Home Sweet Mess

by Allison Ashley

  “Was that the last time you saw your mom?”

  “Yeah. They found her body a few weeks later. I would have stayed with Paula until she or someone else made me leave, but one night she died in her sleep. I was so freaked out that I just sat in the corner of her living room, her dead body in the next room, until someone found us. We didn’t have any family that I knew of, so that’s when I went in the system.”

  Tears burned beneath Jeni’s lids, but she tried to keep them contained. “I’m so sorry. You were so young to have gone through so much.”

  She scooted closer, but he just sat there, unmoving.

  “I moved through several foster families. I tried really hard to be a good kid. To do good in school and not fight when there were several of us in the home at once. That didn’t always work out, but I so badly wanted to just find somewhere to stay and someone who wanted to keep me. It was all I thought about.”

  I want to keep you. Jeni swallowed the lump in her throat, and several tears escaped. She understood so much now.

  His interest in social media. He’d been deprived meaningful human connection until he was adopted.

  His sparsely decorated house. He’d moved a lot and learned to keep few possessions.

  His lack of childhood friends. Probably didn’t stay in one place long enough to make them.

  “When I was thirteen, Sandra placed me in Ingrid and Robert’s home. I know now she’d handpicked them for me. After six months, they asked if I wanted to be a permanent member of their family.” His voice wavered. “I can’t even explain how that felt. I’ll never be able to repay them for what they did for me.”

  “It wasn’t one sided. They gained a pretty wonderful son out of the deal.”

  “I try to make them proud every day.”

  “I’m sure you do,” Jeni said. “What was your dad like?”

  A small smile formed on his lips, and Jeni had never been so happy to see it.

  “He was an accountant, so he was kind of a geek. Good with numbers and a little uptight. Made me wear a helmet when I rode my bike. Never let me take a sip of his beer. Expected me to make straight As in school. But he knew the meaning of quality time. He taught me to throw a baseball. How to treat women with respect. When to fight and when to let something roll off my back. And most of all, he was the biggest Chiefs fan I’ve ever met.”

  “I knew that was coming,” Jeni said, tapping his shoulder with hers.

  “The man never missed a home game. Those seats you sat in? They’ve been in his family since the seventies. He took me to games, and it was the first thing we truly bonded over. There’s nothing like a father and son cheering together for the same team. For me, going to those games and watching away ones in our basement was about so much more than football. It was the first steady thing in my life, and it was about a man who gave me the time of day. Who thought I was worth his time. Anything good in me is because of him.”

  More tears slipped down her cheeks. “I’m so glad they found you.”

  He slid his thumb across her wet cheek. “Don’t cry.”

  “I hate what you went through as a child. But you have to know what an amazing man you’ve become.”

  He shrugged, scrunching up his nose a little.

  Jeni frowned. “I’m serious. I’ve never met anyone so generous or accepting. You’re kind, funny, and hard-working. You didn’t let your early life turn you into some angry person who doesn’t give a damn. You’re a man who wants to leave this world better than you found it.”

  “I just don’t want other kids to go through what I did.”

  “You’re doing your part to make sure that happens. Through Fostering Sweet Dreams and donating your game seats to families.” She’d become more intentional about utilizing FSD’s donations since learning Logan was behind the organization and saw how many kids were safely placed in foster homes solely based on the beds she arranged for.

  “Sometimes it doesn’t feel like enough.”

  “It’s more than most people do. I know how you feel. There are times when I feel like I’m making zero impact, and it’s my full-time job. It’s a thankless career sometimes.”

  “That reminds me, it’s been like a month since I last thanked Sandra.”

  Jeni smiled. “I love that you’re still in touch with her. It would be the highlight of my life to see some of my foster kids grown up and doing well for themselves.”

  “I hope you will, someday.”

  She pulled her hand away and tucked both in her lap. “I’m a little nervous about my job, actually.”

  “Why? What do you mean?”

  “At a staff meeting back in October, Sandra told us that there might be state budget cuts to the department. At the time, she wasn’t sure if it would impact the foster services, but last week she said we were losing some funds. She and the higher ups are trying to figure out how to handle it.”

  “You’re worried they’ll let you go?” Logan looked affronted. “That would be a huge mistake. You’re an asset to their program. I’ll talk to Sandra.”

  Jeni shook her head. “No, don’t. She’s already stressed out and doing everything she can to avoid cutting positions. She made sure I knew I’m doing a good job, but she and I both know the facts. I’m the newest employee. I have the least experience and no seniority. If it came down to layoffs, I’d be the first one up. It’s out of her control.”

  “But you love your job.” Concern laced his eyes. “When will you know?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “What would you do? If they did let you go?”

  Jeni shrugged. “There are plenty of private organizations around here that hire social workers. But I’ve always wanted to be part of a large government agency where I’d have the most opportunity. That seems the best way to work my way up and have the tools to impact system laws and reforms. It’s harder to have the same impact in the private sector.”

