BOUND: Together

by Cynthia Dane

“You have to understand that my life has been greatly affected by my father’s decision. It’s brought a lot of heartache with it. Even if I am comfortable with who I have become, the world isn’t. So it wasn’t you that devastated me tonight. But hearing that you agreed to come back to talk to me snapped me out of that darkness.”

  “Sherman sounded really worried about you.”

  “Yes. He often is.”

  I parted from Eric with a final kiss to the forehead. Sherman appeared once summoned.

  When we were leaving the master suite, Sherman asked, “Do you need anything else?”

  “No, thank you.” Eric turned away from us. “Think I’d rather be alone for the rest of the night.”

  Was I the only one who noticed the way Sherman looked at him? As if the air around Eric Mann was on the verge of shattering if he breathed too hard?

  That look went beyond concern.

  Regardless of how Eric felt about anything else, the only thing I could wonder as I left the Summer Villa was whether or not he knew Sherman was in love with him.

  Chapter 29

  NATALIE

  When your entire world has been rocked upside down, the only thing you can really do is spend a day off with your best friend.

  Casey brought with her the sense of normalcy I craved. From the moment we sat down at a café to have lunch, she gabbed about the terrible date she had been on with some guy the night before. I vaguely recalled some texts she sent me both during and after her botched date. I had been too tired, too shocked to read them.

  “Earth to Natalie,” she said, waving her hand in front of my face. “Where the fuck are you in outer space, girl? Mars?”

  “Sorry.” I had been thinking about Eric, of course. Both how he looked in the restaurant and how he looked when I last saw him. The difference had been striking. My mind could still barely fathom it. Perhaps if I dwelled on it for a whole day, I would make sense of its absurdity. “Distracted.”

  “I’ll say. What’s got you all tied up? Work?” She snorted, because of course the answer was work.

  “Suppose so. Mostly my personal life, though.”

  “Oh my God, that’s right, you’ve been seeing someone, haven’t you?”

  I flinched. The temperature cooled in the café. Or at least I swore it did. Maybe that was my adrenaline getting ready to heave again. “Yeah.” I hadn’t given Casey any details. I usually didn’t, so that wasn’t out of character. When we barely had enough time to catch up on what she was up to, I didn’t spend a lot of time detailing the men I dated unless I happened to see someone more than twice. “It’s been going weird.”

  “Damn. Sorry to hear that.”

  I waited for her to use the opportunity to turn it around and make it about her own dating life, but it never happened. Damnit, Casey. The one time I counted on you to do that? Thanks.

  It didn’t help that my thoughts swung in opposing directions. I knew I shouldn’t outright say what was going on – not only would it take forever, but it was against that NDA I signed. Because you can bet your ass I signed a few more on the ride home the night before.

  I didn’t want to put Eric in that position, anyway.

  “Do you remember when I had sex with that woman a few years ago?”

  Casey sat back, shocked. Had she forgotten? I had been blunt about my past experiences with a woman whenever the topic was appropriate. But maybe it had been a while since I last mentioned it. Maybe Casey was a secret homophobe and I never noticed before. After all, I was supposedly past my college experimentation days, right? I voted for and donated to pro-LGBT things whenever I could, but it wasn’t ever a hot topic of conversation wherever I went. We were usually complaining about lack of sleep.

  “Oh, I guess so. Wasn’t that a really long time ago?”

  “Not that long ago.” I’m the first to admit that there is a huge difference between being twenty-one and twenty-five, but come on. “Anyway, I’ve been thinking about it lately.”

  “You giving up on men? Was your date that bad?”

  I wanted a cigarette. So much for me kicking the temptation. I’d blame Jimmy for letting me have that cigarette, but it was my fault until my dying day. “It’s complicated. Dating is so complicated these days.” I sighed. “I feel like I’ve been so focused on school and then work that the dating rules changed without me noticing anything.”

