Bill of the Dead (Book 2): Everyday Horrors

by Gualtieri, Rick

  “Nah, it’s cool, man. Falcon is right there chilling out.”

  James stepped up to where a semi-transparent Falcon sat smoking a fatty and waved a hand right through the wizard’s head, dissipating him. Shit, one hallucination taking out another. That was meta as fuck.

  “Dude, you just smoked his ass.”

  “I need you to focus,” he said, snapping his illusory fingers in front of my face. “The blood of the a'chiad is apparently acting as a strong hallucinogenic right now. I need not tell you how unwise it was to ingest it, but what’s done is done. Regardless, your healing should be able to compensate enough for you to complete your mission.”

  “I have no idea what the fuck you just said.”

  Illusion James stepped aside and pointed to the far end of the warehouse. Near the wall, I could see flashes of light as another Falcon was busy casting spells at a group of creepy circus midgets for whatever reason. “That is the real Matthias Falcon, although I dare say he won’t be real for much longer unless you implement your plan.”

  “Why doesn’t he just ... what’s the word, zap the fuck out of there?”

  “Have you not been paying attention? The a'chiad dé danann are magical parasites. They feed upon eldritch energy, enough so that certain spells are impossible with them in close quarters. And, even if he could escape, I sense a certain nobility within our dear Mentor Falcon. It’s quite possible he understands that doing so could doom you and your friends.”

  “You could have just said he can’t. Anyway, what was my plan again?”

  Hallucinatory James raised a hand to the bridge of his nose and shook his head. “Water. It’s said these creatures have a weakness to it.”

  “Oh yeah. Um ... what weakness?” Little by little, I was noticing the weirdness around me starting to subside. No doubt my vamp healing was picking up steam. Even so, there was still a lot of weird going on, like the fact that Falcon didn’t have any wings. Oh wait. That’s the way he normally was.

  “Alas, I do not know,” James replied. “Our archives were vast, but my time spent studying them was ultimately limited compared to my exploration of this vast world. All I can recall is reading a quick mention of it.”

  Of course it couldn’t be that easy. But I guess that would have to do. I tried to focus on where Falcon, the real one anyway, continued to battle the proto-leprechauns. I could do this. He was counting on me.

  I prepared to launch myself that way before I could be distracted by anything else ... like, for instance, a nearby dresser that had suddenly grown several pairs of perfectly shaped tits. “Heh. They look like Christy’s.”

  “Focus, Dr. Death!”

  “Sorry.” I ignored the busty dresser and narrowed my eyes in Falcon’s direction.

  “Good luck, my friend.”

  A brief moment of clarity cut through the haze of being stoned outta my gourd, giving me a second to remember the loss I felt at James’s death. A single tear slid down my cheek – either that or another piece of furniture had spit in my face. “Hey, James. I know this shit isn’t real. But I wanted to let you know I really miss you.”

  “Fret not, Dr. Death, for a part of me shall always be with you. Oh, and call me the Wanderer if you please. I always did rather favor that name.”

  I turned back to thank him, but he was gone – my vamp healing finally forcing reality to start asserting itself around me.

  Break time was over. It was time to end this battle, one way or the other.

  ♦ ♦ ♦

  Tackling one person could be tricky enough, especially moving at vamp speed. Tackling a foursome of tiny little creeps all at once was closer to a pipe dream. Fortunately, whatever spell these things were under didn’t make them the most perceptive fuckers on the planet.

  That and I found a curtain rod that had somehow survived Sally’s power. It wasn’t all that sturdy, but I didn’t need it to hold for long. The important thing was it was nice and wide.

  Not a moment too soon, either, as Falcon’s back was up against the wall. He looked absolutely exhausted, whereas the leprechauns advancing upon him looked good as new – which wasn’t all that good, but it was still more than he could handle.

  That was the problem with the Magi. They were walking artillery but had limited ammo before their load was spent. And Falcon looked spent. I could only hope he had a little bit left in him, because if not we were going to be utterly fucked.

