Bill of the Dead (Book 2): Everyday Horrors

by Gualtieri, Rick

  “The fuck was that for?!”

  Apparently, the same could be said for at least one of my friends, too, as I spied Tom scrambling back to his feet, aura or not, and looking none too happy about it. On the upside, a few of the fish creatures nearest him were now burning like tiki torches.

  Regardless of that, I couldn’t help the chill creeping down my spine. I’d thought myself mistaken the other day, back at Christy’s apartment, but it hadn’t been Tom’s shitty control after all. Sally’s power had actually cut through his faith aura like butter. What the fuck could do something like that?

  Sadly, that was probably the least of our worries. Whatever the fuck Sally had just done had blown right through Falcon’s warehouse shield, too, canceling it out like an unwanted magazine subscription. Gone was the purplish force dome, as if it had never been there. The structure itself was undamaged, but I had a sinking feeling that wouldn’t be the case for much longer.

  As for Sally, she was somehow still on her feet – the air around her shimmering, as if it were a cold day and she was standing atop a hot grill.

  The fish creatures had pretty much shredded her blouse, leaving her upper half clad only in an overpriced bra. However, though her skin was still stained with blood, there was no trace of the wounds she’d sustained. She was once again whole.

  “FOUL DENIZENS OF THE DEPTHS,” she cried in a voice that echoed across the dock. “YOU WOULD DARE LAY YOUR UNCLEAN HANDS UPON THE HERALD OF THE GREAT BEAST?!”

  And if that wasn’t ominous as all hell, I didn’t know what was.

  BEAST WARS

  I wasn’t exactly a newb when it came to weird shit. Same for my friends. If anything, my life had somehow turned into one of those CW superhero shows in which, over the course of a few seasons, somehow everyone I knew had joined my former one-man crusade to fight crime.

  Problem was, the last couple of weeks had proven to be my personal Flashpoint, with the rules having abruptly changed.

  For example, when someone talked smack to a bunch of monsters, usually one of two things happened: either they served up a plate of ass-kicking or got their butts handed to them. All in all, it was a pretty simple equation.

  These days, however, our opponents seemed fond of checking off D – none of the above – when it came to situations we should’ve been able to call with our eyes closed.

  The unlikely alliance of freaky ass monsters slowly clambered back to their feet, those nearest me as covered in the guts of their buddies as I was. Meantime, Sally’s eyes continued to glow a sickly green as the air around her shimmered – despite giving off no heat that I could discern.

  I expected the standoff to end with either us or a lot of fish monsters dead. Instead, though, the creatures all bowed their heads ... as if in subservience.

  Okay, this is getting really fucking weird now.

  They weren’t alone either. The other two factions: vampires and proto-leprechauns alike, stopped what they were doing to turn Sally’s way and lower their gaze.

  Thankfully, Tom was on the ball where I wasn’t – and he wasn’t above doling out a whole basket of cheap shots.

  “Eat all the cocks, motherfuckers!”

  His aura reignited as he held one of Ed’s toys aloft, and then he plowed into a trio of vamps, instantly dusting them.

  Elsewhere, a section of pavement exploded in red fire, sending leprechauns flying.

  I pulled my attention away from Sally long enough to see Christy. She was standing about fifteen yards away, atop an old dumpster that was lying on its side. She looked almost as exhausted as I felt, albeit considerably less bloody, but she was still somehow in the fight.

  I waved at her, to which she pointed and shouted, “The warehouse! They’re going to get in!”

  “On it,” I cried back, before adding, in a much softer voice, “In a second anyway.”

  Almost as if being reminded of their goal, the remaining beasts all turned back toward Falcon’s abode, once again ignoring us.

  Or most of us anyway.

  I couldn’t help but notice those in the immediate vicinity were now giving Sally a wide berth as they marched past.

  “Um, Sally?” I tentatively asked. “You in there?”