  “You’re not making any sense. What does that have to do with you thinking about that woman you slept with?”

  Indeed, what did it? Can you blame me, though, for not knowing what to say or how to explain my predicament? How could I tell my best friend that not only was I dating my boss, but that he was a she deep down? Because she was a woman posing as a man? Maybe? She didn’t know what her real identity was anymore because she never had the chance to…

  I had referred to Eric as a she. That was the first time. I’ll never forget it.

  “What rules are you talking about?”

  “I guess giving a shit about certain things when it comes to who you date. Seems like even major things like what sex they are don’t matter anymore.”

  “If you say so.”

  “You don’t think so?”

  Casey shrugged, hands in the air. Her bangle bracelet clacked against the bistro table when she lowered her arms again. Her freshly painted nails drummed a haphazard beat. Her hair had been cut recently, too. Wisps of thick black hair brushed against her chest when she sat up with another sigh.

  I had never been attracted to my best friend, but that moment brought me a fresh fear and a pang of jealousy. I knew Casey wasn’t any less insecure than I was on a good day. But what if she was? What if I was the one falling apart? The one who couldn’t keep her shit together? I had worn a simple shift dress that day because I didn’t feel like “putting on the pageantry” as Eric had put it. I didn’t even bother with makeup. My shoes didn’t match my dress, because I had picked them for comfort above style. The only piece of jewelry I wore was a plastic ring on my left index finger.

  I barely understood what was going on. Why were my thoughts doing this?

  “Whatever you’re talking about,” she said, “I can’t fathom. I could never sleep with another woman. Not saying it’s gross, but it doesn’t appeal to me at all. I was kinda shocked when you said you had.”

  “Why?” Did I not fit some preconceived notion of what it meant to make love to another woman?

  “Because you don’t seem like you’re about that life.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Why are you so offended? Come on, Nat, you’re one of the busiest women I know. Sex is a function to you, right? Who gets you off faster than a man who’s got a cap on how long he can go? Besides, if you’ve got the choice, why would you subject yourself to being labeled queer on top of everything else? We’re already Asian and female. Why the fuck would we do that to ourselves?”

  I had no idea where to begin.

  Years later, I still don’t know where to begin!

  She made good points about the person she thought she knew. She was also so offensive that I wanted to puke.

  So I didn’t say anything. I dropped the subject entirely. I didn’t want to fight, and I didn’t want to reveal more details in an effort to explain myself.

  I also really, really did not want the visitor we soon had.

  “Natalie?” A familiar male voice approached, and my throat was already closing before I could turn around. “Well, if it isn’t the most celebrated intern in America!”

  “Aiden.”

  He stood by our table, not much more casual than he already was around the office. Loafers, for fuck’s sake. Loafers. Casey looked him up and down before looking to me for answers.

  “This is my coworker from the office. The other person to get the intern position.” When Casey nodded, I continued, “This is my friend Casey.”

  “Pleased to meet you.” That smarmy grin would’ve made me puke if Casey hadn’t already. Bonus points for when he exten
ded his hand to shake hers. “I should have guessed that Natalie had such beautiful friends.”

  “Charmed.” Casey flashed me a look of Who is this guy?

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Meeting with an old friend, like you. See you Monday, Nat.” He sauntered off as if he were the hottest shit in the room.

  He had interesting friends, to say the least. Who knew that young Aiden Webb was good friends with two salt-and-pepper men in department store suits? They were certainly chummy enough to exchange claps to the back and instant laughter.

  “Remember the guy from work who grabbed my ass?”

  Casey gasped. “That guy is gross.”

  “Yeah. There’s something weird going on there. He’s the same one who doesn’t do jack shit and yet hasn’t been fired. I don’t even know how he got the job.”

  “Privilege is a helluva hall pass.”

  It was, but was that what really happened here? Maybe before I found out more about Eric, who held the most sway when it came to deciding who to hire. Did he agree to hire someone of Aiden’s background in exchange for hiring me? Or was Aiden the son of one of the shareholders and nepotism had won out?