  “Heads up!” I cried, racing toward him, the bar held out before me.

  He looked my way, confusion etched onto his face.

  No real surprise there as I hadn’t bothered to explain what I had planned, being busy getting stoned on leprechaun juice as I’d been.

  “Go high!” was all I had time to scream before I closed in, lowering the bar enough that I was certain I was going to over-balance and face plant before I made it.

  But somehow I managed to keep moving.

  As for Falcon, he apparently got the hint – making a mad dive over me, the bar, and the heads of the leprechauns just as I slammed into them, pinning the evil little knuckle draggers to the wall.

  Had I still been juiced up on vampire blood, I’d have likely had enough steam to plow straight through. As it was, though, I barely had enough to put a dent in the metal siding, much less hold the leprechauns in place for long.

  “Blast us with whatever you’ve got left,” I cried.

  “Move out of the way, Freewill.”

  “There’s no time.” I wasn’t lying either. The curtain rod was already deforming as the murderous little freaks tried to squirm free. “Now! Do it!”

  I saw the flash from my periphery, casting our shadows against the wall. Knowing what it meant, I closed my eyes and braced myself for the end.

  This was likely it. I was spent, done, finished. The only thing keeping me on my feet was a rapidly fading drug rush. No way was I going to survive a fireball, or any other killing magic for that matter.

  What a way to go, I considered. All this time, I’d been making it a point to get the hell out of the way whenever a Magi opened fire. Yet here I was now, asking one to fry me at point blank range.

  The hair on the back of my neck stood on end as I felt the tingle of power.

  Here it comes.

  In the next instant, it was as if the Giants’ entire defensive lineup plowed into me from behind. There was no heat, no sensation of blowing up or being electrocuted. But goddamn if it wasn’t like being hit by a truck.

  And a big truck it apparently was, as both me and the leprechauns were instantly flattened against the side of the structure.

  Ouch.

  The outer wall let out a groan of tortured metal and then gave way, right as I was certain I was about to become a human pancake.

  The next second found me in freefall, but only for a moment or two before I landed in the cold, not even remotely clean waters of the Hudson. Thank goodness vampires couldn’t drown, because I was lucky to be able to dog paddle in my current shape.

  But this wasn’t about me.

  It was all about the guests I’d brought along to this impromptu pool party.

  Whatever spell or compulsion had been controlling the leprechauns seemed to have been instantly broken because, rather than accept their fate with quiet dignity, they all began to screech in panic as they desperately tried to clamber up onto the section of wall that had fallen in with us.

  Too bad for them the heavy metal siding wasn’t particularly buoyant. It went down quickly and so did they, desperate bubbles of air breaking the surface as they disappeared from sight.

  Sadly, they weren’t alone. Exhausted as I was, keeping my head above water was near impossible. After another moment, I slipped beneath the surface with them. It was ... unpleasant to say the least, and I made a mental note to try not to swallow any needles or used condoms that happened to float past.

  The upside was that my night vision cut through the gloom a bit, enough for me to see what fate awaited the leprechauns.


  Amazingly enough, the answer was far more mundane than I would’ve expected. They didn’t dissolve or explode – which was good considering my close proximity. They simply sank, their squat bodies and short limbs effectively making them little more than angry little anchors.

  But hey, that worked, provided they weren’t like me and didn’t have a particular need to breathe. If so, all I’d have done was piss them off, which seemed to be my unique specialty in the world of the supernatural.

  One after another, the proto-leprechauns continued to sink until they were out of sight, leaving me alone in the dark waters.

  There came a splash from above, making me wonder if I might have to duck some more debris, but then I saw another of the creatures – the one I’d bitten – flailing about as it sank. Guess Falcon was being thorough in his house cleaning. Smart. Now to figure out how to...

  What the?

  Just as the final leprechaun was busy sinking past me, the waters in the immediate area seemed to light up as if someone had turned on a high-powered beacon. Problem was, it was coming from below.