  “Did these budget cuts affect the whole state?”

  “I think so.”

  “So, to work for a government agency, you’d have to look in another state?”

  “Maybe. Probably.”

  He rotated his upper body to face her full on. “When were you going to tell me about this?”

  Jeni leaned back a little. “Um, I’m not sure. I’d definitely tell you if I got a job somewhere else and had to move.”

  His gaze tracked to the windows lining the wall and back to her. “You don’t think I’d want to know there’s a chance you might not be in Kansas City in a few months? Do I not factor into the equation even a little bit?”

  Logan was a huge factor, but he was never supposed to be. She was supposed to keep her distance and never again let a man dictate her life choices. The fact that her lungs constricted and she couldn’t breathe when she thought about leaving him was irrelevant.

  “Nothing’s happening right now. I might keep my job and none of this will matter. But either way, I’ve been clear about this from the start,” she said. Had her opinion shifted with each passing day with Logan? With each kiss, each touch?

  Yes.

  Did she want to stay with him indefinitely?

  Hell yes.

  But sticking to the plan wasn’t just about her own happiness. It was about his too. He thought she was what he wanted—she could see it in his eyes. And a selfish part of her wanted to grab onto that for dear life, everything else be damned.

  Unfortunately, the rational part of her brain said that wasn’t fair to Logan. The news about Jackson solidified that in her mind.

  “Wow.” He stood, gripping the back of his neck. “Yeah, you have. I guess I’ve just been hoping something would change at some point.”

  “I’m sorry. It won’t.”

  Logan grabbed his phone from the coffee table.

  “Are you leaving?” she asked quietly.

  He walked to the door, and that was answer enough. “I need to think.”

  Jeni wanted to jump up and run to him. Wrap her arms
around him and beg him to stay. But she sat there, still as stone, and whispered, “Okay.”

  Before she even took a breath, he was gone.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  What the hell was wrong with her?

  More, what the hell was wrong with him that he loved her despite it?

  Throughout the following week, Logan wavered between two options.

  Change nothing, enjoy whatever time he had left with Jeni, and deal with the consequences of losing her later. Even if she kept her job and didn’t move now, he’d seen the hard truth that she wasn’t willing to let his presence in her life be a consideration.

  For any decision.

  The other choice was to cut it off now. It would be an attempt at self-preservation, though he wasn’t confident it would be any easier to lose her now than later. It just felt like the first option was delaying the inevitable.

  He’d spoken to her a few times since the night he left her house, but their conversations were short and stilted. They were both waiting for him to figure out what to do.

  It wasn’t until he had dinner with his mom the following Tuesday that his mind cleared. It was an unusually warm evening for late March, and his mom suggested they take a walk after dinner. They were strolling slowly through her neighborhood talking about mundane things when his phone rang.

  It was Andrew. He’d finished chemo last Friday, and his scan was today. The last time Logan had received a phone call on scan day, it was with bad news, and a brick settled in his stomach.

  “Mom, I’m sorry, but can I get this real quick?”

  She waved a hand as if to say, go ahead.

  “Hey, man. What’s the word?”

  “You’re gonna have to put up with my ass for a long, long time, bro. Scan was clean. I’m cancer free.”

  “Seriously?” Logan’s shoulders relaxed. “That’s great news. Congratulations, Andrew.”

  “Thanks. I can’t believe it.”

  “It will take some time to sink in, I bet.”

  “Yeah, probably. I’m at Lauren’s house, and Jeni’s coming over to celebrate. Can you come by?”

  “I’m at my mom’s right now, but maybe I could stop by after.”

  “Sounds good. In case you don’t end up coming, I have some other news too. Lauren and I are engaged.”

  Logan’s pulse slowed. “No way.” He forced his tone to be upbeat. “Even bigger congratulations for that. I’m really happy for you two.”

  “Will you be my best man? I probably should ask you in person, but…” He paused. “I’m just excited, I guess.”

  Logan forced out a chuckle. “As you should be. I’d be honored.”

  “Good. Lauren will be glad I’ve secured one groomsman. She’s already got four bridesmaids on the line.”

  “Damn. Good luck with that.”

  “Yeah. So, I’ll see you later tonight? Maybe? I’ll text you the address just in case.”

  “Yeah. See ya.” Logan slid his phone into his pocket and let his fake smile drop.

  “Good news for Andrew?” his mom asked.

  “Yeah. Cancer’s gone.”

  “Oh, I’m so happy. I know exactly how he feels right now. The relief is almost too much.” She squeezed his arm.

  “I hope neither of you ever have to go through anything like that again,” he said.

  They continued walking, and after about a minute, his mom slowed a little. “Was there more?”

  “Yeah. He, uh, got engaged.”

  She didn’t respond with excitement, and he looked over at her. She regarded him in that knowing way moms do. “Why does that upset you?”

  “It doesn’t. I think it’s great.”