  Too much to think about. Just being around him – and Casey – was too much. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

  I spent the rest of the afternoon wandering through one of my favorite shopping districts. I didn’t buy much. A bubble tea from the Vietnamese street food place. A new pair of sunglasses that fit better than my old ones. A lovely new copy of Jane Eyre, because I may or may not collect them. It’s not even my favorite book, really. But it’s the one from my girlhood to leave a lasting impact, and some of the book cover designs it receives are utterly fantastic.

  Sunglasses and Jane. The whole time I thought about Eric.

  What was it like to live that kind of dual life? To not know who you really were? To lock yourself up in your house because you couldn’t risk the world finding out that you were female? To go to a thousand doctors you paid extra money to keep quiet while trying to piece together your identity and undo everything your messed up father did?

  How many people really knew the truth? How many knew that a little boy died that day, instead of a little girl?

  No. Eric had said that “Erica” died that day. He was right.

  My heart broke a little when I realized that.

  I was standing in front of a shop window when that thought washed over me. A shop window full of fancily dressed mannequins in their sundresses and flirty sunhats. Flats and short-heels were displayed high up in the window. The kind of stuff I loved to look at and dress up in on my days off.

  What would Erica wear?

  If I were to continue a relationship with Eric, I needed to know the real him. I needed to know the good, the bad, and the cosmically grotesque. I needed to know how bad it was – how terrible it made him, how terrible it could make me.

  My cell phone rang as soon as I arrived home. As I found a place for my new copy of Jane Eyre on one of my bookshelves, I heard Eric’s voice on the other end.

  “Evening, Natalie.”

  I wasn’t prepared for his natural voice. He had always deepened it around me, and I was never the wiser. “Good evening. How are you today?”

  Yeah. Pathetic.

  “I’m fine as long as I’m thinking about you.”

  I bit my lip so I wouldn’t grin too hard. “You know how to flatter a woman.”

  “I should hope so, considering I want to go out with that woman.”

  “Still?”

  “Of course. Tomorrow? I know exactly where we can go out and enjoy ourselves. While being alone and away from prying eyes, even.”

  “The best of both worlds?” I laughed. “Sure. I’ll still go out with you.”

  “Good. Wear whatever you want. In fact, be the most natural you that anyone knows.”

  “Huh?”

  “I’ll do the same. I’m looking forward to being myself for once.”

  I had no idea what that meant. I knew he had been hiding parts of himself from me, but his tastes, his dreams, his desire for me… weren’t those things real? How much more natural could he be on a date? Did that mean he wouldn’t force his voice deeper or mind how he sat around me? Would he shirk the pageantry and be…

  …Someone I had never truly met before?

  “I can’t wait to see you, Natalie. I hope you feel the same.”

  Oh, I couldn’t wait. In that morbid rubbernecking kinda way.

  I wasn’t proud of it. But what can I say? I had no idea what to expect anymore. Not from him. Certainly not from myself. The person I’d meet the next day was not the same one who first seduced me in his hotel room.

  I wasn’t even sure if that person was still a he.

  Chapter 30

  ERICA

  By lunch, I had come up with the perfect date to show Natalie who I really was. All it took was a few phone calls, and I had some hard to come by reservations set in stone.

  The waiting game began.

  I had no work on Saturday, even though I damn well should have done something to catch up on everything I missed the week before. Yet I was too caught up in my excitement over being my most authentic self around the woman I wanted more than I wanted to eat my damned breakfast. It would be a miracle if I slept Saturday night.

  After I hung up on the country club and went over my security plans with Nick, I entered my meditation nook in my chambers and did a full hour of yoga. The sun was bright that mid-autumn morning, and what heat it couldn’t provide was pumped through the heater lining my wall. A little lost bird landed on a tree branch outside my bay window. I pressed my forehead against my yoga mat and closed my eyes while listening to that bird chirp.

