okay, here’s the plan. We know about vampires, how they fight and how they can be killed.” I gestured to Sally. “Take Tom and do what you can to thin the herd.” I turned to Christy next. “You need to keep those leprechauns busy. Try to...”

  She shook her head. “We both saw what they did with my magic the other night. They...”

  “Hit them indirectly then, shockwaves, explosions, that sort of stuff. Force them back if you can. They don’t like the water. Filthy little fuckers were probably born before baths were invented.”

  Christy narrowed her eyes at me. “How do you know that?”

  “I ... honestly, I’m not sure. But I’ll explain later and maybe we can figure it out.”

  She nodded, albeit reluctantly, but it was obvious we didn’t have time to hash this shit out now. Still, there was one additional thing I could offer. “Don’t go crazy. Call your shots wisely. Don’t let them wear you down.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “No. You’re not.”

  Christy glared at me for a moment, but then it softened as she hopefully realized I was just worried about her. After a moment, she nodded again.

  “What about you?” Sally asked.

  I was about to tell her of my plans for a fishing expedition, when something else caught my attention – movement in my periphery. Glancing that way, I saw a lone figure heading toward the battle from the far edge of the dock. It was hard to tell, even with my night vision, but I would’ve bet there was something covering the top half of their face.

  “I’ll join you guys as soon as I can. I think I just found the ringleader of this asshole circus.”

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Our assignments doled out, I took off at vampire speed, hoping to flank Char before she saw me coming. She seemed focused on the siege going on ahead of her, so I might’ve made it had Sally waited a few more seconds to see if her marksmen skills were still up to snuff.