  “I know when my own son is blowing smoke up my ass.” She pursed her lips.

  “Mom.” Logan did a double take. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to her referring to him as her son so casually, so naturally. But more so, he rarely heard her say a curse word.

  “Something’s bothering you. What is it?”

  He angled his head away, his gaze drifting along the houses and parked cars they passed. He never talked to his mom about women. But Jeni wasn’t just any woman, was she? She was the only one he’d brought home to meet his mother. The only one who took a dive into his heart and never came up for air. She’d jumped off the deep end to take a chance with him, that’s for sure. He’d never find anyone like her. And yet, she wasn’t willing to share herself with him completely.

  “Jeni never wants to get married.”

  His mom was quiet for a moment. “Why not?”

  “She was married once before. Didn’t go so well. I think she’s kind of lost faith in the whole idea.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “I know.” He let his hand drift over a mailbox as they walked. “Why did you agree to marry Dad?”

  “Why wouldn’t I?” A smile was in her voice. “I was head over heels for that man and jumped at the chance to be his wife. I didn’t hesitate even for a second.”

  “You didn’t worry about losing yourself? Or that by marrying him you might be limiting things, like your career or interests?”

  She balked like the thought had never occurred to her. “No, never. We were a team, and we approached every decision as a team. He’d never have stifled me like that.”

  “Jeni’s first husband did. He was selfish and forced her to live a life she hated.”

  “That’s terrible.”

  “It is. It makes me want to track him down and—” He glanced over at his mom, and she tilted her face up with brows raised. “Uh, it just makes me really mad. I hate that she was so unhappy, but even more, I hate that she thinks marriage to anyone will be the same.”

  “Do you want to get married? I’ve never heard you mention it before.”

  They rounded the corner that took them back down his mother’s street.

  “Yeah, I do. But I’d never had a specific woman in mind before I met Jeni. And now I’ve fallen in love with her and realized she’s my one. You and Dad were the model relationship, and your marriage was so solid. I guess I always figured I’d want that someday, and that day came when I found her. I want to share everything with her, like you and Dad did.” His parents were the only people he’d known who’d demonstrated the meaning of true love. “People have come and gone a lot in my life—and gone more often than they stayed. I don’t want that kind of relationship anymore, and I want that security, I guess. It feels like taking that step strengthens the bond between two people, and I think I need that commitment.”

  “With the life you’ve lived, that’s understandable. More, you deserve that.”

  “Maybe. But I just want to be with her so much. I don’t want to lose her. Even if it means never getting married.”

  “Have you talked to her about it?”

  “Several times. I told her I’d never do what her ex-husband did and that it could be totally different with someone else. With me.” His shoulders slumped, like a hundred-pound weight had settled there. “I’ve tried to understand her perspective, and it’s not all that uncommon for people to not get married nowadays. Even though I want it, it’s a lot, I guess. To ask her to go back on a promise she’d made herself and retry something that made her so miserable the first time.”

  “The hell it is,” his mom snapped, and Logan jerked his head around to look at her.

  “What’s with you tonight?” First ass, and now hell?

  Suddenly, she was no longer beside him, and he stopped, realizing they were back at her house. She stood stiffly on the sidewalk, her chin trembling.

  “You listen to me, Logan Ray Davis.” She poked a finger at him. “You are a once-in-a-lifetime sort of man. You are worthy of a woman who values you, and your wants and desires matter as much as hers. If marriage is important to you, that’s what you should have. Don’t sell yourself short for someone who won’t give you their all. You are worth that and more. Do you hear me?”

  Logan’s arms hung loose at h
is sides, and he dipped his head a little. “I hear you.”

  “I want to hear you say it. Say, ‘I’m worth it.’”

  “Mom.” He glared at her, but his heart wasn’t in it.

  “Humility is an endearing quality, but not knowing your own worth isn’t. Say it.”

  He heaved out a sigh. “Fine. I’m worth it.”

  She continued to eye him suspiciously, and he fidgeted under her perusal, looking around. A family was in their front yard several houses down, but otherwise the street was empty.

  “Have you been buying things for her? Doing a lot of little things for her?”

  Logan frowned. “What do you mean?”

  Of course he did things for her. He wanted to make her feel special. He often sent her flowers and messages to let her know he was thinking about her. And he’d sent her tacos that one time. He knew how it felt to be lacking affection from others, and he never wanted Jeni to feel the same. Was that what his mom was asking?

  “When you first came to stay with us and you’d been here a few months and we opened up the conversation about adoption, you started doing little things for Robert and me,” she said. “All the time. You made us art projects, put away your own laundry, and did the dishes when we weren’t looking. No thirteen-year-old boy does dishes without being asked. A few times you even found wildflowers and brought them home for me. It was like you didn’t think we’d want you unless you proved to us you were worthy. Like you thought you needed to be perfect or earn our love by the things you did and not just for who you were as a person.”