  Then I hit my private gym. One of my bodyguards spotted me while I lifted weights, but I declined the offer to practice my martial arts with anyone on duty that day. I only did that with Sherman, and I made sure he took the whole day off since I had no plans to go anywhere. He had done more than enough for me recently. Time for him to be with his wife.

  Sometimes, I still can’t believe that he’s married.

  I was back in my meditation nook after my workout, during yet another round of contemplative yoga, when Margot sauntered into my master suite and announced that Brooke had dropped by to talk to me.

  Strange. I had checked my phone before turning it off for my second yoga session of the day, and there were no messages from her. This was either an emergency… or a pleasure call.

  “Send her in.” I transitioned from downward dog to the warrior, my left knee wobbling the tiniest bit. Every time I lost even a fraction of my balance, Margot smirked. “And try not to stare, Margot. I know you like my ass, but come on.”

  “It’s always a pleasure to see it, sir.” She pivoted on her heel and marched out of my chambers. I rolled my eyes. Just like I couldn’t believe Sherman was married, I often questioned what went through my head housekeeper’s mind. She has always been an enigma. At least she was a trustworthy mystery.

  I was enjoying the intense benefits of the fish pose, my eyes closed to the hectic world beyond me, when I heard Brooke’s familiar voice.

  “Every once in a while,” she began with a sigh, “I reconsider sleeping with you again.”

  I opened my eyes. She stood behind me, and I looked up into her face, currently obscured by her golden hair left loose on that chilly day. “Only once in a while?” I asked drolly.

  “When I catch you doing yoga. It’s quite erotic.”

  My cheeks puffed. Slowly, even though I was under the cautious supervision of someone I would trust with my life, I exited the fish pose and moved into an upright Buddha konasana. The only thing erotic about that was my sports bra.

  “Stop teasing me.”

  Brooke sat on a hand carved Japanese bench in the corner of my nook. One of my mother’s last acquisitions before she moved into her current home on the other side of town, and one of the only things I didn’t
throw out as soon as I took over the master chambers of my family’s home. Everything that was my father’s had to be purged – otherwise, I would never sleep.

  “I’m not teasing you,” Brooke said. “Sometimes I forget your many facets, that’s all.”

  I leveled my gaze on her. She was lucky I was so relaxed, otherwise my feelings may have been hurt. “My many facets, huh? Didn’t realize being stripped down to yoga pants and a bra was a facet.”

  “It’s not something most people see.”

  Natalie had seen it the night before. She had seen both of my damned breasts. “Just like most people don’t see you in jeans and a denim jacket,” I said, stretching my arms onto the floor before me. My forehead touched the carpet. My lower back popped. Finally! I’d been after that for about half an hour!

  Brooke’s clothing rustled as she checked what she had worn on her day off.

  “Why did you drop by?” The carpet muffled my voice. “To see the show?”

  “Thought I’d tell you that I finished rescheduling everything from this past week. Sam Garrett was moved to Monday. Hope that’s okay with you.”

  “It’s fine.” I tapped my chin against the floor while my body stretched out along my yoga mat. “But you could’ve texted me that. Tell me the real reason you came out here.”

  I dared her to say it. Because we both knew what I meant.

  “I heard about what happened last night. Thought you might want to talk about it.”

  My eyebrows dared to defy my forehead. That was the only reaction she got from me, however. I wanted to indulge in the child’s pose one last time before continuing this awkward conversation.

  “And I heard that when Natalie fled from my female form, she went running to you.”

  Brook crossed her legs, hands gripping the sides of the maple wood bench. “She said she happened to be in my neighborhood and decided I was the one to run to for answers.”

  “Well?” I asked. “Did you give them to her?”

  “I’d rather hear what you told her when Sherman yanked her out of my house and dumped her back in front of you.”