  Wondering if maybe these fucking things exploded on a delay, I glanced downward and ... was suddenly glad I was in the water because my bladder instantly let go.

  A massive pair of jaws rose up from beneath me, big enough to swallow a fucking car and full of teeth the size of saw blades. So large was it, that I couldn’t get a good view of what it belonged to, except that it looked vaguely fishlike and was glowing an eerie electric blue ... like the granddaddy of those fish monsters up on the pier, except a magnitude more terrifying.

  I could only watch in horror as the final leprechaun disappeared down the leviathan’s gullet.

  But, that was impossible. This thing, whatever it was, had to be the size of a freaking dinosaur – we’re talking the aquarium scene from Jurassic World here. Yet I was pretty sure the water near the docks was no more than twenty feet deep – not enough for this Moby Dick-sized monstrosity to swim in, much less appear as if it were rising from the fucking Mariana Trench.

  No way was this real. It had to be one last hallucination from that leprechaun blood. Yeah, that was it. It wasn’t...

  Get out of there, now!

  Hallucination it might’ve been, but the voice in my subconscious was sure as shit convinced, although there was something different about it this time.

  Sadly, this probably wasn’t the ideal moment to analyze that particular nugget of insight.

  The creature snapped its massive jaws shut, swallowing its meal whole and kicking my hallucination theory straight in the balls by the sheer amount of water it displaced – knocking me around in the churning surf like I was in a fucking washing machine.

  I can’t say for certain I wasn’t still tripping balls, but it seemed like maybe a safe bet to at least pretend I wasn’t. Needless to say, exhausted as I was, I somehow found the strength to paddle my tired ass back to the surface where I began to flail in panic, unsure of what to do next.

  “Freewill!” Falcon’s voice called from above. “Give me your hand.”

  I spat out a mouthful of water, wondering if he’d gone batty. The guy was standing at the edge of the hole he’d made in the warehouse wall, at least ten feet out of my reach. “How...?”

  “Just do it!” he cried.

  The water around me began to grow brighter.

  Fuck it. I raised my hands out of the water, hoping Falcon had a rope trick spell handy.

  Instead, a yellowish glow enveloped my arms, followed by the sensation of phantom hands closing over mine. A moment later, I was hoisted up out of the Hudson and back into the warehouse.

  Landing on my feet, I looked back just in time to see the blue glow growing dimmer, as if whatever monstrosity it belonged to were returning to the nonexistent depths below us.

  “I think there was something down there with you,” Falcon said, breathing hard.

  “No shit,” I replied, my legs buckling and dropping me onto my ass. After a moment, I added, “Thanks, man. I appreciate the save.”

  “I figured it was the least I could do after hitting you with all that kinetic energy.”

  “Worked, though.”

  Falcon leaned against the nearest wall, looking almost as winded as I felt. “That it did, friend. Fair bit of insight there, by the way. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you know they’d sink?”

  “I didn’t. But you said they didn’t like water.”

  “I know, but that wasn’t bloody much to go on.”

  “Seemed a better choice than letting them eat us.”

  “I’ll give you that.” He made a convoluted gesture and a flask appeared in his hands. Falcon unscrewed it, took a slug, then handed it to me.

  Booze wasn’t what I really wanted right then, but it would do in a pinch, especially if it kept me from murdering the shit out of this guy right after he’d saved my ass. A moment later, a belt of scotch hit my stomach, taking just enough of the edge off to let me speak again.

  “Good stuff.”

  He nodded, taking it back. “Nothing tops off a fight to the death like a decent single malt.”

  I couldn’t disagree with him. But what I could do was hopefully clear the air between us a bit, now while I was tired. Because later, when I had my wits about me again, I’d be just as likely to tell him to eat a dick.

  “Listen, man. I need to apologize to you. I... I haven’t been treating you very well.”

  It wasn’t quite the confession he deserved, but I didn’t think there was much to be gained by letting him know I was responsible for fucking up his defenses.