  It was slow going getting back up. My arms were tingling, the feeling beginning to return to them as my healing compensated for the poison in my system, but they were still close to useless. Likewise, my head was all fuzzy, although I had a feeling that was more hunger related. Either way, I was in shit shape.

  Sally slowly turned toward me, her eyes still aglow, and a look on her face that appeared bereft of anything resembling humanity.

  Oh crap.

  And then she blinked and, in the space of a second, everything changed.

  The air stopped shimmering around her, the glow left her eyes, and a look of confusion replaced the inhuman contempt that had been plastered across her face.

  She looked down at herself, bloody and half-dressed, then met my eyes. “What the fuck just happened?”

  “I was kind of hoping you could tell me.”

  She shook her head. “One minute, a whole school of those ugly bastards were in my face. Now...” she gestured around us, the creatures continuing to avoid going anywhere near where she stood.

  I didn’t have long to dally but fuck it. At the end of the day, Sally rated higher in my book than Falcon – even if most of this was my fault.

  “Do you remember the great beast?”

  “What the hell is a great beast? And, no, don’t tell me that’s what you call your dick.”

  “Well...” Okay, that wasn’t helping, especially as I could now hear the sound of leprechaun teeth gnawing through the metal siding of the warehouse.

  “Bill! Hurry! I don’t have much left.”

  “On it,” I call backed to Christy.

  Sally made a small whipping motion but then grinned. “Shall we crash this party, partner?”

  “No,” I replied, not believing I was saying this. “Sorry, but the party’s over for you. You need to stand down.” She narrowed her eyes, no doubt readying to blast me with some snark. “I mean it. You just went all Zuul on these things. I don’t know what the fuck that was, but until we figure it out, you’re benched.”

  “But...”

  “Go. Cover Christy’s back but stay out of combat.”

  “You can’t be...”

  “I’m serious,” I growled back at her, putting as much adult into my voice as I could.

  I didn’t wait for a response, whether it be in the form of insult or hurt feelings. Instead I took off, my arms still flopping about like I was trying to take flight rather than run. But whatever. In the course of the last few minutes, this business had just gotten a shit-ton more personal. I’d be damned if I was going to drag my friend into more danger, not knowing who or what was in her head with her.

  “I don’t suppose I have any idea what the Great Beast is,” I asked myself as I ran, putting on speed as I headed to where the leprechauns were busy gnawing their way in.

  Sadly, if Dr. Death had any insight, he wasn’t in a sharing mood.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  I doubted the sheet metal walls of Falcon’s nest would stop the hungry teeth of those little troglodytes for more than a few seconds. Fortunately, I had a faster route, one not available to the two foot terrors.

  A row of windows was situated about eight feet off the ground. They all appeared boarded up from the inside, but in the never-ending battle of vampire versus plywood, I knew who I’d put my money on.

  “Coming through, you hungry little shits!”

  If the leprechauns took offense, they gave no indication, laser-focused as they were on the task ahead – with no sign of their previous gleeful chaos.

  Yeah, no doubt about it. Something was controlling these fuckers. Everything about them was too robotic. Don’t get me wrong, these things alone had almost overrun Christy and me just the other day. So perhaps a bit less chaos in my life wasn’t e
ntirely a bad thing.

  Still, the fact that there was a puppet master pulling their strings was not a warm fuzzy in my book, especially since whatever mojo was being used absolutely blew the shit out of a good old fashioned compulsion, enough to almost blow my freaking head off.

  And then there was what had just happened to Sally. I had no clue what the fuck that was, but one thing was clear – these things, even with their marching orders, didn’t want any piece of it.

  Yeah, shit had rapidly gotten real again and then some. It was almost enough to make me miss the days when the worst I had to look forward to was dealing with Colin – almost.

  Before I could worry about any of that, though, there was a baby bird in need of saving, one with a killer porno stache.

  Hopefully he didn’t have a readied action to blast whoever was first inside. Sadly, there wasn’t time to stop and announce myself, even if I wanted to.