  “Can’t say I hadn’t noticed,” he replied with a grin. “If we’re being truly honest with each other here, you’ve been a bit of a cunt.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, I guess I have been.”

  “Figured maybe it was a vampire thing, but I couldn’t be sure. I can’t pretend I’ve spent a lot of time in friendly quarters with your kind.”

  “It’s not,” I replied. “I mean, yeah, vampires in general tend to be dicks, but I was being one because...”

  “Let me guess. It was that little misunderstanding the Academy had with the First Coven back in ’07. Lot of bad blood came out of that one.”

  “I ... have no idea what that even is. No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just that ... Christy ... she and I ... she’s ... shit! She’s still out there!”

  Goddamn, what an idiot I could be. Yes, Falcon was safe, for now anyway, but that wouldn’t mean much if the rest of those things out there hurt my friends.

  Despite wanting to do nothing more than lay there and wait for the sun to rise and put me out of my misery, I pushed myself to my feet. Falcon caught up to me a few steps later.

  “Once more unto the breech, Freewill?”

  “My friends...”

  “Say no more. It would be my pleasure to join you.”

  My senses were still on the fritz. Between the residual drugs in my system, having taken a dip in the Hudson, and being about ready to drop, I would’ve been hard pressed to sniff out a pile of horse shit lying in the middle of my living room. Even so, it appeared to be quiet, the only sound seeming to be our footsteps as we navigated the mess that was now Falcon’s warehouse.

  “You were saying something about Mentor Fenton,” Falcon said, as we made our way back toward the entrance.

  “It’s...” Oh, fuck it. They say confession is good for the soul. Guess it was time to test that theory. “I like her, I mean really like her. And it’s difficult enough that her former boyfriend is back, not that I mind him being back, since he’s my best friend and...”

  “Not following, mate.”

  Yeah, I was rambling. It was so much easier to take an ass beating from murderous monsters than to discuss my feelings. At the same time, I’d fucked this guy over hard enough that, even if I couldn’t make amends, I could at least clear the air between us. “Fine. I was jealous because you were hitting on her. Okay, happy now?
”

  “You think I was chatting her up? I did no such thing.”

  “You don’t have to deny it, man. You were. And it was working, too.” Fuck me! Why did I have to say that part? The last thing I needed was to let mustachioed Romeo here know that he had a shot. Still, it wasn’t like I could take it back.

  “I ... I’m flattered that you think so, Freewill,” Falcon stammered, no doubt already scheming how to get his proper English mitts into her pants. “But I really wasn’t.”

  Grrr! I knew I should’ve just killed the guy and been done with it.

  We were nearing the entrance, slower than I would’ve preferred but, right then, staying upright was chore enough. There really wasn’t time for this shit now, so I simply replied, “Yeah, you were. But it’s ... fine, I guess. We can sort this out later.”

  To my surprise, Falcon grabbed hold of my shoulder and stopped me. “There’s nothing to sort out.”

  “Listen, I get it, but...”

  “I’m gay, mate.”

  “What?”

  “Exactly what I just said. No offense to your female friend, but I already have a fine husband waiting back home at the estate.”

  There was definitely no time for this, but I found myself hesitating nevertheless. “So then what was up with all the compliments and politeness?”

  Falcon made a haughty sound in his throat. “I’m British. It’s what we do. I swear, one would think you yanks have never heard of proper manners.”

  “You’re serious?”

  “Absolutely.”

  And just like that, it was as if a weight of pure petty jealousy had lifted from my chest. Come tomorrow, once I’d had a chance to rest and fuel up, I had no doubt I was going to feel like quite the fucktard. For now, though, I was far too exhausted for such introspection. So, I simply said, “Okay then. How about we go save my friends? No, make that our friends.”

  YOU AIN’T THE BOSS OF ME

  Turns out there wasn’t much to save. Falcon was first out the door, glowing an angry red. However, he powered down almost immediately. At first, I thought he might’ve reached his limit, but then I saw his stance relax as I stumbled out behind him.