  Though I was putting everything I had into it, I was slowing down nevertheless. My tank was nearly empty.

  Fortunately, I was close enough that it didn’t matter. I leapt, using whatever was left in my legs to propel me over the heads of the leprechauns, so I could ... totally misgauge the jump.

  Fuck me!

  I wasn’t the most coordinated guy on the planet to begin with, and now – with floppy arms and a head full of cotton – I was about as adept as one might expect.

  And it wasn’t like it was a small window either. But no, I slammed right into the side of the building anyway, sliding down off it like a bug on a windshield.

  I landed right in front of a group of those Lucky Charms eating assholes, their blocky teeth looking mighty terrifying this close up.

  Had these dickheads been of their right mind, I’d have likely had just enough time to rue what a stupid idea this had been before becoming a pile of corned beef.

  Thankfully, they were all still acting like good little puppets. So, I instead found myself next to an opening the little shitheads had just finished chewing through the wall, and with enough hesitation on their part to make good use of it.

  It was a tight fit, but I was in no position to complain. It was either be killed or roll my ass in and try not to worry about the jagged metal as it ripped my arms to shreds.

  On the upside, at least they were still partly numb from the poison.

  Once inside, I got to my feet as quickly as I could, planning to kick the shit out of any of the little buggers who were hot on my tail...

  And instead got to experience the less than wonderful sensation of something solid slamming into the back of my head.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  “Ow! The fuck?” I cried, looking down at what had hit me and seeing, of course, a partially smashed potato.

  I turned and found Falcon standing behind a makeshift barrier of broken furniture, a bag of spuds in hand.

  “My apologies, Freewill,” he said, still sounding annoyingly dapper. “I thought you were one of them.”

  “They’re like two fucking feet tall.”

  “I know, but try listening to that infernal gnawing for more than a few minutes without going a tad batty.”

  Okay, I was willing to give him that one, especially once I felt tiny little hands grasping at my ankles as the leprechauns began forcing their way in after me.

  “Shit!” I picked up the potato that had hit me and flung it at the grasping hands, watching it bounce harmlessly off the sheet metal as I missed. Fuck!

  “Pop on over here and help me out, if you’d be so inclined. There’s plenty of room for company.”

  I kicked one of the little demons in the face, leaving a footprint in its forehead. Sadly, that wouldn’t slow it down for long.

  Quickly, before any more of its buddies could follow, I hightailed it to where Falcon was entrenched. Truth of the matter was, he’d done pretty well with what he had to work with. It was like a defensible garbage fort, with an area around it cleared so as to not obstruct his aim. Fuck it, I wasn’t too proud to share it with the guy.

  I hopped over the barrier and landed on unsteady feet, listening to the crunch of metal as the leprechauns continued to widen the opening.

  Falcon had been right. I could see how that could get maddening after a while. Still, it was probably a good thing. This close to him, I could smell the scent of his blood. Minus the incessant crunching, I had a feeling I’d be able to hear his heart pumping the sweet deliciousness through his veins.

  Magi blood was full of all the vitamins and minerals a growing vamp needed for this nutritious breakfast. And it was right there for the taking. All I had to do was...

  No, I reminded myself. No snacking on the wizard I was there to save. Focus, Bill!

  “Seems like you’ve had a bit of a day since last I saw you,” Falcon said, looking me over.

  “It’s getting there.”

  “I understand what you mean.” He handed me a spud. “It’s not exactly a pint, but right now it’s probably the best I can offer.”

  I grabbed it in a shaky hand, then turned and lobbed it as a pair of leprechauns charged us.

  The potato went flying off into the darkness, nowhere near its mark. Stupid poisoned arms.

  Thankfully, Falcon was on the ball, lobbing two in quick succession, and leaving the leprechauns with mashed potato-filled holes where their faces used to be.

  “Um, nice throw.”

  “Thanks. Used to play rugby. Handy skill to have.”

  “No doubt.”

  He glanced down at my still twitching arms. “I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you had a scrap with the apkallu out there.”

  “The apkallu?”

  “Yes, indeed. Way back in the day they used to bugger around in ancient Babylonia, making right bastards of themselves to any unfortunate sailors they caught.”

  “Fascinating to know. So any idea why these alpaca...”

  “Apkallu.”

  “Whatever the fuck. Any idea why they decided to ditch Mesopotamia in favor of Manhattan.”

  “That, friend, is the big question.” He tossed the rest of the potatoes, five in total, into the air in the same moment he cast a spell. The spuds began to swirl around us in a circular pattern. Then, one shot out at lightning speed as another leprechaun got in and raced forward.

  I let out a whistle of appreciation. “Motion detecting potato cannon spell. Handy.”

  “A little bit of homebrew sorcery on my part. Nothing but a party trick in any other circumstance, but handy as can be right now.”

  “Any port in a storm. Speaking of which, we know about these leprechaun assholes, but how do we deal with those fish fucks?”

  Falcon shrugged uncomfortably. “Sad to say, but I was in the middle of looking that up when my shield unexpectedly fizzled. Damnedest thing.”

  “Yeah ... damnedest thing.” I figured it might be best to not mention Sally, great beasts, or anything else potentially incriminating.

  “Looks like we’re in for a fight then. Lucky for me you chaps were in the area. By the way, what brings you out...”

  “Oh, that? Um, well, we had a few questions about Sally’s bracelet, but then you weren’t picking up so we figured it was a nice night and all.”

  “What questions?”

  Think fast, Bill. “You know, for the life of me, I can’t remember right now. Getting the shit kicked out of me tends to do that.”

  “That it does, chum. How are you holding up, by the way, if I might ask?”

  I lifted my hands. They were still shaking, but mostly controllable. “Getting there.” Left unsaid was the fact that I was barely keeping myself from tearing his throat out. “How’s things with you?”

  “A bit knackered, but I’ll make do.”

  “Hey, color me impressed, man. Holding up that shield for so long, I’m surprised you can even stand.”

  Thwppt! Another potato shot out, fucking up a leprechaun’s day with a solid hit to the chest.

  To my surprise, Falcon actually let out a
laugh. “Oh, that wasn’t me. No. If that were the case, I’d be positively legless. Had an Orb of Amun-Ra handy for just such an emergency.”

  “Orb of...”

  “Think of it like a short-term magical battery, or back-up genny as you lot might call it.”

  Thwppt!

  I couldn’t help but notice our supply of potatoes was running low, and second shots were unlikely as the ones that hit home dissolved along with their targets. “I don’t suppose you have any more of those orb thingies lying about.”

  He inclined his head, looking a wee bit embarrassed. “Sad to say, no. And somehow those blighters managed to deactivate all of my wards while I was out. I just barely managed to make it back inside before they caught me.”

  Oh yeah, no doubt about it. My karma was in the shitter as far as this guy went. On the flip side, it’s not like biting him would really make things worse. Oh yeah. If anything, it would be a small mercy, saving him from a horrific death at the hands of... “No!”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Sorry, thinking out loud. What I meant to ask is, so what happens when we run out of potatoes?”

  Thwppt!

  Thwppt!

  We glanced at each other as the last two shot out into the warehouse, taking down a pair of leprechauns. Too bad at least five more of the little fuckers had made it in before that last volley, with likely more on the way.

  “Please tell me you have another bag somewhere.”

  “Fresh out,” Falcon said, looking far less collected than I’d seen him up until now. “I don’t suppose you’d care to make a run to the corner store for some more.”

  LUCKY HARMS

  I kicked out at the nearest leprechaun, sending it flying off into the debris littering this place. Fuck me! It was like slamming my foot into a bag of wet cement. The goddamned things might be small, but they were built to last.